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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A Modgepodge

The last few days I have had things that I wanted to write about, but the lack of time and energy would stop me. So, with that said, this post may be all over the place. Hope you don't mind.

One thing I wanted to write about was.....I don't even know how to describe it, which is odd. How do I write about it if I can't describe it? Let's give it a try....

Going back 4 years ago when I was diagnosed. So many times I was told how brave I was, what a good attitude I had, how positive I was about everything. I fooled you all. Except for a few people, I didn't let on to how scared I was, or sad I was, or pissed I was. If that weren't the case people would not have been telling me how positive I was. But here's the thing. I did that for you (ok, not specifically you reading this at this exact moment, but "you" meaning the public, those around me etc). Do you think that if I were all mopey that you would want to be around me? Do you think that maybe it might be just a little uncomfortable to hang around me while I sobbed (although that I usually did that in the shower, so I guess in more ways than one that would have been uncomfortable for all involved)? That's right. Sobbed. Heaving, uncontrollable sobbing. Those of us directly dealing with cancer have to keep our emotions under control around everyone else. We have to keep our fears, anger, depression in check so that those around us do not feel uncomfortable. Now, 4 years later, I find myself doing the same thing. If you were to see my mom and I around town, most likely you would have no clue as to the turmoil rumbling around on the inside of both of us. We don't walk around saying poor me, poor me, unless we are safe with you. Then we will unload a little at a time. And THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I would not dream of telling someone how they should appear as they grieve. Only because I know. I would not think to even THINK someone does not appear to care or be worried or sad simply because they are not walking around crying. the soapbox I go....most likely onto another one.

We are all exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. And there are so many other factors in play here along with the impending death of my father. The past few weeks have been a stress I have never felt and hope I never have to again. I won't go into many details, but I cannot understand the thought process of some people. For the first time in my life, I have been treated horribly by someone and guess what? I don't care. At all. I got so sick of wondering what the hell this person was thinking, and saying over and over that I don't get it. And of course wondering what I did that was so horrible that I was treated the way I was. Now I know why I don't get it. Because I wouldn't treat others the way that I was treated. I have wasted so much time worrying about what was going to happen next or what hurtful thing was going to be said next, stress just a flowin' through me. Done. It's done, and I am done. I wash my hands of it all, and now I can actually focus on what lies ahead. I can spend my energy on my parents like I should have been. So many times I wanted to say something to this person, but the nastiness, sarcasm, in your face be honest, I couldn't do it. I am not strong enough, especially right now. I am embarrassed to say that. I wish I had it in me, but I don't. Maybe this is an area I need to work on, but really it's only with a few people. But now that I think about it, I really only have a few people in my life who are like that. Thank God for that! Yikes! Couldn't handle much more.

My dad now has a walker, but really he only gets up a few times a day to use the bathroom. I am still fortunate enough to be able to lay next to him in his bed and talk. Nothing really specific, but things that I will treasure. His hospice nurse is going there today so I will be there for that in the afternoon. He had some friends visit last Friday. They took time to drive up here, pay for a hotel room, dinner, gas, etc and my dad was so grateful for that. I thanked them for that, and they said..."There's no way we wouldn't have come." See that? For every dink we have to deal with, there are lots of more angels walking on this earth willing to make things easier for us. I have some friends who gave my mom so many frozen meals which have been priceless, a real estate agent who lives up the road stopped in with chocolate covered strawberries the other day. My cousins stop in to visit and help with things, my sister cuts the grass for my parents, they get cards upon cards sent from not only their friends, but some of my friends too. My dad's niece sent a phone card for my parents to use. Do you see? I wasted all of that time and energy above focusing on the negative of ONE person, when all of these other wonderful people are around me. That confirms my "doneness" I stated before. I just need to keep these angels on earth around me. THEY make me feel good. THEY are truly out to help in any way they can. THEY are going to help us through this. THEY are cherished. Thank you Angels. Over and over, thank you.


Tammy said...

Whenever someone writes in an anonymous way about someone else (leaving their identity out) I always worry in my insecurities that it's me who has offended and hurt and if it was, it certainly was unintentional.

I felt SO HORRIBLE today when I realized that by telling your mom how her attitude (like you described above) cheered the ladies at the lab and and encouraged them it somehow placed a burden on her. My words were meant as encouragement, but I guess my delivery was off. I chewed on that the whole time I was mowing the lawn literally kicking myself in the hind end wishing I had a whole lot more tact. Good thing you guys love me in spite of my lack of tact.

I had a wonderful time with your dad on Saturday and I'm so glad I've said what was on my heart - thanks for that encouragement.

RecycleCindy said...

Hang in there. I was so touched by your honest, heartfelt feelings about cancer. We all have our "days" and don't feel bad at all about sharing and venting a bit. It keeps us healthy and sane. Take care and I will be remembering you, your Dad, and the rest of the family in my prayers.