A Few Things

Sometimes it seems as though days are just melting into each other. Things that I thought happened weeks ago, even months, turned out actually happened 4 or 5 days ago. Weird.



My dad's brother and his wife visited from California. They got here on the 25th and left today. What a great visit! Don & Karen & my mom and I went out to eat one night. We grilled another night, and I treasured the time not only for me, but also for Don and my dad. There was one point at dinner when I looked over at Don and saw my grandma's eyes in his. It was so comforting.....

***I am putting this section in because last night, when I first started this post, the power went out. I am happy that good old Blogger saved it as a draft so that I can continue tonight. A tree branch (a large tree branch) fell off of a tree and landed on wires and knocked a lot of us out of power. It was like out of a movie. The power went out and all of a sudden, everyone is coming out of their homes, looking at each other. It was a good time for a beer run, and we stayed up until after 2am, hanging out on our front step with our neighbor. I laughed. A lot. To me, that was a little sign that I was not ready to complete the post last night. That I needed a little bit of a break, even if it was a few hours, from all that is unfolding around me. So, with that, here's the rest of the post.***

My grandma passed away almost 6 years ago. I felt blessed to see her again through Don.

I am about a month behind in asking for donations for the Mississippi Shuffle this year. As most of you know, we do the Relay for Life each summer. We have been involved for the last 6 years. The summer after my diagnosis was an emotional walk. I don't know how I am feeling this year. We all know that it is for a great cause as most of us have been touched by cancer one way or another. I don't know if it is part of my bitterness or what, but as I said, I am behind. How behind? I have nothing. No money raised. Nada. Zip. I have to get my act together. So this is me getting my act together.......

There are many reasons to donate to the American Cancer Society. I am one. With funds from organizations like this, more and more people, like me, can get into studies, more research can be done to pinpoint cancers, the causes and hopefully the cures. Here's another reason. I would not wish on anyone what our family is going through. I can only hope and pray that you don't watch your dad (or mom, or brother, or sister, etc) waste away to nothing. I hope and pray that through the American Cancer Society and the money raised, that you won't have to watch what I am watching. each dollar raised gets us that closer to finding a cure for this beast that takes so many lives each year, and effects so many others. If you are interested in donating, let me know. I will get the info to you that you will need. In the meantime, have a peek here or here (after scrolling down a bit), or even here.

So let's see....what else? One of my brother's is flying (literally flying the plane) here with his daughter to see my dad tomorrow. He'll stay for a few hours and then fly back home. My other brother will be coming up on the train on Monday night. He has broken his leg so this might get interesting. I have no clue how he is going to get up and down stairs as he can't put any weight on it. Blah blah blaaaahhhhh....oogie boogie. That's all I've got on that stuff.

There's more, but I need to stop for now. Breaks are good. Tree branches falling on power lines are good. Too much thinking? Not so much.

Local Photos

Sarcoidosis Returns!

I finally got the biopsy results from the little bumps on my leg. Once again, it is Sarcoidosis back with a vengeance trying to take over my pink ribbon tattoo! But never fear! I am armed with a cream that will take those little bumps back down to nothing. Who does this Sarcoid think it is?!? First, four years ago, it scares me into think the cancer returned. Now it thinks it can just come back into my life and scare me again? I think not.

But I have to add that I am more than happy to have it be the Sarcoidosis than the alternative. I will take that any day.

On another note, Nadia has been dealing with a high fever (104.7 this morning). I had taken her in yesterday and they did a strep test (negative) so it's been tossed up to a virus going around that lasts a couple of days. The strep test was interesting. I told her to open her mouth for the doctor, but of course she wouldn't. He got the tongue depressor in and she bit down. He got her mouth open enough to get the swabs in, and she bit down on those as well. So now she has the wooden stick and two cotton swab sticks poking out of her mouth. The doctor was trying to get them back out by moving his hand left to right and all I could think about was a tug of war between a dog and it's owner.....grrrr....grrr...grrrrr! He finally got them out and tears ensued. What fun.

Some Funsies

I suppose I better explain the word "funsies". Way back when, pre us-dating, Dion and I had a J-Term class together in college. Some people really took a class with meaning, some people took a class for fun, and some took a class to fulfil a requirement. That was Dion and I. We took a math class. We both looked at each other and started to wonder why there were puzzles on the desk by the professor. That was a bad sign. Anyway, during one class she did something, worked out a math problem or something, and said, in all her glory,

"Now wasn't that a funsie?"

That was 15 years ago. We still use that term. So that's what a funsie is. But I digress.

Here are some things that have made me laugh lately because I have been focusing way too much on being sad. So, I will be on sad vacation for a moment, to share.

I love watching scary movies. I have to cover my mouth so as not to scream out loud, but I still love them. Dion remains calm throughout the flicks, except when he gets startled. Then he says, "Ah." It sounds fake when you hear it because it is so mellow, but it's real. That is his expression of fear.

The other day the Weather Bug started to chirp, which means that there's some serious weather coming. Kelsey does not enjoy a good storm. She freaks. A lot. So Dion was trying to calm her nerves by making fun of her, I was clicking on the Weather Bug to see what was up, and Kelsey was yelling, "This could be serious! What if there are tiny spaceships attacking earth?!?"

My friend Brandy has a sister-in-law who knows how to do the entire "Thriller" dance. She does it sometimes when we got out and I about pee my pants every time.

My dog's breath smells like old poop. Ok, not really a funsie, more of a not so fun fact.

We have 4 cats, all of whom I love dearly for very different reasons. They are rather goofy, and they make me laugh every day. They have all been rescued too.

Kelsey taught the girls the cha cha slide. They are better than I am.

I got nothing else right now. I have to write things down more as they happen so I can remember. Or maybe just write things down at all. That would probably help.

Happy Father's Day

Such a bitter sweet day. We went over to my parents to grill out. My dad did the grilling, which I didn't say a word about. I figured this would be the last time that he grilled for his family, and I wanted him to have that moment. Right after we ate, he went into to bed to try and ease the pain in his belly. I took the girls in there to give him his cards and we all ended up laying in his bed together. After a while I shooed the girls out so I could spend some time with my dad. It will be forever ingrained in my mind and heart, us, laying side by side talking for 45 minutes or so. I loved every moment of it. But that naughty thought that this would be the last Father's Day I spent with my dad always lingered on my mind. How could it not?

Anyway, here are some pictures from today, the pool ones are from at our neighbors house. We are very lucky to have such great neighbors, that all the adults and the kids get along, to have them as friends. There are many blessings in our lives, even though sometimes they are hard to see through the rain clouds.

Hospice

I know it has been a while since I last wrote but I wanted to wait until things were settled with my dad. He has decided to start hospice, which is good for everyone involved. They will be coming in once a week to check on him and make sure his meds are at the level they need to be. They will offer support for not only him but for my mom too. The list goes on and on with what they provide.

Anyway, we will be spending Father's Day there tomorrow. I haven't talked about this fact to anyone, but those of you in blog land tend to get my feelings first anyway. There's something to be said about being able to put all of my thoughts down on here as opposed to talking about them in person. Even though I know there are a few people reading this, that doesn't bother me. Anyway, the thought going through my mind for the last month or so is that this will be the last Father's Day that I spend with my dad. What an odd and bothersome thought. The last the last the last.....I hate the thought of all of the "lasts". It's a double edge sword. I am treasuring this time that I am getting with him. Time to take to talk about things that we would never really talk about. If he died without warning, he wouldn't know half of the things that I have told him. But, the flip side is that I hate watching what he is going through. I hate hearing him say that he can handle the pain until it gets to a 5 out of 10. I hate so much of all of this.

My brother-in-law's wife's (would that be considered my sister-in-law?) dad died about a week ago. He too had cancer. Sometimes this great big world of ours seems so small. I told Dion that it was a strange thought to think that Bree's dad and my dad will die within weeks/months of each other. No matter what, it's not easy losing a parent. But Bree and I are lucky to have the husbands that we do. I knew that I was lucky before cancer came after my dad, and long before it came after me. He is my lifeline, my support, my best friend. I love him. So much.

Ok, this is much longer than I planned on it being....sorry about that. I just want to thank all of you for all of the support that I have been getting. Well, my family, I should say, has been getting. If I learned anything through my cancer crap, is that people truly want to help, they truly care. And that, my friends, is awesome.

Distractions

I have found today that a good distraction from thinking too much is right here at the computer. I go to game website and find that I can slip out of my brain for a good hour or so, not counting when the girls or Dion interrupt. Beggars can't be choosers I suppose.

I am trying to wrap my brain around some of the thoughts that are going through my mind. I still have problems grasping the idea that my dad is dying. It just doesn't seem real. I look at him and wonder, will it be in a month, or week, or tonight? What if it happens tonight? Have I done all that I can to help my parents through this? I have no clue. Mostly because I don't know what I am supposed to be doing.

I have decided that the weekends suck. There is way too much thinking time. At least during the week I am busy with work and the kids and such. All day today I have been lost in my thoughts, but the worst part is I couldn't tell you what my thoughts have been. Odd, huh?

On Monday a hospice in-take nurse is coming into the house to talk about care for my dad. That seems so strange. I am going to be there for that meeting as it's important for me to hear, as well as my parents, about what the future holds. I tend to keep going back to this one specific memory of my dad that I have, and it brings warm fuzzies. I have no idea how young I was, but I know I was home sick. I can see myself on the couch in our old family room. The room is dark, the TV in at a low volume, and my dad opens the back door. He strides into the room, his normal powerful walk, and leans over and hands me a white cat that had a red ball with Velcro on it so she cold hold the ball. I treasured that cat. I used to sit on the floor and pull the paws apart so when I rolled the ball to her, she would catch it. I don't think I named it, if I did I don't remember what it was. But I loved that cat. Thinking back though, I think I loved the fact that my dad surprised me with this stuffed animal because he knew I was sick. He usually only brought gifts back when he traveled out of state or out of the country. This cat was special. This is a thought that I can't stop thinking about.

So Today....

I went to the dermatologist to have her look at these red bumps that have formed on my right leg. They are very odd, and let me tell you why. They only appear on areas on my leg that have a scar. And only my right leg. I have quite a few scars on my body folks, but the red bumps have limited themselves to an old shaving wound from oh, about 14 years ago, and....(deep breath)....on my breast cancer ribbon tattoo. 13 spots only on the black part. The doctor is stumped. Wow. A shocker. I have something that is uncommon. She took the shaving scar lump, and had to take a piece of my tattoo, to send to pathology. It will take a week to see what the heck is going on. My poor tat.

Kids

"Maybe Grandpa can play fetch with Spark up in heaven" -Claire


"It's not going to be much fun without a grandpa." -Nadia


This is what the girls said the last time we talked about cancer and the fact that some people die from cancer, while some people don't. This will not be easy on anyone, but I dread it for my girls.

Unknown

After calling Mayo again today, my parents finally got a phone call back from the oncologist. Long story short, he is suggesting that my dad just continue with pain meds. The biopsy showed that the lymphoma is in his marrow. So there you have it. I am dreading the next couple of months for my dad. I really don't know what to say at this point, but (and I hope that this doesn't sound horrible) I hope that things progress fast. I hope he only has minimal suffering. I wish there was something someone could do.

I Take it Back

My parents called Mayo today and the reason they didn't have the results of the test were because they are still pending for whatever reason. So all those not so nice thoughts I had about the oncology department, I take back.

Phone Call

Or in this case, no phone call. My dad's doctor didn't call today with the bone marrow biopsy report, so I have nothing to report. That's all I really have to say about all of this right now.

Claire's Preschool Graduation

We celebrated the end of an era for Claire. She is done with preschool and will be off to kindergarten this fall. Can you believe how fast time flies? Here are some pictures from the night. The kids did such a wonderful job, and props to their teacher for getting them where they are today.

Photoshop

This is Sig. He is the captain of the Northwestern on The Deadliest Catch. I love him. Dion created this for me, but ignore the hairy buff arms...they aren't mine. Nor is the cowboy hat. But Sig is. Mine...all mine!

Rushing to Wait

Another day goes down in the book as not being a very good day. My dad's cancer is back. We went to Mayo today for his test results, and while we are still waiting for the bone marrow biopsy, we know that it's back. Now, banking on the biopsy coming back as only having Lymphoma in it and not another cancer, here are his options.

1. He can choose to do nothing and manage the pain that he is having.
2. He can try another round of different chemo drugs.
3. He can try and get into a study.
4. He can do a bone marrow transplant using his own stem cells.

The first three are pretty self explanatory. I learned a lot about stem cells today. They used to take it from the bone marrow, but now they can get them from the blood. But it's not that easy. First he would have to be approved by insurance. The price? $150,000 to $200,000 for the transplant. Yikes, huh? After that happens, it would start his hospital stay of 5 weeks, maybe more, maybe less. The first week would be testing to make sure that his mind and body can handle the transplant. If that goes well, the rest of the time is spent doing chemo to try and reduce as much of the cancer that they can, doing the actual removal of the stem cells, and more chemo.

But, until they get the results of the biopsy, this is all a moot point. We were told though that if he chose to do nothing that he was looking at months to live. 2, 3 maybe 4. I drove to Mayo separately from my parents since I had to work in the morning. I spent the ride home listening to Eminem. Loud. I had waves of sorrow, anger, fear, and anger again. My mind is still spinning even though I had an idea of what we were going to be told. After I got into town, I drove around for about another 2 hours, stopping only to run into the gas station bathrooms. I was driving around to go nowhere and succeeded. I went up to the bluff and looked over the town. I saw some people playing Frisbee golf, and wished life was that easy. But it's not. We were never told that it would be, but a little break in the helter skelter would be nice.

I thought for such a long time that I had it so bad with having breast cancer. Poor me. I was pretty good at throwing myself a private pity party with myself being the only person invited. Lucky I showed up every time. I look at things differently now. I look at how much worse things could have been for me. I look at my dad, my heart hurting for what he has gone through, is going through, and will go through. On so many levels there are so many things about this that just are not right. And now we wait.

Keeping Up...or the Lack of it

I find myself not being able to keep up with thing in general. I have phone calls to friends to return. I haven't. I have piles of clothes to wash. I'm working on it, but not making much progress. I have my emotions to deal with concerning my dad. I haven't touched on them as of yet. I haven't blogged for a bit, that would mean having to get my feelings out there about everything. I figured it was time. Not only for that but for an update on my dad. This week is another busy one, and the only way I can handle it is one day at a time and hopefully that will suffice.

I recently worked over 54 hours in a week, 34 hours over my regular shifts. I think I have recovered from that, but again this week I have to sub 3 times for staff. Tonight is Claire's graduation from preschool, tomorrow is Nadia's carnival for preschool. They will have a blast, as they always do for school things. But the big thing this week is my dad.

He had an ultrasound done of his stomach since he is still having problems with pain, etc. It has been 9 weeks since he stopped chemo, so he should be feeling better than he is, and he shouldn't be only able to stay out of bed for 4-6 hours like he is now. The ultrasound showed that his abdomen is filling with fluid again, and that his spleen is enlarged again. One would think that the cancer has returned, but nothing has been said by his doctor about that. Yet. Wednesday he will be going to Mayo for blood work and another PET scan. Thursday he will be having another bone marrow biopsy and will be meeting with his oncologist. I will be there for that appointment, after I get Nadia back to daycare.

I don't know what to think. I mean, I have an idea of what is going on, but I hate watching it, and thinking about it, and seeing my dad go through it. He once was a man who demanded attention when he walked through the doors, and because of his size and demeanor, he got it. He once was a man who walked 20 feet in front of us, his long stride making us almost run to catch up with him. He once was a man who if crossed, you felt the wrath. He was very successful in his career, supervising many many people. I see a shell of that today. I see a man who needs help when trying to get up and down the stairs. I see a man who can no longer walk 20 feet in front of us, now he is in front of us in the form of being in a wheelchair when getting around at Mayo or at the store. But what hasn't changed is the sparkle in his eyes when he says something funny. If you get past how much his looks have changed, you can still see that man inside of him. I think though, that he is just tired. This cancer stuff is not easy, my friends. I will keep you posted.

Happy Mother's Day

We spent the day with my parents and sister today. Dion cooked the food and it was delicious! Here are some pictures for you....

Lifehouse's Everything Skit

This is very well done.

Business in the Front, Party in the Back

Welcome back to the 80's my friend......Claire is now sporting a fine looking mullet compliments of her self-haircut, and after only 4 years of growing out Nadia's bangs, she cut herself some new ones. Anytime you want to mail me the "Mom of the Year" certificate, feel free. I think we have found out what Claire is NOT going to be when she grows up. The question now is, do I try and cut the mullet off, giving Claire ultra short hair, or do I leave it? Let me know what you think.

The New News on My Dad

I went to Mayo with my parents to talk to the oncologist about my dad wanting to stop chemo. The doctor agrees that the treatments are doing more harm than good right now. So the plan is to stop the treatments and in three months have another PET scan and blood work done to make sure that he is still in remission. That's about all we can ask for. His spirits were lifted and for the first time in a long time I saw him smiling like he meant it. I saw it in his eyes, in his face, and heard it in his voice. I hope he can bounce back as fast as possible, with the understanding that these things take time.

Next on the medical agenda is my mom's hernia. It is large and in charge. It is still causing her skin to break open and bleed. It is still causing her a large amount of pain (that she never admits to) and it needs to be taken care of soon. This one will be a biggie. Can you imagine trying to repair a hole the size of a volleyball in a person's body? Yuck. More details on that will follow when my mom goes to the surgeon.

I am going back to the ENT next Tuesday because it seems that since using the steroid spray things have gotten worse. Maybe there is another brand they can give me to try or something.

I guess that's it for now, other than fissure issues again, but most people don't want to talk about that stuff. I should tell you though, that when I use the bathroom I play video Yahtzee to try and keep my mind off of the pain. The last time I played I got......718!!! Yes folks, that's right! You are not reading numbers backwards or anything. I got 4 Yahtzee's that game!! How much do I rule? Go ahead....tell me....I'll let you.

False arrest dance party

We saw this clip last night on TV and every time I hear it, I laugh until I am in pain. People are odd, but dang! They are funny!

638

That's just the number of posts that I have created from this crazy mind of mine. I guess I really only have some random thoughts to share for a moment since I am being called to watch a movie.

• I am going to Mayo with my dad tomorrow to see what the doctor will say about my dad deciding to stop treatment.
• I don't understand what the steroid spray is supposed to do. Unless the answer is nothing, then it is doing a great job.
• One of my biggest competitors for summer day care does not have a place to rent this summer (so far) so it seems like my program may grow a bit. Or it may not. We will see.
• My head hurts and Dion is currently making it hurt more by interrupting my thought process.
• I am so excited that The Deadliest Catch started it's new season this week. I think I would like to just hang out with Sig and have a beer or two.
• I am mad because I thought I taped Idol tonight, but alas, it did not work.
• I have to stop before Dion gets all upset that I am still blogging.

34 Degrees?!? 34 DEGRESS?!?!?

Why the heck is it so cold outside? Although I have to say that Monday night's low is supposed to be 26. The high for Tuesday? 70. Go figure.

I went to the ENT and got this steroid nose spray that is supposed to help with the sinus issues I have had all of my life. All it does is run back out of my nose and give me a headache. I imagine some of it is getting up there since my head hurts, but it can't be much. I also found out that I have a deviated septum. Interesting huh? There are also spots in my nose where there is supposed to be tunnel like things that go from the sinus to the nasal cavity. My are blocked. I love sinuses!

I have been going through all of our medical bills lately in my mind. Do you suppose there will be a time that we don't owe money for medical things? Ever? Let's see, shall we, what we owe at this exact moment.....

Mayo: $800
RW Hospital: $1700
RW Clinic: $800
Dental: $1600

Yeah...I think we will always owe money to these people. It makes my head hurt more.

My dad is supposed to go back to Mayo on the 17th. I say supposed to because I don't know if he has decided to go or not. I don't know either if he is still set on not finishing chemo. I don't know much of anything, do I?

Yesterday I slept until after 12pm. Then fell back asleep in my grandma's recliner by 3pm until after 5pm. I was shocked when it was 7pm and it felt so early. Go figure.

Have to fly....head is hurting more and my nose is dripping steroids.

Some Pictures

This and That

• We went to Illinois for my sister-in-law's baby shower this past weekend. You think gas prices are bad here.....$3.44 a gallon there! Anyway, it was awesome and I am very happy we went!
• Since Dion and I have been together (almost 11 years now) I have done the same thing when we get to the tolls. I always tell him to get a receipt. He said no every time, knowing that I was just trying to get him to do it. He was flustered at the $1 toll so I told him to get a receipt.......and he did! It was pee-your-pants-funny! I laughed quite a bit at that.
• I go to the ENT today to talk about my sinuses. I have two words for the doctor (who happens to be a neighbor)....."They suck".
• In 9 days my dad goes back to the oncologist and I think that is when he is going to tell him that he doesn't want to do chemo anymore. There's still time to change his mind though, if he wants to.
• I hate the process of taking a shower. I love actually being in the shower, it's the before and after that I don't like. Is that odd?
• Claire goes to Kindergarten next fall. I am not sure that I am ready for that.
• I am so excited for Darin and Bree to start their family. I have always been. But sometimes it is hard to see pregnant women knowing that I can never feel that again. I still would like to adopt.
• I LOVE OUR KING SIZE BED!!!
• That's all for now, I suppose.

One More Day

Tomorrow afternoon we will be living like kings. Well, at least sleeping like kings. We are getting a king size bed and I can hardly even wait!! The other night in the bed was me, then Nadia, then Claire. Somewhere in the bed were also a dog and maybe a few cats. Dion decided to come up from sleeping on the couch and decided that the only spot left was at the foot of the bed. So he was crunched up there, I couldn't stretch my legs out, and the kids were happy as they could be. Lucky little limb people.

Yesterday school let out early. Today it was closed. Right now it is sunny and beautiful out. That's some April Fool's day joke that Mother Nature played on us!

Weekends Aren't Always Relaxing

My dad ended up back in the hospital this past weekend because his blood levels were WAY too low. He got another 2 units of blood, which should be helping by now. He also stated that he didn't want to continue with chemo (he is half way done). He is tired of ending up in the hospital every time he gets treatment and I can't say I blame him. I know when I was going through radiation there was one time when I just broke down crying. I was in so much pain, the burn was so bad, the blisters were bleeding and I yelled that I wished I had never done radiation in the first place. Then Dion reminded me why I made the choice to do it. Sometimes when you are in the midst of all of the cancer craziness, the end result gets lost. I don't know if my dad is still feeling like he is done with chemo, and I suppose he has a few more weeks to think about it, but what it all comes down to is it's his choice. Nothing more, nothing less.

We had an early release at school today because of a last minute snow storm. I have a feeling we will have a late start tomorrow too.

Well, I am trying for the fourth time tonight to get Claire to go to bed. Soon I will give up and just go to bed myself.

We Love NED!

Who's Ned, you ask? Well, Ned is not a person, but an acronym that stands for No Evidence of Disease. And that is what we were told at my dad's appointment this past Tuesday. They ran another PET scan on him and showed us the one from February and the one from Tuesday side by side. The one in Feb was how I remembered it, lots and lots of white areas in the abdomen, some spots on his neck, some on his ribs, a regular old light show. The one from last Tuesday showed nothing. The chemo is doing its job by killing off the cancer cells. His oncologist would like him to finish the chemo treatments and then do follow up visits.

So, I would like everyone to know that the thoughts and prayers that you had for my family played a big part in this, along with the treatment he is receiving. Please keep him in your prayers though as chemo has been very very hard on him, and I am sure will continue to be.

And now, we start our new new normal.

My Dad

When you do chemo, every week in between the actual chemo infusions, you have blood work done to test you levels to make sure that things are where they are supposed to be. And while chemo does make all of your levels go pretty far down, sometimes it goes further down than desired. In the case of my dad, this has happened again, and Thursday he will be having another blood transfusion.

I saw him today for the first time in a while (I have been staying away since I still have a little bit of a cough) at the clinic. He has to wear a mask in public, so I felt it would be ok to see him. His hair is really thinning in the back, he is moving pretty slowly with a slight wobble, and his skin has a light yellow tinge to it. When I think of my dad, it is not the person who I see in front of me today. It is the man taking giant steps, the rest of the family having to run to keep up. It is the man who was a presence when he walked into a room. It is the man who got things done with authority. It is hard to see what cancer and chemo are doing to him.

I suppose I better touch on the new new normal topic that I mentioned before, although I haven't really put a lot of thought into what I am going to write. It will just be stuff I think about the moment before I write it.......

Almost four years ago now, life was so different. We were selling our house, and the world revolved around Claire. Life was normal. We were your average family, getting ready to add another child to the mix. Although it wasn't planned that we would have another child when the first was only 18 months old, the concept had grown on us and we knew it was another girl, so we were hoping for kids that were best friends. I had long straight hair, I had real boobs, my body was not full of scars, I was still able to create life, the words "hot flashes' meant nothing to me.

The it was March 17th. The day that the term normal life was taken from my dictionary. Everything happened so fast that I really didn't have a lot of time to process everything until that first year was done. I remember being told by people that since all of my treatments were done that things could go back to normal. There was no normal. For the first 3 years I didn't feel like things would be normal ever. And to a degree I was right. I had adopted the phrase "new normal" to describe my life. It was a new normal that every once in a while I would think that the cancer is coming back. It was a new normal to look at myself in the mirror and wonder who the hell's body that was. It was a new normal that my cancer was no longer out in the open for all to see when my hair finally grew back. It was a new normal to get phone calls from people asking if I would talk to their friend/mom/daughter about my experience with cancer in hopes of helping them. It was a new normal to participate in the local cancer walk and see my name written in red on the white bags, being a survivor. This past year I have gotten comfortable with my new normal. It finally started to feel right. It didn't seem like I was walking in a strangers shoes anymore. I was feeling ok with not being tested all of the time. I was feeling ok with letting my guard down a little bit. I was feeling ok.

Then my dad was diagnosed. My new normal has come crashing down. I feel like I have been thrown right back to the days of my diagnosis. I hear all of the familiar terms again...biopsy, treatments, chemo, blood draws, PET scans, CT scans, test after test after test. Every day I think of my mom and dad and what they are going through. I think of my mom dealing with the fact that she eventually will lose her husband of almost 51 years. I think of my dad and his napping, knowing how he feels right before he has to lay down to sleep. The wall that is hit that makes you crash. I think about all of this stuff, and try to keep a clear head. There are times when I just want to run away for a bit. Where I need things to slow down a little just so I can catch up with my thoughts. All in all though, I can't imagine not being here to support my parents, and I can't imagine them being anywhere else either.

So I am hoping that the new new normal will find it's way into our lives. I know I have to be patient because it will be a long time coming. But I will be here. Waiting. With open arms.

A Little Info

When my dad has chemo, he is put on very strong doses of prednisone and when he goes off of it after 5 days, it is like a switch is flipped. Yesterday when the girls and I were over there he seemed like he was in pretty good spirits, tired, but ok. Today was another story. Today his body is dealing with not being on the prednizone and it's usually not a good thing. Tomorrow he will be going for his weekly blood draw, so let's hope his numbers are better this time around.



As for me, I am once again among the living, although the cough is enjoying it's stay in my chest. I am trying to get things back into the routine I am used to whether it'd be at work or at home, and that is proving to be a challenge. But what isn't?



So here is an old topic that I am going resurrect, but I still need a little time to think about it. It is going to be about The New Normal, which I have talked about before when it comes to cancer, (or really any serious issue that one faces in their life). The thought of trying to find the new normal, etc, and what I am trying to find now. It may or may not be a good one, I will make no promises.

It's Getting Hot In Here: Scranton Style

One of my most favorite tv shows....

I'm Aliiiiiiiiiiive!!

While I still have the dreaded cough, I am feeling much better than I had even yesterday. Now the focus is getting the tightness in my chest to go away, along with the cough, along with the crap that I cough up, and life will be golden again. Or at least silver.

My dad had his second round of chemo yesterday. So far things appear to be going pretty well, but remembering last time, sometimes it is a day to day thing on how he feels. The cut the amount of chemo that he is getting so hopefully the reaction won't be as severe as it was before. Here's something I never thought would happen. Apparently my dad has some of the chemo nurses that I had when I was doing my year long treatment at Mayo. The thought of one of my family members having the same nurses for the same reason was a thought that never crossed my mind. At least I know he is in good hands with a caring staff. Another thing learned yesterday was that he has lost over 20 pounds since first going to Mayo, mostly being fluid. Can you imagine carrying around an extra 20 or some pounds of weight. That would suck. And the last thing.....my dad's oncologist told my parents that if he had decided to not do chemo the first time they met last month, that most likely my dad would have died by now. How's that for a shock value?

I Have Been MIA...Still Am

Well, to say that I have gotten sick would be putting it mildly. This has been worse than anything I have ever had, and might I include that it has been worse than chemo. I went to bed almost right after I got home from work Friday, and stayed there until Saturday morning when I went to the ER. I got some medications and it was back to bed. I went back into the doctor today because I have progressed to coughing up a little bit of blood here and there. I now have 3 new prescriptions and also got a shot in the butt. And now I am going back to bed. This is wonderful.

Maybe

I have earner an extra 15 hours of comp time this week and it is catching up with me. My chest feels tight, I can't seem to be productive in my coughing all of the time, and I just want to sleep for about 3 days. Is that so wrong?

I have been doing a lot of direct care this week....probably why I am getting sick......and you may remember that my last post talked a bit about not enjoying being around the kids. I take that back. I have had a good time with them these last few days. I have laughed pretty hard at some things, been frustrated at other things, but all in all, I have had a good time with the kids, which is great. I was worried that maybe I had overdone working with kids, as I have been doing that for the last 15 years or so, minus a year or two in there. Maybe things will be ok.

My dad might be able to come home from the hospital tomorrow if his blood work and chest x-ray turn out ok. He had gotten pneumonia so they have to make sure that is cleared up. He is out of isolation which is great, but he is supposed to start his next round of chemo in 5 days. I am not so sure that is going to happen quite yet, but who knows? Stranger things have happened, right?

Work Work Work

One of my staff were sick yesterday so along with doing my own shift I had to cover hers as well. I had a pretty good group of kids and decided that we would go to the gym to burn off some energy. We started with free play in which I pitched Whiffle Balls to some of the younger kids while the older one threw the ball up themselves and hit them against the gym wall. Most of the girls were on the scooters. I see that free time is getting a little old and change to a group game called Medic. I love Medic and actually all of the dodgeball-like games. We have a few kids who go and take a break to get water or go to the bathroom, and then I am informed that one of our kids is sick.

The poor guy. I dug out some lost and found clothes for him and called his mom to be picked up. We sat for a while chatting about this and that and I was amazed. I know in normal situations this child is always happy, always smiling, and by God if his personality didn't stay the same even after being sick. He is such a nice kid, you know, one of those kids you will never forget.

For a moment yesterday I was watching some of the kids and thinking. In the past I would be so excited to be able to work hands on with the kids. And while I had fun with the kids, I didn't feel that burst of energy that they usually give me. That feeling of "I love working with kids" feeling I usually get. I can only chalk it up to what is going on in my personal life because I have never not liked working with kids, they have never not energized me, and I have never not been excited to be with them. I don't know how to fix that.

Sigh

New update....he cannot have any more visitors as his levels are dropping more. Only my mom is allowed to go into his room and for a very limited amount of time. They are talking about a transfusion, but I don't know when that would happen. That's all for now.

In The Hospital

Just a quick update. Like I said, things change day to day. My dad is now in the hospital fighting an infection he got from one of his IV sites. His blood levels have dropped to a dangerous level so he can only have one visitor at a time, no kids, and the visitors have to wear masks. More to come, I'm sure.......

My Dad

Oh boy, he is having a rough rough time now. He spends most of the time sleeping, and although I went through all the chemo crap, I forgot how much things can change day to day. I think it is like giving birth. Right after Claire was born (which was a hard hard delivery) I thought that I would never do it again. I thought the memory of the pain of that delivery would make it impossible to even think about giving birth ever again. 18 months later I did it again.

I feel like time is slipping away and there is nothing that can be done about it. I have a hard time concentrating on things and I know that I am not as pleasant to be around right now. There's a part of me that just wants to be alone for a while, to be able to digest all that is going on, but that is not within the bounds of reality. I still have work, the girls still have school and daycare, there's still snow to be shoveled, laundry to be done and a house in need of cleaning. The world does not, and will not, stop because I want it to.

I look back a few years ago at how my life was, how I felt, how I was dealing with things. Sometimes I am embarassed at the thoughts that went through my mind. Embarassed at the fears I had of my life. The doubts I had every time my doctor said that he was fairly sure that I was done with breast cancer. I look at what my dad is going through and find that it is nothing like what I went through. I was lucky. He is not.

I find myself being torn between my two families. I want to spend as much time with my parents that I can, but in doing so I miss out on my family at home. Things start slipping, like the laundry and cleaning. I know they will always be waiting for me, but with 5 people living in this house it adds up fast.

I know this post isn't flowing quite as well as it should as I am just writing things as they pop into my head. I don't really care much. Sometimes, for a moment or two, I forget that my dad is dying. Those are very limited moments. I find that things that normally wouldn't bother me too much are grating on my nerves, whatever is left of my nerves. I feel like I am so impatient with other things in my life, that it almost isn't fair to others. But then, on the other hand, I really don't care about that. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but guess what? I don't care about that either. That's a lot of not caring and as I re-read what I write, I better start changing things before I make it impossible for others to be around me. But then again, maybe I won't. I have to keep my priorities where they should be, but at the same time understand that there are other things going on in my life. Yuck. This sucks.

Ok, I can't upload pictured right now, so it will have to wait until later. Those sneaky little Blogger Bugs!

I Don't Know What Name to Give This Post

Ok, so I am lacking in creative names this morning, but it has been over 600 posts that I have made. Today I am meeting my best friend Brandy in LaCrosse to do some thereputic shopping, hot tubbing, a little drinking, laughing, and whatever else happens night. We are staying in a hotel and it could not have come at a better time.

My dad is at home, he actually came home early because he was doing ok. He had his first round of chemo and seems to be tolerating it ok right now. The fluid in his body is accumulating more and more though. There is so much in his legs that he needs help getting into and out of the car, and he can only take steps one at a time. The plan is to try Rituxin again at his next chemo. Then before his third treatment they will do another PET scan to see if the chemo is working. So we are on a wait and see hold until that happens.

I had my 6 month check yesterday and everything came out ok (except the tryglecerides...again). We will be working on those bad boys in hopes to get it under control by my next visit. But my bp was way down from before, which is good. I was at 180/105 at my highest, yesterday was 100/60 so I have made pretty good strides at that, with help of medication.

Ok, so I think I willpost somw pictures since I haven't for a while. Later!

More

After my dad ended up in cardiac ICU they decided that maybe the Rituxin wasn't going to work for him. He went back to his regular room and started chemo Thursday night. He seems to be doing pretty well with it, and they are most likely going to send him home today instead of Monday which is good. I am just waiting to hear from my mom if that is for sure going to happen today.

Wednesday night I took the kids to my mom's house and went to see my dad. We talked for about 3 hours and I got a good understanding of what his wishes are. I also learned more about what he had done in his life and that he has no regrets. He is right in the fact that you can't dwell on what you did or didn't do since that won't change anything. While driving home I thought to myself that this was the most encouraged I had felt about eveything since it had happened. But today, because I have been thinking about it a lot, I realised that this is not the most encouraged have felt about the cancer, I think, in reality, this is the most encouraged I have felt about my relationship with my dad. We laughed together, we talked about feelings, about family, for 3 hours that night, it was just us being us. We were watching Wheel of Fortune and he said that after it was over I should really get going so I don't have to drive too late. The final puzzle came and went (the girl lost), and then on came Deal or No Deal. We watched that together too. I went home after that, soaking in the night's events, so glad that I went there to see him.

Update #2

We know a lot more than we did a couple of days ago. Here's the break down of events...

We went to Mayo and the doctor showed us my dad's scans. While we knew that there was a lot of cancer in him, I don't think we thought it would be as much as what showed up. There's cancer in nodes in his neck, sternum, armpits, there are two ribs that have cancer destroying them, the outside lining of his stomach has cancer in it, his spleen has cancer in it and is very enlarged. His abdomen in general has a lot of cancer in it.

This is what the doctor told us about his cancer. In Non-Hodgkin's there are two cell types that can be affected, B-cells and T-cells. In NHL 80% of patients have the B-Cell affected and 20% have the T-Cell. My dad has both, and therefore has two types of lymphoma. The B-cell type can be treated and possibly cured, and is also the one that is causing all of his symptoms. It is an aggressive form that is fast growing. The T-Cell type is slow growing and cannot be cured but maintained basically. The T-Cell group can turn into the more aggressive type and that is what the doctor believes what happened.

Now for stats. The doctor said if my dod chooses to do nothing and let the cancer run it's course, he had weeks to live.....3, 4, maybe 5. If he decided to do the chemo treatment he could have years. I am not sure what that means, but to be honest, we were trying to absorbe all of the info and didn't ask. The chance of the chemo actually working is 45-50%. If he chose to do the treatment he would be admitted to the hospital and the treatment would start immediately. He chose to do that. The reason for being monitored for the treatment is because when someone has as much Lymphoma as he does, they want to monitor to make sure his kidneys and his liver is functioning ok as the chemo attacks the lymph nodes and they basically drain, making the liver and kidneys work harder. So he was to have a half dose of the first chemo (which is actually an anti-body) last night, the rest today and then the rest of the chemo drugs (5 different drugs total). They started his drip last night, and within 10 minutes he had a reaction. His bloodpressure spiked or dropped (I don't remember which), his breathing became labored, he got the sweats and the shakes, and his heart rate when up to 212. They stopped the drip, telling him they would give him more meds and try again at a lower dose the next day.

So today in the afternoon they gave him 1/4 of the treatment, and the same thing happened. He has been moved to the Cardiac ICU and they are now testing him to see if there has been any heart damage from the chemo. We don't know how long he will be there, but when he is done there, he will be moved back to his room to try the chemo again. And that is all I know for right now. He is miserable and understandibly quite crabby with the situation. Have I told you how much this cancer crap sucks?

A Quick Quick Update

I went to Mayo with my parents today, and really we don't know a whole lot more than we did yesterday. We know that he has Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and that it is stage 4. Tomorrow morning they are doing a bone marrow biopsy and a CT guided biopsy of one of his lymph nodes. Friday morning they are doing a PET scan, which is when you are injected with a glucose type of radioactive solution. They have you wait for about an hour and then the test itself takes about another hour. I have had three of these, and they are fairly painless, just long and boring. All of these results will be ready by his appointment on Monday, which I will be going to with them. They are staying in Rochester for the next two nights since his tests are rather early in the morning. You are probably wondering why he has to have these tests done if they know it is Lymphoma. Well, the tests will tell them if it is one of two possible types. To get the correct treatment, they have to know what they are dealing with. I think we all are happy with his doctor, very pleasant, very good at explaining things, just an overall good guy.

I guess that's it for now. If you want to do more research on the two types, they are called...

Follicular Lymphoma and

Diffuse large B-cell Lymphoma

We will know by Monday which kind he has and what will happen next. Oh, I forgot, they are also giving him steriods for the crappy side effects he has been dealing with for the last few months. He can have those after his biopsies, and the doctor says that it will make him feel like a new man. Pray that he is right.

Winter is Gone Winter is Back

Yesterday I went around outside with no coat. It was awesome. No bulkiness while I was driving my car, the smell of Spring was in the air. At least for the day. It was 46 degrees outside yesterday! Snow was melting, you could hear the drip drop of it, there were slushy puddles, I saw our driveway. For a little while. Today (technically yesterday) was a slap in the face. Literally. The wind chill was horrible! School was let out early due to the blizzard like conditions, and as I type this is is -12 degrees with a wind chill of -35, which means basically it is -35 degrees. If it feels like -35, then dang it, it is -35. Maybe tomorrow (technically today) there will be a temperature. Maybe.

Wed is also the day that I go to Mayo with my mom and dad. We have been pointed in one direction though. From the blood tests he had done the last time he was there, they know he has Lymphoma (which is what I thought). We don't know what kind, as there are many, but I think that is where the further testing comes into play. I have been poking around on the Internet and it seems, according to what I read, that he is in stage 4. Not good. Last night for dinner he had cottage cheese and some (deep intake of breath) Spam....I didn't even know he liked Spam. Yuck. But that was all he could eat. The fluid is pushing against his stomach making it hard and uncomfortable for him to eat. He sleeps very little, if at all, at night. He is in pain most of the time, and I hope that there will be some more answers tomorrow. I have a list of questions that I am bringing, plus an extra set of ears. That's always good.

I guess that's all I have for now. Well, I suppose I could mention that we wasted money on Nadia's bed since she has taken a liking to sleeping on the floor. She's an interesting kid, and for some reason has really taken on the Norwegian/Minnesotan accent. She's so cute! I would say that I am going to bed now, but in reality I am going to get into bed and stare at the ceiling for a while.

A Lifter

So in case you haven't noticed my blog has become uber-sad. I don't think I need to defend why it is uber-sad, but I did think it was time for a more positive post. So this is it.

By merely coloring a picture of baby Jesus, Dion's work awards every colorer a $10 gift certificate to what is known in this house as Old McDonald's. So as we received our free food money on Friday, we decided to take a road trip to Cottage Grove to go to the extra special Old McD's where there is a playland. We did that yesterday. It was crazy. Mayhem all over the place. Screaming kids, running kids (one in particular I really wanted to trip but I go the lecture from Dion that I should be an adult. I nudged him instead. Come on! He had it coming for how many times he ran into me and pushed his way through), parents with glazed looks in their eyes.

The I saw him. Do you watch the Office? If not, then just bypass the rest of this post or Google who Stanley is on the Office. Wait. Maybe I can put a youtube of him in here....Stanley at his best
There was a guy sans mustache at McD's that I swear was Stanley. He talked like him, walked like him, had the same facial expression when looking for his kids. It was him. I swear. Stanley let's his kids play in the playland just like you and me! Yippee!

An Update, But Not Really

So it's been a week. We don't know much more now than we did before. I guess there are little personal tidbits, and maybe a few medical things, so I will share.

My mom and dad went to Mayo on Tuesday. He used a wheelchair. Sigh....the doctors want to do a biopsy of his rib but are faced with the challenge of my dad's blood. Right now it is too thin so they won't even think about doing the biopsy until that thickens up a bit. Everyday my dad has been going to the local clinic to have blood draws. As soon as he is at the level he needs to be, they will call Mayo and set up an appointment for the biopsy and the fluid tap in his abdomen. To keep his blood level stable he will have to have shots in his belly, given by my mom. Nothing is easy.

My mom had an appointment for her never ending problem of her hernia and the sores on her belly. It looks like she is carrying an alien on the side of her body, and it is trying to get out. With my dad's permission, we took his file to my mom's doctor, which happens to be my doctor, which happens to be a good friend. While listening to her talk and show us on the scans what was what, I realised why I liked her from the moment we met when she first mistreated my boob. Her voice is very calming, very matter of fact but caring at the same time. She makes eye contact as she explains things, and good lord, she is very good at explaining things. There's no sugar coating, which I like, and she is very honest. This is what she explained to us, and hopefully I am not forgetting things or passing bad information. I should have taken notes, but I was really wrapped up in the moment and forgot.

My dad has gained 13 pounds in the past week and a half from the fluid building up, and that won't change. What I did not know is that a lesion and a tumor are synonymous. The one that is in his chest that is destroying his rib is about 1.5 X 2 inches. Pretty big. I saw his rib, and it looks like Swiss cheese in the effected area. Lots of little holes where the bone has been destroyed. His spleen is enlarged, which I didn't know before, and there is a lesion on his spleen too, which I also did not know. There seems to be a very good chance that his peritoneum (outside lining of the stomach) has a good amount of cancer in it. So there you go, the medical update for now. They could change in an hour, a day, a week. That's cancer for you.

Now for the personal. I did not know that my dad had such a small frame. I watched him walk back to the bedroom and was shocked at how narrow his shoulders are. I think I said before, he has always been a man who was larger than life, who got attention of others when he walked into the room. While you can see his frame, his tummy is so big. He can only eat a little at a time as I think the fluid is making less and less room for his stomach. When he came home from Mayo it took all that he had to get up the stairs with his overnight bag. I can see at times that he is having trouble getting deep breaths, again, from the fluid. I have spent quite a bit of time at their house with them this past week, without my family. I have enjoyed listening my dad tell stories about his family. I love that he still cracks some one liners to my mom. Sometimes when he is talking, in my mind he is not dying. In my mind it is just us talking about the good old days, and the not so good old days. Sometimes when at work or the store or any other place I go for escape, I forget that our time is limited. That usually lasts about 10 minutes then it all comes crashing down again. Lately what I have been thinking about is not the selfish stuff like my loss, but the loss my mom is going to have. She said last night that she is having a hard time imagining not having someone to bounce ideas off of, to not have that presence in the house. I can't imagine it either. I think about their bedroom, and that big bed. I think about the things that my dad does, out of habit, that my mom never had to worry about before. I think about all of the $2 bills my dad gives the girls, something he did for me when I was little. Yikes. Some things are just too much to think about all at once. And now is one of those times.

A Fog

I have found that I tend to wander around, not really knowing what I should be doing. Tonight I went to Walmart at 11:00pm with nothing really in mind to buy, but I stayed there for about an hour, just walking around picking up things here and there. I find that I really don't want to be at home, I think too much there. I went to work today and awaited the call from my mom to tell me what was going on with Mayo. She called and told me that if Mayo hasn't called in a week, that she should call them. The only other thing we know is that my dad's blood is getting too thick now and that could lead to a stroke. What the hell?

I find myself also thinking about my childhood, memories end up floating around like wisps of smoke. Sometimes I really think that this is all just a mistake, how could this really be happening? Then I wander some more. I am having trouble sleeping at night, I wake up with vivid dreams and have problems going back to bed. I decided tonight that I will have a beer and maybe that will help. If nothing else, it tastes good.

It has been surreal to listen to my dad's wishes. Talking like we were having a conversation about what to buy at the store. This just can't be right. I look at him and I see that he is not well. I can see his shoulder bones and collar bone....they stick out and I can see them through his shirt. But then you move down to his abdomen and it seems like it is getting bigger. I'm sure more fluid is collecting there. I watch him get up and move around like he is 15 years older than what he actually is. All my life my dad has been this giant of a man, strong and powerful, and now I can see him deteriorating before my eyes. His face is an ashy white color, but when I look close, I can see into his eyes, the eyes that gave me my eye color. I was the only one to get those blue eyes. I always felt like there was some sort of bond because of that.

The world seems to be spinning out of control and I don't know how to stop it, or if I even can. When I try to think, things seem fuzzy. It is amazing what a year can make. Almost a year ago we went to that cabin for my parents 50th anniversary. He looks like a different person in those pictures. What I wouldn't do to turn the clock back and be sitting in that cabin celebrating my parents, laughing, eating, creating memories. Just a chance to have more time. One little chance.

This Day Today

I cried today. I was thrown back to my diagnosis and cried just as hard. My dad was told today that he has cancer. For anyone reading this who is in contact with my parents, I ask that you do not call them yet. My dad is trying to get into Mayo next week and they have no answers what-so-ever right now. This is what we know:

His chest and abdomen CAT scan show that he has fluid in his abdomen and his spleen. There is a destructive lesion on his 6th rib, and another lesion the size of a small pancake on the side of his chest. They cannot tell where the primary is, or even what kind of cancer it is until a biopsy is done at Mayo. That is why there are no answers available. This is what I do know:

This sucks. I am afraid of what my dad is going to have to go through. I am afraid of what my mom is going to go through. I look at my girls and start to cry at the loss that they are going to have. Nadia is her grandpa's girl. I talked to them a little bit tonight about cancer, and they know about death and heaven already, and while I think they understand it as much as they can, I don't want them to have to deal with it. When my parents dog was put to sleep we talked a lot about death and heaven. I got them books about losing a pet and we still read it even though it's been over a year since Spark died. Cancer is a harder thing to explain. I don't even know if there is a right and wrong way of doing it. Sigh....

Something else I know is this, my dad and I didn't have the best relationship when I was growing up. They moved to our town 5 years ago this summer. In these five years he and I have become closer than we have ever been. That is not to say that we don't disagree on some things because we do, but our relationship is so much more solid then it was. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that he has had the chance to get to know my daughters and husband well. I love to watch Nadia climb up in his lap and just snuggle under his chin. Some may say that I am not being positive about this whole cancer thing. But I have said it many times before...hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I am realistic, but hopeful.

We are on this walk again with cancer, the second time in 4 years, one step at time, one day at a time, many prayers all the time. I have no idea what path we will be walking, or for how long. I don't know what the future holds, but I tell you what, it was much easier being the person to say "I have cancer" than to hear those horrible words from someone you love. I will update when I know more. Until then, please say some prayers or think some good thoughts for my family. We certainly will need them.

Complete Randomness

So I watched Idol both nights. The first night was kind of, well, blah. Not a lot of substance to it. The second night was a little better. Then I remembered that last year it took a bit for things to get interesting, but even then, the auditions take way too long. I want to hear the good stuff sooner.

I had to go to the dentist....again.....becuaes I was losing a filling and quite frankly thought I was dying. How does one little tooth cause so much pain is beyond me. So I have the temps in and next month when I go for my Mayo check up I will get the true crowns. I should just get dentures.

This weekend we are supposed to have highs in the negatives. Sounds odd, huh? Like those words just should go together. Well, THEY SHOULDN'T! That's way too flippin cold! It says on my puter that it is 12 degrees out, and the windchill is -2. Tomorrow's high is supposed to be 1-, with a low of -12. Lord help us in this tundra.

My sinus issues are coming back. It's like I get a week or so off every time and then BAM! They are back with a vengeance. I hate my sinus issues, I hate green snot, I hate constantly blowing my nose wondering where all of this is coming from, I hate sinus pressure/headaches, and I hate the taste sinus infections create in your mouth. If green had a taste, I bet it would be this.

Ok, I've got nothing else. I will be signing up for some Community Ed classes, one of them will be for Nadia and gymnastics. We tried it with Claire, but it didn't go so well. We'll see what happens this time. Now I must go pay some bills. People get mad if they don't get paid.

The Post

I had a few paragraphs here, but I was getting bored writing it, so I thought I would spare you, my readers, the same, if not worse pain. Don't tell me I don't look out for you!



P.S. IDOL STARTS TOMORROW!!

That's Right Folks!

Just so you all know out there, American Idol is about to start up again....as in NEXT WEEK!! I am so pumped I can hardly wait! As you may or may not remember, 2 seasons ago rocked my socks off and I got to meet my lover Chris Daughtry. Ummmm....yummy! I hope this year is a little better than last year!

Adoption....Again

Actually, I am not sure if I have written about this before. But I think I have. Anyway, adoption is never far away in my brain. Sometimes it is more prevalent than others, and I am not sure what sparks it. Probably that a lot of people around me have had (or are going to have) a baby. Dion and I went out of town yesterday, so on the hour drive back home we talked a little bit about adoption. He says that he is not against it, but the cost of it scares him. I have thought about that too, but then I think well, if we had a baby on our own (which is physically impossible) there would be costs for that too.

I don't know the answer to the financial part of it. I do know that I feel like we are not complete yet, and that does not mean I don't love and appreciate my girls to death, I just feel like I am missing something (besides my boobs).

And that brings a whole different dilemma. Cancer. I am not at the 5 year mark. Does that matter? I have no clue. I have thought about talking to my oncologist and asking if he can write a letter stating what he has been telling me for a couple of years, that he feels I am done with the beast. I guess the question that is really on my mind is would anyone even give us a child knowing that I have had cancer?

Please, if you are reading this, and maybe have some insight for me, contact me. I really don't know where to start with all of this, or if it is even possible.

I Vant to Suck Your Blooooood!

I went back to the clinic to do a re-test of my cholesterol. Not good....again. Even after being put on medication. So my doctor asked what he is going to do with me, and decided on trying another medication that he thinks will work better. Here's a little synapse of my blood work...

CHOLESTEROL 219

TRIGLYCERIDES 361

HDL CHOLESTEROL 40

VLDL-CALCULATED 72

CHOLESTEROL/HDL RATIO 5.4

Now, I don't know what some of that means, but I do know that there are issues. In my defense though, one of the cancer meds I am on make your triglycerides go up. Not that I am making excuses......

Trying to Enjoy

I have been messing around with my blog trying to add some new things, and while I try and remember that this is for fun, I tend to get a little frustrated with my lack of knowledge when it comes to this stuff.

So you will see some changes (inspired by another blogger who just changed hers, thank Eliza!) and hopefully all will be well.