A Smidgin

It is almost 9:30pm on Sunday night, and I have the energy of a sloth, hence the title A Smidgin. That is the amount I will be able to write tonight folks, with the hopes of continuing in the very near future. I mentioned in previous posts that I was spending some time in the Dells for a Breast Cancer Recovery Foundation retreat. And that is exactly what I did.

There were seven of us and four staff members, located in a log home, on a lake, secluded, and ready to rumble. Well, not really rumble, but take the plunge into feelings that we had not been able to share with others, since they really had no idea what we were talking about. It is hard to explain to someone who has not looked death in the eye, what that demon looks like. It is hard to admit to feelings that you have, when you know the general population would look at you and suggest you get some professional help. It is hard to release some of the built up anger, sorrow, frustrations, self-pity, and doubt to others without them telling you to be positive, be positive. Be positive? I am. I am positive that I am pissed, sad, scared, and worried. But that is another story.

Anyway, I sat with these other women, never having to justify what I was feeling or why, not having to be embarrassed for the HUGE amounts of tears that fell from my eyes, being able to compare "new" body parts without feeling odd, just being. I said at one point to the group that it was so nice to feel normal. I was with a group of people just like me fighting the same demon, maybe in a different way, but in the end we were one. And it was exhausting. My eyes were swollen most of the retreat, I was emotionally drained, and yet, I finally felt like the missing piece of my puzzle was found and put into place. I laughed as hard as I cried, and I would not trade this experience for anything. I met some amazing people who will forever be in my heart. You cannot go through what we went through and not be tied somehow forever.

I drove home today, and as I was leaving the retreat center, my heart felt so light. I cried freely as I listened to the songs that were ours for the weekend, I felt like I was hovering home. Floating, really at peace. But the closer I got to home, the more reality set in. Knowing I had to go to work tomorrow, knowing that the girls and Dion need me, knowing that I am back in an environment where I am alone and no one understands. I went from feeling my heart smiling, to it becoming heavy again. I am hoping like hell that the contact I keep with these other young women will bring the smile back into my heart. But what I hope even more is that someday I can reach inside of myself, and be the one to make my heart smile. Someday. It will happen. That is what gets me through.

I know I said I would call people when I got home on Sunday, but I am hoping they understand that I just didn't have the energy to talk to anyone tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.....