Sunday, August 27, 2006

Breast Cancer, Beast Cancer

I find it interesting that a lot of people do typos with breast cancer, and end up typing beast cancer. And beast cancer it is. Some days it is a beast that takes up my whole existence, that's all I think about, that's all I worry about, that's all that I hate.

Other days, it seems like a little blip in my life, something I can look back on and say, "thank God that's over". But most days, it's just there. Kind of nibbling in the corner of my mind, wanting to take over, but unable to because of me. It takes almost all of the energy I have to keep cancer at bay, to keep it from controlling every aspect of my life. But I do it. Somehow. I do it so I can live. Now, that's not to say that I don't have some days that are bad, because I do. Some days when I can use all of the power I have and cancer still wins. But I think these days are healthy too. They remind me of what is important. They remind me that I am human and not just a pin cushion, a statistic, a lab rat.

Other things that I keep in mind is that it could have been so much worse. It could have spread, it could have been too late. A lot of people say that it's never too late. Don't say that to a cancer patient who has it in their bones, lungs, brain. That is a sad sad thought to me, and even more sad is that it could have been me, but it also still can be me.

Sigh. I have just been called for dinner. My lovely husband has put together a nice Italian meal, and it smells just wonderful. I am just happy that I am here to smell it.

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