So Dion got me a Canon Rebel XS for Christmas, and I LOVE IT!! I have started up another blog that will consist mostly of photos......
I have gotten some pictures put onto a disk, so now I can upload them to my blog(s). Enjoy!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Grrrrrrr!
I can't figure out how to get my pictures from my new camera onto the computer! The camera came with some disks, but alas, I can't figure them out!
On the same note, I am trying to find a place where I can get inexpensive photography supplies. If you know of any (besides eBay, which I am constantly looking at), let me know. I am looking for lights and backdrops, mostly.
I haven't been working my second job with disabled adults because classes won't start up again for them until February. I miss it. Which is good. It's something to look forward to.
I got my hair cut. Now there's some exciting news.
I have been going to my mom's doctor appointments with her for her hernia that has grown into what looks like my mom is carrying a baby....off to the side. Next week we are going to meet again with Beth (the surgeon) to get any questions we may have answered and talk more about the upcoming surgery, which is going to be massive. I believe all three surgeons are going to work on her, trying to get her intestines back where they belong. There are a lot of risks to this surgery, mostly due to the fact that she still has open wounds from her last surgery 2 years ago. When she had her bowel resection, she developed a wound infection. Soon after a hernia (the one mentioned above) formed and because it just gets bigger and bigger, it keeps tearing open her skin on her abdomen. Hence her open wounds. She is in a lot of pain, more often than not. All of this got put on hold when my dad was diagnosed a year ago, and now here we are with a lot to think over. If everything were to go perfectly for the surgery, she would be in the hospital 5-7 days. If there are complications, obviously it could be longer. Beth warned that it may well even be months. There is a very high risk of infection, which makes the risk of death higher too. But, the way she is living day to day now, just is not a good quality of life. Enough on that. I will tell more after the next appointment.
Dion and I are going out to eat with Mr & Mrs. Smitten Kitten tomorrow night. Yay for going out to eat with adults and not eating at McDonald's! No offense, Ronald, but one can only stand so much of that food, not to mention the sometimes crappy toys they hand out which I normally just end up stepping on and cursing anyway.
Ok, I am signing out for now.
On the same note, I am trying to find a place where I can get inexpensive photography supplies. If you know of any (besides eBay, which I am constantly looking at), let me know. I am looking for lights and backdrops, mostly.
I haven't been working my second job with disabled adults because classes won't start up again for them until February. I miss it. Which is good. It's something to look forward to.
I got my hair cut. Now there's some exciting news.
I have been going to my mom's doctor appointments with her for her hernia that has grown into what looks like my mom is carrying a baby....off to the side. Next week we are going to meet again with Beth (the surgeon) to get any questions we may have answered and talk more about the upcoming surgery, which is going to be massive. I believe all three surgeons are going to work on her, trying to get her intestines back where they belong. There are a lot of risks to this surgery, mostly due to the fact that she still has open wounds from her last surgery 2 years ago. When she had her bowel resection, she developed a wound infection. Soon after a hernia (the one mentioned above) formed and because it just gets bigger and bigger, it keeps tearing open her skin on her abdomen. Hence her open wounds. She is in a lot of pain, more often than not. All of this got put on hold when my dad was diagnosed a year ago, and now here we are with a lot to think over. If everything were to go perfectly for the surgery, she would be in the hospital 5-7 days. If there are complications, obviously it could be longer. Beth warned that it may well even be months. There is a very high risk of infection, which makes the risk of death higher too. But, the way she is living day to day now, just is not a good quality of life. Enough on that. I will tell more after the next appointment.
Dion and I are going out to eat with Mr & Mrs. Smitten Kitten tomorrow night. Yay for going out to eat with adults and not eating at McDonald's! No offense, Ronald, but one can only stand so much of that food, not to mention the sometimes crappy toys they hand out which I normally just end up stepping on and cursing anyway.
Ok, I am signing out for now.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Happy New Year
2009. Wow. Sometimes there are things that trigger memories, and it really feels like that event happened just months ago. Until I realize that 6 years have passed. Or 10 years. Or even 15. We are always told have fast time goes by, and for some reason, we never really believe it. That is, until we look back and see that in fact, it really does.
There are so many memory triggers that take me back to different times. The other night I went out with some friends to a bar (that in itself can trigger memories). And living in a small town, I have learned that around every corner there is someone I know. And who do I see at the bar, but my ob nurse when Nadia was born with her husband, daughter, and who I assume to be her daughter's boyfriend/husband. I walked over to where she was and grabbed her arm. We hugged and I was thrown back into the memories of when Nadia was born, and everything else that surrounded it. We laughed about how it had been almost 5 years since she helped me through my labor. 5 years. She was meant to be my nurse that night. At one point in her career she worked in oncology. I had been diagnosed with breast cancer the day before I met her. She gave me tips for surviving through chemo. For those few days, she made everything alright. After she found out Nadia's name, she came back into my room with a baby name book in her hand, yelling, "Nadia's name means HOPE!" What a ray of sunshine on my turned upside down world.
When she left the bar that night, she came over to me and said that she was so happy that I was almost to the 5 year mark, and that she would never forget me. I will go to my grave forever grateful to her for all she did for me those few days, and I will never forget her either.
I got my hair cut the other day, and I was talking to the stylist about all of my radical hair changes. My mind went back to a picture I have somewhere of me sitting on the floor with our dog. My hair was bone straight and went down to probably about my naval. I can't imagine having hair that long now. Not because I wouldn't want it, but because, well actually, I don't know why. Weird.
Amalia asked me to post on how I am doing. To be honest, I really don't know. There are days that I just want to be alone, which is hardly ever possible. There are days that are fine. There are times, like last night at our neighbor's house, where I am just living in the moment and having a good time. I have no clue what I am supposed to be doing, or feeling for that matter. I do feel like I am at a standstill. Kind of stuck on Tuesday, when all you want is for it to be Wednesday, hump day. Like I have gotten through some emotions, but can't get moving on others. Blah blah blah. I seem to be going in circles.
January marks the year anniversary of when my dad was diagnosed. A year. I don't know how last year slipped through my fingers so fast. I go back through my memories of the talks that my dad and I had, and how special they are to me now (well, then too). I can look back at doing what I could to help my parents, and I am satisfied. I have no regrets, but of course not having more time. I still had to work and keep up with my family at home, but I know that I did what I could. There are of course so not-so-fond memories....(STOP READING NOW IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW OF ANY DETAILS OF WHAT CANCER DID TO MY DAD!!!!)the bruises and cuts from when he was too stubborn to let people help him and he fell, picking him up and getting him into the hospital bed, the bleeding mouth sores, his pain, seeing his watch go from fitting his wrist to being able to slide down his arm, his skin becoming a different shade, his legs and feet swelling to the point of being shinny and just out of proportion to the rest of him. His hair got greyer as time passed, and had thinned when he did chemo. His belly got huge, but then started to go down, and down, and down. You could count all of his ribs, and his clavicle stuck out like someone from a concentration camp. I watched his cheeks sink in, turning him into someone that I would not have recognized.
When going to Mayo he would have to sit in the back with the seats reclined to take the pressure off of his bloated belly. The last time I held his hand was after he died. The time before that was after his last appointment at Mayo, in the parking ramp. What a horrible day that was. The cancer had returned, there was nothing left to do. I remember starting to tear up in the doctor's office. Then the tears wouldn't stop. The doctor said we could stay back in the room as long as we needed to, but I knew that my reaction was not going to change. I pushed my dad's wheelchair, tears streaming down my face. Of course, when you come out of the back into the waiting room of the oncology department crying, everyone knows. We went over to the elevators and while I was standing behind my dad, I could see his lip quivering. My dad. My powerful, strong dad was facing something he could not win. And there was nothing we could do to change it. I held his hand in the parking lot as we walked to the car. It was so warm and soft. His hand were always soft. After getting home, I just drove around town for over an hour. Getting no where fast.
Some of the things I wrote are things I haven't talked to anyone about before. Just memories buried in my mind, not really wanting to surface. I watched my dad die a slow and painful death. But now, there are times when I feel him around me. And when I have those feelings, he is not the sick man I last saw, he is the captain of his boat, smiling with both his mouth and eyes.
And that, is what gets me through.
There are so many memory triggers that take me back to different times. The other night I went out with some friends to a bar (that in itself can trigger memories). And living in a small town, I have learned that around every corner there is someone I know. And who do I see at the bar, but my ob nurse when Nadia was born with her husband, daughter, and who I assume to be her daughter's boyfriend/husband. I walked over to where she was and grabbed her arm. We hugged and I was thrown back into the memories of when Nadia was born, and everything else that surrounded it. We laughed about how it had been almost 5 years since she helped me through my labor. 5 years. She was meant to be my nurse that night. At one point in her career she worked in oncology. I had been diagnosed with breast cancer the day before I met her. She gave me tips for surviving through chemo. For those few days, she made everything alright. After she found out Nadia's name, she came back into my room with a baby name book in her hand, yelling, "Nadia's name means HOPE!" What a ray of sunshine on my turned upside down world.
When she left the bar that night, she came over to me and said that she was so happy that I was almost to the 5 year mark, and that she would never forget me. I will go to my grave forever grateful to her for all she did for me those few days, and I will never forget her either.
I got my hair cut the other day, and I was talking to the stylist about all of my radical hair changes. My mind went back to a picture I have somewhere of me sitting on the floor with our dog. My hair was bone straight and went down to probably about my naval. I can't imagine having hair that long now. Not because I wouldn't want it, but because, well actually, I don't know why. Weird.
Amalia asked me to post on how I am doing. To be honest, I really don't know. There are days that I just want to be alone, which is hardly ever possible. There are days that are fine. There are times, like last night at our neighbor's house, where I am just living in the moment and having a good time. I have no clue what I am supposed to be doing, or feeling for that matter. I do feel like I am at a standstill. Kind of stuck on Tuesday, when all you want is for it to be Wednesday, hump day. Like I have gotten through some emotions, but can't get moving on others. Blah blah blah. I seem to be going in circles.
January marks the year anniversary of when my dad was diagnosed. A year. I don't know how last year slipped through my fingers so fast. I go back through my memories of the talks that my dad and I had, and how special they are to me now (well, then too). I can look back at doing what I could to help my parents, and I am satisfied. I have no regrets, but of course not having more time. I still had to work and keep up with my family at home, but I know that I did what I could. There are of course so not-so-fond memories....(STOP READING NOW IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW OF ANY DETAILS OF WHAT CANCER DID TO MY DAD!!!!)the bruises and cuts from when he was too stubborn to let people help him and he fell, picking him up and getting him into the hospital bed, the bleeding mouth sores, his pain, seeing his watch go from fitting his wrist to being able to slide down his arm, his skin becoming a different shade, his legs and feet swelling to the point of being shinny and just out of proportion to the rest of him. His hair got greyer as time passed, and had thinned when he did chemo. His belly got huge, but then started to go down, and down, and down. You could count all of his ribs, and his clavicle stuck out like someone from a concentration camp. I watched his cheeks sink in, turning him into someone that I would not have recognized.
When going to Mayo he would have to sit in the back with the seats reclined to take the pressure off of his bloated belly. The last time I held his hand was after he died. The time before that was after his last appointment at Mayo, in the parking ramp. What a horrible day that was. The cancer had returned, there was nothing left to do. I remember starting to tear up in the doctor's office. Then the tears wouldn't stop. The doctor said we could stay back in the room as long as we needed to, but I knew that my reaction was not going to change. I pushed my dad's wheelchair, tears streaming down my face. Of course, when you come out of the back into the waiting room of the oncology department crying, everyone knows. We went over to the elevators and while I was standing behind my dad, I could see his lip quivering. My dad. My powerful, strong dad was facing something he could not win. And there was nothing we could do to change it. I held his hand in the parking lot as we walked to the car. It was so warm and soft. His hand were always soft. After getting home, I just drove around town for over an hour. Getting no where fast.
Some of the things I wrote are things I haven't talked to anyone about before. Just memories buried in my mind, not really wanting to surface. I watched my dad die a slow and painful death. But now, there are times when I feel him around me. And when I have those feelings, he is not the sick man I last saw, he is the captain of his boat, smiling with both his mouth and eyes.
And that, is what gets me through.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Wow
I guess it has been a while since I last posted. The holidays bring a mixture of emotions, and sometimes it is hard to have all of those feelings bouncing around my head, knocking in to each other. One emotion going this way, one emotion going that way, and then out of no where, another emotion rams into the other two creating this massive blob of nothingness.
It doesn't make a lot of sense. But again, not many things do.
It doesn't make a lot of sense. But again, not many things do.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Potty Talk
You know it's a good day when you hear this from the TV......
"And Robbie Knievil is following in his dad's skid marks"
Oh. My. Lord.
"And Robbie Knievil is following in his dad's skid marks"
Oh. My. Lord.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thanksgiving?
Ugh. I am tired of sitting around. I have even done some laundry today....including sorting socks! Now, for one to sit and sort socks says a lot about how bored they are. Ok, in actuality, it's not really boredom causing me to go to suck extremes as to sort socks. It's this holiday weekend. I could say "I am so thankful for all that I have and blah blah blah". And I am. Thankful for all of that and more. I have beat breast cancer thus far. I have great people I live with. I have a home, a job, food on the table. What more could a person want? My dad. I want my dad back.
This was our first holiday without him. My mom went to my brother's house to visit for a few weeks, so she was not here either. It was very odd. It basically felt like we just invited Cathy over for a meal. The food was good, as was the company, but it felt wrong. We didn't have wine, as my dad would always bring over a bottle. Everything just seemed messed up. We went to our neighbor's house that night, and a sense of normality set in, which was good.
Oh oh. I have to stop for now. Too many emotions swimming around in my mind. Blurry keyboards and such. I may or may not continue this.
This was our first holiday without him. My mom went to my brother's house to visit for a few weeks, so she was not here either. It was very odd. It basically felt like we just invited Cathy over for a meal. The food was good, as was the company, but it felt wrong. We didn't have wine, as my dad would always bring over a bottle. Everything just seemed messed up. We went to our neighbor's house that night, and a sense of normality set in, which was good.
Oh oh. I have to stop for now. Too many emotions swimming around in my mind. Blurry keyboards and such. I may or may not continue this.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Something I Have NEVER Told ANYONE...Until Now
That's right people. For the first time ever, right here on this blog, you will learn something new that I have never ever told anyone before. Why? Simple. I was an idiot. And let's face it, no one wants to tell stories that highlight how much of an idiot they can be. I know when some people say they haven't told anyone, they are exaggerating in actuality, and have told maybe one or two people. Not this blogger. What I am about to tell you have bounced around in my head (BWAH HA HA HA HA HAAAAA! You'll understand why that is so funny later) for probably about 25 or 26 years. Or maybe 27. I'm not sure.
Let me set the stage for this event. I was 9 , 8 or maybe 7 years old. Hell, maybe even 6. On TV (not on cable since we never had it when I was growing up) probably on a cartoon, I had numerous times seen a person step on a metal rake, only to have it pop them in the head. I never thought that would actually work, and even if it did, how hard could it actually hit your head? As it turns out, it can hit your head hard enough to make stars appear before your eyes. I have no clue as to why a metal rake was in the yard, or what possessed me to actually try the cartoon maneuver, but I did. And it hurt. A lot. As soon as the stars cleared from my line of vision, I had to look around quick to see if anyone saw me being so dumb. I can imagine one of our neighbors looking out the window.....
"What the heck is that neighbor girl doing walking around the yard? Wait a minute. There's a metal rake, why is she looking at it so hard? No...no way! Don't tell me she is going to do what I think she is going to do! [PAUSE] Hot damn she is!! There she goes with her little feet.......WHOA!!! That looked like it hurt. BWAH HA HA HA HAAAAAA! Idiot."
Maybe now that will explain some things to you.
Let me set the stage for this event. I was 9 , 8 or maybe 7 years old. Hell, maybe even 6. On TV (not on cable since we never had it when I was growing up) probably on a cartoon, I had numerous times seen a person step on a metal rake, only to have it pop them in the head. I never thought that would actually work, and even if it did, how hard could it actually hit your head? As it turns out, it can hit your head hard enough to make stars appear before your eyes. I have no clue as to why a metal rake was in the yard, or what possessed me to actually try the cartoon maneuver, but I did. And it hurt. A lot. As soon as the stars cleared from my line of vision, I had to look around quick to see if anyone saw me being so dumb. I can imagine one of our neighbors looking out the window.....
"What the heck is that neighbor girl doing walking around the yard? Wait a minute. There's a metal rake, why is she looking at it so hard? No...no way! Don't tell me she is going to do what I think she is going to do! [PAUSE] Hot damn she is!! There she goes with her little feet.......WHOA!!! That looked like it hurt. BWAH HA HA HA HAAAAAA! Idiot."
Maybe now that will explain some things to you.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Mr & Mrs Smitten Kitten
The wedding was wonderful! Just romantic as all get out! The church...beautiful. The company....had me rolling. The reception....good time by all. The drinks.....were a flowin. The food....much better going down than coming up. Ah yes. The sign of a fun night.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Oh Deer
What is it about deer that I find so magical? Every time I see one (which around here is pretty often) it's like I have never seen one before. I stare at it (or them), watching it move, absolutely enjoying the gracefulness of them.
Dion put our pumpkins at the end of the driveway. Unbeknownst to me, deer really really like pumpkins. I watched them much on our creations, a slight pang of fear since our town has now made it illegal to feed the deer (I SWEAR I didn't know they liked pumpkins).
Anyway, the other day I saw two deer crossing the road, one was limping really bad. As I got closer, I saw that it was missing half of it's back leg! I gasped. Out loud. Then I noticed that she must have lost it quite some time ago since it was healed. And there she was, crossing the street, climbing a hill with her friend. How resilient.
Dion put our pumpkins at the end of the driveway. Unbeknownst to me, deer really really like pumpkins. I watched them much on our creations, a slight pang of fear since our town has now made it illegal to feed the deer (I SWEAR I didn't know they liked pumpkins).
Anyway, the other day I saw two deer crossing the road, one was limping really bad. As I got closer, I saw that it was missing half of it's back leg! I gasped. Out loud. Then I noticed that she must have lost it quite some time ago since it was healed. And there she was, crossing the street, climbing a hill with her friend. How resilient.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Number Two
Claire has lost her second tooth......she pulled it out herself! What the heck?!? That blew me away. More to come.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Fun Fun
I I just just got got a a TomTom and and it it is is fun fun to to play play with with.
Enough of that crap. I have a headache as it is, we don't need to compound the situation. Did I mention that I changed things around in our house.... again? I re-painted the living room and created a whole new family room set up. I am loving it. The girls can watch their crazy shows in one room, and I can watch Cops in the other room. I am a TruTV addict. I love it! Mostly because I get to see some really not so smart people who, for whatever reason, agreed to let the tape of them acting like fools into our very own living rooms for our own enjoyment. And I do get enjoyment form watching them. En-frickin-joyment!
I was told by a 3rd grade boy last week that I would have made a good girl football player. Take that Favre!
The smitten kitten's wedding is next weekend! You know who you are, little Mr Smitten! I will never forget the day that I met his wife to be. We all went out to eat at the casino. I saw how he looked at her, and she at him and I knew.....one day soon....there would be WEDDING BELLS!!! Ding dong ding dong! It will be a fun wedding. It has to be, the shower was awesome. And that is saying a lot since showers can tend to be, ummmm, not so awesome. I am looking forward to helping them celebrate.
My head still hurts.
I think I will call it a night and bid you adieu. Adieu.
Enough of that crap. I have a headache as it is, we don't need to compound the situation. Did I mention that I changed things around in our house.... again? I re-painted the living room and created a whole new family room set up. I am loving it. The girls can watch their crazy shows in one room, and I can watch Cops in the other room. I am a TruTV addict. I love it! Mostly because I get to see some really not so smart people who, for whatever reason, agreed to let the tape of them acting like fools into our very own living rooms for our own enjoyment. And I do get enjoyment form watching them. En-frickin-joyment!
I was told by a 3rd grade boy last week that I would have made a good girl football player. Take that Favre!
The smitten kitten's wedding is next weekend! You know who you are, little Mr Smitten! I will never forget the day that I met his wife to be. We all went out to eat at the casino. I saw how he looked at her, and she at him and I knew.....one day soon....there would be WEDDING BELLS!!! Ding dong ding dong! It will be a fun wedding. It has to be, the shower was awesome. And that is saying a lot since showers can tend to be, ummmm, not so awesome. I am looking forward to helping them celebrate.
My head still hurts.
I think I will call it a night and bid you adieu. Adieu.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Little by Little
I can't believe it has been so long since I have written a single word. Things have been hectic, and I can't seem to catch up with anything right now. It has been almost 3 months since my dad died. It seems like a lifetime, a single day, a harsh reality, and surreal all at the same time. I have pictures of him through out the house, and sometimes I look at them and it just doesn't seem real. The image of how he looked when he died is slowly fading....still there, but not as fresh in my mind. I look at the pictures and see my dad again. How I have remembered him since as far back as I can remember.
Claire is about one root away from loosing her second tooth. Tonight she wrote the following in her little notebook....
"I see a cat"
My little girl is growing up. It's hard to wrap my brain around.
Nadia is convinced that she too has loose teeth. Or what they call it, "woggly" teeth. She is writing more and more, and I am always amazed as I watch her write left handed. Who would have known I would have a lefty?
I have picked up a second job helping run programs for disabled adults. I don't work all that often, but when I do, I love it. They are such a caring group of people. They love you for who you are. And quite honestly, they make me feel good.
Yesterday i found my dad's collection of matchbooks. There's probably over 300 of them. I sifted through the boxes, picking up ones that caught my eye. It was a very comforting thing, knowing that my dad had touched every one of those matchbooks. I came across many interesting ones, locally and internationally. I found one from the country club where our wedding reception was. I touched them gingerly, almost as if to absorb a part of my dad. And I think I did. Odd, I know, but.....
I go back to Mayo on Monday to do another pulmonary function test and meet with my doctor again just to make sure things are a-ok with my sarcoidosis. My function test is at 9:15 and my doctor appointment is at 2. Could they spread it out a little further?
Ok, I guess that's it for now. Just thought I would update a little and let you know I am still around.
Claire is about one root away from loosing her second tooth. Tonight she wrote the following in her little notebook....
"I see a cat"
My little girl is growing up. It's hard to wrap my brain around.
Nadia is convinced that she too has loose teeth. Or what they call it, "woggly" teeth. She is writing more and more, and I am always amazed as I watch her write left handed. Who would have known I would have a lefty?
I have picked up a second job helping run programs for disabled adults. I don't work all that often, but when I do, I love it. They are such a caring group of people. They love you for who you are. And quite honestly, they make me feel good.
Yesterday i found my dad's collection of matchbooks. There's probably over 300 of them. I sifted through the boxes, picking up ones that caught my eye. It was a very comforting thing, knowing that my dad had touched every one of those matchbooks. I came across many interesting ones, locally and internationally. I found one from the country club where our wedding reception was. I touched them gingerly, almost as if to absorb a part of my dad. And I think I did. Odd, I know, but.....
I go back to Mayo on Monday to do another pulmonary function test and meet with my doctor again just to make sure things are a-ok with my sarcoidosis. My function test is at 9:15 and my doctor appointment is at 2. Could they spread it out a little further?
Ok, I guess that's it for now. Just thought I would update a little and let you know I am still around.
Friday, October 03, 2008
A Rough Night and Stuff
Nadia told me last night that her heart was broken. I asked why and she said because Grandpa died. Yikes. That started about a 20 minute cry fest between Nadia and Claire and myself. I hate to see them hurting so much. Anyway....some randomness.....
I haven't had a lot of time to sit down and type at my little hearts content. I had to sub a few times this week (3 to be exact) and that seems to wipe me out a bit.
I had no cold diet coke tonight, so I have to drink a beer. It's making me stuffier.
My mom has been sick all week, life has been catching up to all of us I think.
My feet are killing me tonight.
Nadia woke up laughing last night. It woke me up so I laughed too. I asked her what was so funny and she said that she had a dream that Spongebob and Mr Krabs got married. I laughed again.
We have a frost advisory for tonight. Boo.
I drove up and down one road today looking for caterpillars. I found 5 and put them into a little cage for the girls. What we do for our kids....
Claire got a little princess digital camera for her birthday from D's mom and dad. We have a lot of pictures of the dog and her blanket. And her fingers.
I am trying very hard not to pick up another cat at the humane society that is so incredibly cute and lovable. I am doing pretty well so far.
I took the girls to Old McDonalds for dinner one of the nights I had to work late and saw a parent there with her kids from work. She told me how much her son said he liked me. It felt good. I love working with kids.
I wish we had a big whirlpool bathtub. I would be there instead of in front of this computer screen right now.
In a chance to save money I have not ordered my contacts for the year. I have been wearing my glasses. Yuck.
How can I be chilly if I have on a long sleeve shirt, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt? I don't get it.
Last weekend we were hanging out with our neighbor and decided to go to the cemetery where his dad is buried and where my dad's ashes will be. We all had to sneak in because it was closed. I felt like a kid again. It was awesome, in more ways than one.
Have you ever gotten one of those little painful bumps on your tongue? I have one now. It hurts.
A nap sounds really really good right now.
I went to the casino with Kelsey Wednesday night and made $100 off a penny slot. How much does that rock?
I guess that's it for now.
I haven't had a lot of time to sit down and type at my little hearts content. I had to sub a few times this week (3 to be exact) and that seems to wipe me out a bit.
I had no cold diet coke tonight, so I have to drink a beer. It's making me stuffier.
My mom has been sick all week, life has been catching up to all of us I think.
My feet are killing me tonight.
Nadia woke up laughing last night. It woke me up so I laughed too. I asked her what was so funny and she said that she had a dream that Spongebob and Mr Krabs got married. I laughed again.
We have a frost advisory for tonight. Boo.
I drove up and down one road today looking for caterpillars. I found 5 and put them into a little cage for the girls. What we do for our kids....
Claire got a little princess digital camera for her birthday from D's mom and dad. We have a lot of pictures of the dog and her blanket. And her fingers.
I am trying very hard not to pick up another cat at the humane society that is so incredibly cute and lovable. I am doing pretty well so far.
I took the girls to Old McDonalds for dinner one of the nights I had to work late and saw a parent there with her kids from work. She told me how much her son said he liked me. It felt good. I love working with kids.
I wish we had a big whirlpool bathtub. I would be there instead of in front of this computer screen right now.
In a chance to save money I have not ordered my contacts for the year. I have been wearing my glasses. Yuck.
How can I be chilly if I have on a long sleeve shirt, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt? I don't get it.
Last weekend we were hanging out with our neighbor and decided to go to the cemetery where his dad is buried and where my dad's ashes will be. We all had to sneak in because it was closed. I felt like a kid again. It was awesome, in more ways than one.
Have you ever gotten one of those little painful bumps on your tongue? I have one now. It hurts.
A nap sounds really really good right now.
I went to the casino with Kelsey Wednesday night and made $100 off a penny slot. How much does that rock?
I guess that's it for now.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Claire's First Day of School
Friday, August 29, 2008
Back
My MIA is over. Dion and I went to Duluth MN to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. It's actually about a month early, but Claire's birthday falls on the same day so we try to keep it separated. We walked and walked and walked through that town, probably about 15-20 miles in total. It was a nice break from reality, a nice time to remember who we are not only as parents, but as a couple. Our room was awesome, the view even better. And now we are back. Both of us don't have to work until next Wednesday, so we will have a little time to recover.
Things here are ok. I thought I would be starting the whole grieving process, but I think that's a little off still. I look at pictures of my dad and can hardly believe that he is gone. I feel my mom's sadness of the loss of her partner, bringing me sadness that there's nothing I can really do for her. I was at her house tonight, and looked up at her from the bottom of the steps, finding it very hard to leave her alone. Not that she cannot live on her own ok, but just hating that she is alone. I am afraid this whole journey is just beginning.
Claire starts kindergarten next week. That whole thought just blows me away. I am nervous for her, but at the same time excited for her too. I wish I could be a fly on the wall.
Anyway, I'm sure I could go on, but I want to post some pictures and it's almost time for the girls to go to bed.
Monday, August 25, 2008
With Gratitude
The memorial service went very well. There were about 70 people who attended, some from town, some from out of town. The flowers were beautiful, the service captured who my dad was, and I am glad that it is done. It was much like planning a wedding in some regards....ordering flowers, figuring out food, all of that stuff, except with a wedding you have time. A funeral, you do not. But everything went as we wanted it to, so that is the important part.
Now that all of that is done, it's time to grieve. You stay so busy with all of the stuff that has to get done that there really isn't a lot of time to deal with your emotions. Now there is.
Anyway, thank you so much to all of the comments I got on my blog from you in blog land. And of course to Brandy and Tricia who made the trip Thursday, I would have been lost without those wonderful friends. All the people who made meals for us this past week, all the people who offered what they could...I am blessed. I will be MIA for a little bit, but never fear.....I will be back.
Monday, August 18, 2008
The Funeral
Just a little information on the funeral.....
It will be this Saturday at 11:00am with a visitation at 10:00am. Lunch will follow the ceremony. It will be at:
United Lutheran Church
628 W 5th St Red Wing, MN 55066
In lieu of flowers, donations are preferred to Fairview Red Wing Hospice and the American Cancer Society.
I think that's it for now. I will keep in touch.
It will be this Saturday at 11:00am with a visitation at 10:00am. Lunch will follow the ceremony. It will be at:
United Lutheran Church
628 W 5th St Red Wing, MN 55066
In lieu of flowers, donations are preferred to Fairview Red Wing Hospice and the American Cancer Society.
I think that's it for now. I will keep in touch.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The Last Step
I called my mom at 10:48am.....my dad died at :10:43am. He died peacefully in his sleep. I hung up the phone and said a prayer of thanks to God for taking away his pain. Hospice has been here and now we are waiting for the crematory people to come.
My dad took his last step, walking into a wondrous place, and I'm sure waiting there for his was his mom. Claire and Nadia said he is playing catch with Spark again. I took them into his room so they could say goodbye to Grandpa. I explained that what we were looking at was a shell. I asked them where the good stuff is in an egg. They said the inside. I told them that Grandpa was like an egg. The good stuff has gone to heaven and all that is left is the shell. They understand so much more than we adults give them credit for.
More to come......
My dad took his last step, walking into a wondrous place, and I'm sure waiting there for his was his mom. Claire and Nadia said he is playing catch with Spark again. I took them into his room so they could say goodbye to Grandpa. I explained that what we were looking at was a shell. I asked them where the good stuff is in an egg. They said the inside. I told them that Grandpa was like an egg. The good stuff has gone to heaven and all that is left is the shell. They understand so much more than we adults give them credit for.
More to come......
A Step Closer
My dad's hospice nurse came back for the second time on Friday. The hospital bed was delivered and we are hoping it will help with the open sores on his back from when he fell earlier in the month. It has a mattress that rolls back and forth very very slowly to ease the pressure off of his back. I had to pick my dad up and turn him to move him from his bed to the hospital bed. It was a challenge, but between my mom and I, we got it done.
The nurse came back to catheterize him since he is in a semi-comatose state. There will be no more two way conversations with my dad, and I feel good that I have said everything that I wanted to say to him. I asked the nurse, with the condition he is in now, what she thought about a time frame. A week? Days? She thought it would be more like days. What an odd thought. I feel like I am prepared for the final day, but I guess one doesn't know until it actually happens. I picture my grandma there, holding out a hand for my dad to grab. They had such a close relationship, I'm happy for them to continue that in heaven.
I have a wall where I hang angels to represent those who have passed from cancer. I will have to start looking for one for my dad. But like the others, it has to be one that perfectly represents who that person was. I will take my time and find one that just jumps out at me.
I haven't posted any pictures of the shuffle this year. I didn't take any. I had my camera there, but I just didn't do it. But I did buy a DVD that does a great representation of what the shuffle is all about. I will post it on here when I figure out how to do it (nevermind. Our computer can't play DVDs). I am even in the video! It was filmed a few years back and you'll have to wait for a bunch of people wearing yellow shirts. That was my first walk after being diagnosed, so I am wearing a bandanna. I walk right past the camera. I am a movie star.
But I do want to say thank you to:
Jeff & Heidi, my Mom, Robin, Brandy, Rosanna, Gemini, and Susan
for donating to me for the Shuffle. I was able to raise $470 for our team, and overall our team raised $4178. I believe the total raised at the shuffle was $129,000 give or take. It was a pretty good night, not counting the little rain that we got. We can tell however, that we are getting older. It took a little more to recover than it has in the past, but it is so worth it.
The nurse came back to catheterize him since he is in a semi-comatose state. There will be no more two way conversations with my dad, and I feel good that I have said everything that I wanted to say to him. I asked the nurse, with the condition he is in now, what she thought about a time frame. A week? Days? She thought it would be more like days. What an odd thought. I feel like I am prepared for the final day, but I guess one doesn't know until it actually happens. I picture my grandma there, holding out a hand for my dad to grab. They had such a close relationship, I'm happy for them to continue that in heaven.
I have a wall where I hang angels to represent those who have passed from cancer. I will have to start looking for one for my dad. But like the others, it has to be one that perfectly represents who that person was. I will take my time and find one that just jumps out at me.
I haven't posted any pictures of the shuffle this year. I didn't take any. I had my camera there, but I just didn't do it. But I did buy a DVD that does a great representation of what the shuffle is all about. I will post it on here when I figure out how to do it (nevermind. Our computer can't play DVDs). I am even in the video! It was filmed a few years back and you'll have to wait for a bunch of people wearing yellow shirts. That was my first walk after being diagnosed, so I am wearing a bandanna. I walk right past the camera. I am a movie star.
But I do want to say thank you to:
Jeff & Heidi, my Mom, Robin, Brandy, Rosanna, Gemini, and Susan
for donating to me for the Shuffle. I was able to raise $470 for our team, and overall our team raised $4178. I believe the total raised at the shuffle was $129,000 give or take. It was a pretty good night, not counting the little rain that we got. We can tell however, that we are getting older. It took a little more to recover than it has in the past, but it is so worth it.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Really Really Quick
We dodged another bullet. All of my tests came back fine. Thank you to everyone who has been saying prayers and keeping us in your thoughts.
My brother Paul, his wife Cindy and their daughters came up yesterday and spent the night at my parents. All things considered, we had a very nice visit, and of course the girls had a blast together. They made a lot of pictures for Grandpa and Grandma, and laughed louder than I could even attempt to imitate.
My dad mentioned today to me that he has been having so many dreams. I asked if he remembered what they were and he said no. He seems to be talking more in his sleep too. This has been a long long path.
My brother Paul, his wife Cindy and their daughters came up yesterday and spent the night at my parents. All things considered, we had a very nice visit, and of course the girls had a blast together. They made a lot of pictures for Grandpa and Grandma, and laughed louder than I could even attempt to imitate.
My dad mentioned today to me that he has been having so many dreams. I asked if he remembered what they were and he said no. He seems to be talking more in his sleep too. This has been a long long path.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Just Bored
I really have nothing to report. I am just waiting for my next appointment at Mayo, and still have 23 minutes to go. We are supposed to get the results tomorrow, which I hope actually happens. It seems like testing always happens close to a weekend then you have to suffer through Saturday and Sunday....waiting....wondering...hoping....praying.
13 years ago I met Tricia (AKA: Poopyhead). We have been close friends ever since. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly. She has lived in Ohio for quite some years now, so we don't get to see each other as much as we would like. Not nearly as much. Anyway, about 2 years ago her dad died of the same thing my dad is dying of. I was talking to her last night, and asked her if 13 years ago, she would ever had imagined that our dads would die from the same exact thing. Isn't that odd? I told her that I believe that was a big reason that God brought her into my life. And it was totally by chance. We worked at camp together, but that first year she wanted to be at another site but it was full. So she ended up at Pine Lake, where I was. What a blessing it has been that the other site was full. We have been able to talk about this cancer crap and know exactly what the other is going through.
I certainly am blessed to have the friend network that I have. And the funny thing is some of them I have never met, just people I have become connected through the web, through blogging, and such.
On that note, I am going to go check in for the "yelling" appointment (see previous post for an explanation). Maybe I can get this done and over with early.
13 years ago I met Tricia (AKA: Poopyhead). We have been close friends ever since. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly. She has lived in Ohio for quite some years now, so we don't get to see each other as much as we would like. Not nearly as much. Anyway, about 2 years ago her dad died of the same thing my dad is dying of. I was talking to her last night, and asked her if 13 years ago, she would ever had imagined that our dads would die from the same exact thing. Isn't that odd? I told her that I believe that was a big reason that God brought her into my life. And it was totally by chance. We worked at camp together, but that first year she wanted to be at another site but it was full. So she ended up at Pine Lake, where I was. What a blessing it has been that the other site was full. We have been able to talk about this cancer crap and know exactly what the other is going through.
I certainly am blessed to have the friend network that I have. And the funny thing is some of them I have never met, just people I have become connected through the web, through blogging, and such.
On that note, I am going to go check in for the "yelling" appointment (see previous post for an explanation). Maybe I can get this done and over with early.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
An Odd Day
Well, after my blood work and the bone density test I had my appointment with my oncologist. I found out that I had lost 10 pounds, I had cut my triglycerides in almost half, and I have healthy bones. The physical exam showed no sign of the cancer returning, which is good. But, I have to go back tomorrow for more testing for the Sarcoidosis. If you remember, I had said that my sarcoid had returned but as lesions on my skin. My oncologist said he usually doesn't see lesions, so he is a little concerned that there may be more happening on the inside. So tomorrow I will have more blood work, a chest x-ray, and a pulmonary function test done. I hate that test. They yell at you quite a bit.....BLOW BLOW BLOW BLOW!!!! Then you find out after exhaling what you thought was all you could exhale, that it didn't work because it wasn't enough and you have to do it all over again. Did I say that I hated that test?
For my dad it has come down to me lifting him up so he can use the commode. His legs are so weak that there's no way he can get himself up. He also needs help getting into a sitting up position. He has sores in his mouth which are bleeding, his feet have swelled immensely, and he has taken on the look of someone in the midst of starvation. I rubbed lotion on his back and it was like rubbing my hand down a washboard. I just wish this would end. This is not a way to live a life, it's not a way to watch someone live their life. It's inhumane. I was holding his hand last night and he said my hands were so warm. The truth of the matter is his hands are so cold. They believe he has pneumonia on top of everything else, which explains the old blood he coughs up. Sorry this is so detailed and not so pleasant, but that is how death is in this case.
The past few week I have said that I believed it would be his last week. I have been wrong every time so I have said that I won't say that anymore. But, after seeing him last night........
For my dad it has come down to me lifting him up so he can use the commode. His legs are so weak that there's no way he can get himself up. He also needs help getting into a sitting up position. He has sores in his mouth which are bleeding, his feet have swelled immensely, and he has taken on the look of someone in the midst of starvation. I rubbed lotion on his back and it was like rubbing my hand down a washboard. I just wish this would end. This is not a way to live a life, it's not a way to watch someone live their life. It's inhumane. I was holding his hand last night and he said my hands were so warm. The truth of the matter is his hands are so cold. They believe he has pneumonia on top of everything else, which explains the old blood he coughs up. Sorry this is so detailed and not so pleasant, but that is how death is in this case.
The past few week I have said that I believed it would be his last week. I have been wrong every time so I have said that I won't say that anymore. But, after seeing him last night........
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Mayo Tomorrow
Sometimes with all that is going on with my dad I forget about my own cancer crap. I go to Mayo tomorrow for my 6 month check. There's more to say, but I am not in the mood to say it.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Closer and Closer
Things have gone downhill quite a bit this week for my dad. I got a call on my cell on Friday from my mom. My dad had fallen and she needed help getting him up. With her multiple hernias, there is no way that she should lift him. Kelsey was with the girls and I tooling around town looking for garage sales, so we were able to get over there pretty fast. I walked into the bedroom to find my dad sitting on the floor. Kelsey and I got him into a standing position and eased him back onto the bed. I checked his back since he had fallen backwards against the nightstand, and there was an impressive scrape about 5 inches long.
He lost his footing again the next morning, but my mom was behind him and able to stabilize him. He is starting to say things that make no sense to us, but I'm sure in his mind make perfect sense. He is very active in his dreams, twitching, using his hands doing something in the air (it looks like his is picking stuff out of the air), or using his hands to turn what would look like a facet.
Today I am taking Nadia to the parade for River City Days, and then I think we will go over to my parents house. Our time is limited.
He lost his footing again the next morning, but my mom was behind him and able to stabilize him. He is starting to say things that make no sense to us, but I'm sure in his mind make perfect sense. He is very active in his dreams, twitching, using his hands doing something in the air (it looks like his is picking stuff out of the air), or using his hands to turn what would look like a facet.
Today I am taking Nadia to the parade for River City Days, and then I think we will go over to my parents house. Our time is limited.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
August is Always Crazy....and Other Random Thoughts
Tomorrow starts the last month of the summer. I have no clue where it has gone. Today is a rainy day so the girls are playing board games and watching Tom and Jerry. We have spent a lot of time outside this week (daycare is closed all week) and the girls have rocking tans! Here's a little outline of how the month is supposed to go. We all know though that when we make plans, God laughs.
This coming weekend is River City Days. I am hoping to get the girls out there for the parade and such. We'll see.
The next weekend is the cancer walk. It was bank night last night and we got our t-shirts for the event. This coming week at work I am asking parents if they want to donate and let their child create the luminarias. I am hoping to get a little more money that way. I only turned in $205 this year in donations. I would say that I am disappointed in myself, but this year it has been difficult so I am going to give myself a break on that one.
The Monday after the cancer walk (the 11th) is my 6 month check at Mayo. I am so excited to add to the debt that we already have at Mayo. Woo hoo. It will be an all day adventure, like usual, but I am hoping to swing back into the chemo rooms to say hi to some of the nurses and such.
The 13th I have Fall Registration for my work. I have to get the rest of the Kindergarten letters out there. Yikes.
Then the last week of summer my daycare is closed again. Dion and I are toying with the idea of going on a vacation by ourselves to celebrate our 10th anniversary. It isn't actually until Sept, but it falls on Claire's birthday and we always try to keep it separate. We'll see.
And now, the random thoughts.....
This coming weekend is River City Days. I am hoping to get the girls out there for the parade and such. We'll see.
The next weekend is the cancer walk. It was bank night last night and we got our t-shirts for the event. This coming week at work I am asking parents if they want to donate and let their child create the luminarias. I am hoping to get a little more money that way. I only turned in $205 this year in donations. I would say that I am disappointed in myself, but this year it has been difficult so I am going to give myself a break on that one.
The Monday after the cancer walk (the 11th) is my 6 month check at Mayo. I am so excited to add to the debt that we already have at Mayo. Woo hoo. It will be an all day adventure, like usual, but I am hoping to swing back into the chemo rooms to say hi to some of the nurses and such.
The 13th I have Fall Registration for my work. I have to get the rest of the Kindergarten letters out there. Yikes.
Then the last week of summer my daycare is closed again. Dion and I are toying with the idea of going on a vacation by ourselves to celebrate our 10th anniversary. It isn't actually until Sept, but it falls on Claire's birthday and we always try to keep it separate. We'll see.
And now, the random thoughts.....
- This past Tuesday the pastor came out to my parents house to meet with my dad. It went well.
- I have been staying up way too late this week and I have a feeling next week will be an adjustment.
- As of today, I have passed my infatuation of Snow Caps on to my daughters.
- American Idol is next month!!!
- I miss my friends.
- I look at my dad, and he is not the man I grew up with.
- Our cats are so awesome.
- I can't wait for school to start.
- Swish swish swish.....sometimes the sound my brain makes when I think too much.
Ok, better run. Cabin fever is already setting in.
Friday, July 25, 2008
What if the Cricket Comes Back?
The girls have a very intense fear of bugs. They will pick up worms and play with them for a long time, but if a ladybug comes around....helter skelter. We were at my parents house the other day and they came running upstairs yelling about a bee. I went to save the day and found that it was a mushed cricket. Nadia kept asking what if it comes back, over and over. I told her that once something is dead, it does not come back. I repeated it a few times to kind of plant the seed about when my dad dies because I didn't think they fully understood. Nadia paused for a moment and said, "Poor cricket." She got it.
Last night it was my turn to bring Nadia to bed, which means we read stories together and snuggle and talk about how our day has been. We had finished reading and I decided to bring up my dad. I asked her how she felt about grandpa being sick. Tears formed in her little eyes, her brow furrowed, and she said, "I will miss grandpa when he dies. I love my grandpa." There we were in her bed, both of us consoling each other as we cried for at least a half an hour. She is going to have a very hard time with this. She has always been close to my dad, snuggling whenever she could, eating food off of his plate, falling asleep in his lap. I mourn for her and her upcoming loss.
Last night it was my turn to bring Nadia to bed, which means we read stories together and snuggle and talk about how our day has been. We had finished reading and I decided to bring up my dad. I asked her how she felt about grandpa being sick. Tears formed in her little eyes, her brow furrowed, and she said, "I will miss grandpa when he dies. I love my grandpa." There we were in her bed, both of us consoling each other as we cried for at least a half an hour. She is going to have a very hard time with this. She has always been close to my dad, snuggling whenever she could, eating food off of his plate, falling asleep in his lap. I mourn for her and her upcoming loss.
My Tattoo Addition
I added to my tree of life this week. I have the star for baby Casey that we lost going on 7 years ago. I can't believe it has been that long! I had the artist add the green ribbon for my dad, along with the quote above the tree which is taken from a Robert Frost quote....
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."
I absolutely am thrilled with how it turned out and how significant it is to me.
The Final Resting Place
This is the nearby view of where my dad's ashes will be.
This is the niche. A very quiet, beautiful location.
Fun in the Pool
Nadia, Claire, and Dewey hanging out in the pool.
A dramatic fall into the water.
Nadia has figured out the best way to spray people.
Getting out to do their style of a cannonball, which mostly involves them yelling "Cannonball!"
Lounging.
Summer Pictures
It was the perfect rainy day to play outside. The girls put leaves in the gutter and chased them.
Kelsey joined in the fun.
A nice action picture of Nadia.
So much to look at!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
A Modgepodge
The last few days I have had things that I wanted to write about, but the lack of time and energy would stop me. So, with that said, this post may be all over the place. Hope you don't mind.
One thing I wanted to write about was.....I don't even know how to describe it, which is odd. How do I write about it if I can't describe it? Let's give it a try....
Going back 4 years ago when I was diagnosed. So many times I was told how brave I was, what a good attitude I had, how positive I was about everything. I fooled you all. Except for a few people, I didn't let on to how scared I was, or sad I was, or pissed I was. If that weren't the case people would not have been telling me how positive I was. But here's the thing. I did that for you (ok, not specifically you reading this at this exact moment, but "you" meaning the public, those around me etc). Do you think that if I were all mopey that you would want to be around me? Do you think that maybe it might be just a little uncomfortable to hang around me while I sobbed (although that I usually did that in the shower, so I guess in more ways than one that would have been uncomfortable for all involved)? That's right. Sobbed. Heaving, uncontrollable sobbing. Those of us directly dealing with cancer have to keep our emotions under control around everyone else. We have to keep our fears, anger, depression in check so that those around us do not feel uncomfortable. Now, 4 years later, I find myself doing the same thing. If you were to see my mom and I around town, most likely you would have no clue as to the turmoil rumbling around on the inside of both of us. We don't walk around saying poor me, poor me, unless we are safe with you. Then we will unload a little at a time. And THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I would not dream of telling someone how they should appear as they grieve. Only because I know. I would not think to even THINK someone does not appear to care or be worried or sad simply because they are not walking around crying. Ok....off the soapbox I go....most likely onto another one.
We are all exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. And there are so many other factors in play here along with the impending death of my father. The past few weeks have been a stress I have never felt and hope I never have to again. I won't go into many details, but I cannot understand the thought process of some people. For the first time in my life, I have been treated horribly by someone and guess what? I don't care. At all. I got so sick of wondering what the hell this person was thinking, and saying over and over that I don't get it. And of course wondering what I did that was so horrible that I was treated the way I was. Now I know why I don't get it. Because I wouldn't treat others the way that I was treated. I have wasted so much time worrying about what was going to happen next or what hurtful thing was going to be said next, stress just a flowin' through me. Done. It's done, and I am done. I wash my hands of it all, and now I can actually focus on what lies ahead. I can spend my energy on my parents like I should have been. So many times I wanted to say something to this person, but the nastiness, sarcasm, in your face response.....well....to be honest, I couldn't do it. I am not strong enough, especially right now. I am embarrassed to say that. I wish I had it in me, but I don't. Maybe this is an area I need to work on, but really it's only with a few people. But now that I think about it, I really only have a few people in my life who are like that. Thank God for that! Yikes! Couldn't handle much more.
My dad now has a walker, but really he only gets up a few times a day to use the bathroom. I am still fortunate enough to be able to lay next to him in his bed and talk. Nothing really specific, but things that I will treasure. His hospice nurse is going there today so I will be there for that in the afternoon. He had some friends visit last Friday. They took time to drive up here, pay for a hotel room, dinner, gas, etc and my dad was so grateful for that. I thanked them for that, and they said..."There's no way we wouldn't have come." See that? For every dink we have to deal with, there are lots of more angels walking on this earth willing to make things easier for us. I have some friends who gave my mom so many frozen meals which have been priceless, a real estate agent who lives up the road stopped in with chocolate covered strawberries the other day. My cousins stop in to visit and help with things, my sister cuts the grass for my parents, they get cards upon cards sent from not only their friends, but some of my friends too. My dad's niece sent a phone card for my parents to use. Do you see? I wasted all of that time and energy above focusing on the negative of ONE person, when all of these other wonderful people are around me. That confirms my "doneness" I stated before. I just need to keep these angels on earth around me. THEY make me feel good. THEY are truly out to help in any way they can. THEY are going to help us through this. THEY are cherished. Thank you Angels. Over and over, thank you.
One thing I wanted to write about was.....I don't even know how to describe it, which is odd. How do I write about it if I can't describe it? Let's give it a try....
Going back 4 years ago when I was diagnosed. So many times I was told how brave I was, what a good attitude I had, how positive I was about everything. I fooled you all. Except for a few people, I didn't let on to how scared I was, or sad I was, or pissed I was. If that weren't the case people would not have been telling me how positive I was. But here's the thing. I did that for you (ok, not specifically you reading this at this exact moment, but "you" meaning the public, those around me etc). Do you think that if I were all mopey that you would want to be around me? Do you think that maybe it might be just a little uncomfortable to hang around me while I sobbed (although that I usually did that in the shower, so I guess in more ways than one that would have been uncomfortable for all involved)? That's right. Sobbed. Heaving, uncontrollable sobbing. Those of us directly dealing with cancer have to keep our emotions under control around everyone else. We have to keep our fears, anger, depression in check so that those around us do not feel uncomfortable. Now, 4 years later, I find myself doing the same thing. If you were to see my mom and I around town, most likely you would have no clue as to the turmoil rumbling around on the inside of both of us. We don't walk around saying poor me, poor me, unless we are safe with you. Then we will unload a little at a time. And THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I would not dream of telling someone how they should appear as they grieve. Only because I know. I would not think to even THINK someone does not appear to care or be worried or sad simply because they are not walking around crying. Ok....off the soapbox I go....most likely onto another one.
We are all exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. And there are so many other factors in play here along with the impending death of my father. The past few weeks have been a stress I have never felt and hope I never have to again. I won't go into many details, but I cannot understand the thought process of some people. For the first time in my life, I have been treated horribly by someone and guess what? I don't care. At all. I got so sick of wondering what the hell this person was thinking, and saying over and over that I don't get it. And of course wondering what I did that was so horrible that I was treated the way I was. Now I know why I don't get it. Because I wouldn't treat others the way that I was treated. I have wasted so much time worrying about what was going to happen next or what hurtful thing was going to be said next, stress just a flowin' through me. Done. It's done, and I am done. I wash my hands of it all, and now I can actually focus on what lies ahead. I can spend my energy on my parents like I should have been. So many times I wanted to say something to this person, but the nastiness, sarcasm, in your face response.....well....to be honest, I couldn't do it. I am not strong enough, especially right now. I am embarrassed to say that. I wish I had it in me, but I don't. Maybe this is an area I need to work on, but really it's only with a few people. But now that I think about it, I really only have a few people in my life who are like that. Thank God for that! Yikes! Couldn't handle much more.
My dad now has a walker, but really he only gets up a few times a day to use the bathroom. I am still fortunate enough to be able to lay next to him in his bed and talk. Nothing really specific, but things that I will treasure. His hospice nurse is going there today so I will be there for that in the afternoon. He had some friends visit last Friday. They took time to drive up here, pay for a hotel room, dinner, gas, etc and my dad was so grateful for that. I thanked them for that, and they said..."There's no way we wouldn't have come." See that? For every dink we have to deal with, there are lots of more angels walking on this earth willing to make things easier for us. I have some friends who gave my mom so many frozen meals which have been priceless, a real estate agent who lives up the road stopped in with chocolate covered strawberries the other day. My cousins stop in to visit and help with things, my sister cuts the grass for my parents, they get cards upon cards sent from not only their friends, but some of my friends too. My dad's niece sent a phone card for my parents to use. Do you see? I wasted all of that time and energy above focusing on the negative of ONE person, when all of these other wonderful people are around me. That confirms my "doneness" I stated before. I just need to keep these angels on earth around me. THEY make me feel good. THEY are truly out to help in any way they can. THEY are going to help us through this. THEY are cherished. Thank you Angels. Over and over, thank you.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Oh Hail No!
These are some pictures of the hail that I collected yesterday, seen next to a quarter. It was quite crazy as this was our first tornado warning of the summer. We had green skies and everything, and while there were only rotations in the clouds, the wind, rain, and hail made for an exciting afternoon.Yesterday was a rough day for my dad. He finally gave in to using the liquid medication which is supposed to bring instant relief to really bad pain. It didn't. It took a couple of doses to get his pain down to a 4. He is spending more and more time in bed, getting up mostly just to use the bathroom. Eating is almost non-existent. We are still able to have good discussions though, and I find that every time I talk with him I learn more about him. I find out more about his thoughts. Thoughts that I didn't know he had going through his head, or things I didn't think that he really pondered. I am not going to list some of the things we have talked about because I feel they are private and something that only I can hold on to. Maybe that is a little selfish, but it is what it is.
Slowly but surely I have had some money trickle in for the Relay for Life. I feel so bad that I have put this off for so long. I think mostly it is because I wonder if he will be around for it. It is a month away, and while there is a possibility he will, there's a pretty good chance he won't also.
I guess that's it for now. Sorry it has taken so long to update, but in all honesty, I have been dragging my feet on writing too. Sigh................
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