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Friday, November 30, 2007

Dreams

I have been holding out on this post for a bit, as it is kind of disturbing. Well, actually, the post is not disturbing but the dreams I have been having are disturbing. To the point that I have not mentioned them to anyone. Anyone. Part of it is fear, part is worry, part is just that I feel people may not want to hear about these dreams. So to get them out of my head and onto a screen, I will be writing about them now.


It hasn't been an overwhelmingly amount of dreams, in fact I believe there have only been three of them. In all of them I am in some kind of situation where my life is in danger. I have an extreme amount of fear, but at the same time, anger. I can't remember what exactly is going on in my dreams, but I know that there is someone out there trying to either hurt or kill me. Actually, I know it is kill me now that I sit here and think about it. I know this because in every dream I yell out, "I am not going to be killed by you after I survived cancer!" In one of the dreams there was a line of screaming and crying that I did that said,

"I did not lose my breasts, to die now! I did not lose all of my hair to survive, to die now! I did not get burnt until I bled from radiation, to die now! I did not do a years worth of preventative chemo, to die now! I did not lose myself, to die now!"


All of this I was screaming and that out of control crying that happens from time to time. I really don't know why I am having these dreams, I know I wake up and wonder how much of it I screamed out loud. I have woken up with a damp cheek from crying in my dreams. I am trying to figure out why, after 3 and a half years, my brain has decided to go into high drive with these thoughts. I may not know why, but I do know the thoughts that come naturally for me. I have a 6 month check coming up in about 2 months. There are always fears that go along with check ups, but nothing like these dreams I have been having. I am hoping they will subside for a bit and give my brain a little break.

I have always had vivid dreams. i used to write them down when I woke up. A few months ago I found one of my dream books and read my dreams. I remembered them like they happened last night. I don't want to remember the most recent ones anymore.

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