Wednesday, April 26, 2006

There I Go Thinking Again

Ugh. My brain just won't stop tonight. I think partly because I am the only one up , and although Raymond is on TV right now, it seems to be more of a background noise for me than anything.

I check up on the online support group to see how everyone is doing, and as of late there have been a lot of posting about a woman named Lisa. Like her husband said on their website, she has one foot planted on earth, the other is floating in heaven. Her time here is very limited. She is leaving behind two small kids, a loving husband, and a great support network of friends and family. We all know that no one said that life is fair, but that is so hard to accept. Cancer is creeping up all over the place, and if it's not cancer, it's the fear of it. Does she have it? Will he survive? What the hell?!?

It's been over two years. Two years. I can hardly believe it. There are days that I feel the world stopped moving for these two years. There are days that I am still pregnant with Nadia, waiting for her birth, waiting to have our family grow. Obviously cancer did not stop these things from happening, but it sure has put a spin on things. I often wonder what kind of parent would I be if I hadn't had cancer. Would I have more patience? Would I be less robotic when it came to some things? Would I know my kids better? So much time has been taken away from them, and it's so unfair. There were so many moments in the past 2 years that I was just too tired, too sad, too wrapped up in myself to focus on my kids. What kind of damage has been done because of this? I will never know. A newborn does not understand in the middle of the night when an adult feels like they are going to vomit. All they understand is that they are hungry. A two year old cannot grasp the pain involved with having all of these scars, and how much it hurts to get a foot in the belly or a hit on the chest. They cannot understand that there are days that I look at them and just want to cry because I know that someday I will have to explain all of this to them. How do you do that?

I remember when I was almost done with radiation, and my burn was at it's worst. I was blistering, I was bleeding, and if anything touched my skin, it felt like fire. Dion had gone to the store and gotten aid for sunburn. I picked out an aloe product, thinking, hey, aloe. What's better than that on a burn? I dabbed it on, and immediately starting crying. After turning the bottle over, and seeing that there was alcohol in it, I about fell over. Alcohol is not good for open wounds. Claire was a a little over 2 years old at that point. As I frantically tried to get the aloe off without doing more damage and causing more pain, I wil never forget Claire's reaction.

"Mommy's crying now?"

That's all she said. I sat on the couch and just bawled, not only from the physical pain, but the emotional pain. That was Claire's first understanding of my pain, but certainly not her last. My poor poor Claire. And Nadia. I do not want to be the cause of their worries, their greatest fears. The other night Claire said she was afraid of the monsters in her room. I told her that I would never let any monster scare her. That I was there for her. I hope cancer doesn't make me a liar to my kids.

I will admit that there is a part of me that is kind of nervous about this Friday. I know I can handle the pain, I know I can handle the blood and junk that goes with surgery. I don't know if I can handle being "done". There's nothing else to do. Nothing else to fix. I have 2 more weeks of treatment. That will be the final stage. That will be when the fun really starts. That will be when my world starts turning again. Am I ready for that? I have no clue. What I do know though, is I don't have a choice. Ready or not, it's going to happen. So the next question is what do I do so that I can live my life in the most productive way possible? Does it mean that I go out of my comfort zone? Maybe. Does it mean that I change things in my life? Probably. I have a lot to sort out, and even more to figure out. Some day my puzzle will be complete.

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