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Friday, June 27, 2008

A Few Things

Sometimes it seems as though days are just melting into each other. Things that I thought happened weeks ago, even months, turned out actually happened 4 or 5 days ago. Weird.



My dad's brother and his wife visited from California. They got here on the 25th and left today. What a great visit! Don & Karen & my mom and I went out to eat one night. We grilled another night, and I treasured the time not only for me, but also for Don and my dad. There was one point at dinner when I looked over at Don and saw my grandma's eyes in his. It was so comforting.....

***I am putting this section in because last night, when I first started this post, the power went out. I am happy that good old Blogger saved it as a draft so that I can continue tonight. A tree branch (a large tree branch) fell off of a tree and landed on wires and knocked a lot of us out of power. It was like out of a movie. The power went out and all of a sudden, everyone is coming out of their homes, looking at each other. It was a good time for a beer run, and we stayed up until after 2am, hanging out on our front step with our neighbor. I laughed. A lot. To me, that was a little sign that I was not ready to complete the post last night. That I needed a little bit of a break, even if it was a few hours, from all that is unfolding around me. So, with that, here's the rest of the post.***

My grandma passed away almost 6 years ago. I felt blessed to see her again through Don.

I am about a month behind in asking for donations for the Mississippi Shuffle this year. As most of you know, we do the Relay for Life each summer. We have been involved for the last 6 years. The summer after my diagnosis was an emotional walk. I don't know how I am feeling this year. We all know that it is for a great cause as most of us have been touched by cancer one way or another. I don't know if it is part of my bitterness or what, but as I said, I am behind. How behind? I have nothing. No money raised. Nada. Zip. I have to get my act together. So this is me getting my act together.......

There are many reasons to donate to the American Cancer Society. I am one. With funds from organizations like this, more and more people, like me, can get into studies, more research can be done to pinpoint cancers, the causes and hopefully the cures. Here's another reason. I would not wish on anyone what our family is going through. I can only hope and pray that you don't watch your dad (or mom, or brother, or sister, etc) waste away to nothing. I hope and pray that through the American Cancer Society and the money raised, that you won't have to watch what I am watching. each dollar raised gets us that closer to finding a cure for this beast that takes so many lives each year, and effects so many others. If you are interested in donating, let me know. I will get the info to you that you will need. In the meantime, have a peek here or here (after scrolling down a bit), or even here.

So let's see....what else? One of my brother's is flying (literally flying the plane) here with his daughter to see my dad tomorrow. He'll stay for a few hours and then fly back home. My other brother will be coming up on the train on Monday night. He has broken his leg so this might get interesting. I have no clue how he is going to get up and down stairs as he can't put any weight on it. Blah blah blaaaahhhhh....oogie boogie. That's all I've got on that stuff.

There's more, but I need to stop for now. Breaks are good. Tree branches falling on power lines are good. Too much thinking? Not so much.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Sarcoidosis Returns!

I finally got the biopsy results from the little bumps on my leg. Once again, it is Sarcoidosis back with a vengeance trying to take over my pink ribbon tattoo! But never fear! I am armed with a cream that will take those little bumps back down to nothing. Who does this Sarcoid think it is?!? First, four years ago, it scares me into think the cancer returned. Now it thinks it can just come back into my life and scare me again? I think not.

But I have to add that I am more than happy to have it be the Sarcoidosis than the alternative. I will take that any day.

On another note, Nadia has been dealing with a high fever (104.7 this morning). I had taken her in yesterday and they did a strep test (negative) so it's been tossed up to a virus going around that lasts a couple of days. The strep test was interesting. I told her to open her mouth for the doctor, but of course she wouldn't. He got the tongue depressor in and she bit down. He got her mouth open enough to get the swabs in, and she bit down on those as well. So now she has the wooden stick and two cotton swab sticks poking out of her mouth. The doctor was trying to get them back out by moving his hand left to right and all I could think about was a tug of war between a dog and it's owner.....grrrr....grrr...grrrrr! He finally got them out and tears ensued. What fun.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Some Funsies

I suppose I better explain the word "funsies". Way back when, pre us-dating, Dion and I had a J-Term class together in college. Some people really took a class with meaning, some people took a class for fun, and some took a class to fulfil a requirement. That was Dion and I. We took a math class. We both looked at each other and started to wonder why there were puzzles on the desk by the professor. That was a bad sign. Anyway, during one class she did something, worked out a math problem or something, and said, in all her glory,

"Now wasn't that a funsie?"

That was 15 years ago. We still use that term. So that's what a funsie is. But I digress.

Here are some things that have made me laugh lately because I have been focusing way too much on being sad. So, I will be on sad vacation for a moment, to share.

I love watching scary movies. I have to cover my mouth so as not to scream out loud, but I still love them. Dion remains calm throughout the flicks, except when he gets startled. Then he says, "Ah." It sounds fake when you hear it because it is so mellow, but it's real. That is his expression of fear.

The other day the Weather Bug started to chirp, which means that there's some serious weather coming. Kelsey does not enjoy a good storm. She freaks. A lot. So Dion was trying to calm her nerves by making fun of her, I was clicking on the Weather Bug to see what was up, and Kelsey was yelling, "This could be serious! What if there are tiny spaceships attacking earth?!?"

My friend Brandy has a sister-in-law who knows how to do the entire "Thriller" dance. She does it sometimes when we got out and I about pee my pants every time.

My dog's breath smells like old poop. Ok, not really a funsie, more of a not so fun fact.

We have 4 cats, all of whom I love dearly for very different reasons. They are rather goofy, and they make me laugh every day. They have all been rescued too.

Kelsey taught the girls the cha cha slide. They are better than I am.

I got nothing else right now. I have to write things down more as they happen so I can remember. Or maybe just write things down at all. That would probably help.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Happy Father's Day






Such a bitter sweet day. We went over to my parents to grill out. My dad did the grilling, which I didn't say a word about. I figured this would be the last time that he grilled for his family, and I wanted him to have that moment. Right after we ate, he went into to bed to try and ease the pain in his belly. I took the girls in there to give him his cards and we all ended up laying in his bed together. After a while I shooed the girls out so I could spend some time with my dad. It will be forever ingrained in my mind and heart, us, laying side by side talking for 45 minutes or so. I loved every moment of it. But that naughty thought that this would be the last Father's Day I spent with my dad always lingered on my mind. How could it not?



Anyway, here are some pictures from today, the pool ones are from at our neighbors house. We are very lucky to have such great neighbors, that all the adults and the kids get along, to have them as friends. There are many blessings in our lives, even though sometimes they are hard to see through the rain clouds.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Hospice

I know it has been a while since I last wrote but I wanted to wait until things were settled with my dad. He has decided to start hospice, which is good for everyone involved. They will be coming in once a week to check on him and make sure his meds are at the level they need to be. They will offer support for not only him but for my mom too. The list goes on and on with what they provide.

Anyway, we will be spending Father's Day there tomorrow. I haven't talked about this fact to anyone, but those of you in blog land tend to get my feelings first anyway. There's something to be said about being able to put all of my thoughts down on here as opposed to talking about them in person. Even though I know there are a few people reading this, that doesn't bother me. Anyway, the thought going through my mind for the last month or so is that this will be the last Father's Day that I spend with my dad. What an odd and bothersome thought. The last the last the last.....I hate the thought of all of the "lasts". It's a double edge sword. I am treasuring this time that I am getting with him. Time to take to talk about things that we would never really talk about. If he died without warning, he wouldn't know half of the things that I have told him. But, the flip side is that I hate watching what he is going through. I hate hearing him say that he can handle the pain until it gets to a 5 out of 10. I hate so much of all of this.

My brother-in-law's wife's (would that be considered my sister-in-law?) dad died about a week ago. He too had cancer. Sometimes this great big world of ours seems so small. I told Dion that it was a strange thought to think that Bree's dad and my dad will die within weeks/months of each other. No matter what, it's not easy losing a parent. But Bree and I are lucky to have the husbands that we do. I knew that I was lucky before cancer came after my dad, and long before it came after me. He is my lifeline, my support, my best friend. I love him. So much.

Ok, this is much longer than I planned on it being....sorry about that. I just want to thank all of you for all of the support that I have been getting. Well, my family, I should say, has been getting. If I learned anything through my cancer crap, is that people truly want to help, they truly care. And that, my friends, is awesome.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Distractions

I have found today that a good distraction from thinking too much is right here at the computer. I go to game website and find that I can slip out of my brain for a good hour or so, not counting when the girls or Dion interrupt. Beggars can't be choosers I suppose.

I am trying to wrap my brain around some of the thoughts that are going through my mind. I still have problems grasping the idea that my dad is dying. It just doesn't seem real. I look at him and wonder, will it be in a month, or week, or tonight? What if it happens tonight? Have I done all that I can to help my parents through this? I have no clue. Mostly because I don't know what I am supposed to be doing.

I have decided that the weekends suck. There is way too much thinking time. At least during the week I am busy with work and the kids and such. All day today I have been lost in my thoughts, but the worst part is I couldn't tell you what my thoughts have been. Odd, huh?

On Monday a hospice in-take nurse is coming into the house to talk about care for my dad. That seems so strange. I am going to be there for that meeting as it's important for me to hear, as well as my parents, about what the future holds. I tend to keep going back to this one specific memory of my dad that I have, and it brings warm fuzzies. I have no idea how young I was, but I know I was home sick. I can see myself on the couch in our old family room. The room is dark, the TV in at a low volume, and my dad opens the back door. He strides into the room, his normal powerful walk, and leans over and hands me a white cat that had a red ball with Velcro on it so she cold hold the ball. I treasured that cat. I used to sit on the floor and pull the paws apart so when I rolled the ball to her, she would catch it. I don't think I named it, if I did I don't remember what it was. But I loved that cat. Thinking back though, I think I loved the fact that my dad surprised me with this stuffed animal because he knew I was sick. He usually only brought gifts back when he traveled out of state or out of the country. This cat was special. This is a thought that I can't stop thinking about.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

So Today....

I went to the dermatologist to have her look at these red bumps that have formed on my right leg. They are very odd, and let me tell you why. They only appear on areas on my leg that have a scar. And only my right leg. I have quite a few scars on my body folks, but the red bumps have limited themselves to an old shaving wound from oh, about 14 years ago, and....(deep breath)....on my breast cancer ribbon tattoo. 13 spots only on the black part. The doctor is stumped. Wow. A shocker. I have something that is uncommon. She took the shaving scar lump, and had to take a piece of my tattoo, to send to pathology. It will take a week to see what the heck is going on. My poor tat.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Kids

"Maybe Grandpa can play fetch with Spark up in heaven" -Claire


"It's not going to be much fun without a grandpa." -Nadia


This is what the girls said the last time we talked about cancer and the fact that some people die from cancer, while some people don't. This will not be easy on anyone, but I dread it for my girls.