I have found that I tend to wander around, not really knowing what I should be doing. Tonight I went to Walmart at 11:00pm with nothing really in mind to buy, but I stayed there for about an hour, just walking around picking up things here and there. I find that I really don't want to be at home, I think too much there. I went to work today and awaited the call from my mom to tell me what was going on with Mayo. She called and told me that if Mayo hasn't called in a week, that she should call them. The only other thing we know is that my dad's blood is getting too thick now and that could lead to a stroke. What the hell?
I find myself also thinking about my childhood, memories end up floating around like wisps of smoke. Sometimes I really think that this is all just a mistake, how could this really be happening? Then I wander some more. I am having trouble sleeping at night, I wake up with vivid dreams and have problems going back to bed. I decided tonight that I will have a beer and maybe that will help. If nothing else, it tastes good.
It has been surreal to listen to my dad's wishes. Talking like we were having a conversation about what to buy at the store. This just can't be right. I look at him and I see that he is not well. I can see his shoulder bones and collar bone....they stick out and I can see them through his shirt. But then you move down to his abdomen and it seems like it is getting bigger. I'm sure more fluid is collecting there. I watch him get up and move around like he is 15 years older than what he actually is. All my life my dad has been this giant of a man, strong and powerful, and now I can see him deteriorating before my eyes. His face is an ashy white color, but when I look close, I can see into his eyes, the eyes that gave me my eye color. I was the only one to get those blue eyes. I always felt like there was some sort of bond because of that.
The world seems to be spinning out of control and I don't know how to stop it, or if I even can. When I try to think, things seem fuzzy. It is amazing what a year can make. Almost a year ago we went to that cabin for my parents 50th anniversary. He looks like a different person in those pictures. What I wouldn't do to turn the clock back and be sitting in that cabin celebrating my parents, laughing, eating, creating memories. Just a chance to have more time. One little chance.