Trying to Pull All of My Thoughts Together

I have been uber busy this last week or so, subbing at work, open house for work, meeting with parents for work, and of course trying to get the house in order to sell. We have a pretty blue dumpster in our driveway, ready to haul away all of the junk that has been following us around for years. I didn't think we would fill it, but alas, it is filled to the brim.

So, here I sit, thinking that it is about time to confront my ovary removal feelings, since it is scheduled to happen in 5 days. You would have thought that I had gone over all of these thoughts in the last, oh, year or so, but I never cease to amaze myself. I had them at the surface, then was able to tuck them away for some time, then I made a decision and was finally ok with it, then that was put on hold, then I was told yes do it, so here I am. Trying to sort through my feelings, trying to not notice little babies, trying not to be too sad when I hear of another newly pregnant person. In no way, shape, or form do I want to take away the miracle of pregnancy to those around me (4 people) and I am not mad at them, or even really jealous, just sad for my loss. It was kind of like when I had a miscarriage, oddly enough, but I guess they are kind of the same loss, if you look at it sideways or something.

I look at the girls, and I am so happy to be lucky enough to have them. But it was always so neat to think about what traits the new baby would have. Would he/she be blond, have long arms like their daddy, or a short body like their mommy? You know, all the normal things that run through your brain when you are expecting.

Then I watched Idol on Wednesday night. If you missed it, they were doing this ginormous money raising event for Aids, starving kids, and for people in the US who have next to nothing. I looked at the babies in Africa who have been orphaned by their parents dying of Aids, and my heart ached for them. That option is out there, if in the future we desire to adopt, and that makes next Wednesday a little bit easier.