Today Is Like This....

First of all I have to tell you that we got another 4-6 inches of snow yesterday...another snow day for the schools.

Second, you should know that Claire and Nadia's day care provider who had a lump removed, received good news. It was a cyst....thank you God!!

Ok, now on to me. I have been thinking about today all week, and oddly enough, I seem to be floating in this void of blackness, more so than last year. So I have been thinking, wondering why this year seems to be harder for me than last year, and I haven't figured it out yet, so maybe on this writing journey, I will stumble across something that makes a little light bulb go off in my tired head.

There are parts of me that feel like I should be celebrating, thanking the heavens that I am around another year, thanking them for all that I have learned, all of the people I have met, for all of the changes cancer has brought to me. And I guess I do that every day, one way or another, but my cancerversary has kind of let me down. Sort of like how I feel about my birthday in the past few years. I feel excited as though something magical is going to happen, until the day arrives, and it is just another day where I am either working, or in the case of the past few years, going to Mayo, or taking care of the kids.

I don't really know what I am expecting to have happen, or why I am expecting something to happen, but I am left sitting here, questioning why I am feeling the way I am feeling. It's been two years since I heard, "We've found some cancer in there". I guess I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop, to hear those words again, to just get it over with. My cancerversary. What does that mean to me? Where to start....

The day my life changed forever
The day that I held onto my pregnant belly, hoping I had not damaged her
The day I was so afraid of my kids growing up without a mom
The day that I felt so much sadness for Dion, so much guilt, what had I done to him?
The day time seemed to literally go tick tick tick in a loud drum-like fashion
The day that I dreaded to go home and tell my mom of what was to come
The day that I learned who was in it for the long haul
The day that I learned exactly how strong the people around me were
The day I learned how strong I was
The day that I vowed to fight like hell
The day that I began meeting incredible people
The day that I began seeing myself in a different light
The day that started my new life

So, after all of this writing, I still haven't really sorted out my emotions for the day. I would like to have fireworks, loud music, maybe a little beer, everyone cheering for me, balloons (just not close to me), and a little piece of paper that when I open it says this about a recurrence,

"Yes you will"

or

"No you won't"

Is that so much to ask for?

Ok, back to realty, I have to finish cleaning and cooking since we have a little girl turning two this weekend, and a party to throw. So, let me be the first to say to myself, "Happy Cancerversary, here's to many more."