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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Another Day in the Life of Me

I kind of feel like I am moving through jello today, but at the same time the day has flown by. Go figure that conundrum out because I certainly can not. I was pleasantly surprised when I was joined in bed this morning by Claire at 7am, instead of 5am the morning before. I was even more pleasantly surprised that Nadia slept until 8am, instead of also the 5am wake-up call yesterday. However, I was not pleasantly surprised when I slipped down the stairs and bruised my left elbow. Wonderful. A foreshadow? Maybe.

The girls were very up and down today. Either they loved each other, or they were scratching each other. And as it turns out, Claire seems to be the drama queen with all the wailing and crying and dramatic poses. But I guess we already knew that. She needs the spotlight, and I hope that I can steer her in a direction that shows off that talent. Nadia, on the other hand, tends to fly under the radar, knowing just what buttons to push and when to push them. She is in a phase where she gets something (really, anything) from the pantry and bites into it, packaging and all. Ramen noodles? Yep, she crunched on that. Granola bars, wrapper included. She gets into the fridge and takes little bites out of wrapped cheese, with of course, the wrapping still on. I think she is part mouse. At least that is what it looks like when she gets done with whatever she is munching on.

Thursday I am supposed to get my port out. Supposed to. I have become dependant of my little port (no pun intended) and see it as sort of my little life line. My mini-life support, if you will. I don't think I am ready to give it up, whether or not it is broken, and how dumb is that? Why would I want a broken instrument in me? Because, to me, this is the only real choice I have been able to make. You could argue that everything I have done has been a choice, but has it really? It never really was an option for me to do treatment. I was GIVEN the option, but to not do treatment meant death. So is there a choice? And how about reconstruction? All you have to do is take a look around you. Look at the magazines in the store, the movies, the TV shows, the models.....do you notice anything? They all are stacked. So yes, I did have the option of recon, but what about society and the statement that is made each day on the importance of female beauty, the importance of being complete, the importance of how we look. Not really an option for me to walk around with nothing. For ME. Others probably are ok with it, but getting breast cancer at 29, I didn't see it as having many options.

What it seems to be for me is a lot of the "choices" I have had to make, have been made to keep me alive. The port has not been the case. The choice to keep the port was based simply on mind over matter. Fooling my cancer into thinking it should never come back, it can never come back. Or maybe I am just fooling myself into believing. There are days when I think to myself, well, if it's going to come back, it's going to come back. Just deal with it. There are other days that I want/need to find a crystal ball. I need to know. I don't know how I will live the rest of my life waiting. But by doing that, the cancer really does win. And I know this with all of my heart, it's just the parts of my brain that need to catch up with my heart. They're trying, but like me today, it's like running through jello.

I just came down stairs from putting Nadia to bed. I will say that there are moments where cancer has not invaded my life. Sweet sweet moments such as reading to Nadia and saying our prayers. And I am sure that there are moments for Dion that are the same, such as right now. He has Claire at our cities baseball team game, eating popcorn, drinking some type of orange drink that she had last time. I am sure that cancer is not anywhere near his mind. I just wish that all of our moments could be like these, I just wish I could have my life back. Or do I?

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