Sunday, March 21, 2010

I Just Can't Stop

All day I have been thinking of my friend Fran and what she and her family are going through. What kind of a deal is it to almost make it to the 5 year mark and have cancer slap you in the face? It's not fair. It's not right. It sucks.

And with these thoughts I cannot help but think of if I were in that situation. My poor family. I don't know how I would be able to stand the thought of leaving them. The thought of my girls growing up without a mother. The thought of my husband trying to raise them alone. I have spent a bit of time today crying about these thoughts. Crying about what Fran is dealing with. Angry that all of this is happening.

The odd thing is that Fran and I have never met. We met through blogland. I found her blog while looking for other breast cancer survivors, and our stories were similar. I have learned through this though that you do not need to meet a fellow breast cancer survivor in person to build a relationship. We build these relationships through reading and writing. We build these relationship complaining about what we are going through. We understand each other simply by being able to relate in areas others just can't.

My heart has been aching all day over this, and I'm sure there is more to come. Fran and Ed had just adopted a beautiful little girl making them a family of four. How does this happen? And why to such good people? Something Fran had said was that she knew God would take care of her either way. Either here or earth, or in heaven. That either way, she wins. Oh to have that strength. I have been going through her blog, back to the beginning. Reading, crying, smiling, crying some more. I just can't stop.


kj said...

I've been thinking a lot about your friend, too, even though I had never read her blog (until yesterday). It really got me thinking about you and how you really never can completely forget about the cancer or get too comfortable thinking it won't come back. I can't imagine you having to go through that again or what it would do to your family if it came back as aggressively as it seems to have for your friend. Even with my own cancer, I don't really worry about it coming back, and if it did, I really don't believe I would die from it, so I think it's a little easier for me to deal with that, but this really makes it hit home. I'll say an extra prayer for both of you!

shmoo said...

I do not wish to push my views upon you and i hope that it doesn't offend you, but buddhism teaches of a life of suffering and happiness - the suffering is essential in order for the soul to eventually reach enligtenment and live out a peaceful and harmonious existence. I too have lost someone i loved very dearly to cancer, and it helped me to think that death (although, unfortunately it is often cruel) is a natural way of life, and that person will stop physically living in this realm, but this is just one stage of the journey.x