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Thursday, December 17, 2009

It's Prep Day Baby

And if you can't believe that the 5 years has passed since my colonoscopy, just ask my toilet. It will not lie to you that I have been a frequent visitor. So tonight I thought we would walk down the road of "A Day in the Life of Prep". Or should I say, run down the road, because once the prep kicks in, you better be able to move fast.

It all starts with an innocent enough looking bottle of white powder and a prescription bottle containing 4 tiny pills. But since I have done this before, I know better. I know the evil contained in those bottles. I have been dreading this day (and the next) for about 4 years. So if you have never had one of these tests, let me tell you about it.

It started with me mixing the evil into an orange flavored drink whose name has something to do with gators. You can't have red or grape (the best flavors of course) so that left lime (vomit) or orange. I have heard there is a clear watermelon kind, but I didn't find that at a store who name has something to do with what you aim at. Orange it is. I mixed the 64 ounces, and put half in the fridge to sip on tomorrow. That's right, I have a later appointment tomorrow so I get to drink this junk two days in a row.

The rules state that you are to drink 8 oz every 15 minutes until the 32 oz are gone. Doesn't seem too hard I know, but by the end I feared that it was going to come back up, defeating the whole purpose. But it stayed. I even had my lunch of chicken water, and that stayed in me too. After drinking the pure evil, I had to take the four little tiny pills. Looking at them, they don't seem dangerous. They. Don't. Seem. Everything was going well, I felt ok, and then it started. Gurgle. Gurgle. Hmmm. It would appear that my stomach is not happy with the contents. Correction. My stomach was ok, I think it had something to do with my intestines not being happy. Gurgle. Oh oh. Time to make a run for the border. Run! Run damn it! Now if I were a rocket, I would be in space right now. The sheer force of the expelled liquid seriously could launch a person. And just when you think you can't possibly have any more liquid you in, you go again. So that was the first of many times running for the pot. I am very glad that I purchased the flushable wipes. If you remember anything about this, remember that. Do not forget the wipes! You will thank me for it. I promise. Anyway, I am doing ok right now, although I will have to run soon. I am dreading starting this again tomorrow at 6am. That just doesn't seem right.

I am torn at what is worse, doing it all in one day where the launching experience is way more propelling, or splitting it so you have smaller launches for 2 days. I really don't know. I am not looking forward to the IV tomorrow, with all of mt scar tissue in my hand, but I am all for the twilight drugs they give you so as not to remember the whole experience. So here's to a clean colonoscopy, in more ways than one.

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