I was diagnosed two years ago, I was eight months pregnant with Nadia. Claire was 18 months old, and we had quality time together, time to get to know each other, time to love each other. I remember when we brought Nadia home, Claire seemed so big. In reality she was still just a baby.
What you may not know though, is that it has taken me almost this long to bond with Nadia. There was a part in my heart that didn't want to bond with this new baby, knowing that I may not be there to watch her grow. I didn't want her to miss my love, my touch, me. I was very reserved when it came to Nadia, and have been until the last 6 months or so. Now, this is not to be confused with me not loving Nadia. I do. And I have. With all that I am. I call her my "cancer catcher", I love her smile, her laugh, her little pouty lip. But I am starting to feel like I am in a position where I will be able to watch my girls grow, watch them go to school, watch them turn into beautiful women.
Sad that I have wasted these past two years, but there was no way around it. There was no way to get into my brain and "get over it", as someone once said. I still have the fear, maybe not daily, but it's there. But at least I have my kids back.