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Monday, September 04, 2006

Labor Day

It's Labor Day. I remember 4 years ago thinking it would be awesome to go into labor on Labor Day. But I didn't. Claire hung in there until the 26th, our anniversary. It was a hard hard delivery.

But something I don't talk about much is Casey. That was our first baby. The one before Claire. I guess to say baby would be a little misleading, since Casey was just a little peanut when s/he decided that things weren't how they were supposed to be and left us. Miscarriage. Sadness that I hope to never feel again. Emotional and physical pain that can not be compared to anything else. Loss.

Casey was supposed to be born on July 29th, 2002. S/he might have been born in the same month as Dion. We never got that far though. I talk a lot about my feelings of cancer, and you may not even believe this when you hear it, but the loss I felt when Casey died overpowers any emotion I have ever had with cancer. Strange, isn't it? That this tiny little being had a hold of my heart so tight, that I have never since felt a pain like that.

When I found out I was pregnant with Casey, I bought a bib that said "I love my Daddy" and wrapped it up. When Dion was opening that box, I had the song "Arms Wide Open" by Creed playing. If you are not familiar with that song, it is about a man hearing he is going to be a dad. That white bib with red lettering sits on Dion's nightstand. "Arms Wide Open" still makes me cry.

We are faced with the dilemma of me not being able to have any more kids. We won't know for another 3 years. Not just because we don't know if my body will stay in menopause, but we don't know if it is something I should do because of my cancer and it being estrogen receptive. There are people who say that it is safe, there are people who say it isn't. How do you know what is right? I have no idea, and I guess it doesn't matter for another 3 years, but man, that's a long wait.

Oh, here's a little tidbit of info for you to chew on. We picked the name Casey because it was a nice gender neutral name that we agreed on. We found out after all of the cancer stuff came out, that Casey means "Brave Protector". Do you know how I found my lump? After losing Casey, I noticed that my boobs stopped hurting instantly. Through Claire's pregnancy I would push on the upper part of my left boob (the 11:00 position) to make sure it still hurt. I did the same with Nadia. Guess where my tumors were? Brave Protector? I should say so. Casey died so I could live.

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