Sigh. Which is actually what I just did. This post is going to be somewhat difficult to write, to organize my thoughts and emotions, but I will do my best.
I have set up an appointment to have my ovaries removed. On the surface it sounds simple enough, not really a big deal as far as procedures go, but I am having somewhat of a difficult time with the thought of it. I was offered this option about two and a half years ago, but at the time, I wasn't ready to even think about it. That would mean no more natural kids, and I wasn't ready for that thought. Not that I am now, but I have been thinking about this for a while, and to be honest, it's not any easier now, then it was before. The thought of never feeling a baby kick, never hearing the heartbeat for the first time, never hearing the doctor say boy or girl, never bringing another new life into this world, is almost too much. All these are difficult for me to comprehend. Every once in a while, there's a little wiggle in my stomach, which I am sure is just gas making it's way through, but I always say a little thanks because of how similar it feels as when my girls would kick inside of me.
I know that there are people out there who would say that I should just be happy with what I have. And I am happy with the girls, but that doesn't make the loss of not having more kids any easier. Like one of my friends said, "If your dad died and someone said that you should be happy that you still had your mom, would you feel that way?" And no, I wouldn't. And no, I don't for this either.
There's a lot of guilt that rides with me for the girls, with the fear that I have passed on this dreadful disease. Please don't tell me not to feel that way, there's no controlling it. My tumors grew faster with estrogen in my body, hence the reason why it is better if I don't have it in my system. But, the thought that if I had more kids and passed it to them too, is a hard feeling to live with. I have done a lot of research on having children after breast cancer, and I have talked to many people. And don't get me wrong, there are a lot of women who go on to have kids and both are fine. But I don't feel that it is right for me. To me, I feel selfish, even thinking of wanting to have kids, no matter if I pass on cancer to them. Who is that fair to? Touchy subject, huh?
So, I have decided that I can't bring any more kids into the world with the possibility that I have to watch them go through cancer too. It is hard enough thinking that Claire and Nadia, and their kids, and their kids and their kids will now have to be extra cautious and diligent with their health care. And yes, we all know that research is being done and maybe a cure can be found. I can't base my decision on a "maybe". I just can't.
So on the 7th of next month I will be going in for the removal, and it will be an out-patient procedure so I will be home that day. It will be done laproscopically, so recovery should be fairly easy.
I guess the big hairy question now is how will I feel when it's all done? Will I be happy with my choice? Will I regret it? Who knows...but for now I have to make the choice that I feel is right for me. Dion and I have looked into the adoption avenue and that may or may not be the route we take. Time will tell. For now, I will just say,
Au revoir Ovaries! It's been fun.