One Step Closer

Another milestone this week....I got the staples taken out of my boobs yesterday. I wish I could say that I was strong person, not a wimp, but I can't. I did get light headed and a tad pale (ok, more pale than usual). Sigh. I used to think that I would get used to the blood and gore that has come with all of this cancer crap, but I haven't. I don't think I ever will. The brain is a powerful thing, folks. I told the doctor that I knew that was the reason I could not do the procedure in his office and had to be out for it. I swear, he is such a good guy, such a talented doctor. Kudos.

So, what's next, you wonder? Nothing. That's it. I'm done. Just the regular check ups, my pill and study shot for another 3 years, and that's it. Then we wait. I will try to live life as normal as possible, but in the back of my mind, I am waiting. The bad part is I don't think that I was have anymore "safe" moments. This is hard to explain. I don't mean to sound negative, because that is not how I am thinking. I guess last night when I was looking through some old pictures, I saw myself as a different person. Obviously physically, but I looked into my face, my eyes, and there was something that has been taken away. I can see it. Maybe innocence, maybe naivete, maybe the thought of having my whole life in front of me with nothing stopping me. I don't know. I know there is a difference though. I can see it in my eyes, in how I smile.

It's sad how much cancer can take from a person, but enlightening at how much you "get" from it too. But what am I going to do with what I have gotten, with what I have learned? How far can I take it? How do I even begin? I know that there is something that I am supposed to be doing, but I am having a hard time figuring it out on my own. I have little thoughts here and there on what I should be doing, but it's like I need a jumpstart of some sort.

Maybe with my last treatment on Tuesday, after 2 years, something will click. Or explode. I haven't decided yet which way it will go. Until I figure it out though, I kind of feel like I am just wandering around, not really accomplishing anything of value. I need to find an outlet, I think. Something to get me going. What do you think?