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Friday, November 30, 2007

How Did You Do That?

Ok, how do you make a link of your favorites on the sidebar of your blog? I suck. Some day I may figure all of this out, but I wouldn't suggest holding your breath.


I have been holding out on this post for a bit, as it is kind of disturbing. Well, actually, the post is not disturbing but the dreams I have been having are disturbing. To the point that I have not mentioned them to anyone. Anyone. Part of it is fear, part is worry, part is just that I feel people may not want to hear about these dreams. So to get them out of my head and onto a screen, I will be writing about them now.

It hasn't been an overwhelmingly amount of dreams, in fact I believe there have only been three of them. In all of them I am in some kind of situation where my life is in danger. I have an extreme amount of fear, but at the same time, anger. I can't remember what exactly is going on in my dreams, but I know that there is someone out there trying to either hurt or kill me. Actually, I know it is kill me now that I sit here and think about it. I know this because in every dream I yell out, "I am not going to be killed by you after I survived cancer!" In one of the dreams there was a line of screaming and crying that I did that said,

"I did not lose my breasts, to die now! I did not lose all of my hair to survive, to die now! I did not get burnt until I bled from radiation, to die now! I did not do a years worth of preventative chemo, to die now! I did not lose myself, to die now!"

All of this I was screaming and that out of control crying that happens from time to time. I really don't know why I am having these dreams, I know I wake up and wonder how much of it I screamed out loud. I have woken up with a damp cheek from crying in my dreams. I am trying to figure out why, after 3 and a half years, my brain has decided to go into high drive with these thoughts. I may not know why, but I do know the thoughts that come naturally for me. I have a 6 month check coming up in about 2 months. There are always fears that go along with check ups, but nothing like these dreams I have been having. I am hoping they will subside for a bit and give my brain a little break.

I have always had vivid dreams. i used to write them down when I woke up. A few months ago I found one of my dream books and read my dreams. I remembered them like they happened last night. I don't want to remember the most recent ones anymore.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

When Things Just Don't Seem to Be Going Right

Here are a few things that I have seen in the recent past that have made me stop and think. Sometimes we get into this negative funk, thinking the worse for everything. It is at that point that I have to stop and think, or watch, or listen and I see that things may not be always as them seem. For example:

A little while back I was looking up the hill from across the street. I saw a lot of movement and what looked like garbage bags being thrown (or rolled, actually) down the side of the hill. I couldn't believe that the people who lived up there would throw their garbage down on us commoners. Then I realized, it wasn't bags of garbage, it was a herd of deer. There had to have been 4 or 5 of them running down the hill and through the yards across the streets. It was magnificent.

There is a child at work who has quite a few issues due to a rough family life. Some people see him approaching them and they get a little worried as to what he will say or do. He came up to me I said hi, and he gave me a huge hug. In the beginning of the school year, he didn't even want someone patting his shoulder. He stuck to me like glue the rest of the morning. It was awesome.

My office is in a classroom that used to belong to my program. Due to lack of space, our room was turned into an actual classroom. I know the teacher, he is also a cancer folk like me. I like him. He's fun, down to earth and realistic. I was sitting in my little office when a sneezing fit attacked. I am not a quiet sneezer. In fact, I can sometime break windows. Not really, but whatever. I felt bad that I was interrupting his teaching, until the whole classroom yelled out guzhuntite (not sure how to spell in German)I peeked my head out the door and said thank you.

I had to take both children to the doctor for well visits (I was a little late on Nadia's). Claire is now 5 so she had to get her 5 year old shots. Yikes. When the time came for the three shots, all hell broke loose. It took three of us to get the deed done. Claire cried (of course) but then I saw that Nadia was crying. She has done this before. There have been times when Claire got hurt and was crying, and Nadia tears up. She honestly feels really bad when Claire is in pain. In fact, every time Claire brought up the shots later that night (which was A LOT as you can imagine), Nadia would tear up again, saying that she was sad that Claire had owies. Nadia has proclaimed that she will never turn 5 because she doesn't want those shots either.

So, I am trying, with the holidays to remind me, that not everything is as it seems, that a lot of things have a ring of hope and promise around them, even if at the time it doesn't seem that way. Happy Holidays everyone!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

In Reference to The Earlier Post

The auction stated, and I quote.....

"HEAVY Heavy Coat, this measures 52 around the bust line and 40 inches in overall length with a drawstring around the hem as well as the waist to block out the wind.4 cargo pockets on the front with buttons for full closure. Sweatshirt material around the inside collar for better comfort. the cuffs are also doubled with sweatshirt material so no wind or rain is going to get in. This resembles a military jacket!"

Basically it was a windbreaker, not suitable for MN winters. What a joke. Doesn't matter, I have taken care of the situation and now have a new winter coat. Yeah for me.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Jury Duty

Did I mention that I have jury duty for three months? Unlike a lot of people, it doesn't really bother me all that much. The one thing that I don't like is having to call to see if I actually have to show up that day. For example, I am to go in on the 19th. I am supposed to call in the morning of to listen to a recording to see if I actually have to report. At 10:30am to be exact. So I do what I am supposed to do. I call at 10:30am, not knowing if I will have to change things around for work, daycare, and preschool. What has happened both times I have gotten a letter? The recording says to call back at 10:45am to be told if I have to report or not. Both times I have not had to report. I get all excited to be a part of the system, to have all my hopes dashed. I mean, they do pay $20 a day, and they do give about $.19 a mile for mileage. I live about 3 blocks from the courthouse, so I am talking about big bucks I would be getting for this. I told Dion the only way it could get any better would be if I would get sequestered. How awesome would that be? I would take a bunch of books, some bubble bath, and comfy pj's. Sigh.......I can dream, right?

Big Fat Liar!!!

Here's a warning to you....when someone on eBay says the coat they are selling is "Heavy, heavy", make sure you find out their definition of heavy. According to the lady that I bought my "coat" from, heavy heavy means a fall jacket. I curse her. Yes, that's right, I CURSE HER!!

Thursday, November 08, 2007

My Coat Dilemma

As you understand, I live in a state where it tends to get cold pretty darn early. I think for Halloween it was in the 30's, which was not that bad. Last year I think it was in the 20's so rock on global warming. Remember in the day when we were going to move? In my extreme need for getting things started/done I was so smart and started packing objects that we didn't need out at the time or things that were the wrong season. Little did I know that we would be in this house come winter time.

Now, follow me here, it has started to get to a point where a sweatshirt just won't work to keep the chilly willies out. I know. I tried. So, I was off to try and dig out my coat from last year which of course was not located with my winter clothes. Why would I do something that made so much sense?

After digging through a hall closet, and falling into it, and almost getting stuck, I found my coat. HA! I push my arms through the sleeves feeling the down feathers instantly warming my body. I remember from the year before that the zipper was starting to stick, so I fumbled with the little rectangular piece for a while. Something didn't feel right though. I took the front and tried to pull it together as to resemble a zipper and was in shock. They wouldn't meet in the middle! There were two objects in the way, which happen to be attached to my body in the chest area.

My boobs had grown so much over the past year that my coat no longer fit. BECAUSE OF MY BOOBS! Maybe if I wore my coat like a vest, I could get by with my boob challenged coat. I think there might be a little bit of a breeze effect wearing my coat like that. There is no way I could survive a Minnesota winter with a coat I could not zipper. My boobs would freeze and I wouldn't even know it since I don't have feeling in them.

So, off to eBay I go. I do my search making sure that every coat that I watch has a rather large bust measurement. Nice. I found a few that I liked, but in the meantime I am getting pretty darn cold when I go out. Finally after 5 days I win a coat that will accommodate my chest. I plan on being nice and warm in 3-5 days.

Trying to Decide on Christmas Card Pictures