Floating in La La Land

I have had a hard time getting motivated to write lately. I know a lot of it has to do with being done with treatment, so I guess I will focus on my feelings about that topic.

So here I am in La La land, wondering what to do with myself. The first week after being done with treatment I found myself finding things that were for sure the cancer returning. Somewhere in my little brain the thought of "what if Herceptin was just holding it at bay this past year" began swimming around. The idea that there is cancer still there, but Herceptin kept it under control, has passed through my thoughts more than once. I would love to pull a little lever and turn those thoughts off, but as I gobble Tylenol for a headache (it's gotta be cancer), as I take a breath and feel a pang in my lung (it's gotta be cancer), as I look a little spot on my leg and pick at it a little bit (it's gotta be cancer), I can't control these thoughts and fears.

In fact, I have never felt so out of control since being diagnosed. At least then there was a plan of attack. At least then there was the outpouring of support at every corner we turned. At least then we didn't have to worry about our finances, we were pretty stable. Now, well, I can't say the same thing. Everything in my world is upside down. I am trying to get used to my new body, but find myself hating it more and more, not only for the fact that it just isn't me anymore, but for what it represents. I am tired of the aches and pains that cancer has brought to me, totally aware that it will only get worse as I get older.

Claire saw my hip to hip scar from reconstruction today and asked me what happened. How do I explain to a 3 year old what my body has gone through? I stumbled along, and really don't think that I answered her, which isn't fair, but I didn't know what to say. Nadia sees my hip incision that is still healing from my last adventure, and says,

"Mommy.....ohhhhhhh"

It breaks my heart, but I know the really tough part is to come. I have been toying with the idea of quitting the study I am in. One is for financial reasons, but also I don't know who the real new me is yet, and I don't think I will until the study is done, or until I quit it. I know all of the stories about menopause and how it effects women, so I can't tell those emotions apart from my real emotions. I hope that the emotions and feelings I am having now is not the real new me, and is the menopause. I have had some pretty dumb thoughts floating around in my head lately, so dumb that I couldn't even write about them if I wanted to, so I didn't.

I think I need to find something that makes me happy. Something that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning, instead of snoozing for an hour. Something that makes me smile, and proud, and honored to be a part of. Something worth doing.......something......