Saturday, December 30, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
I go back downstairs and continue with my awesome coloring. I fill out my name with fun lettering and funky colors, thinking I have this thing in the bag. Until I saw it. At first I thought that Dion ambushed my picture, but the coloring looked all too familiar. The victim was a sheep, and the poor thing was colored purple with harsh strokes of a crayon. I gasped (I really did). Dion said that Claire had come down and really liked my picture and must have colored it when he wasn't looking. Hmmm. I thought about that for a minute and said,
"You told her to do it, didn't you?"
He laughed and said no as my hopes and dreams of winning the coloring contest began to fade. Claire snuck back downstairs, so I walked her back up to her room. As I tucked her in, I asked her if she helped Mommy with her picture. She smiled her great, big, proud Claire smile and said,
"Yes, I colored the dog purple."
Sigh. How can you be mad at that?
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
You won't even believe this. I paused to dip my Keebler Snack Stick into my Spinach and Herb dip, and I totally lost my train of thought. Ok, I guess I will just spend some time highlighting some events. I still claim chemo brain, which I believe I have earned that right for the rest of my life.
I had to go to Mayo today for my shot, and while it was being injected, the pain was minimal. Now, however, I can't lay on my right side, and, some chairs hurt when I sit in them. My friend Hope and I coordinate our appointments so that we are there together. We like to chat and laugh and we probably make the older crowd a little nervous, but for me, it is wonderful therapy. Anyway, the room will seat 6 patients, and when we were there, 5 of the chairs were filled. All of us were breast cancer patients. I was the youngest, since Hope was born 7 months before me. Ha ha! I said "Hey! This is the boob room!" Hope and I laughed, the old women did nothing. Oh well.
I took 11 paper bags of clothes to a store that remains nameless but they sell clothes that were once upon a child. I think they took out 10-20 things and gave me $20 for them. I had to haul all of those God forsaken bags of clothes back home. And I was so nice about how I sorted them. Not only by size, but by season. All for naught, those jerks. I don't think I will do that again, except that each store is individually owned so that could make a difference. Seriously, I had outfits PINNED together, and cute ones too! That's it, I am going to just eBay the rest, or maybe give some to a teacher at school who has a little girl. Either way, they are getting out of my hair.
We have some serious cleaning we have to get done before the holidays. I think I am having a hard time accepting that it is the holidays because we have no snow, what-so-ever, and that's sad. But anyway, I am going to do some major cleaning in the next few days, at least I am going to try. Plus I have some baking to do. We have no cookies, and the tub of cookie dough in the fridge by Pillsbury doesn't count. Well, it will count when we are eating them, but it's kind of cheating.
Some people use the word literally too much. Have you noticed that? For example, "I literally puked my brains out," or "I literally coughed up a lung." No they did not. They could not be holding that conversation with me if they puked their brains out. For sure some doctors would want to study them and see how they were functioning without a brain. You can't say literally if it isn't literally. As Dion pointed out they are the people who say, "I could care less." No! That's the point! You are trying to prove that you don't care, right? So you couldn't care less. Couldn't people, stay with me here. Why am I talking about this? Well, the couldn't care less part was kind of a tangent, but the literally part does have some meaning. I was looking for gloves in Dion's trunk, and I can say, with all honesty that everything, including the kitchen sink, was in there. You see, we have to replace our kitchen sink, and there, sitting before my very eyes, was our old kitchen sink in his trunk. It's not a big trunk people! And I couldn't find matching gloves, as much good it did for me to look, since everything was under the kitchen sink.
Does anyone who reads this play hide the pickle at Christmas? Now, don't be dirty and thinking naughty thoughts, you perverts. They were talking about it on the radio today, and I guess I had heard of it before, but forgot. All I could think about were the outtakes from Grumpier Old Men when the old dad is trying to pick up a lady in the food store. I had to laugh. Those were good movies.
Well, I guess I have gone on and on and on enough. For now. I am looking forward to the holidays with my family, and I can hardly wait to see the girls open their gifts. I suspect there will be some squealing. That rocks.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Either way I am going to start something, and I have been trying to figure out what name to give the group. That's harder than it seems! Boobalicious....Care-a-boobs (like the coffee place)...Pretty in Pink. I don't know.
Dion is giving the girls a bath, but they are almost done so I better go. Think of a name for me, will you, and post it in the comment section. How, you ask? Easy, click on the word "comments" and comment away! There, now you can't say that you don't know how to comment on my blog all you readers who don't comment on my blog.
Friday, December 15, 2006
- Venison sausage
- Cantaloupe Jelly
- A capon
- A brisket
- A whole ham
- Blue Cheese
So, like my subject line says, we have food coming out of our ears. I think Dion is going to cook up the capon Saturday, and I think we are saving the ham for Christmas. Who knows when the rest will be prepared. Well, except the Blue Cheese. We happily hand that over to my parents every year. And maybe the venison sausage, I just can't force myself to eat that. **involuntary shiver***
I can't believe that we are 10 days away from Christmas. This year has disappeared before my very eyes. But the thing that is bothering me the most is the fact that we have no snow. I hate having Christmas without snow. There's something just not right about that, and it's even more not right that we live in MN and we have no snow. Dion bought the girls snow tubes to go down the hill in the back yard. That's kind of a hard task when there's no snow. Plus, I want to try them out too.
I have to get packages in the mail, and cards sent out. Yikes. I have a lot to do. Now, don't post a comment saying shame on me, but we don't even have our tree up yet! I know, I know, but seriously, we haven't had a lot of time. Whatever....leave me alone.
I have found myself subbing a lot in the past few weeks, which I enjoy doing, but it takes up a bit of extra time. But like I said before, I have also been doing things for myself. Such as last night. A group of women from the office and I went out to eat and to a play. We went to Outback, which I had never been, and when we got there we found out we had another half an hour for buy one get one free drinks. I can't remember what the drink was that I had, but it was delicious, as was the food. We all had a good time, and even though all of us seemed to be dragging our feet before we left, I think we got over it pretty quick.
Well, I guess that's it for now. I really want to write more just for the mere fact of writing, but I have nothing really to write about. What I can say though is that I think 2007 will be bringing some changes to the Flaska household. Change is good. Scary at times, but good.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Some things that have been keeping me off of Blogger:
- We had our faux Christmas in Illinois with Dion's side of the family. Dion proudly showed off his cooking talents, along with some fantastic lasagna made by his sister-in-law. It was a wonderful weekend even though we wondered if we would make it through the snow. They got 11 inches the night before and the day of our road trip. We were there from Fri-Mon.
- I am going to teach a one day class as Community Ed on how to start your own blog. Awesome, huh?
- I have been buying and wrapping presents. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
- I moved 3 of our 4 bedrooms around last night. I won't even begin to explain it, but me strong like bull.
- I got an mp3 player that I have finally begun to figure out. It rocks. BWAH-HA-HA-HA!
- I have gone out with Carol a few times, and I have been over to a friends house for some rockin' chili.
- I have been doing some extra subbing at work as of late, including today's split shift. But oh how I love being with the kids. I think I would like to work in an environment like the Ronald McDonald House. But would I be good?
I am sure there are a few other things that I am missing like the normal taking Claire to preschool (Oh! We had a Family Festival at her school that I helped set up and take down), going to Mayo every month, and the general day to day junk.
What I would like to do is go out with just Dion at some point. I can't remember when we did that last. But, sigh, we'll see. It's nap time for the girls, so I must bid you adieu. Adieu.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Here is a picture of the turkey that Dion cooked for Thanksgiving. It was an 18 pound bird, and along with that he made stuffing and gravy from scratch. He really outdid himself this holiday and I was so proud of him. I told him later that I was nervous for him since it was his first holiday meal. He, on the other hand, quietly went about his way in the kitchen. There was no stress, no fighting, no nothing this holiday, which was wonderful. Everything seemed to fall into place the way it was supposed to. I made a broccoli salad and chicken salad for the pre-meal grazing, and I also made sweet potatoes that I have to say were quite good. All in all I have to say that this was a wonderful weekend. I couldn't have asked for more.
Then on Friday we went to the Holiday Stroll downtown for the parade, live Nativity, shopping, eating, and lighting of the holiday lights on the stores (we didn't make it to that. Claire fell asleep in my arms during the Nativity reenactment, and since it was getting cold and we had walked downtown, we decided to leave.). The streets were filled with people, and one of my cousins I saw down there said that the event was in Country Living magazine and that's why the crowd was so big. Anyway, it was neat to run into people I knew downtown enjoying the night like we were.
Ok, I have to stop for now because I have to go into to work to talk to a parent who is constantly late in picking up her daughter. Her defense is that she's only a few minutes late. I don't think she went to law school, but I could be wrong.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
5 weeks before he died, he wasn't feeling well. He was anemic, and after testing they found his spleen was grossly enlarged. He started out in the Janesville WI hospital, but was moved to Madison after the doctors scratched their heads, not knowing what was going on with Bill. Madison continued with testing, including two bone marrow biopsies, booth coming back negative. But Madison was convinced there was some sort of cancer in his body, most likely going through his blood since his symptoms had become systemic. A PET scan was done, and it showed his enlarged spleen, along with two nodes lighting up. They did a biopsy of a node the next morning and that afternoon, Bill left his body.
I have never been to a funeral that captured more of a persons essence than that one did. It was so obvious how much he was loved by all people that came into contact with him. The church was packed, and extra chairs had to be brought in. I cried for his family, I laughed at memories shared at the eulogy, and was amazed by it all.
Some things for you to ponder....
Bill died on Veteran's Day...he was a vet and it was VERY important to him.
Bill's was the first funeral in the new sanctuary of the church that he played an intricate role in.
The day before he died, his other daughter gave birth to his second grandchild.
In the last year Bill had pushed Julie to make improvements to their condo. New carpet, wood floors, cabinets, appliances, just to name a few things.
Bill will be missed by so many people. He was the true definition of love thy neighbor as thy self.
He would give the shirt off of his back for anyone, and you certainly would not forget him when you met him. I can only hope to instill those qualities in my girls, and try like heck to follow it myself.
Til next time, Bill.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Today I went into one of the grade schools during lunch time and saw a poor little boy with a mammoth garbage can with a little puddle of vomit by him. I felt so bad for him. But here's the thing, the school put in these foam Purell dispensers and I think that instead of using soap & water, and then the Purell, they are just using Purell. Now, I performed a very scientific test minus the lab coat at work during one staff meeting. I had one person wash their hands with soap & water, one person use a sanitizer, one person use just water and the last did nothing. Before each person did what they were supposed to do, I had them put on this lotion that is supposed to represent germs. After they did their thing, we used a black light to see who had the most "germs" on their hands. It was gross. The hand sanitizer person's hands were covered in "germs" making one wonder how much that stuff actually does. The soap and water hands were the cleanest. So that is why I think we are going to have even more sick kids and staff this year with the new Purell dispensers. In my professional non-lab coat opinion.
On another note, Dion is out of town so it's the girls and I this week. And then we are like ships in the night. I will be heading out of town for the funeral as Dion is heading back to MN. I will drop the girls off at daycare and he will pick them up. I don't know if I will be back Saturday or Sunday yet. I still have to decide.
Now I must go. I have to get Claire into bed.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
"Mommy, why do you have two smiles?"
Referring to the nice double chin I got when I lifted my head to look at her. That happens to everyone, right?!? RIGHT?!?!?
Anyway, it was funny and I laughed at it. She's got an odd sense of humor that she is not even aware of right now. Gotta love it.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Carol went home last Friday, the same day we got 4-5 inches of snow. But she's doing so much better which is wonderful to see.
It seems that the girl's ear infections are cleared up and I only have a few more days of my antibiotics for my sinus infection.
I spent a wonderful two days last weekend at the Edge Life Expo on healing with a friend of mine. As time passes we find more and more things that we have in common, and more and more things that we have the same opinions on. She's been a blessing.
One of my close friend's dad passed away this weekend from what they believe was a very aggressive form of lymphoma. It was about 5 weeks total from when he started feeling bad to this weekend. It's so sad and heartbreaking. I last saw him at my friends graduation last May. Both he and his wife were always wonderful to me, and, well, I don't know.....I know that he has moved on and is fine, it's what is left behind that makes me grieve. I will be going down to the funeral this weekend. I have always thought of Tricia as being like a sister to me, in fact there were always people who asked if we were sisters. I know that there's really nothing I can do for her and her family but be there, and that is what I intend to do.
Ok, some of my own demons that I am facing. Well, not really demons I suppose, but issues that I am trying to tackle. The biggest one is trying to figure out who I am now that treatment is done, now that I have faced cancer and won, now that I have the rest of my life to live. I guess one of the questions is how do you move on? But I have asked that before and I have not figured that out yet, so let's move on to another thought. I am also trying to figure out if I am on the right track, if I am where I am supposed to be. How does one know? I have no clue.
I don't think I am the same person in some ways as before I was diagnosed, but in some ways I think I am. Isn't that clear as mud? I don't know. I will have to think some more about that, but any insight you may have would be helpful because I feel like I am going no where fast.
Friday, November 10, 2006
"OOOOOOOHhhhhhh! I see your underwear!!!!"
(She was wearing a dress)
And so as not to make the little girl feel bad, I said that everyone wears underwear, to which the second little girl said,
"My mom doesn't."
Yikes. Try not to laugh, try not to laugh, you're going to laugh, run away! Run away!
So I did.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
We were called back for vitals (Claire weighs 37 pounds, Nadia weighs 33), temp, weight, blood pressure. Wait, correction, we got Nadia's blood pressure, but I could not peel Claire's arm away from her chest to get hers. The nurse gave in and we went to the exam room. Claire was fine until the doctor walked in and all hell broke out. I asked the doctor if he wanted to look at the ying or the yang child first. We went with Claire. She refused to let him look in her ears, which is why we were there in the first place. I tried to hold her down on the table but got kicked a few times. In the meantime, I was telling Dion to get Nadia out of there so she didn't get scared too. We can't let the easy doctor child be swayed by the difficult doctor child!
He gave up too and went to get extra help. So, while the nurse and I held Claire down, the doctor checked her ears. Right ear infection. Big surprise.
Then it was Nadia's turn. She practically turned her head for the doctor to look in both of her ears. Left ear infection. Another big surprise. You can imagine how fun this house has been the last few days with two children both with sore ears. Poor kiddos.
So while it was a draining experience, I am glad we got them both in to be treated. But in all honesty, I could go another year or so before we have to take Claire in again. I have no clue on how to make the experience a little less stressful for her. I am sure she remembers how often I had to go to the doctor when I was diagnosed, all of the times I had to stay in the hospital after surgery, all of the outpatient things I had done, then you throw into the mix all that my mom has been going through, and I guess it is no big surprise that she has white coat syndrome. I just wish I knew how to make it better for her.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Carol has been in a nursing home for the past week trying to get her all healthy again. She is battling a huge infection in her incision but the wound vac seems to be doing its job. I was there for one of the dressing changes, and I am pretty sure I saw quite a bit of the inside of my mom. Poor Carol. The plan of attack right now is that she will go back to the doctor next Friday and if all is well (or well-er...I know, not a real word) she will be going home. But she will still go to the dr's office to have the vac dressing changed 3 times a week, until it is healed well enough I suppose.
I have to say that the home she is in is very very nice. A lot of really nice staff are working there, and sometimes I have lunch with Carol, which is interesting because in high school I worked in the dietary part of a nursing home. Why is that interesting? Ok, you got me, I suppose it's not, but it sure does bring back some memories of my youth. Like one time, I dumped a whole cart of trays on myself. The wheels got stuck in the gap in the elevator and KABOOM! Pureed food, whole food, drinks, everything came a crashin' down on me. That happened once and never again. But those are stories for another time.
So Carol and I got to talking about people who by their actions or words really deserve to have something happen to them where their faith is questioned, or they fear for their life or a family members, blah blah blah. I don't mean to sound like a vindictive person, but you know the saying, what goes around, comes around. Carol tells me not to worry after I had told her a story about someone in my life who is the biggest thorn in my side. She tells me that you don't need to wish for something to happen to them, that God will take care of it. We were both silent for a moment, reflecting on God and what He can do and such when Carol says,
"Makes you wonder what we did that was so horrible."
That made both of us laugh, but to a degree, it does make you wonder. Karma, fate, destiny, revenge, chance, what does it matter? It happened and so we deal with it, move on, and try to be a better person.
Ok, enough of that, the last thing I want to say is that I am dying to post about Halloween and Dion at work because it is a story of all stories, but I am waiting for a picture so can get enjoy the moment with a visual. So hang in there, I will get a photo, and there will be story telling in the near future. Man, it's a good one, I still am laughing about it. You're curious now, aren't you? Good. Stay tuned...or return to my blog, or whatever. You know what the hell I mean!!
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
I don't really have a lot to say today, but, well, I guess I could comment on some things. Ok. Here are some things that make you go hmmmm (remember that song?).
- There's a sign in the cafeteria that says the following along with pictures of dancing fruits and veggies, "The more you eat 5 a day, the more you will squeeze junk out". Now, is it me, or is that gross? I can only think of poop when I see that sign.
- I saw a couple walking yesterday morning at 5:30, obviously it was still dark. The male had on the reflective traffic control vest. Do you think they fight over who has to wear it?
- I played floor hockey with the kids at work. I was very sore the next day, think I'm out of shape?
- I know all of the words to the Laurie Berkner Band songs. Maybe even all of the dance moves.
- I sleep WAY better on the couch than I do in my bed.
- My middle name is Elizabeth. We thought about naming Claire "Elizabeth Lee Flaska" but that spelled out ELF. I didn't like that.
- Dion thought when I was pregnant with Nadia that her name should be "Candace". **involuntary shiver** I said little boys would be calling asking for "Candy". He got mad.
- Nadia calls bubble gum, "buckle gum". She just recently stopped swallowing it.
- I've got nothing else right now.
I thought I had a little bit more to wonder about, but I guess I don't. For now. Maybe in a little bit I will have something wonderful to write about, but I doubt it.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
An update on my mom....things went from bad to worse for her, and to make a long story short, she is in the nursing home for rehabilitation and so they can care for her infected incision using the wound vac. Wait. Maybe I have already told you this. Dang daylight savings....
I had to take Nadia to the ER tonight. She decided that it would be fun to go towards the steps at full speed and see how long it would take her to bounce to the bottom. Well, I guess it didn't really happen that way, but when I heard a loud noise coming from the stairs and expected to see a laundry basket but saw my daughter's blond curls, well, let's just say panic mode set in. It looked like she was falling down the stairs in fast motion and I felt like I was moving in slow motion. What a horrible experience that was, but we got to the ER and she was acting fine, and the only thing she had to show of her cartwheels were a few red marks. Nothing else. The doctor was leaving the room and he said that she would probably make a good gymnast, which is what Dion and I talk about all of the time. But apparently what saved her from having broken bones was that she must be limber and flexible and just rolled with it. It was scary, none the less.
So this is what I am working on with my therapist. It is the whole idea of how I can get out of this feeling of limbo that I am in when it comes to my cancer. Like I told her, it feels like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, for my body to fail me again. She mentioned that it is hard to find a balance between where you don't think everything wrong is cancer, but you still stay familiar with your body. But most of it is in the way that I am thinking. She gave me a book to look over called, "Mind Over Mood". It is supposed to be an aide in changing the way that you think about some things. I am very curious and open for new ideas, so I am looking forward to perusing the book.
But for now, I have to go. It feels so late.....dang daylight savings. Wish me luck surviving tomorrow.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
I have been (and I say "I" because Dion is not as comfortable with the proper terms) answering the girls questions of male verses female anatomy. They have been taught the terms from me, but still have a hard time pronouncing them. So, to get you up to speed, a male has a peanuts and a woman has a bagina. Ok, here's the story.
I picked Claire and Nadia up from daycare the other day and their provider told me that Claire had put peanut butter in her ear. I said the following, not even thinking...
"Claire! If you put peanut butter in your ears, peanuts will grow out of them."
Quite a visual, I know, and don't try and tell me that you didn't picture it, I know you did. I was mentally giving myself a head slap as I loaded them into the van. It was pretty quiet for a while until Claire said,
"Mommy, I don't want peanuts to grow out of my ears" I stifled a laugh, but could not control it when Nadia added,
"Yeah, and we don't put baginas in our ears either."
Oh my, what have I done?!?
Oh but it gets better. Well, maybe not better, that was pretty gosh darn funny. But here's another one.
Claire is very interested in my breast reconstruction and all of my scars. I was in bed with her for bedtime and she was hiding Care Bears up my sweatshirt. Then she asked what something was, and I could tell she was touching something, but since I have no feeling on all part of my boobs, I wasn't sure what she was touching. I looked and said,
"Well, that's a nipple Claire."
To which she said,
"Hmmm. Nipple. It looks like bubble gum."
There you go. That is Anatomy 101 in the Flaska household. Sorry if it offended anyone, or made them uncomfortable. Don't hold it against me please. But come on, you did laugh at least once, right?
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
This post is not to be confused with the upcoming holiday of Halloween. No no my friends, that is the sound when my husband sees one of the following....
- A spider
- A centipede
- A bat
- Any fast moving bug
- A mouse
Why am I bringing this topic up? Well, our neighbors have started a rather large remodeling project, and it just so happens the day they started with the banging of the hammers and cutting of the lumber, Girl Kitty (Cotton) came waltzing into the dining room with a mouse in her mouth. Score one for Girl Kitty, except she would rather play around with it than kill it, so I was left to hunt it down and dispose of it. Dion was at work, and I will admit, I was a little squeamish, but I got the job done.
Until the next morning, when at 5:45AM Dion got me up and out of bed to get the second mouse that Girl Kitty decided to mess around with. Man those little guys are quick. I was ducking under the table, running from one end of the room to the other with Girl Kitty hitting the little guy like a hockey puck. At one point Dion came sprinting through the room with a broom. I wasn't too sure what he planned on doing since the moment he saw the mouse come towards him, he screamed (eeeeekkkkkk!) and ran away, leaving me of course laughing. At one point he was going to hit the mouse with the broom, but I told him that it was too early for me to be cleaning mouse guts off the floor. Anyway, I got the second mouse with a little corralling from Girl Kitty, and I can hardly wait until tomorrow to see if there are anymore. I think I will call the neighbors and ask them if they are missing some little fury critters.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
When you are in the "pause", one of the side effects of course is hot flashes. My whole life I have been plagued with being extra cold, so I thought hot flashes may work in my benefit in the winter. Wrong. And here is why....
Brrrr....it was a little chilly last night, so I had on flannel (of course) pajamas, and just when I snuggled down into bed and got that ahhhhh feeling you get when you reach that perfect temperature, it started. It was slow at first, building into the tingly sensation you get when you know you are starting to get flushed, until it turned into a full blown sweat. Off came the covers and I used them to fan myself. Then it's gone. Really, it's that fast. Then I was back to square one of being cold, and that is why hot flashes suck in the winter. The whole night is spent this way, explaining why I never get a good sleep.
Only 3 more years to go.....
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers as now they think she may have an infection at the wound site. We'll find out more today I think. Like I said, poor Carol.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
I had to make some phone calls and there is a little area where you can place outside calls. Go figure this out, it's right by the bathroom. Not a boys or girls room, it's a one person bathroom with lots of capabilities of echoing. Like you want to be talking to loved ones with someone next to you making a run for the boarder. Gross. Anyway, that wasn't my problem. I heard a faint whooooooosssshhhhhhhh....then it kept getting louder and louder until I saw the culprit...a guy on a carpet cleaner machine. I told the person I was talking to to wait a second until the guy passed, except he didn't. You see, someone waved him down to talk to him and he literally was 2 feet away from me. It went from a "whoooooooosssshhhhh" to a WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!!! And there he sat talking to whomever. It's not like he didn't see me there, we made eye contact and everything, it just didn't matter. I finished up the conversation and as I hung up the phone, there he went on his merry little way. Really? Are you kidding me?!?!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
She will be in the hospital anywhere from 5 to 7 days and there's a six week recovery, which if you know my mom, will be hard for her.
But anyway, I have to finish getting the girls ready. Claire has preschool this morning, and I will be bouncing back and forth from the hospital, so I gotta run.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Keep in mind that I had a 5 hour drive ahead of me. Now imagine opening your eyes and looking at your watch after "going" to bed at around midnight, and seeing the evil numbers 2:08....PM. That's right folks, PM. I sat up in bed in a daze wondering how it was possible that I slept for 14 hours. Oh, right, the reason lies in the clothes in the washer. Still yuck.
I will say that I had a blast and it was awesome to see people from my past with whom I had good times with, one was even a friend from high school. That was awesome. Anyway, here's to college friends! Sorry to Brandy who had to do a load of laundry at 5:30 AM, and Lori, please tell me your car survived me! Holy crap. How did you guys get up so early Sunday morning?!?
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Ok, just kidding, hence the reason that those around do not know that I have, as I have been told from a psychiatrist, "major depression". I'm pretty good at hiding it huh? Except from those around me where I feel safe to lash out at them, knowing they will still love me and forgive me. To them, I am deeply sorry for doing this, and I promise I am on the road to where I will not act the way I have been acting, unless of course it is because you did something that legitimately pissed me off, in which case.....
Anyway, I have talked before that cancer is like an onion, the more layers you peel back, the more layers you find underneath. It actually took a friend to basically say, "You're no fun anymore" to get me off of my butt and where I needed to be. I knew that things weren't going so well, but I guess I did not see to what degree things had fallen apart on me. That is, until I started talking to the doctor and the flood gates opened, and things that I have been thinking about for quite some time came rolling out of my mouth. He referred me to a psychologist, which I am seeing on Friday morning.
And here's the thing. A lot of people would be ashamed for having to seek outside help, and I am no different. I don't like the fact that I cannot deal with this stuff on my own, that I can't sort my thoughts out to make one complete thought, that I have to waste more tears on the cancer crap. I am tired of cancer making me cry. I am saying all of this for any person any where to read about, so they know. So you know that going to get extra help is ok. That doesn't make you weak, that doesn't mean you are crazy (although I like to say to Dion that I am going to the "crazy" doctor), that doesn't make you less of a person. Unless of course you think of me that way right now. Then this is falling on deaf ears (or blind eyes, whichever). Which is ok. Everyone has a right to their opinion, right? And here's the kicker for all of you who like a little twist in the plot. It's not just us cancer people who need therapy....it can also be those around us, caregivers, family, spouses.... That's right my friends. Mental health is not just limited to those of us who have had to fight a disease. It knocks on any one's door, looking for someone to open the door just a little tiny crack so it can bully it's way in. Damn bully.
So I guess what I am saying is that even though I am wearing this sweatshirt www.gotcancer.org "Laughing in the Face of Cancer" and I do talk a lot about it, and I seem ok from the outside, there's a quiet fury boiling inside, just waiting. There might be someone in your life the same way as I am, and I hope you can see it and offer them some kind of help.
I got home and told Dion and my mom the story, and they thought she was looking at my sweatshirt. Want to know what it says?
"My oncologist is my homeboy"
As the title of this post states, I like to pick at things. When Dion gets a sunburn....oooooohhhhh.....I love it. Not the pain that goes with the sunburn, but that means in a few days that I get to do some serious picking. When I had my last big surgery, the plastic surgeon said to be sure to pick off the scabs because it will heal better and faster. Pick the scabs?!? JACKPOT! If there are scabs that need to be picked, I'm your man. Or woman. Whatever.
Where is this going, you ask? I had to close the program tonight at work. Actually, I should say that I got to close the program. I had a blast with the kids and realised how much I miss them. Anyway, we played in the gym for a while and I noticed something on the floor. It was peeling. It looked like the gym floor spent too much time in the sun and was losing layers rapidly. In reality, something must have gone awry with the wax that was put on the floor because it was peeling up. Holy cow. A whole gym was mine to peel while I played with the kids. I got one girl to peel a little bit with me, even after she said "Eewwww! Gross!" I had to make her stop peeling. I have met my match.
I told this to Dion and I think he is worried about me. Only a peeler would understand.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
I makes me crazy that I cannot post on other blogs. Ok, I will admit, that in the past week I have not tried to post something, really because I go through all the work of writing and logging in, and typing the special code, all for naught. I swear I will try it soon, just not tonight. Anyway, I just read one of my favorite blogs to follow and had to follow up in my blog about the topic Amalia just wrote about. And toxic people is basically it, so here it goes.
If I have learned anything in this life of mine, it is this. I have learned that sometimes, things just don't matter. Sometimes I just don't have time for some people. Sometimes there are people who come into our lives (or are already there and we just don't see them for what they are) who are just plain old poison to us. Sometimes we are poison to other people, but it's easier to talk about the toxins in other people than ourselves, so we'll stick to that.
Although it may be hard, and sad, and depressing, you have to let go of those people. Some I realise are not that easy to let go of, whether it's a family member or maybe someone you work with, but most certainly you can look at your life and who is in it as "friends" and figure out who is doing more harm than good. This is not to be confused with that friend that you can call any time and both of you can complain about any and everything, that is therapeutic. Good for the soul, if you will. That's always good. But there are the people who are just so negative, who subconsciously seem to try and do you in. Just stop. Stop causing yourself pain that is not needed.
There have been a few friends who have left our lives since I was diagnosed with cancer. Not to worry, they probably don't read this, or even know it exists. I used to get upset at this, I used to try and re-connect, I used to feel bad about it. Do you know what I do now? I say "Oh well". I am lucky enough to have a few strong friendships who have seen my through hell and high water, and I know will continue to do so.
Take that step of disconnecting with caution as it will be painful at first. But no more painful than all of the times that "friend" has let you down. As Dion would say, "Quick like a band-aid."
Monday, October 02, 2006
Now, our kitchen floor has seen better days I am sure, like maybe 100 years ago when the house was built, and yes, we have thought about replacing it, but money is kind of tight right now. Ok, strangling us, right now. Dion gets his bonus in a few weeks and while the thought of paying off medical bills and credit cards has lingered in our minds, I think the new focus will be on the mess in our kitchen. Great. Just how we wanted to use the money. Isn't that how life always goes?
For some reason I was inspired to buy a bag of Skittles today. What is so odd about that, you ask? Well, the only time in my life that I have purchased Skittles was when I was working at camp. For some reason, I always craved Skittles there. So tastey, so fruity. It just seemed to me to be a camp treat. So I bought Skittles from the canteen, along with my soda, which unfortunately would just foam in my mouth from all the sugar in the Skittles. I should have just had water, I probably would have saved about $30 each summer by doing so. But hind sight is 20/20.
Anyway, It was my first summer as a counselor, in I think the first month of the summer. There are rules at camp, one of them being no food in the cabin. The last thing you wanted to deal with was a furry forest creature sharing the cabin with a bunch of screaming girls. So let's set the stage....
It was the first night of the week with the new group of girls. They were middles school aged girls, which were one of my favorite aged groups, but that's besides the point. It was lights out time, probably around 10 or so. It amazes me now how good of sleep I got every single night while working at camp, and the amount of sleep I got too. Not to mention quiet time every day, which I slept through. Hey, it's the fresh air!
I had just turned the lights out when I heard a little rattling of a candy wrapper. Crinkle crinkle crinkle....munch munch munch....crinkle crinkle crinkle...munch munch munch. I sighed.
"Whoever is eating whatever, just make sure that you don't drop it on the...." clink clink clink...roll roll roll... " ground." Too late. I could hear candy rolling all over the floor in the complete darkness.
"Oooooo------kaaaaayyy. Whoever dropped all of the candy on the floor, make sure you pick it all up tomorrow morning." It was too late to go hunting for candy.
I found out the next day that the candy in question were Skittles, and the camper in question was Misty, both of which were part of my favorite things that summer. Misty was awesome, and such a sweet kid, and little did she know that by dropping her Skittles, our cabin bonded faster than any other I had that summer. At the end of the week I bought the whole group a bag of Skittles, even on my little $140 a week paycheck. They were worth it.
So today, by buying the bag of Skittles, I was able to relive that moment that summer, and I was able to think of Misty hoping that she has stayed the sweet kid she was 12 years ago, which I am sure she did. 12 years. Wow. She's got to be about 25 years old now. Crazy how time flies by. Crazy how a bag of candy can bring back so many memories.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
"Guess where Claire's class is going?" I said.
"I have no clue." said Dion.
"Well, what month is it?" I questioned.
"Ummmm..." pause. "They're going to the hospital?" Dion asked.
"The hospital?!? No!! There's going to the farm!" I exclaimed.
Now, if that doesn't tell you how much breast cancer is still, and will always be in our life, I don't know what will. He thought the hospital because of breast cancer awareness month...could you imagine that field trip?!?
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Between Claire's birthday, our anniversary, my mom being in the hospital, pretty school, and my own person demons that I have been battling, it was one hell of a week. My demons, you ask? I can't even open that box up yet, it's not the time or place right now. If you knew how much I wanted to write, and the quantity that I could write about, holy man, I would be stuck at this computer for days.
So, onward. I have to tell this little story because it was funny and it reminded me why I work with kids (kind of, when I am not stuck in the office). I have a lead staff who happens to be named Susan. The kids (and some adults) get confused. So one boy was talking about staff and said, "You know, the FUN Sue." That was me. My staff told me the story and informed me that I was the "fun" one. Apparently the kid tried to back track, and I was still feeling all smug and all when he said to Susan, "Yeah, but you're the smart one". Huh. Well, there I fell right off my pedestal, darn it. She tried to make me feel better by saying that the kid was just trying to think of something to make her feel better for not being the fun one, but, sigh.....oh well, fine, I'll be the dumb one. Whatever.
I think I will suggest going to Happ E Hill Pumpkin Farm today with the girls. It is supposed to be in the 70's today, perfect for the farm. But we'll see. They had a good time last year, and now that Nadia is a little older, she will have more fun this time.
Ok, have to run, I am having the ever present argument with Claire about wearing clothes. She's polish (not by me), what can I say?
Thursday, September 28, 2006
I have made contact with another women in town who at 31 was diagnosed with breast cancer. Actually, I didn't talk to her yet, but to her husband. I have no problem with people I know telling other breast cancer people about me, and offering my number to them. But I have the knowledge and acceptance, that 1 out of 5 people actually call wanting some sort of support, which is fine. For me, as long as my name and number are out there to help others, I am happy. They need not call unless they want to, and I totally understand if they don't. Not many women want to talk about their boobs. I am on the opposite side, I will flash them to anyone who asks. I suppose that is the result of being groped and prodded one too many times.
"Welcome Sue, please check your dignity at the door and all will be well."
"You want to do what with that scope? And put it where?"
I really have no idea what the point is of this post, so, with that in mind......