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Friday, February 09, 2007

Au Revoir Ovaries!

Sigh. Which is actually what I just did. This post is going to be somewhat difficult to write, to organize my thoughts and emotions, but I will do my best.

I have set up an appointment to have my ovaries removed. On the surface it sounds simple enough, not really a big deal as far as procedures go, but I am having somewhat of a difficult time with the thought of it. I was offered this option about two and a half years ago, but at the time, I wasn't ready to even think about it. That would mean no more natural kids, and I wasn't ready for that thought. Not that I am now, but I have been thinking about this for a while, and to be honest, it's not any easier now, then it was before. The thought of never feeling a baby kick, never hearing the heartbeat for the first time, never hearing the doctor say boy or girl, never bringing another new life into this world, is almost too much. All these are difficult for me to comprehend. Every once in a while, there's a little wiggle in my stomach, which I am sure is just gas making it's way through, but I always say a little thanks because of how similar it feels as when my girls would kick inside of me.

I know that there are people out there who would say that I should just be happy with what I have. And I am happy with the girls, but that doesn't make the loss of not having more kids any easier. Like one of my friends said, "If your dad died and someone said that you should be happy that you still had your mom, would you feel that way?" And no, I wouldn't. And no, I don't for this either.

There's a lot of guilt that rides with me for the girls, with the fear that I have passed on this dreadful disease. Please don't tell me not to feel that way, there's no controlling it. My tumors grew faster with estrogen in my body, hence the reason why it is better if I don't have it in my system. But, the thought that if I had more kids and passed it to them too, is a hard feeling to live with. I have done a lot of research on having children after breast cancer, and I have talked to many people. And don't get me wrong, there are a lot of women who go on to have kids and both are fine. But I don't feel that it is right for me. To me, I feel selfish, even thinking of wanting to have kids, no matter if I pass on cancer to them. Who is that fair to? Touchy subject, huh?

So, I have decided that I can't bring any more kids into the world with the possibility that I have to watch them go through cancer too. It is hard enough thinking that Claire and Nadia, and their kids, and their kids and their kids will now have to be extra cautious and diligent with their health care. And yes, we all know that research is being done and maybe a cure can be found. I can't base my decision on a "maybe". I just can't.

So on the 7th of next month I will be going in for the removal, and it will be an out-patient procedure so I will be home that day. It will be done laproscopically, so recovery should be fairly easy.

I guess the big hairy question now is how will I feel when it's all done? Will I be happy with my choice? Will I regret it? Who knows...but for now I have to make the choice that I feel is right for me. Dion and I have looked into the adoption avenue and that may or may not be the route we take. Time will tell. For now, I will just say,

Au revoir Ovaries! It's been fun.

2 comments:

Shari said...

That is a hard decision. You do have to think about your health, too. I know it doesn't help to say that you still have two beauiful girls to raise.

You don't know what's the right thing to do. We all face that with some issue or other.

My husband and I were going to try for one more (a boy) but he was pushing 40, so he decided he didn't want to be in his sixties or late fifties when the kid graduated. I have moments when I see a baby and think, oooohhhh. But sanity does return when the girls are fighting. LOL. And stress affects the body in so many ways, and I believe that the stress of pregnancy acclerates any condition. I want to see for as long as possible-I believe that pregnancy would acclerate my vision loss so I am happy with my decision. I will oooh and aahh over babies, but that's it. But it's never an easy decision to make.

Amalia said...

If you have your ovaries out, does that mean you're not in the chemically -induced menopause trial any more? What does it mean for your chances of a relapse?

~Amalia~

PS You are a brave, hip, cool, funny, and spectacular woman to do this. I think (and I may be wrong) that agonizing over whether or not to do this will be much worse than life with it done. Does that make sense?

drcrwjc - A name of one of those foreign-born specialist doctors