The World According To....

I have spent that last two years being extremely selfish. It wasn't until tonight that the reality of cancer struck me. I have gone on and on, complaining that I have to live with the fear of recurrence for the rest of my life, which is true. That is something that I have to deal with, and somehow learn to accept. What I haven't thought about though, is Dion also pays the price of my cancer.

He watched me lose body parts, he watched as I struggled to not throw up after treatment, he watched as my hair fell out in chunks, he watched as my chest bled from the radiation treatments and made the hour long drive to pick up medicine pads that only Mayo had. He did that for me. He did that for my pain. He has held my hand through each check up visit and has visibly reacted when the doctor has said, "Everything looks great!". He sat and waited the 6 and a half hours for me while I got body parts replaced. I could go on and on telling you all of the things that Dion has done for me and my cancer, and I think I have talked about them before. What I haven't talked about though is I am not the only one that cancer will effect forever. Dion, too, has to live with the fear of my recurrence. He also has to wake up each day, worrying, wondering if today is another safe day for us. I am sure that a lot of his emotions are still raw, hovering just below the surface, how do you forget some of the things that we went through? How do you forget the rollercoaster from hell? How do you forget being told that your wife will die from this disease, only to be told a few weeks later, that, no, it hasn't come back, there had been a mistake. How do you recover from all of that? I don't want to know what it is like to watch my spouse suffer, fight for his life, battle, battle, battle. I do not envy him, I am amazed by him.

For these two years I have been spending my time fighting for life. I haven't had a lot of down time, I haven't had a lot of thinking time (although that is mostly on purpose), but worst of all, I have not given Dion the respect he deserves, the acknowledging of his fears for me. I haven't taken the time to think about someone else but myself, think about all of the others involved, my parents fear of losing a child, my siblings fear of losing a sister, my nieces and nephews fear of losing an aunt, my uncles fear of losing his niece, all of these people I have swept under the rug because I was so worried about how I was going to survive.

Cancer does many things to a person, some good, some bad. But it never crossed my mind, until now, that cancer has made me selfish. Cancer has made me forget that there are others around me, suffering for me, because of me. I always had a feeling of guilt because I was the root of people's sorrow, I don't think that will ever change. But now, I can see past myself, and see that those around me are trying to make it each day too. They are fighting for my life. They are fighting so that I can live. They are fighting when I am too weak to do it myself.