I Am On My Way

It is Happy Friday for most people out there, but for me it is, Happy I Have A Kid With The Flu Friday. All in all it has gone pretty well today. Claire threw up right before I picked her up from day care, and then again at 9:30 last night. The last one was a doozy, since she ended up bursting a blood vessel in her eye, which I found out from my mom that I used to do the very same thing. Genetics. They are so interesting. Or maybe it is just by chance. I don't know if there is a Burst Vessel in the Eye gene out there.

Anyway, Claire has been on the couch most of the day, and has gotten a tiny bit of food and liquid into herself. Her poor little eyes just look like she isn't feeling well. It's never fun to have a sick kid, and I am hoping that it doesn't get to the rest of us. I have dealt with the flu three times this fabulous season, so I think it really should leave me, and the rest of my family, alone.

Yesterday I had my follow up appointment with my plastic surgeon. I was actually supposed to go in 6 months ago, but, well....anyway, it was a nice visit and we talked about the final outcome of my new chest and tummy. I guess at the time I didn't realize that with all of my factors (delayed reconstruction, bi-lateral TRAM, and radiation) that the outcome might not have been as good as it has been. I told him that I have never looked at my chest and thought, "Why did I do this?". I have always been pretty happy with how they turned out, minus one area which he said is very east to fix. At the time I was asked about nipple reconstruction, and at the time, I thought, nope. I am done with procedures, they don't matter anyway, I don't have any feeling on my boobs, so why bother? I got an answer recently, well, within the last few months. And the answer came from my little girl Claire.

I often undress and dress in front of the girls, but it wasn't until recently that I saw the look on Claire's face. I could tell that as she looked at my chest, she knew that something was not right. I could see it in her eyes. I know that I will never look perfect again, but the look on her face just made me sad. I think this whole cancer experience is going to be a hard one to explain to the girls as it is, but for me to look so different, in a world where every thing is about looks....I don't know. For me, I guess it was never an issue, until I saw how Claire looked at me. Funny how the look of a 3 year old would effect me that much. Is that vain? I have no idea. I just know that I want things to be as easy for these girls as possible, and part of that is for me to look somewhat normal. Plus at the retreat we shared our boobs with each other and I saw what I wanted. So I asked my surgeon about it, and here's what will be happening next Friday.

I am getting me some headlights fashioned! Two brand new nipples fo me! He will be taking skin grafts from my hips and making both the areola and the nipple from those pieces. Rock on! The funny guy tried to talk me into having it done in his office....I about fell over when he said that to me. Then we had the following conversation.

"You know, you would probably have more discomfort having a cavity filled than having this done."

I laughed and replied, "Funny you should say that since I have to be sedated for dental work too."

No way, no how, would I like to partake in this procedure in any kind of conscience what so ever. He said some woman watch. Watch?!? Why the hell would they do such a thing? Why would you want to watch them cut away patches of your skin and sew them back into a different location? Why?!? Who?!? Who are these crazy women? Not me, by God. I want the good stuff. I want to feel like I just stepped out of a bar not thinking about what is about to happen, talking with the nurses and doctors like we had been friends for years and we were just going to hang out together for a bit, and in the end, voila! I have nipples! I did tell my talented doctor that I did not want high beams at all times. Nothing too big and gross, and he said that he has never had a patient complain that her nipples were too big. Phew! That was good news. As I sit an re-read what I have written, I feel my leg bouncing away under the desk. You see, there still is a little bit of fear with the completion of my body.

I cannot control the superstitions that float around me with this cancer. There's my lucky underwear, there are certain dates that I won't schedule appointments for, the whole issue of taking the port out, and now this. The fear of finally getting to point where I am "done", and something else happening. Something to where I have to have my flaps (that's what the new boobs are called, I'm still not sure why they don't just call them boobs) removed, and that would really just suck. But, I am going to try not to think that way, and just enjoy what I have.

So that's that. I am on my way to being as complete as I can be, and really that's all I can ask for. That, and winning a lot of money. I could probably ask for that too. But for now, we'll just star with nipples and call it a day.