Saturday, September 30, 2006
Between Claire's birthday, our anniversary, my mom being in the hospital, pretty school, and my own person demons that I have been battling, it was one hell of a week. My demons, you ask? I can't even open that box up yet, it's not the time or place right now. If you knew how much I wanted to write, and the quantity that I could write about, holy man, I would be stuck at this computer for days.
So, onward. I have to tell this little story because it was funny and it reminded me why I work with kids (kind of, when I am not stuck in the office). I have a lead staff who happens to be named Susan. The kids (and some adults) get confused. So one boy was talking about staff and said, "You know, the FUN Sue." That was me. My staff told me the story and informed me that I was the "fun" one. Apparently the kid tried to back track, and I was still feeling all smug and all when he said to Susan, "Yeah, but you're the smart one". Huh. Well, there I fell right off my pedestal, darn it. She tried to make me feel better by saying that the kid was just trying to think of something to make her feel better for not being the fun one, but, sigh.....oh well, fine, I'll be the dumb one. Whatever.
I think I will suggest going to Happ E Hill Pumpkin Farm today with the girls. It is supposed to be in the 70's today, perfect for the farm. But we'll see. They had a good time last year, and now that Nadia is a little older, she will have more fun this time.
Ok, have to run, I am having the ever present argument with Claire about wearing clothes. She's polish (not by me), what can I say?
Thursday, September 28, 2006
I have made contact with another women in town who at 31 was diagnosed with breast cancer. Actually, I didn't talk to her yet, but to her husband. I have no problem with people I know telling other breast cancer people about me, and offering my number to them. But I have the knowledge and acceptance, that 1 out of 5 people actually call wanting some sort of support, which is fine. For me, as long as my name and number are out there to help others, I am happy. They need not call unless they want to, and I totally understand if they don't. Not many women want to talk about their boobs. I am on the opposite side, I will flash them to anyone who asks. I suppose that is the result of being groped and prodded one too many times.
"Welcome Sue, please check your dignity at the door and all will be well."
"You want to do what with that scope? And put it where?"
I really have no idea what the point is of this post, so, with that in mind......
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Oh! Oh! Oh! I remember a good one! We were watching Grey's last week and Dion said something about Dr Derrick Sheppard and how he was losing Grey to the vet. And what did Dion say??
"But he's McDreamy! She can't go with the vet!"
I laughed. Again.
Anyway, it has been very busy around here. My mom has been in the hospital all week, so I have gone to see her at night. Yesterday was Claire's 4th birthday and our 8th anniversary (we celebrated last weekend going to see comedian Frank Caliendo). Here's a little play by play of yesterday:
6:00am--got up with the girls
8:15am--Nadia & I took Claire to Pretty School
9:00--Nadia & I head to Mayo for my shot
10:15--check in at Mayo
10:45--get called back
11:30 head for home
12:30--pick up Claire
12:45-- give the girls lunch, Nadia naps
1:15--Claire & I make her cake
2:00--Claire rests, I clean the kitchen, do laundry
3:00--wrap Claire's presents
3:30--Claire & I decorate her cake
4:00--I start dinner for Claire's little party
5:15--Nadia, Claire, Dion, my Dad, my sister Cathy, and I eat and open gifts
6:30--we have cake
7:00--I take Claire to see my mom in the hospital
Now, is it any wonder why I was so exhausted yesterday? If there was, there is no more. I don't think I recovered until about an hour or so ago, and even now I am dragging. I have had a headache from hell today, but that seems to have cleared up with 600mg of Ibuprofen.
I guess that's it. I have some things on the back burner that I will get into with you later, I can't right now, because of lack of time and energy. But I will post some pictures of Claire and her party. She was so excited and said things like, "I can't believe it!" and "This is amazing!" She was funny. So here they are, in no particular order...
Friday, September 22, 2006
"I just don't see it."
"How can you not see it?!? There it is again!!!" Twitch twitch twitch. And again, just as I was sitting here.
So I went on the Internet to try and find out why an eye twitches, and are you ready for this?
- Stress---me? Stressed? Nahhhhh....
- Irritation of the Cornea or Conjunctiva--don't think this is an issue
- Fatigue---I am Suzanne Fatigue Flaska
- Lack of sleep---let's see....two toddlers, working part time, peeing every other hour at night, cancer crap.....
- Prolonged staring at a computer screen or television---Oooops!!!
- Nervous system disorders---what the heck is that?!?
There you have it. A multitude of causes of the eye twitch. I hate the eye twitch. It taunts me with it's little flicker and just won't leave me the hell alone. LEAVE ME ALONE! Twitch twitch twitch.....
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
So here I sit twiddling my thumbs. I am not too sure what or who to write about. There is a blog that I follow on a daily basis, and I read about the preparation of her wedding. Ahhh....the good old days. So, with that in mind, and in honor of Amalia, here's today's blog post...
September 26th, 1998. We had decided on a later wedding, mostly because there was another one ahead of us, but also so we could have candlelight. The night of the rehearsal I said to everyone, "See you at 4 tomorrow!". Ok, so the wedding was actually at 4:30....I was only off by a little bit, sheesh!
Little did we know that it was going to be in the high 80's that day. Hot! Holy cow! I had long sleeves because it was supposed to be a little chilly in September. Nein, nein, fraulein. But something else that sticks out in my mind was the fact that the wedding dress store kind of forgot to put my slip in the bag, the crinoline thing that poofs out the dress. Oh well. I was 2 hours away from the store, there was nothing I could do at that point. I think that is what saved me that day. Everything that could be done, was done, so if something didn't go exactly as planned, oh well. I didn't freak out, I didn't get mad, it was what it was, and that is how I survived. What I remember more from that day is the smell of the candles, the hum of the fans in front, the blue carpet, the look on Dion's face, the candle-lit isle, all the hard work put into one beautiful day.
Then later, the food, the friends and family, the laughs, the fact that I didn't pee once after I got my dress on, the music, the sunset that night was amazing, watching so many different people from so many different time periods in my life come together to celebrate with us. It was a wonderful day. It went too fast, it's been 8 years as of next week since that magical day, it seems like 1.
So for those of you preparing for your day, take in every moment, don't sweat the small stuff, remember every little detail you possibly can, but most of all, have fun, remember why you are there and what you are celebrating.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Thursday, September 14, 2006
The next bit of exciting news is that I have sent emails to a publishing company telling them the title, how many words, genre, and a brief description of my stories to see if they are interested. Wouldn't that be so cool? So I will patiently wait by the computer to hear something, anything, and try not to get my hopes up too high.
I say that, but you have no idea how important this is to me. One of the stories I have been sitting on for 5 years. It would be nice to be able to show it to the public, minus that whole subconscious thing and all, but that's another post....
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Friday, September 08, 2006
Monday, September 04, 2006
But something I don't talk about much is Casey. That was our first baby. The one before Claire. I guess to say baby would be a little misleading, since Casey was just a little peanut when s/he decided that things weren't how they were supposed to be and left us. Miscarriage. Sadness that I hope to never feel again. Emotional and physical pain that can not be compared to anything else. Loss.
Casey was supposed to be born on July 29th, 2002. S/he might have been born in the same month as Dion. We never got that far though. I talk a lot about my feelings of cancer, and you may not even believe this when you hear it, but the loss I felt when Casey died overpowers any emotion I have ever had with cancer. Strange, isn't it? That this tiny little being had a hold of my heart so tight, that I have never since felt a pain like that.
When I found out I was pregnant with Casey, I bought a bib that said "I love my Daddy" and wrapped it up. When Dion was opening that box, I had the song "Arms Wide Open" by Creed playing. If you are not familiar with that song, it is about a man hearing he is going to be a dad. That white bib with red lettering sits on Dion's nightstand. "Arms Wide Open" still makes me cry.
We are faced with the dilemma of me not being able to have any more kids. We won't know for another 3 years. Not just because we don't know if my body will stay in menopause, but we don't know if it is something I should do because of my cancer and it being estrogen receptive. There are people who say that it is safe, there are people who say it isn't. How do you know what is right? I have no idea, and I guess it doesn't matter for another 3 years, but man, that's a long wait.
Oh, here's a little tidbit of info for you to chew on. We picked the name Casey because it was a nice gender neutral name that we agreed on. We found out after all of the cancer stuff came out, that Casey means "Brave Protector". Do you know how I found my lump? After losing Casey, I noticed that my boobs stopped hurting instantly. Through Claire's pregnancy I would push on the upper part of my left boob (the 11:00 position) to make sure it still hurt. I did the same with Nadia. Guess where my tumors were? Brave Protector? I should say so. Casey died so I could live.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Remember that song? Dumb, yet I am unable to not sing it. If you remember also the time in the 80's when the Corey's were kings of the screen and they made a little movie called License to Drive....yep, that song was in it.
Anyway, the real reason for this post is to document a dream I had last night. Now, for all new readers who might not have known, I had a port on the right side of my chest, just below my shoulder that I had removed not too long ago. It is still sore, which kind of surprises me, but I believe in my professional opinion that it is the large amount of scar tissue that has been left behind that is causing the pain.
Ok, so I have pain on my mind when I go to sleep and this is what I dreamt about. I dreamt that I was taking to my surgeon and mentioned the pain, and she said, "Well, we have to remove that area. You are having surgery in an hour."
I remember having a minor panic attack because I don't have any time off for surgery from work, and I didn't want anymore surgeries, and good lord I had no time to fast and I had eaten something and just could die because of it.
That's all I remember. Now, let's analyse this dream. Never mind. I don't want to, I don't want to know what it means, I don't want to know subconsciously what I am feeling, I was just glad that I woke up from it.
So there you have it. My crazy little dream. It must be a slow day for me to write a post like this......