Wednesday, October 11, 2006

You'd Never Know

If you are a person I see on occasion, maybe a friend or co-worker or such, there is something that you should know about me. I am depressed. There. I said it. Ok, that's all I wanted to tell you.

Ok, just kidding, hence the reason that those around do not know that I have, as I have been told from a psychiatrist, "major depression". I'm pretty good at hiding it huh? Except from those around me where I feel safe to lash out at them, knowing they will still love me and forgive me. To them, I am deeply sorry for doing this, and I promise I am on the road to where I will not act the way I have been acting, unless of course it is because you did something that legitimately pissed me off, in which case.....

Anyway, I have talked before that cancer is like an onion, the more layers you peel back, the more layers you find underneath. It actually took a friend to basically say, "You're no fun anymore" to get me off of my butt and where I needed to be. I knew that things weren't going so well, but I guess I did not see to what degree things had fallen apart on me. That is, until I started talking to the doctor and the flood gates opened, and things that I have been thinking about for quite some time came rolling out of my mouth. He referred me to a psychologist, which I am seeing on Friday morning.

And here's the thing. A lot of people would be ashamed for having to seek outside help, and I am no different. I don't like the fact that I cannot deal with this stuff on my own, that I can't sort my thoughts out to make one complete thought, that I have to waste more tears on the cancer crap. I am tired of cancer making me cry. I am saying all of this for any person any where to read about, so they know. So you know that going to get extra help is ok. That doesn't make you weak, that doesn't mean you are crazy (although I like to say to Dion that I am going to the "crazy" doctor), that doesn't make you less of a person. Unless of course you think of me that way right now. Then this is falling on deaf ears (or blind eyes, whichever). Which is ok. Everyone has a right to their opinion, right? And here's the kicker for all of you who like a little twist in the plot. It's not just us cancer people who need can also be those around us, caregivers, family, spouses.... That's right my friends. Mental health is not just limited to those of us who have had to fight a disease. It knocks on any one's door, looking for someone to open the door just a little tiny crack so it can bully it's way in. Damn bully.

So I guess what I am saying is that even though I am wearing this sweatshirt "Laughing in the Face of Cancer" and I do talk a lot about it, and I seem ok from the outside, there's a quiet fury boiling inside, just waiting. There might be someone in your life the same way as I am, and I hope you can see it and offer them some kind of help.

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