Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A Potluck

This will have to just be a complete potluck of sorts for a post since I really don't have just one thing to talk about in particular. So here we go.....

This past Monday was the year anniversary of my dad's death. I should have taken the day off of work since I really didn't want to be there, but I had to go on the field trip due to low staffing. In fact, I have to work every day this much for Tuesdays and Fridays off. But anyway, I took the girls up to the cemetery and we hung some things on my dad's nameplate. A butterfly necklace from Claire and a prism from Nadia. When we finally decided to leave, Nadia said to wait, she had to say by to Grandpa. She went up to his nameplate and put her cheek against it, hugged, and said goodbye. Sigh.

I go for my 6 month check next Tuesday. Am I nervous? You know, I am not really sure. Strange. I really just feel kind of blah about it. It's getting old, all of this dealing with cancer crap. I am tired of having it pop up in my brain, I am tired of all the pills that I am on (although I have been quite naughty the past month or so remembering to take them), I think I am just tired in general. And possibly I am getting a summer cold, judging by my sore throat and cough. Blasted.

We are working on some floor plans to add on to our house. It will basically be another house for my my to live in, but since we are in a single residence, it will be connected to our house. We talk again with the guy who drew the plans up next week, and hopefully it will get approved by the city and so forth and so forth. I will feel better when my mom is here with us. She is going to Mayo next month about the bulging disk in her back. So that on top of the open wounds she has (going on year 3 of that mess) she is in rough shape. I took her to the ER last week to try and get her pain manageable. She is now on some heavy duty meds to get her through the days. It has been a very rough time for her, and I wish there was more that I could do to help her.

I have a boatload of pictures to go through, but I know that it would be at least 3 hours worth of work, and I just don't have the time right now to do it so it will have to wait. Which sucks, because I love the process. If only I had a few extra hours in a day, but who doesn't wish that?

I am going to see American Idol on Sept 1st! Woo hoo!! That will be a fun one, I believe. I hope.

And here is the long list of animals that now reside in our house....

1 dog
4 cats
4 mice
1 fish
1 snail
2 frogs
1 guinea pig

And a partridge in a pear tree. Welcome to the jungle (we got fun and games....oh you know you were singing the words).

Some days I don't know if I am coming or going. Actually, it's more than some days. It's pretty much every day. And I don't like it. There will be a little break in my thinking activity, which thank God for that because I would be a mess right about now (at least more than I already am). But then it's back to the grind of wondering, worrying, thinking, and some other feelings that I can't really put into words right now. That is an odd feeling, not being able to put something into words. Or maybe it's the fact that I CAN'T put the words down. Literally. Some have said that a person should do a post and not publish it, then it's off your mind, but not visible for others to read. I haven't done that yet, but maybe now is the time to do that. I have no where else to vent. I can talk to Dion over and over about a particular subject, but won't that get old for him? Unfortunately, the land of blogging is a double edge sword. While it's awesome to have a lot of readers/followers, that also means that the blogger has to be careful in what is said. Which also means that there are restrictions in what I can and cannot write, which totally defeats the purpose of having a blog. For example, I could not say that I would love to punch whomever in the face. It might get back to them and then I would actually have to do it. Or, I could not say that so and so is a big fat loser, even if I wanted to say it. Even if it were true. Ahhhh.....the joys of blogging.

Anyway, some things you cannot change. I know that, but it doesn't make me feel better having that knowledge. I guess we all have choices to make in life. No one said they would be easy, or fair, or fun. But it seems like something is missing. Some spark that I used to have. I honestly don't know who I am anymore, and how scary is that? I have found that I no longer trust people, I have been lied to too many times, I also have found that instead of finding the silver lining, I focus on the grey clouds. They are consistent, the lining is not. I would love to be in love with life again, but life is getting in the way. What the hell? What sense does that make? Not much. I am tired of being let down by humanity, maybe that is why I am so pessimistic now a days. Maybe that is why I don't trust many people any more. Maybe that is why I don't know who I am anymore. Or maybe I should just stop blaming other people and take a good look at myself and see why I am allowing myself to feel this way. Damn it all to hell. I think this is just a rough week. I am going to pull a quote out of my past, and hopefully abide by it.......

This too shall pass.

It has too, or I just may not make it out of here with all of my marbles.