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Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Something Only A Few People Know

I was diagnosed two years ago, I was eight months pregnant with Nadia. Claire was 18 months old, and we had quality time together, time to get to know each other, time to love each other. I remember when we brought Nadia home, Claire seemed so big. In reality she was still just a baby.

What you may not know though, is that it has taken me almost this long to bond with Nadia. There was a part in my heart that didn't want to bond with this new baby, knowing that I may not be there to watch her grow. I didn't want her to miss my love, my touch, me. I was very reserved when it came to Nadia, and have been until the last 6 months or so. Now, this is not to be confused with me not loving Nadia. I do. And I have. With all that I am. I call her my "cancer catcher", I love her smile, her laugh, her little pouty lip. But I am starting to feel like I am in a position where I will be able to watch my girls grow, watch them go to school, watch them turn into beautiful women.

Sad that I have wasted these past two years, but there was no way around it. There was no way to get into my brain and "get over it", as someone once said. I still have the fear, maybe not daily, but it's there. But at least I have my kids back.


Amalia said...

Don't beat yourself up. You had a normal reaction to an extraordinary circumstance. What's important now is that you are able to bond with her, and to be safe in the knowledge that you will be at BOTH of your daughter's graduations and weddings... even the birth of THEIR children. Forgive yourself for taking so long... all that matters is today. :)

Anonymous said...

It never showed

mahsa said...

Don't worry,the happiest people don't worry too much about whether life is fair or not.they just get on with it.