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Thursday, February 14, 2008

My Dad

Oh boy, he is having a rough rough time now. He spends most of the time sleeping, and although I went through all the chemo crap, I forgot how much things can change day to day. I think it is like giving birth. Right after Claire was born (which was a hard hard delivery) I thought that I would never do it again. I thought the memory of the pain of that delivery would make it impossible to even think about giving birth ever again. 18 months later I did it again.

I feel like time is slipping away and there is nothing that can be done about it. I have a hard time concentrating on things and I know that I am not as pleasant to be around right now. There's a part of me that just wants to be alone for a while, to be able to digest all that is going on, but that is not within the bounds of reality. I still have work, the girls still have school and daycare, there's still snow to be shoveled, laundry to be done and a house in need of cleaning. The world does not, and will not, stop because I want it to.

I look back a few years ago at how my life was, how I felt, how I was dealing with things. Sometimes I am embarassed at the thoughts that went through my mind. Embarassed at the fears I had of my life. The doubts I had every time my doctor said that he was fairly sure that I was done with breast cancer. I look at what my dad is going through and find that it is nothing like what I went through. I was lucky. He is not.

I find myself being torn between my two families. I want to spend as much time with my parents that I can, but in doing so I miss out on my family at home. Things start slipping, like the laundry and cleaning. I know they will always be waiting for me, but with 5 people living in this house it adds up fast.

I know this post isn't flowing quite as well as it should as I am just writing things as they pop into my head. I don't really care much. Sometimes, for a moment or two, I forget that my dad is dying. Those are very limited moments. I find that things that normally wouldn't bother me too much are grating on my nerves, whatever is left of my nerves. I feel like I am so impatient with other things in my life, that it almost isn't fair to others. But then, on the other hand, I really don't care about that. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but guess what? I don't care about that either. That's a lot of not caring and as I re-read what I write, I better start changing things before I make it impossible for others to be around me. But then again, maybe I won't. I have to keep my priorities where they should be, but at the same time understand that there are other things going on in my life. Yuck. This sucks.

1 comment:

Amalia said...

Stop beating yourself up! There is only so much caring that any person can do. If you're pulled in one irection, then you have to leave one direction behind for a while. That's life. Stop beating yourself up over it! While you're at it, why don't you have one of the other two adults in your house and have them watch your kids for a while. Go somewhere away from the laundry and the cleaning and just be by yourself for a while. Sort through all you're going through and allow yourself to feel all those things you push away in order to funtion.
This sounds preachy, so ignore it if you want. I hope you know that you deserve to have the space you need to deal with all of this, despite being a wife, mother and employee. You're Sue, too. You deserve it and you need it.