Tuesday, July 31, 2007
So how do they do it? Or do I really even want to know? I guess there would be no point in me figuring out how they do what they do when I so disagree with it. How does a person lacking a moral compass get up in the morning, greet themselves in the mirror and say,
"Hot damn! Here's to another day of screwing people out of what they deserve, belittling others so they feel like crap, and making sure that I get all that I need today."
How do they do it with no remorse, no feelings, no guilt? I feel bad when I don't return a phone call. But I suppose with years and years of acting the way these Dragons do, it just becomes natural behavior. Something automatic. Scary.
What is even more scary about these people, is that there are weaker people amongst them who see what they do, and think that they should do it too. Baby Dragons, if you will. I am glad that the people I chose to be around are anti-Dragon. I have no time for Dragons, unless of course they are apologizing for being such.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Here it is, the long awaited tattoo! I couldn't put the angel on because she would have been too small for any good detail. So, instead I had him put a star with the letter "C" for Casey. I am very happy with it, and could have gone back today for more. But, I have to save some for next year. This was done by Brandon at Olde Town Tattoo in St Cloud MN. I highly recommend him.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
"Beautiful hardwood floors!!"------We hate them. I used to like them. I used to think they were so pretty, and really they are, just in other people's homes. With all the cat and/or dog hair that flies around here, on a weekly basis, we gain another pet.
"Pedestal Sink!!" ------We don't like them very much. I wish I had a reason why, but I don't.
Ok, so I guess that is all I can come up with. But the crazy thing is we have BOTH of these things in our home, as I type!
This post is so dumb, I might not post it at all. But I probably will. I need something deep to discuss, and I've got nuttin'!
My apologies to the readers.
So my next challenge is to get the word out there. I know I can post something in the paper for free, and I think I can take some info over to the clinic. Other than that, I am kind of at a loss. Let me know if you can think of anything else that I can do to get this thing up and running. Of course, the next thing to do is figure out how to run a support group. Hmmmm...
Here is an example of the tattoo that I want done in 3 more days. I am giddy with excitement, and the time is going so slow that I can hardly stand it! This will be my 5th time getting inked, not of course counting the tattoos they use for radiation. 2 of those times were to put additions onto the first tattoo I ever got...the moon. There are quite a few things that eventually I want to add to this tree, but time will tell.
So what does it mean? Well, a tree is very symbolic of life. Changing through the different seasons, the natural beauty that trees posses have always amazed me, the fall colors being my favorite. The angel in the tree is for the first baby I lost, Casey. She is sitting in the tree of life, watching over her family. Her name means "Brave Protector" and there couldn't be a better fit.
Anyway, I will post the actual tattoo when it heals enough to be presentable. EEEEKKKKKK!!! I am so pumped!!!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Here's what I have to do:
1. Tagged individuals must write seven truths on their blog, as well as the rules of the game.
2. They must then tag seven people and list them in their blog.
3. You must leave a message on the blog of each of the seven and invite them to visit and play.
Seven truths....let's do some digging, shall we?
1. When I was young I wanted to get into acting, but the face movements that they made us do in class for practise made me feel odd, so I didn't pursue that career.
2. I have been to psychics, and find them very interesting.
3. Every time I would finish something for my cancer (treatments, surgery etc) I would buy something for myself. The last thing I bought was a beaded bracelet where each bead represents a part in Christ's life.
4. There has only been one person in my life that I have truly hated. I don't feel bad about it either (don't worry, if you are reading this, it is not you).
5. I have a slight envy over other families whose siblings all get along. I wish we could all hang out comfortably.
6. I will never be able to give to my kids what my parents did for me financially, and that sucks.
7. If I hadn't married Dion, I would be an alcholic. There's no doubt in my mind about that.
So there you go. 7 truths about me that you may or may not have known. The rules state that I have to tag other people, but the kids are in need of my attention, so I will do that later.
Monday, July 16, 2007
In 16 days (who's counting?) I go in for my 6 month visit. Like always, there's the added fear that something might be wrong. You'd think a person would get used to doing this, but I don't think I ever will. Don't get me wrong, I feel lately that mentally I have grabbed this cancer by the horns, and I almost have it pinned to the ground. But for ever check up, my hands slip just a little bit, and the cancer gets to raise it's ugly head and look me in the face again. And let me tell you, he is ugly. It's almost like a little freeze frame (did you sing the song from the 80's? I did) is set into motion and plays back in my brain at rapid speeds. Swoosh....I can hear the loud click of the breast biopsy.....swoosh...Nadia is born....swoosh...appointment after appointment...swoosh....surgery. And so on and so on for 3 years worth of memories.
I noticed the other day that they forgot to schedule my chest x-ray for this visit. Easy enough fix. I call Mayo up and they inform me that there are no orders for a chest x-ray. No orders? What do they mean no orders? That was the last remaining test that I had done that put me at ease at every visit. How could they just not do it? What the hell is blood work going to tell? Nothing. I hung up the phone with a feeling of gloom and doom. But what if the fact that most days I can hardly keep my eyes open come 4:30pm is something, and could have been caught earlier with an x-ray done? What about the pain in my ankle? Certainly a chest x-ray would be able to tell me what's wrong with that, right? Ok, that would be a stretch, but you become so dependant on testing, to just have it done one day really doesn't help me continue a good path on the mental state of this cancer crap.
Another big thing is our home. We haven't had any bites on it, and the longer I am here, the more memories crop up. It's wrong that I know exactly where I was when I told my mom I had cancer. I shouldn't be able to so visibly see where I was sitting in the living room when I told Dion that I was ok if he remarried. I know exactly where I was standing when I called my friends Brandy and Tricia, and told them the news. I can see myself in our main floor bath, standing in front of the mirror with a sandwich bag taped to the cabinet as I pulled chunks of my hair out and softly put them into that bag. I see pill bottle after pill bottle all in an attempt to not throw up from chemo. I was standing in the front hall when during radiation I used some aloe on my burn, not looking to see that there was alcohol in the gel and having my open bleeding wounds burn like they were on fire. That made me cry. That made Claire, my little girl who was just 2 years old look at me with her big blue eyes and say, "Mommy's crying now?" That broke my heart.
I just wish someone would buy this house so we can close that chapter of our lives and start new. Build new, happy memories in another house. I am not naive enough to think that there will never be new sad memories, but this cancer crap, well, I just need to be done with it.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Friday, July 06, 2007
(You will have to read this to understand.)
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
I got a new phone yesterday. I like it.