It keeps burning at both ends for me. I find myself some days in a whirlwind that doesn't stop until I lay down. But a positive in that is I no longer am on sleeping pills, so I guess that's good.
Tomorrow I am working my 12 hour day, and am actually kind of excited to be with the kids the day before Winter Break. That's right folks, it's WINTER Break, not Christmas Break, not Holiday Break, not Santa Clause Break, (ok I don't think the last one really is an option, but it's a fun thought, isn't it?). Anyway, I want to send the kids off in a good way so I have some planning to do.
Did I mention that I wrapped 107 presents this year? 107!! Come to find out that both Dion and I were buying gifts for the same people without knowing it, and well, you can figure out the rest. Ho ho ho.....just call us Santa(s). Speaking of Santa, we watched the movie Elf this past week, and while we both had doubts going into it, I think it will become a cult film of some sort. It was darn funny, starting with the Keebler Tree that caught on fire from baking cookies. Really, you should watch it. Dumb humor, but with a tender heart.
So yesterday was a Mayo treatment day, and I found myself close to tears a few times. Besides my port being touchy and not wanting to work, I met some new people. It's odd how I go every week and sometimes see the same people over and over. They treat well over 100 people each day, and yet I can see the same people each week. Anyway, I met a lady who went into the doctor for what she thought was acid reflux last Thursday. After tests, etc, by Friday she was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer that had spread to her liver. Stage 4. It's so unfair. There's almost not even a chance to try and fight the disease. But, she was there for her first chemo, and I could tell just by talking to her that she had a wall up, unable to accept the hand that had been dealt to her. Who the hell would want to? But, as she said, her daughter is getting married in the spring and she plans on being here for it. I hope she is, for everyone's sake. When I asked her what her demon was (what kind of cancer) I meant it. Cancer is a demon. I don't know how else to put it.
So, the demon....I have talked before about my co-workers daughter's pancreatic cancer. Things are not looking too good right now. I pray that she makes it through the holidays, and that her family is given the strength they need. I just....I don't know, I tend to shake my head a lot and say it's not fair. It's not fair to watch someone watch their child die. It's not fair that she is leaving behind 2 kids. It's not fair that the family has to deal with idiots along with trying to deal with this tragedy. I really want to just grab some people, shake them, and tell them to get the hell out of their lives. This family is dealing with so much, they don't need any added stress. I feel so helpless, I don't know what to do for them. We all know that no matter what, the outcome will be the same. The question really should be, how do we (we, meaning anyone involved in her life)make this as painless as possible for Annette and her kids. Painless. That's a joke. There is so much pain swimming around in that ocean, that the biggest fish net could not contain it. Ugh. I find myself thinking about Annette and her family often, and I always end up holding my head in my hands, hoping for a miracle, but in my heart, knowing it won't happen. Losing my faith? No, but there comes a time when you have to be realistic, and as hard as that is, we are at that point. My body hurts with sorrow when I think about them. I just want to help, but I know there is nothing I can do at this point, and it sucks. I want to be able to take the look of pain off of my friend's face and lighten her heart. I want to hug the kids and tell them that it will be ok, but it won't. I want to give all that I can, but I don't know where to start. I am hoping to go over to Annette's home tomorrow, just to be there, but I don't know if I have anything to offer her. And I guarantee that if Annette is awake and coherent, she will ask me how I am doing, and sympathize with me if I say anything negative going on in my life. That's just how she is. Her concern for others is overwhelming, and honestly, there are a few people out there who could take some lessons from her.
Ok, I have a stinky stinky child in need of my care. One day that candle will just have one wick.....
No comments:
Post a Comment