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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Keeping Up...or the Lack of it

I find myself not being able to keep up with thing in general. I have phone calls to friends to return. I haven't. I have piles of clothes to wash. I'm working on it, but not making much progress. I have my emotions to deal with concerning my dad. I haven't touched on them as of yet. I haven't blogged for a bit, that would mean having to get my feelings out there about everything. I figured it was time. Not only for that but for an update on my dad. This week is another busy one, and the only way I can handle it is one day at a time and hopefully that will suffice.

I recently worked over 54 hours in a week, 34 hours over my regular shifts. I think I have recovered from that, but again this week I have to sub 3 times for staff. Tonight is Claire's graduation from preschool, tomorrow is Nadia's carnival for preschool. They will have a blast, as they always do for school things. But the big thing this week is my dad.

He had an ultrasound done of his stomach since he is still having problems with pain, etc. It has been 9 weeks since he stopped chemo, so he should be feeling better than he is, and he shouldn't be only able to stay out of bed for 4-6 hours like he is now. The ultrasound showed that his abdomen is filling with fluid again, and that his spleen is enlarged again. One would think that the cancer has returned, but nothing has been said by his doctor about that. Yet. Wednesday he will be going to Mayo for blood work and another PET scan. Thursday he will be having another bone marrow biopsy and will be meeting with his oncologist. I will be there for that appointment, after I get Nadia back to daycare.

I don't know what to think. I mean, I have an idea of what is going on, but I hate watching it, and thinking about it, and seeing my dad go through it. He once was a man who demanded attention when he walked through the doors, and because of his size and demeanor, he got it. He once was a man who walked 20 feet in front of us, his long stride making us almost run to catch up with him. He once was a man who if crossed, you felt the wrath. He was very successful in his career, supervising many many people. I see a shell of that today. I see a man who needs help when trying to get up and down the stairs. I see a man who can no longer walk 20 feet in front of us, now he is in front of us in the form of being in a wheelchair when getting around at Mayo or at the store. But what hasn't changed is the sparkle in his eyes when he says something funny. If you get past how much his looks have changed, you can still see that man inside of him. I think though, that he is just tired. This cancer stuff is not easy, my friends. I will keep you posted.


Tammy said...

I have so many memories of your dad being my hero. One stands out clearly though. I was in Children's hospital with some sort of undiagnosed stomach thing. I know now it was probably stress. They had me in isolation, so when I went to the playroom it was all by myself and I remember standing there at the window and I saw this cab pull up to the front door three or four floors below me. Out stepped Uncle Jack in a suit and trench coat. That stride you talk about was in evidence that day too. I remember feeling safe just seeing him walk into the hospital because I knew how people listened and obeyed him. He has a commanding presence and the rest of us follow where he leads. He spent the day with me then doing nothing, sometimes just holding me. It will always be one of my most cherished memories.

Watching the changes is hard and I am grieving them along with you.

Thanks for sharing Sue.

Eliza Brock said...

I am sorry to hear about your dad. It is not an easy thing to watch loved ones go through difficult times. Know that there are many out there praying for you and hoping for the best. A day at a time is all we can do. Hang in there and keep your chin up!