Friday, February 23, 2007

Not So Fast

My oncologist called this morning to tell me that he strongly encouraged me to wait to have my ovaries out. I was slightly confused because when I first talked with him, it was a go, he was for it. The change in his thought process is basically the things I talked about before. The medical concerns of going into menopause permanently at my age.

The only way I can describe how I feel is this. I am pissed, I am sad, I am frustrated, I have a headache. I told Dion about the new information and he said "Sorry." At that point I got a little angry and said something like,

"Sorry? Sorry?!? You do not understand all of this at all!"

I was a little hot under the hat to poor Dion, but everything was still pretty fresh. You see, for me, it isn't all about menopause or cancer, a large part of it is the whole baby thing. With having them removed, I am able to control the situation, and just be done with it. I had a plan, damn it. One of my friends pointed out that I am already having them shut down, and if I have decided to not have more kids, then what's the problem, the decision is made?

The problem is not only the agony I went through making the decision that I will not bring anymore kids into this world, but the thought of starting my cycles again after the study is done, a monthly reminder of what will never be, sucks. Is it so wrong for me to want to make a choice and stay with it? Why when I have everything figured out does crap like this happen? I had finally had some peace with my decision and now I am thrown back to square one and I am not happy about it, in case you couldn't tell.

I feel like I am writing in circles and not making much sense, mostly from my anger and self-pity. But I guess the sum of everything is that I have been advised to not have my ovaries out. I am so wanting to just end all of this cancer crap stuff. No more study, no more Tamoxifen pills, just the six month check ups and just be done with everything. Oh, but wait, I only have 2 and a half more years of the pills and the study, so what's the big deal? What's 2 and a half more years? It's wonderful to be stuck in the cancer jail for another 2 and a half years, I just hope I don't see you on the inside.

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