Wednesday, June 21, 2006

No Zip-a-dee-do-dah

Yawn. YAAAWWWNNNN! I am tired. I have been beat into the ground and all that is left of me is a little pink smudge. The last few days have taken quite a toll on me. I have a hard time keeping my eyes open at times, and an even harder time getting up when my alarm goes off. It is normal for me to snooze for an hour or so.

I have learned of two more breast cancer diagnosis in town in the past few weeks. I have met with one of them, and talked to the sister of the other one. It sucks. I only hope that I can be of some kind of help or inspiration to these people. If nothing else, they have my prayers. But, on a lighter note, I was able to hang out with one of the people I met on my breast cancer retreat when Dion had his surgery. She works the late shift so we were able to chat for a bit. That was nice, and she cracks me up so it lightened the mood too.

For some reason the laundry room has become my cancer shrine. I have pink bears, a shadow box of angels I was given, an 8 x 10 black and white of Nadia and I with our bald headed glory, signs of encouragement, plaques from the cancer walk, and most recently, an area devoted to those in my life who have been taken by cancer. I have an angel for my grandma, an angel for my co-workers daughter, and a butterfly for one of my on-line support sisters who died a few months ago. My plan is to devote an angel (or butterfly) in honor of those who have gone before me. I'm not sure if this a morbid thing to do or not, but I see it as a remembrance. I guess for the same reason that I have obituaries on my fridge of two friends that I have lost this past year.

I am having issues with the Mayo study that I volunteered to participate in. I don't think I want to do it anymore. I talked to Dion a little bit about it tonight, to try and sort out my feelings about it, but I am not sure if I have come up with an answer. I tried to explain to him the curse of being in menopause. The fact that I don't really feel that I know who I am right now. Is it me, or the pause, or depression or all of the above? I know that there are moments in the day where I have such anger for really no reason at all. I know that I am unhappy with how I look, with what I am thinking, with what I am doing (which is nothing). I am lacking in any type of passion over something, there's nothing that makes me jump for joy. I spend so much time breaking up fights with the girls and trying to teaching them right from wrong that I feel like I am missing all the fun stuff. A lot of the time I feel like just a crappy parent who has no control over her kids, and I have no idea what I am doing. Just going blindly into the night. Is this normal? I have no clue.

It was pointed out to me that when referring to cancer, I say it in the present tense. I wonder if that will ever change, especially since I had no idea that I was saying it that way. We could go a step further, if you dare, and say maybe my mind knows something about my body that I don't know yet. Kind of like the body cast I did when I was pregnant with Claire. Crap. I hate all of the unknown. I bet a lot of us cancer folks have been like this all of our lives, you know, wanting things to be lined up nice and neat for us. No surprises, no diversions, knowing exactly what is going to happen next and how it is going to happen. Don't get me wrong, I embrace change, I think if used right, it has the possibility to make us better people. I draw the line at the uncertainty of cancer. You could play devil's advocate I suppose and say none of us know when we are going to go or how it's going to happen, but having cancer...sorry, having HAD cancer, it seems like it's just one more odd that is stacked against me.

I miss the days where my only fear was having enough beer stocked in the fridge for the party that my room mate and I were going to host, and if the screen door was going to be broken again, or leaving the oven on for days at a time, or the really important issue of who was going to make the Mac and Cheese that night. Of course, I guess you could say that I am still dealing with the Mac and Cheese issue to this day, but the question now is, are the kids going to eat it?

No comments: