Up Down Up Down Up Down

That is how my day has gone. I was pretty busy this morning with the kids, I had to open at work, which means that I had to be there by 6:00AM and then I spent an hour or so getting these holiday pails together for the kids. Then as the kids slowly made their way in, I got even more busy, which is good. Busy is good. Then the kids went to school, and things slowed down a little for me, and I honestly don't know what happened. I just became almost overwhelmed with emotions that were really not going in any particular direction. I was sitting in our van at the gas station, waiting for the tank to fill, odd thoughts going through my mind, and I felt a tingley sensation go through my body. I heard the click of the pump, the tank was full, but it was as though I was unable to move. I just sat there for probably 2-3 minutes, which doesn't seem like a long time, but it kind of is, until finally I figured I had better get my butt out of the van before they call the guys with the white coats and they drag me out. I went inside, paid for the gas, and went back to the van.

I don't know. One minute I am laughing, the next, I want to just curl up into a ball and cry. It's been almost 2 years since I was diagnosed, 2 years of treatments, and I am still having a hard time accepting the fact that things will never be the same for us again. I am still trying to get used to the idea that not every ache and pain is from cancer. I am still trying to grasp the fact that I am alive, while others are losing their battles. I am trying not to drown in a pink riddled sea of fear, but some days, I really need a life saver thrown to me. I try to remind myself that I am very lucky, that things could have been so much worse. So much more painful. So much more despairing.

I am looking forward to the day that instead of dwelling on what has happened, it becomes a faint memory, a blip in my life that made me slow down. A pink speed bump, if you will. Is that possible? I have no clue. I have been told that it is, but......

So with the holidays approaching, I find myself having way too much to do. We have Dion's family coming in starting tomorrow night. Some are staying with us, others are in a motel. We have lots of food to cook, lots of wine to drink, lots of smiles to share. I am hoping this weekend will be an "up".