Thursday, July 31, 2008

August is Always Crazy....and Other Random Thoughts

Tomorrow starts the last month of the summer. I have no clue where it has gone. Today is a rainy day so the girls are playing board games and watching Tom and Jerry. We have spent a lot of time outside this week (daycare is closed all week) and the girls have rocking tans! Here's a little outline of how the month is supposed to go. We all know though that when we make plans, God laughs.

This coming weekend is River City Days. I am hoping to get the girls out there for the parade and such. We'll see.

The next weekend is the cancer walk. It was bank night last night and we got our t-shirts for the event. This coming week at work I am asking parents if they want to donate and let their child create the luminarias. I am hoping to get a little more money that way. I only turned in $205 this year in donations. I would say that I am disappointed in myself, but this year it has been difficult so I am going to give myself a break on that one.

The Monday after the cancer walk (the 11th) is my 6 month check at Mayo. I am so excited to add to the debt that we already have at Mayo. Woo hoo. It will be an all day adventure, like usual, but I am hoping to swing back into the chemo rooms to say hi to some of the nurses and such.

The 13th I have Fall Registration for my work. I have to get the rest of the Kindergarten letters out there. Yikes.

Then the last week of summer my daycare is closed again. Dion and I are toying with the idea of going on a vacation by ourselves to celebrate our 10th anniversary. It isn't actually until Sept, but it falls on Claire's birthday and we always try to keep it separate. We'll see.

And now, the random thoughts.....

  • This past Tuesday the pastor came out to my parents house to meet with my dad. It went well.
  • I have been staying up way too late this week and I have a feeling next week will be an adjustment.
  • As of today, I have passed my infatuation of Snow Caps on to my daughters.
  • American Idol is next month!!!
  • I miss my friends.
  • I look at my dad, and he is not the man I grew up with.
  • Our cats are so awesome.
  • I can't wait for school to start.
  • Swish swish swish.....sometimes the sound my brain makes when I think too much.

Ok, better run. Cabin fever is already setting in.

Friday, July 25, 2008

What if the Cricket Comes Back?

The girls have a very intense fear of bugs. They will pick up worms and play with them for a long time, but if a ladybug comes around....helter skelter. We were at my parents house the other day and they came running upstairs yelling about a bee. I went to save the day and found that it was a mushed cricket. Nadia kept asking what if it comes back, over and over. I told her that once something is dead, it does not come back. I repeated it a few times to kind of plant the seed about when my dad dies because I didn't think they fully understood. Nadia paused for a moment and said, "Poor cricket." She got it.

Last night it was my turn to bring Nadia to bed, which means we read stories together and snuggle and talk about how our day has been. We had finished reading and I decided to bring up my dad. I asked her how she felt about grandpa being sick. Tears formed in her little eyes, her brow furrowed, and she said, "I will miss grandpa when he dies. I love my grandpa." There we were in her bed, both of us consoling each other as we cried for at least a half an hour. She is going to have a very hard time with this. She has always been close to my dad, snuggling whenever she could, eating food off of his plate, falling asleep in his lap. I mourn for her and her upcoming loss.

My Tattoo Addition

I added to my tree of life this week. I have the star for baby Casey that we lost going on 7 years ago. I can't believe it has been that long! I had the artist add the green ribbon for my dad, along with the quote above the tree which is taken from a Robert Frost quote....

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

I absolutely am thrilled with how it turned out and how significant it is to me.

The Final Resting Place

This is the nearby view of where my dad's ashes will be.
This is the niche. A very quiet, beautiful location.

Fun in the Pool

Nadia, Claire, and Dewey hanging out in the pool.
A dramatic fall into the water.
Nadia has figured out the best way to spray people.
Getting out to do their style of a cannonball, which mostly involves them yelling "Cannonball!"

Summer Pictures

It was the perfect rainy day to play outside. The girls put leaves in the gutter and chased them.
Kelsey joined in the fun.

A nice action picture of Nadia.

So much to look at!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A Modgepodge

The last few days I have had things that I wanted to write about, but the lack of time and energy would stop me. So, with that said, this post may be all over the place. Hope you don't mind.

One thing I wanted to write about was.....I don't even know how to describe it, which is odd. How do I write about it if I can't describe it? Let's give it a try....

Going back 4 years ago when I was diagnosed. So many times I was told how brave I was, what a good attitude I had, how positive I was about everything. I fooled you all. Except for a few people, I didn't let on to how scared I was, or sad I was, or pissed I was. If that weren't the case people would not have been telling me how positive I was. But here's the thing. I did that for you (ok, not specifically you reading this at this exact moment, but "you" meaning the public, those around me etc). Do you think that if I were all mopey that you would want to be around me? Do you think that maybe it might be just a little uncomfortable to hang around me while I sobbed (although that I usually did that in the shower, so I guess in more ways than one that would have been uncomfortable for all involved)? That's right. Sobbed. Heaving, uncontrollable sobbing. Those of us directly dealing with cancer have to keep our emotions under control around everyone else. We have to keep our fears, anger, depression in check so that those around us do not feel uncomfortable. Now, 4 years later, I find myself doing the same thing. If you were to see my mom and I around town, most likely you would have no clue as to the turmoil rumbling around on the inside of both of us. We don't walk around saying poor me, poor me, unless we are safe with you. Then we will unload a little at a time. And THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I would not dream of telling someone how they should appear as they grieve. Only because I know. I would not think to even THINK someone does not appear to care or be worried or sad simply because they are not walking around crying. the soapbox I go....most likely onto another one.

We are all exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. And there are so many other factors in play here along with the impending death of my father. The past few weeks have been a stress I have never felt and hope I never have to again. I won't go into many details, but I cannot understand the thought process of some people. For the first time in my life, I have been treated horribly by someone and guess what? I don't care. At all. I got so sick of wondering what the hell this person was thinking, and saying over and over that I don't get it. And of course wondering what I did that was so horrible that I was treated the way I was. Now I know why I don't get it. Because I wouldn't treat others the way that I was treated. I have wasted so much time worrying about what was going to happen next or what hurtful thing was going to be said next, stress just a flowin' through me. Done. It's done, and I am done. I wash my hands of it all, and now I can actually focus on what lies ahead. I can spend my energy on my parents like I should have been. So many times I wanted to say something to this person, but the nastiness, sarcasm, in your face be honest, I couldn't do it. I am not strong enough, especially right now. I am embarrassed to say that. I wish I had it in me, but I don't. Maybe this is an area I need to work on, but really it's only with a few people. But now that I think about it, I really only have a few people in my life who are like that. Thank God for that! Yikes! Couldn't handle much more.

My dad now has a walker, but really he only gets up a few times a day to use the bathroom. I am still fortunate enough to be able to lay next to him in his bed and talk. Nothing really specific, but things that I will treasure. His hospice nurse is going there today so I will be there for that in the afternoon. He had some friends visit last Friday. They took time to drive up here, pay for a hotel room, dinner, gas, etc and my dad was so grateful for that. I thanked them for that, and they said..."There's no way we wouldn't have come." See that? For every dink we have to deal with, there are lots of more angels walking on this earth willing to make things easier for us. I have some friends who gave my mom so many frozen meals which have been priceless, a real estate agent who lives up the road stopped in with chocolate covered strawberries the other day. My cousins stop in to visit and help with things, my sister cuts the grass for my parents, they get cards upon cards sent from not only their friends, but some of my friends too. My dad's niece sent a phone card for my parents to use. Do you see? I wasted all of that time and energy above focusing on the negative of ONE person, when all of these other wonderful people are around me. That confirms my "doneness" I stated before. I just need to keep these angels on earth around me. THEY make me feel good. THEY are truly out to help in any way they can. THEY are going to help us through this. THEY are cherished. Thank you Angels. Over and over, thank you.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Oh Hail No!

These are some pictures of the hail that I collected yesterday, seen next to a quarter. It was quite crazy as this was our first tornado warning of the summer. We had green skies and everything, and while there were only rotations in the clouds, the wind, rain, and hail made for an exciting afternoon.

Yesterday was a rough day for my dad. He finally gave in to using the liquid medication which is supposed to bring instant relief to really bad pain. It didn't. It took a couple of doses to get his pain down to a 4. He is spending more and more time in bed, getting up mostly just to use the bathroom. Eating is almost non-existent. We are still able to have good discussions though, and I find that every time I talk with him I learn more about him. I find out more about his thoughts. Thoughts that I didn't know he had going through his head, or things I didn't think that he really pondered. I am not going to list some of the things we have talked about because I feel they are private and something that only I can hold on to. Maybe that is a little selfish, but it is what it is.

Slowly but surely I have had some money trickle in for the Relay for Life. I feel so bad that I have put this off for so long. I think mostly it is because I wonder if he will be around for it. It is a month away, and while there is a possibility he will, there's a pretty good chance he won't also.

I guess that's it for now. Sorry it has taken so long to update, but in all honesty, I have been dragging my feet on writing too. Sigh................