These Hours

I don't know why I chose these hours at night to start a thought process. Maybe it's the fact that the kids are asleep, Dion is asleep, and all I hear are the sounds of my fingers hitting the keyboard and an occasional animal licking themselves.

Anyway, I am still suffering a little after effects from my test on Friday. I am hoping they pass by tomorrow as I have a lot I need to get done for the holiday. As a side note, I did tell my doctor during the procedure that she was killing me. She wasn't, it just that I'm such a wuss.

Ok, onto a topic that has been keeping me up at night, thinking, wondering, praying. There is a high probability that my father in law has prostate cancer. He has not had a biopsy done, this is just from blood work he had done. I don't think he is going to have a biopsy done. I don't think he is going to do anything about this issue that has come up. What I do know is that we, his family, are having a hard time with this whole situation. As a cancer club member, I am at a loss for words. I cannot wrap my brain around the idea that someone might have cancer, and that they are refusing to do anything (ANYTHING) about it. You know, if he had the biopsy done and decided he didn't want treatment then there's not much we can do about that. But the fact that he is contemplating not even getting a biopsy just blows me out of the water. This is important information for his kids to have. For my husband to have. He has given the excuse that it's a ploy for the doctors to get money out of him, and that he could get an infection from having a biopsy, but Oh. My. God.

What he doesn't seem to understand, dare I say care, about is what this is doing to his family. He said he is going to drink some type of special tea. Tea. And that is going to take care of everything. I look back 5 years ago when my club membership started, and I cannot fathom NOT doing whatever I had to do to live through it. I had kids, a husband, family, that I owed at least trying to make it out alive for. And I did do everything, but one thing that even my oncologist did not recommend.

Every once in a while my girls will sit holding their picture of my dad, crying, telling me how much they miss him. To lose another Grandpa, so soon, would be.....sigh.

Again, this is his right, but that doesn't make it right. It makes it unfair to the rest of us. Maybe we are the ones being selfish, but I don't think so. I think a lot about my dad and the days leading up to his death. Wiping the blood from his mouth from the sores, laying next to him, crying together, picking him up to transfer him to a hospital bed. I see his abdomen bloating from the cancer, I see his eyes sinking deeper into his head, I see him losing the ability to communicate, to go to the bathroom, to show us the sparkle in his blue eyes. So yes, maybe I am being selfish as to not wanting to have to go through cancer taking away another person. And maybe I shouldn't even be writing about this since everything is so hush hush in that family. And maybe, hopefully soon, I will stop being pissed at what he is doing, or not doing, and just accept it for what it is.

But I just don't get it. I guess time will tell as to what is going to happen.