Time Flies Like An Arrow, Fruit Flies Like a Banana

That pretty much sums up how random my brain is right now. Nadia is sleeping in my arms and I am absorbing every moment of it I can. In fact, I really have to pee but I really don't want to get out of the recliner.

The thought I had today made me hurt with sorrow. Nadia is now 5. No longer a toddler and almost no longer a preschooler. My days of having those age groups are over. It made me cry to think about.

Tomorrow is my parents 52nd anniversary. Well it would have been, I suppose. I think back 2 years ago when the whole family went to the dells for their 50th. Thank God we did. That was our last family get together. My dad also would have been 73 last weekend. His nameplate has been put on his niche. We went up there on his birthday. Earlier that day I made a picnic in the driveway for the girls. Claire asked if we could have a picnic for his birthday every year.

Dions parents and sister were here this weekend. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. Everything from book clubs to nature's vagina was discussed. Don't ask. We had fun and that's what counts.

Nadia just sat up and said some random things. Just like this post.

She is still fighting a pretty bad cough. One day she will be back to normal.

Ok, my thumb is starting to get sore from the itty bitty phone buttons. We'll catch up again soon. Later!

A Week for the Books

I am happy that this week is over. Done. Fin. Let's start back with Tuesday, shall we?

The whole day Nadia wasn't feeling herself. She wasn't interested in eating anything, and as the day progressed it became apparent that she was getting sick. She ended up throwing up 2 times Tuesday night with 2 cases of the screaming cha chas as well. We stayed home Wednesday and twice she hit the 104 mark for a fever. She had no interest in eating and asked for water to drink. Thursday morning she was still not doing well at all and her tummy was hurting her pretty bad. Nadia is a tough cookie, and for her to be crying because her tummy hurts, means that she was in a lot of pain. I got an appointment that morning with her doctor. They did a strep test, which was negative, and some blood work which showed she was dehydrated. Our options were to go home and try and get fluids into her, or be admitted and start an IV. I chose to go home and try that first, wanted to avoid having her get stuck again.

Five hours later, and 12 oz of apple juice, things were not getting better. We went back in and they admitted her into the hospital. She was the 4th child to be admitted, all for the same thing. This was some nasty virus. They tried 2 times to get the IV going but her little veins were so crappy from lack of fluid. They got it on the 3rd try, thank God. She got 2 and a half bags of fluid, peed twice (she was a dry dry girl!), morphine for her pain, and was better by the next day. I was in her bed with her that night, watching her sleep, gaining a whole new respect for parents who have seriously ill children. I always had a respect, but this shed some extra light on it.

We went home, and had a few rough patches, but today, she is back to her normal self. My body crashed yesterday and I slept for almost 3 hours. Stress is some strong strong stuff.

So, that's what our week was like. Nadia turns 5 on Thursday.....I can hardly believe it. Where does time go?

Me No Like Daylight Savings!

Ugh. Anyone else having problems with daylight savings this year? The girls were just all out of sorts with including, but not limited to, fighting, whining, crying, more fighting, and then a little more crying. Ok. A lot more crying. It was fun for all involved. Except me. Weeeeeeeee!!!!!

My 5 year cancerversary is coming up on the 17th, and Nadia turns 5 on the 19th. My dad's birthday is this month along with my parents anniversary. Talk about a roller coaster ride of emotions! But, like always, we will get through all of this fun stuff.

That's all I've got tonight.

hee hee

It is so fun to use my cell to do stuff like this. Although it is easier to make mistakes using these little tiny buttons. I just spent the last 15 minutes like a horizontal yoyo from claires room to nadias room putting out fires. Ah parenthood. Did I ever tell you about when claire asked me about how babies get into a mommy? That was a fun one. I felt myself getting deeper and deeper into trouble. It went something like this;
Claire: mommy how did you get a baby in you? Me:uhh well there are eggs inside mommies that turn into babies as they get bigger.
Claire: but how do they turn into babies ?
Me: well its kind of like a flower. It starts as an egg and gets a seed and that's what makes it grow.(I thought I was really cleaver when I came up with that until....)
Claire: how does the seed get there?
Me: (oh my lord...really??) well uh daddy has the seeds and gave them to me (am I really saying all of this???)
Claire thinks for a bit.
Claire: wow. That must have taken daddy a long time.
Me: (trying not to laugh) yeah it must have.

She dropped the subject at that point, thank god! I don't think I could have gotten in deeper if I wanted to (no pun intended).

Ok, now my thumbs hurt from all of the little button pushing. That's all for now.

Consin Dells

Just ask the girls where we went for a mini-vacation. The Consin Dells. Which by the way according to them is not the name of the town, but of the water park in general.

We rented a condo with our neighbors, who also have 2 kids. It was truly awesome! The condo rocked, and the kids had a blast. I, although, have to admit, was tired. Case in point;

We were in the wave pool with the kids. I had Claire on top of me in my inner tube, Dion had Nadia. They were quite a bit away from us and Claire wanted me to catch up. Ok. I got the tube facing backwards and used my arms to paddle. And paddle. And paddle. Until.....CRASH!!! A 3 foot wave tossed us back to where we started. Claire got mad at me because I wasn't catching up, and I just about cried when we were hit by another wave. I could have just gotten out of the tube, but what fun would THAT have been?

Anyway, we hit all three water parks, mini golf and the arcade while we were there and agreed that we had to do this every year. I still have my little wrist band on that says "I had a blast at The Wilderness." And you know what? I did.

Last night we met up with Mr & Mrs Smitten Kitten (the recently married couple) and went out to eat and to see 2 comedians. It was a good time. I laughed until I cried a couple times and I enjoyed myself 3 amaretto sours. Mmmmmmmm......but it was all about moderation since those are the drinks that got me in trouble at the Kitten's wedding. That and beer. And maybe a shot or 2. And some wine. Oh hell, never mind, I was just a mess. Anyway, it was wonderful to go out and I was told that I needed to blog more, and get on Facebook more, so here I am. I might even go change my status on Facebook from 2 weeks ago. But I might not too.

Kid Talk

The other day I was taking the girls to get new swimming suits. In the back of the car I heard the following conversation:

Nadia: Girls have to wear suits that cover their breasts.

Claire: Yep, and boys only wear shorts, so you can see their breasts. Why do they have breasts?

Nadia: I can see Daddy's breasts when he has his suit on. They are much smaller than Mommy's.

Claire: Yeah, but Mommy's are hairier (?!?!?!?!).

Nadia: They are not. Daddy has hairy breasts (thank you Nadia).


And that was the conversation about swimming suits. I love kids!

Let's Look on the Bright Side

So for the past oh, 2 hours I have been going backwards in time reading my blog. Seriously, how have you managed to keep reading this thing when I can be so negative?!? So, this here post will be on the positive side, I just have to think of something to write about.....still thinking.....

Holy crap! I really don't have a lot to talk about. But here's a fun fact for you. Have you heard that if you are coughing a lot at night that you can put Vic's Vapor rub on your feet (and then cover with socks or that can be quite messy) and that will help you to stop coughing? I did it last night and slept like a baby. Well, at least like a baby that sleeps well.

Dion is going to be going on a fishing trip with Andy, his college room mate and friend to both of us, this coming summer. They talk every day about it, sometimes even 3 or 4 times a day. There are times when I have to tell him to say goodbye to his other wife so we can get the girls in bed. I found out that Andy's wife says the same thing to him. Can you believe that he turns on fishing shows AND ACTUALLY WATCHES THEM?? I can't. They have been acting this way for the past 3 or so months. Only 6 more to go.

Nadia used to call nipples "nickles". Hee hee.

We listen to SpongeBob songs in the car, and I know most of the words to most of the songs. Sad, huh?

We went bowling today, and to wait for the ball to hit the pins when the girls bowled was so suspenseful. Or is the word painful? Eh. Either one.

Have you ever seen the tv show iCarly? I LOVE IT!!! I laugh out loud and am thankful that the girls enjoy watching it too. Otherwise I would have to watch it by myself and that might be odd. Oh whatever, it's odd either way. But the show is so dang funny!!

Ok. I really need to get out more so I can tell you more stories. That will be my goal. More good stories.

It's All Good

No active Sarcoidosis. Yay! I will have to add my two cents here....I think I am getting a cold/sinus thingy, which may have affected the test results. Anyway, all that was found was a nickle size area on my left lung from where the radiation zapped, burned, destroyed, whatever you want to say.

Anyway, just wanted to let bloggerland know. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers and crossed fingers, etc.

Expect the Unexpected

So maybe this is God's way of letting me know that maybe I should not be so comfortable when it comes to my cancer check ups. I didn't live by my own motto....hope for the best, prepare for the worst. But I suppose in this case it should be prepare for something not quite so pleasant. It's not the worst, as far as we know, so that's something, right?

I had my pulmonary function test this morning, along with blood work. It was kind of a surprise last night that I was having the PF test since I didn't actually read my paperwork until last night. I have had one of these tests every 3 months in the past 6 months. As a reminder, last summer I ended up with bumps on my leg and after having them biopsied found out that it was my Sarcoidosis. Treatable with a cream, which worked well. Since then my oncologist has been following me to make sure there is nothing else going on as far as my Sarcoidosis goes. And up until today, there wasn't. The amount in which I take in oxygen and let out CO2 has dropped by 10% in the past 3 months. What does this mean? We don't know. Yet. My oncologist set me up with a chest x-ray and a chest CT scan, which I had done today. On Friday morning I go back to Mayo to see a Pulmonary specialist to hopefully find out what the heck is going on.

See? Got too sure of myself. So instead of this huge relief and crash from the stress that builds up from my oncology visits, we are still in stress mode.

I know I have a lot of you out there who will be saying prayers and such, and I truly appreciate it. I do ask just one thing, please no comments to the tune of "Everything will be fine", "I'm sure it's nothing", "Don't worry"....yadda yadda yadda. I will not know if everything will be fine, or that it's nothing, or stop worrying until I know what the hell is going on. Until then.......

A Couple Things

First, my mom's surgery has been changed to next month. Her wounds are starting to look at little better. It would help if they were healed a little bit more before surgery. So now it is on March 10th. Yeah for healing wounds!

Next, I forgot to ask for thoughts and prayers for today. D and I are at Mayo for my 6 month check. I am so tired! I was up at a little after 4:30am to get here on time for my first appointment. Now I just want to sleep. Is that so wrong?!?

Anyway, I guess that's it for now, I will let you know how the rest of the day goes later. Hasta la bye bye.

700

This marks my 700th post since I began my blog. 700. An odd thought.

On this 700th post I decided to talk about my friend Wendy. I met her about 5 years ago in the chemo room. She was being treated for colon cancer at age 32, and I was being treated for breast cancer at age 29. We formed a quick bond for obvious reasons, not to mention the fact that we had kids close in age. Her daughter is 6 months old than Nadia, one year younger than Claire.

She worked at one of the hair salons in town, and I started going to her. We would chat about our cancers, and the difficulties with being treated for cancer while having young kids. We talked about the stuff that only another cancer patient would understand. And we did.

I would see Wendy around town, at the pool, at Target, and as time passed she told me about her cancer spreading. I cried in Target for her as she told me that things didn't look good right now for her. She was no longer working, struggling just to take care of her kids and meet their needs.

Wendy passed away this past Friday night, after falling into a brief coma. I went to the wake with the girls tonight. I saw Wendy for the last time, paid my respects and thanked God for ending her pain. It had been a long 5 years for her.

So, here's to you, Wendy, a woman with a smile that could light up any room, a woman who helped me sort out a lot of my feelings, a woman who will be missed. Number 700 is dedicated to you. Peace.

Sniffle....Sniffle....Sniffle

Wah! I had an appointment today to go to the.........dentist. I had planned on using sedation. In fact, I was pretty pumped about not remembering what there were going to do to me. Until I found out that THEY did not plan on me using sedation (ear piercing scream here). So, what did I have done? A flipping root canal!! With no sedation! AHHHH!!!! That was, oh, going on 8 hours ago, and I can just now feel my tongue. I absolutely love my dentist and his staff. They are like little angels here on earth. With that being said, I hate going to the dentist. I have had way too many bad experiences with dental/orthodontic stuff that I don't think I will ever be okay going to the dentist, which is really unfortunate since I really like to visit with all of them there. Sigh. We can't have it both ways I suppose. Now, where's my Advil?

The Need For Speed

Why in the world do I find the need, while passing someone who is going WAY too slow in the fast lane, to look at them? Why must I see who is driving so incredibly slow? In most cases, it's a little old lady or man. Sometimes it is a younger twenty something person who must just be thinking so hard that their car cannot go the speed limit. Either way, I feel the need to look. They never look back. Why? Why don't you people look back so you can see the annoyance in my face? Just once. That's all I ask. And yes, I know I am admitting to passing in a no passing lane, but really, what other choice do I have?

My Mom

When my dad was diagnosed last year, my mom put her own medical issues to the side to help my dad through his. It was very noble of her, if you know what she has been going through. If you don't, I am here to tell you, as she is rather modest.

Two years ago my mom had a bowel re-sectioning due to diverticulitis. The surgery went ok, but she ended up getting a would infection and was placed in a nursing home for I think it was about 3 weeks. She had to endure a lot of painful things while trying to get the wound to heal up. I kid you not when I say that it was at least four inches long, and at least an inch and a half to two inches deep. It had to be packed and eventually they put a wound vac to suck out all of the naughty fluid. Imagine having an open wound and someone putting the hose part of a vacuum on it. She dealt with that for quite some time. In the meantime, she popped another hernia in the area where the wound was. The doctors did not want to touch it until the wound healed. Well, the bigger the hernia got, the more her "new" skin ripped open. It never had a chance to heal with the ever growing hernia. Fast forward two years and here we are. I go to the doctor with her about every 3 weeks to make sure that there is no infection and to check all of the open sores on her belly. She looks as if she is carrying a basketball a little off to the side of her belly. It's huge.

We came to an overpass and she decided that she can no longer continue day to day in this way. She has decided to have surgery to try and repair the hernia. Because she has a high risk of infection, due to the open sores, the doctors are going to use a mesh made from collagen. They will have to piece together a couple of them since they don't come big enough to cover her hernia. There is also another risk dealing with her intestines. If they are pressed up against the wall of her abdomen, they doctors run a risk of tearing them while trying to remove them from the skin. Think of it like Velcro. It's very similar.

Nothing is certain until the doctors can get in there and look around a little. She will have all three surgeons on her case. I have a lot of faith in them and their work as two of the three have worked on me in the past. But the thing to be certain of is this, she is a high risk patient. There's a chance she won't make it through. There's a chance she will be ok. What does one say to that? Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

It will be a major major surgery, and the recovery will be hellish. They are expecting her to be in the hospital for may a week and a half. If things go ok, she will go home to recover. If there are some complications, she will go back to the nursing home. If there are major complications, she will go to the cities to a specialized center. She could be there for months.

So, that is what is going on in our family now a days. Her surgery is scheduled for Feb 17th. Of course, I will update on my blog. Say some strong strong prayers please. As always, thank you.

Just So You Know

As I am sitting here at my computer, it is -20 degrees outside. Actual temp. I am afraid to think of what the windchill might be. -20! I have to say it again, -20! That seems sick and wrong. It is so cold that school was canceled for tomorrow 4 hours ago! So let's think all of this out......

Monday: We had an early release day. Too much snow.
Tuesday: We had a late start day. Lots of icy patches, along with too much snow.
Wednesday: We had a FULL day of school! Sha-zam!
Thursday: No school. Too cold. Way too cold.

I can hardly see what Friday will bring us. What a crazy week this has been!

***Just checked the windchill. It's only -30. ***

My New Toy

So Dion got me a Canon Rebel XS for Christmas, and I LOVE IT!! I have started up another blog that will consist mostly of photos......

http://www.adifferentpov.blogspot.com/

I have gotten some pictures put onto a disk, so now I can upload them to my blog(s). Enjoy!

Grrrrrrr!

I can't figure out how to get my pictures from my new camera onto the computer! The camera came with some disks, but alas, I can't figure them out!

On the same note, I am trying to find a place where I can get inexpensive photography supplies. If you know of any (besides eBay, which I am constantly looking at), let me know. I am looking for lights and backdrops, mostly.

I haven't been working my second job with disabled adults because classes won't start up again for them until February. I miss it. Which is good. It's something to look forward to.

I got my hair cut. Now there's some exciting news.

I have been going to my mom's doctor appointments with her for her hernia that has grown into what looks like my mom is carrying a baby....off to the side. Next week we are going to meet again with Beth (the surgeon) to get any questions we may have answered and talk more about the upcoming surgery, which is going to be massive. I believe all three surgeons are going to work on her, trying to get her intestines back where they belong. There are a lot of risks to this surgery, mostly due to the fact that she still has open wounds from her last surgery 2 years ago. When she had her bowel resection, she developed a wound infection. Soon after a hernia (the one mentioned above) formed and because it just gets bigger and bigger, it keeps tearing open her skin on her abdomen. Hence her open wounds. She is in a lot of pain, more often than not. All of this got put on hold when my dad was diagnosed a year ago, and now here we are with a lot to think over. If everything were to go perfectly for the surgery, she would be in the hospital 5-7 days. If there are complications, obviously it could be longer. Beth warned that it may well even be months. There is a very high risk of infection, which makes the risk of death higher too. But, the way she is living day to day now, just is not a good quality of life. Enough on that. I will tell more after the next appointment.

Dion and I are going out to eat with Mr & Mrs. Smitten Kitten tomorrow night. Yay for going out to eat with adults and not eating at McDonald's! No offense, Ronald, but one can only stand so much of that food, not to mention the sometimes crappy toys they hand out which I normally just end up stepping on and cursing anyway.

Ok, I am signing out for now.

Happy New Year

2009. Wow. Sometimes there are things that trigger memories, and it really feels like that event happened just months ago. Until I realize that 6 years have passed. Or 10 years. Or even 15. We are always told have fast time goes by, and for some reason, we never really believe it. That is, until we look back and see that in fact, it really does.

There are so many memory triggers that take me back to different times. The other night I went out with some friends to a bar (that in itself can trigger memories). And living in a small town, I have learned that around every corner there is someone I know. And who do I see at the bar, but my ob nurse when Nadia was born with her husband, daughter, and who I assume to be her daughter's boyfriend/husband. I walked over to where she was and grabbed her arm. We hugged and I was thrown back into the memories of when Nadia was born, and everything else that surrounded it. We laughed about how it had been almost 5 years since she helped me through my labor. 5 years. She was meant to be my nurse that night. At one point in her career she worked in oncology. I had been diagnosed with breast cancer the day before I met her. She gave me tips for surviving through chemo. For those few days, she made everything alright. After she found out Nadia's name, she came back into my room with a baby name book in her hand, yelling, "Nadia's name means HOPE!" What a ray of sunshine on my turned upside down world.

When she left the bar that night, she came over to me and said that she was so happy that I was almost to the 5 year mark, and that she would never forget me. I will go to my grave forever grateful to her for all she did for me those few days, and I will never forget her either.

I got my hair cut the other day, and I was talking to the stylist about all of my radical hair changes. My mind went back to a picture I have somewhere of me sitting on the floor with our dog. My hair was bone straight and went down to probably about my naval. I can't imagine having hair that long now. Not because I wouldn't want it, but because, well actually, I don't know why. Weird.

Amalia asked me to post on how I am doing. To be honest, I really don't know. There are days that I just want to be alone, which is hardly ever possible. There are days that are fine. There are times, like last night at our neighbor's house, where I am just living in the moment and having a good time. I have no clue what I am supposed to be doing, or feeling for that matter. I do feel like I am at a standstill. Kind of stuck on Tuesday, when all you want is for it to be Wednesday, hump day. Like I have gotten through some emotions, but can't get moving on others. Blah blah blah. I seem to be going in circles.

January marks the year anniversary of when my dad was diagnosed. A year. I don't know how last year slipped through my fingers so fast. I go back through my memories of the talks that my dad and I had, and how special they are to me now (well, then too). I can look back at doing what I could to help my parents, and I am satisfied. I have no regrets, but of course not having more time. I still had to work and keep up with my family at home, but I know that I did what I could. There are of course so not-so-fond memories....(STOP READING NOW IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW OF ANY DETAILS OF WHAT CANCER DID TO MY DAD!!!!)the bruises and cuts from when he was too stubborn to let people help him and he fell, picking him up and getting him into the hospital bed, the bleeding mouth sores, his pain, seeing his watch go from fitting his wrist to being able to slide down his arm, his skin becoming a different shade, his legs and feet swelling to the point of being shinny and just out of proportion to the rest of him. His hair got greyer as time passed, and had thinned when he did chemo. His belly got huge, but then started to go down, and down, and down. You could count all of his ribs, and his clavicle stuck out like someone from a concentration camp. I watched his cheeks sink in, turning him into someone that I would not have recognized.

When going to Mayo he would have to sit in the back with the seats reclined to take the pressure off of his bloated belly. The last time I held his hand was after he died. The time before that was after his last appointment at Mayo, in the parking ramp. What a horrible day that was. The cancer had returned, there was nothing left to do. I remember starting to tear up in the doctor's office. Then the tears wouldn't stop. The doctor said we could stay back in the room as long as we needed to, but I knew that my reaction was not going to change. I pushed my dad's wheelchair, tears streaming down my face. Of course, when you come out of the back into the waiting room of the oncology department crying, everyone knows. We went over to the elevators and while I was standing behind my dad, I could see his lip quivering. My dad. My powerful, strong dad was facing something he could not win. And there was nothing we could do to change it. I held his hand in the parking lot as we walked to the car. It was so warm and soft. His hand were always soft. After getting home, I just drove around town for over an hour. Getting no where fast.

Some of the things I wrote are things I haven't talked to anyone about before. Just memories buried in my mind, not really wanting to surface. I watched my dad die a slow and painful death. But now, there are times when I feel him around me. And when I have those feelings, he is not the sick man I last saw, he is the captain of his boat, smiling with both his mouth and eyes.

And that, is what gets me through.

Wow

I guess it has been a while since I last posted. The holidays bring a mixture of emotions, and sometimes it is hard to have all of those feelings bouncing around my head, knocking in to each other. One emotion going this way, one emotion going that way, and then out of no where, another emotion rams into the other two creating this massive blob of nothingness.

It doesn't make a lot of sense. But again, not many things do.

Potty Talk

You know it's a good day when you hear this from the TV......

"And Robbie Knievil is following in his dad's skid marks"

Oh. My. Lord.