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Friday, October 26, 2007

The effects of radiation on my poor white white skin 3 years after treatment. Looks nice huh? I am a hot mama!

My Armpit

I hate my left armpit. Not that I have a fondness of the right one, but the left one is just annoying. Let me tell you why.

When I had my first mastectomy, the cancer side, the doctor did a lymph node biopsy, which was located under my arm (the armpit). While I did not have any cancer in the lymph nodes, the biopsy has left me with some unnatural feelings. First, my armpit is numb. Since having this surgery, I have made it a habit to shave that pit first. I hate it. To shave over an area that has no feeling just plain old sucks. I never know if I am going to cut myself, and it's like I keep waiting for the numbness to go away, but it doesn't. I also use my Dove deodorant on that pit first. Same thing. It feels odd not feeling anything. And for some reason I rub it on really fast. I kind of like the coolness you feel when putting deodorant on. Odd, I know.

This whole day I have had an itch not really in my armpit, but it feels like it is under the skin. And because I have no feeling there, no matter how much I try and scratch it, the itch is still there. It's almost a form of torture. A lot of times I end up grunting out of frustration that the itch won't go away. Imagine having a bug bite and not matter how much you scratch, you get no relief. Crappy thought, right?

And then there is the pain that goes along with this armpit of mine. Kind of like someone putting little pins into my skin. Some areas are worse than others, but they all hurt when pushed on or bumped. My poor little pit. We won't even talk about the number that radiation has done to my skin. Maybe I will take a little picture for you to enjoy what I get to enjoy every day. Not of my boobs, pervert, just the effects of radiation.

Anyway, I wouldn't mind getting a new pit if it meant I could get the feeling back and the pain gone. Do they do armpit transplants?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


We picked out and carved some pumpkins last weekend. I will supply the finished product later when I take some pictures tonight. But here are carvings in the making...

Our Last One

If you are in my address book, you already got a message on this. For those of you who are not, we need a little help in this house. We got another cat over a week ago, and have yet to agree on a name.

I found him outside and after a few days took him to the shelter as it was apparent he didn't have a home. They did testing and updated his shots and now he is ours. Want to help pick a name?

Face Book

It was a while back that I was introduced to Face Book by my pal Russ. Recently I have been tinkering around the site, not quite sure as to what I am doing or how I am doing things. Of course, I have been on My Space for a while and still don't know quite what I am doing there, or what I should be doing there. I do know that every once in a while I get asked to "add" someone, hence the reason I have some random bands as part of my friends list.

Anyway, back to Face Book. I have been throwing things at people there, but I am not sure why. I threw a sheep at my cousin, I poked a friend, and I think I somehow tickled everyone on my friend list, but I'm not sure. I know I can send someone a beer, or cheer for them, or dance with them, but I am just not understanding all of this. But it would be nice to dance with someone without them having to see me actually dance. Does all of this mean that I am getting old and just not getting it? Or is it the fact that I have yet to master the art of Face Book? Or is it both? I have no idea.

I do know that I keep going back to the site to see if someone has done something to me, and I believe my cousin has tried to beat me up on the Internet. Virtual there is a good concept.

So if you are a part of Face Book, feel free to contact me and tell me what the heck I should be doing there.

Sunday, October 21, 2007


A few weeks back I got a chance to catch up with some college friends at Homecoming. We looked at pictures, shared some laughs, drank some drinks, and really had a good time. I know that I am not what I used to be in many ways. It was a little bit of a challenge keeping up with the drinks. At least more so than I remembered. We closed the bars like the old days, we had a contest that I believe I should take a ribbon on, we danced with interesting people and each other. I learned what the shots I was doing contained the next day and it made the tossing and turning make a little more sense. Red Bull. I didn't even know shots were made of that, but they are. I limited myself the next night to 2 of them, for the mere fact that I had to get some sleep before the drive home.

Anyway, as I said, we looked at some pictures and oh my lord. It is funny to see the days of pre-low riders. Pants almost up to the armpits....although I cannot take credit for that since most of the time I wore guys jeans. I have this horribly high waist and if I wore girls jeans they would have been just under my chin. In almost every picture, we wore flannel shirts. I remember my closet my freshman year being stuffed with flannels. Of every shade, of every pattern, of every thickness. I loved flannels (still do). Not only shirts, but pants too. It was an awesome time to be in college. While there were some people who did get all dolled up for parties, it was ok to show up in a flannel shirt and jeans. I miss those days, although I still wear flannels, just not as often.

I think back to the days when I weighed in the 130's and sigh. Now between having children and all of the different medications I am on and some of the treatments from breast cancer, well, let's just say I am a ways from the 130's. It's frustrating. Shallow, but frustrating none the less.

I think back to when I was in school and all I wanted to do was graduate. I didn't have a plan on what I was going to do with my life, and I am paying the price for it now. I was an English major, only because I loved to read and write. No minor. Remember, the plan was just to graduate. If I could do it over again, I would change a few things. Maybe have English as a minor, and focus on an actual field where I could get a job that pertained to the four years I spent in college. What would I do, you ask? I would like to be a crime scene investigator. Isn't that odd? Would you pick me as a person who would enjoy doing such a thing?

Wow. I just sat here for a moment thinking. Do you know that I have never in my life declared something that I wanted to do as a career? I have never said, "I would really like to....blah blah blah". Why is that? Why as a child did I not have ambition to follow a dream? Why didn't I set goals for myself and follow through with them? Why don't I do that now? I guess not a lot has changed. Now it just seems like if I make it through each day, then life is good. But is it really? Something is missing and I can't put my finger on it. Then I think to myself how the heck could I squeeze one more thing into each day? Maybe on on-line course of some sort is something to look into. Or not. I don't know.

What I do know is that some day flannels are going to come back into fashion (as fashions always do) and I can't wait.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

What I am Not Allowed to Write About

You silly silly reader, I just said I couldn't write about it Someone might read it, and it might get back to another someone, which would create daily, possibly longterm problems. But let me just say this.....we got screwed! Above and beyond, to the point of I am not sure how we are going to dig ourselves out. But, we always do, so I guess time will tell. I am just really not happy about it.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

My Life on a Dry Erase

Sorry For the Delay

I don't know. The last few weeks have been kicking me into the ground, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I could write for a while about what has been going on, but I think the topic I want to focus on is as follows.

Going through life you obviously meet a lot of people. Duh, right? Then there is your family and friends, doctors and dentists (What? I like like them as people, not for what they do to me. Leave me alone.), and I could go on and on. I hope that all of you reading this has that one person, that one friend whom you trust with your life, who makes you laugh, who cries with you. Or, if you are really lucky, you may have two or three friends like that. I am one of the lucky ones, but this is not what I am wanting to write about.

Sometimes you find someone in your life with whom you feel safe with, besides those friends mentioned above, which is what I had. What these people do not know is once they break that safety, there is no going back. I no longer feel safe with this person, I no longer can talk freely with her, I will no longer do what I have done in the past for her as I basically feel as though it meant nothing. I put myself on the line, put myself in uncomfortable positions for her, and now, well, like I said, she is no longer safe. I mourn the loss of that feeling, but my first feeling is anger. Then shock. I would like to approach said person, but a part of me feels at this point, why bother? Once that feeling of safety is gone, can you ever get it back again? I think not. But I could be wrong. It's happened from time to time. If I were a bigger person I would be able to let it go, but I am not. Maybe some day I will, but for now......

So along with that, I have been summoned for jury duty, I have been putting in extra hours at work, we were supposed to get a new roof yesterday that we can't afford, but have to wait until the rain decides to stop, I have had more dental work done which means more trips to Rochester and more things we can't afford, and I am just trying to get a handle on this life of mine. In the past it was all about living, surviving cancer, and trust me, it still is, but all those other feelings of every day stresses that I had to put on the back shelf, basically put on hold, are trying to figure out how to mesh with the cancer feelings. I can't tell at this point who is winning. It's like I finally have a grasp on cancer, and now I feel the other life woes slipping. I should take a picture of my calendar and post it, and you might get a little glimpse into my world of insanity. Our neighbor asked when his wife was pregnant with their second child if it was that different with 2 kids. I laughed. I told him that it wasn't 2 times the amount of work, it was about 10 times the amount of work. I think I burst his bubble, but I think it is easy for people who have one child (not you , Bran) to judge those of us who have two or more. They wonder why it is such a challenge to keep these kids under control. Some of them don't understand why it would be so difficult. Why aren't our kids totally under control 100% of the time?!? I know some of them think that, but I don't care. Some days are harder than others, but I wouldn't change a thing. I want my kids to remember their childhood as a fun time, not as a control-freak time. I don't need to hold that control all of the time, sometimes I like to just sit back and watch Nadia wrestle Claire to the floor and win. Sometimes I like to watch them sit and read books together. Sometimes I like to run through the house chasing them even though I know "we don't run in the house".

Speaking of the kids, I have to get Nadia ready for school. Sorry about the jumble mumbleness of this post. I am out of practice.

****Since writing this, I have talked to the person mentioned above, but feel the same way as I did before. But for those of you who are panicking, wondering what you did to piss me off (RED!!) never fear. If you are reading this, I promise you are not the person I am referring to as I don't think she reads this ever. Now stop wondering if it is is not.