I don't know. The last few weeks have been kicking me into the ground, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I could write for a while about what has been going on, but I think the topic I want to focus on is as follows.
Going through life you obviously meet a lot of people. Duh, right? Then there is your family and friends, doctors and dentists (What? I like like them as people, not for what they do to me. Leave me alone.), and I could go on and on. I hope that all of you reading this has that one person, that one friend whom you trust with your life, who makes you laugh, who cries with you. Or, if you are really lucky, you may have two or three friends like that. I am one of the lucky ones, but this is not what I am wanting to write about.
Sometimes you find someone in your life with whom you feel safe with, besides those friends mentioned above, which is what I had. What these people do not know is once they break that safety, there is no going back. I no longer feel safe with this person, I no longer can talk freely with her, I will no longer do what I have done in the past for her as I basically feel as though it meant nothing. I put myself on the line, put myself in uncomfortable positions for her, and now, well, like I said, she is no longer safe. I mourn the loss of that feeling, but my first feeling is anger. Then shock. I would like to approach said person, but a part of me feels at this point, why bother? Once that feeling of safety is gone, can you ever get it back again? I think not. But I could be wrong. It's happened from time to time. If I were a bigger person I would be able to let it go, but I am not. Maybe some day I will, but for now......
So along with that, I have been summoned for jury duty, I have been putting in extra hours at work, we were supposed to get a new roof yesterday that we can't afford, but have to wait until the rain decides to stop, I have had more dental work done which means more trips to Rochester and more things we can't afford, and I am just trying to get a handle on this life of mine. In the past it was all about living, surviving cancer, and trust me, it still is, but all those other feelings of every day stresses that I had to put on the back shelf, basically put on hold, are trying to figure out how to mesh with the cancer feelings. I can't tell at this point who is winning. It's like I finally have a grasp on cancer, and now I feel the other life woes slipping. I should take a picture of my calendar and post it, and you might get a little glimpse into my world of insanity. Our neighbor asked when his wife was pregnant with their second child if it was that different with 2 kids. I laughed. I told him that it wasn't 2 times the amount of work, it was about 10 times the amount of work. I think I burst his bubble, but I think it is easy for people who have one child (not you , Bran) to judge those of us who have two or more. They wonder why it is such a challenge to keep these kids under control. Some of them don't understand why it would be so difficult. Why aren't our kids totally under control 100% of the time?!? I know some of them think that, but I don't care. Some days are harder than others, but I wouldn't change a thing. I want my kids to remember their childhood as a fun time, not as a control-freak time. I don't need to hold that control all of the time, sometimes I like to just sit back and watch Nadia wrestle Claire to the floor and win. Sometimes I like to watch them sit and read books together. Sometimes I like to run through the house chasing them even though I know "we don't run in the house".
Speaking of the kids, I have to get Nadia ready for school. Sorry about the jumble mumbleness of this post. I am out of practice.
****Since writing this, I have talked to the person mentioned above, but feel the same way as I did before. But for those of you who are panicking, wondering what you did to piss me off (RED!!) never fear. If you are reading this, I promise you are not the person I am referring to as I don't think she reads this ever. Now stop wondering if it is you.....it is not.