Saturday, June 07, 2008


I have found today that a good distraction from thinking too much is right here at the computer. I go to game website and find that I can slip out of my brain for a good hour or so, not counting when the girls or Dion interrupt. Beggars can't be choosers I suppose.

I am trying to wrap my brain around some of the thoughts that are going through my mind. I still have problems grasping the idea that my dad is dying. It just doesn't seem real. I look at him and wonder, will it be in a month, or week, or tonight? What if it happens tonight? Have I done all that I can to help my parents through this? I have no clue. Mostly because I don't know what I am supposed to be doing.

I have decided that the weekends suck. There is way too much thinking time. At least during the week I am busy with work and the kids and such. All day today I have been lost in my thoughts, but the worst part is I couldn't tell you what my thoughts have been. Odd, huh?

On Monday a hospice in-take nurse is coming into the house to talk about care for my dad. That seems so strange. I am going to be there for that meeting as it's important for me to hear, as well as my parents, about what the future holds. I tend to keep going back to this one specific memory of my dad that I have, and it brings warm fuzzies. I have no idea how young I was, but I know I was home sick. I can see myself on the couch in our old family room. The room is dark, the TV in at a low volume, and my dad opens the back door. He strides into the room, his normal powerful walk, and leans over and hands me a white cat that had a red ball with Velcro on it so she cold hold the ball. I treasured that cat. I used to sit on the floor and pull the paws apart so when I rolled the ball to her, she would catch it. I don't think I named it, if I did I don't remember what it was. But I loved that cat. Thinking back though, I think I loved the fact that my dad surprised me with this stuffed animal because he knew I was sick. He usually only brought gifts back when he traveled out of state or out of the country. This cat was special. This is a thought that I can't stop thinking about.


Amalia said...

A purple horse with a white mane and tail. A cheap toy my father had picked up for me on one of his cross-country trucking routes. I woke up to it beside my pillow one day. I don't know where it is now, but I wish I still had it - still had the thing that showed me how much my Daddy loved me.

A white cat with velcro paws sounds wonderful... I'm so glad you have that memory to hang on to.
Big Hugs.

Brenda Starr said...

How beautiful. What a wonderful memory and it speaks to the kind of relationship you and your dad have. I wish things were different.