The First and the Last

The following might make some people uncomfortable, but since this is my blog, and it's about how I feel, I am going to write it, not out of spite or anger, but because I need to.

The title of this entry basically says it all. I ended my post yesterday saying,

"Let me be the first to say to myself, Happy Cancerversary. Here's to many more."

I was the first, and the last person to say this to me. My two years of struggle, pain, tears, fear, hopelessness, accomplishments, and goals went unnoticed. I shouldn't say that, they have been noticed, but it would have been nice if yesterday, even if it were one person, said something like,

"Wow, it's been quite a ride, huh?"

Why is this such a big thing for me? I have no clue. Why do I feel so sad about it? Again, no idea. All I know is that I just do. But, that day is gone, and now it's time to celebrate my baby. She will be two tomorrow, but her party is today. We have a nice size group coming over, a little under 20 or so, I think, and there's still lots to do.

So, I am rolling up my sleeves, and getting down to business. Today is a new day, with the hopes of another one right around the corner. Life is good, please don't take this entry as woe is me, life sucks, blah blah blah, because it doesn't. Most of the time. I have been blessed with many wonderful people in my lives, a lot of which will be here today, and that is what is important.

Now, let's eat some cake!

Today Is Like This....

First of all I have to tell you that we got another 4-6 inches of snow yesterday...another snow day for the schools.

Second, you should know that Claire and Nadia's day care provider who had a lump removed, received good news. It was a cyst....thank you God!!

Ok, now on to me. I have been thinking about today all week, and oddly enough, I seem to be floating in this void of blackness, more so than last year. So I have been thinking, wondering why this year seems to be harder for me than last year, and I haven't figured it out yet, so maybe on this writing journey, I will stumble across something that makes a little light bulb go off in my tired head.

There are parts of me that feel like I should be celebrating, thanking the heavens that I am around another year, thanking them for all that I have learned, all of the people I have met, for all of the changes cancer has brought to me. And I guess I do that every day, one way or another, but my cancerversary has kind of let me down. Sort of like how I feel about my birthday in the past few years. I feel excited as though something magical is going to happen, until the day arrives, and it is just another day where I am either working, or in the case of the past few years, going to Mayo, or taking care of the kids.

I don't really know what I am expecting to have happen, or why I am expecting something to happen, but I am left sitting here, questioning why I am feeling the way I am feeling. It's been two years since I heard, "We've found some cancer in there". I guess I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop, to hear those words again, to just get it over with. My cancerversary. What does that mean to me? Where to start....

The day my life changed forever
The day that I held onto my pregnant belly, hoping I had not damaged her
The day I was so afraid of my kids growing up without a mom
The day that I felt so much sadness for Dion, so much guilt, what had I done to him?
The day time seemed to literally go tick tick tick in a loud drum-like fashion
The day that I dreaded to go home and tell my mom of what was to come
The day that I learned who was in it for the long haul
The day that I learned exactly how strong the people around me were
The day I learned how strong I was
The day that I vowed to fight like hell
The day that I began meeting incredible people
The day that I began seeing myself in a different light
The day that started my new life

So, after all of this writing, I still haven't really sorted out my emotions for the day. I would like to have fireworks, loud music, maybe a little beer, everyone cheering for me, balloons (just not close to me), and a little piece of paper that when I open it says this about a recurrence,

"Yes you will"

or

"No you won't"

Is that so much to ask for?

Ok, back to realty, I have to finish cleaning and cooking since we have a little girl turning two this weekend, and a party to throw. So, let me be the first to say to myself, "Happy Cancerversary, here's to many more."

Good Old March

I am here to go on record that I was right. We did NOT get 6-8 inches of snow yesterday. We got 12-18 inches. I have never missed work due to weather. I have gone home early, but I have never not been able to get to work. Until yesterday. I gunned the minivan out of the driveway and proceeded to get stuck in the street. That was the end of that. Claire asked why the van was broken. So there I was, hauling the girls back into the house for a snow day.

Dion had called a little after 7AM to tell me he was stuck but a guy was helping him shovel his way out. That was the last I heard from him, until 4 hours later. Keep in mind, I had our scanner on listening for crashes, which I heard plenty of, but also heard that they had closed some roads in town (which were the roads that Dion would have been on). I called his work to see if they had heard from him. Nope. Great. I got a glimpse of the helpless feelings that I am sure Dion has had watching me go through treatments and surgeries. I could look out the window and see my van right there, but I could do nothing. I couldn't go look for him, I couldn't contact him, I had no idea if he was ok or in a ditch or just diving blind in the often white out conditions. I felt useless, helpless, and scared.

He walked through the door a little over four hours after I first talked to him. WOOOSH! In case you didn't know, that is the sound relief makes when it hits your body. He was soaked literally head to toe, freezing, and had to walk from the end of our street since they hadn't plowed our road yet and the car couldn't make it through. What an adventure. I will put this part in because I think this guy will have his payback any time now...a guy pulled over to help Dion and said,

"Money talks, bullsh*t walks." And after a half hearted attempt to help Dion, he left. What a wonderful person. Someone whose parents are very proud of, I'm sure. Idiot.

So that was our day yesterday. I was lucky enough to have our neighbor snow blow me out of the street before the plows came. I have to admit that I did burn some rubber, only after the insistence of my neighbor....

"Gun it like you mean it!!!!"

Yikes! Ok! I think I wore off a layer of my tires. So, I am getting ready to go to treatment (7 weeks left!!) and hopefully the roads won't be too bad. It's sunny out now, so maybe a lot of the ice melted. In any case, I don't really want to go out today, but I must. Then I have to get ready for Nadia's birthday party this weekend. Two years old......where did my baby go?

All in one day....yikes

Today?

I can look outside from where I sit and I see the sun shining bright, a little amount of snow left over, and really just a pretty day all around. So I have to wonder when they say on Weather Bug that we are going to get 6-9 inches of snow today/tonight. How could that be true? I will let you know either way what has happened.

We were VERY lucky when we found our day care provider. She was actually the first place that we interviewed when I was pregnant with Claire. We knew she was the one we were going to entrust with our little girl. Now, over three years later, and lots of health ups and downs for both of us, she is going in to have a lump removed. Yikes....here we go again. She is in our thoughts and prayers that it is nothing. I will keep you posted on that too.

Now I have to end this fast because I have Thing 1 and Thing 2 trying to pull some fast ones. More to come.....

I painted the dining room when Dion was out of town...tah dah!

Super Stars Get it Too

You may or may not have seen in the news that Sheryl Crow has joined the sister club of breast cancer. Here's a little something about her diagnosis.....

"Sheryl Crow underwent successful minimally invasive surgery for breast cancer on Wednesday February 22nd. Her doctors confirm her prognosis as excellent and she will receive radiation treatment as a precaution. "

Wow. It sounds as though Sheryl should be skipping down the road, singing a little ditty about how great life is. So what is wrong with the rest of us sisters who obsess about cancer and it's return? Why are we so weak and these super stars are so strong? Because folks, the reality is this, we live in a "feel good" world. We need for everyone to feel good about everything, and how can we do that when we are looking cancer in the face, except to downplay it and pretend that life is a bowl of cherries. I am guilty of it too. I said to a friend yesterday that if I showed on the outside how I felt on the inside, no one would want to be around me.

"But you feel good, right?"

Ugh. I am so tired of that phrase. I felt good when I had three tumors in me too. Let's break this down a little bit, shall we? "But you feel good, right?" Do I feel good.....hmm...let's see....

*I see myself everyday, my body looks like a road map. Yep, I feel good about that...check.

*I have been (and still am) going through treatments for about 2 years. Yep, that's
wonderful....check.

*I may or may not have a mutated breast cancer gene which would give me insight on
future cancers, but insurance won't pay the $3000 it costs for the test. Yep, that's a warm
fuzzy..check.

*All it takes is for that one little cancer cell left behind from treatment to wake up and start this
all over again, a fear that I have to live with the rest of my life. Yep, that's a GREAT
feeling...check.

*The thought that I have put my kids at risk, I have passed on my blue eyes, my long legs, and
my cancer. Yep, I sleep well at night thinking about that...check.

*The thought that all of the treatment I have, and am, receiving can cause a totally different cancer. Yep, that's uplifting....check.

*Do we really want to dive into the thoughts of a woman who has lost both breasts? Yep, that's
an upper.....check.

I could go on and on. I guess the point of my rants and raves is that the media makes it seem like breast cancer is an easy disease to beat, and once you are done with treatment, life is back to normal. Just when I think I am at a point where I feel ok about everything my body has been through, something happens and it throws me not back to square one, but more like to square three. Just when I think I have a handle on cancer, it squeezes tighter around me.

I am going to a retreat in April for breast cancer survivors under the age of 40 (thanks to Beth). And to be honest I have a lot of mixed emotions about it. I am scared, excited, nervous, thrilled, sad, and happy, all at the same time. But I am determined to learn new things and have a good time.

But I have to close because of course it's Tuesday, and I have to go to Mayo for frickin frack treatment. Treatment treatment treatment cancer treatment.

Him Is A English Majur

Oh Dion....I know I am pretty safe in telling this story since Dion just read my blog not too long ago. A little history...

Dion and I met at Carthage College. We had quite a few classes together since we were both ENGLISH majors. That's all the history you will need.

I usually only get to hear this in the fall, but this was a special treat on that cold blustery day. And I have to add that I laugh at him every year for making the following mistake. Every year.


"blah blah blah blah and the leafs blah blah blah." Said Dion (I should note here that I only put the blah blah blah's in because I could not remember all of the conversation, just that he talked about the leafs).

Now, you should know that every year he blames the fact that he says leafs on the Toronto Maple Leafs. It is their fault that Dion cannot say leaves, which makes me laugh harder, to which for the first time ever, Dion said....

"Shut up! I don't have problem with other plurals!"

HE DON"T HAVE PROBLEM!!! I about peed my pants! You can't make stuff like this up! But what you should do the next time you talk to Dion, is bring up the Toronto Maple Leafs, and then get him talking about leaves on a tree and see what happens. I tell Dion all the time he is smarter than I am, but when he talks about leafs, I feel like Einstein. Dion rocks!

The Dreaded Words I Didn't Mind Hearing

"I told you so"


That was what was said to me by my friend, my doctor, Beth. The port is not cracked, the tubing is kinked. Of course it is! That is the reason I have to lay in odd positions to get the port to infuse at all. Holy smokes! 12 more treatments to go.3 months. Mark this date on your calendar.....May 9th. That's my last treatment. I told Beth I would be in on May 10th to have the port removed. We are still "discussing" that issue. The saga continues.

So I am reading a new book that I really have to tell you about. There may be someone in your life (besides me) who has been caught by the breast cancer demon, and maybe you are thinking that you really want to understand everything that they are going through, but you can't, which makes sense, unless you have been through it. I have read books about detection, treatment, coping, surviving, and boobs in general. Then I found this one. As I am getting closer to the end of my treatment, I also know what I am getting closer to based on previous experiences. Fear. Anxiety. Let down. Sadness.

That doesn't make much sense to you, does it? Here's the thing, there is so much good information out there about breast cancer, but a limited amount about how life is once treatment is over. But I found this book....

After Breast Cancer by Hester Hill Schnipper

She was a breast cancer social worker before being diagnosed, so she knows her stuff. I am 60 pages in, and I have high lighted similar feelings/thoughts I have had in this whole experience and I am floored at how accurate, for me, that this book reads.

Anyway, this is as close as I can get to helping anyone who has not lived it, understand it. It's a good book, so even if it's not something you want to read, if you have someone who is coming close to the end of their treatments, give it to them. They will thank you for it.

So Here's the Thing

Well, I guess there's not really one thing when it comes to this post, but you don't mind that I put that for the title, do you? Do you? Do you mind? I didn't think you would. Anyway, Mayo-land was an adventure, like always. What would a trip to Rochester be, if not exciting? The morning started out fun from the get go. It was snowing pretty hard here in Red Wing, so Dion and I thought we would leave a little early as to not be late. That in itself is kind of a joke since we always ended up waiting to get in to see the doctor anyway. So we leave. The roads are crappy, but then all of a sudden, the snow stops and it's easy driving to Rochester. So easy that we ended up being over a half an hour early. Great, Now instead of sitting there for 20 minutes to get in to see the oncologist, we'll sit 40 minutes. But I was wrong. We actually got called back pretty quick.

Now I have this habit of trying to "read" the nurses face when I go to these appointments. Did she look me in the eye, was her mood somber, does she know something I don't? Hell, I couldn't tell. But I did the same thing when the doctor came in to the room. We did the hand shake thing, and he said the magic words I love to hear....

"All your tests look great."

Sigh. Another check-up passed with flying colors. In fact, my cholesterol level was down too, which was a miracle in itself since we spent the weekend eating all junk food. Dion said it was because I switched from regular marshmallows, to mini marshmallows, and I am starting to believe him. I love marshmallows.

So my echo was fine, which is good, my bloodwork was fine, which is good, then we talked about my chest X-ray. Ah, the chest X-ray. I asked my onc when I could get my port out. Now I will admit here that I am a little on the psycho side when it comes to my port. I am asking everyone and their mother when I can get the prt out, really to try and get an answer that I want to hear. For example, I asked Claire if I could have my port removed after my last treatment, and she said yes. So there you go. Oops...a little sidetracked...anyway, here's how the 411 went down.

"Do you want it out now?" said the onc.

"What? Like right now? Here?" said Sue.

And commence laughter from the doctor. Apparently that was funny, which, now that I think about it, why the heck would he be the one to take out my port? Duh. Back to the chest X-ray. The radiologist seems to think that there might be a break, crack, or whatever, in my port. Broken. What the hell? How would that happen? So my onc gave me a copy of my chest X-ray on disk to take to my doctor at home so she could look at it too. And I did just that....I'm a good patient. Most of the time. So now it seems to be a mystery if there is actually a break in the port, or if the tubing is just kinked and looks like a break. Either way I am having another port study done tomorrow to see what's what. If there's a break, they will be able to see the dye that they inject coming out of it. If they don't see any dye escaping, I assume that means that there's no break or crack.

So what does all of this mean and why am I telling you? Well, to tell you this....

This happens to be my second port. Why second? Well, because like my normal self, I had to have the first one taken out a month or so after I finished chemo the first time around. Yup. Glad I did that. But do you know who was even happier that I insisted that the port come out? That would be my surgeon. She was thrilled. Just ask her, she'll tell you all about it. I hate it when someone can use the phrase "I told you so" on me, and this was one big fat "I told you so". Now here I sit with the possibility that I have to have this port removed, and Dr Beth is thrilled. Slice and dice. Now I will tell you about Dr Beth, because I threatened her that I would, so I will.

I met Beth almost 2 years ago. She has done my biopsies, both mastectomies, both ports, a colonoscopy (I've got another 3.5 years until the next one....AHHHH!!!!), and in the process of doing all of this medical stuff for me, she has become an irreplaceable friend. She's really the only one who can bring me back to earth when I get all cuckoo for cocoa puffs (and cancer). She's been a valuable sounding board and I love the time that we spend together. So that being said, there were some issues when she was putting in my last port, and has claimed that I have given her grey hair, hence her not wanting to put another one in me. You didn't know I was that powerful, did you?

Now, you might be asking why, after all of the complaining I do about my port, would I want another one. That's a valid question, and here's my answer. Yes, I do hate my port, but my veins are so crappy that almost always they collapse when they are used. And did you know that I hate needles? I am getting better, I don't faint anymore. Plus, I have another 12 weeks of treatment left (3 extra weeks have been added. That was disappointing, but eh...). So do we weigh the pros and cons? I guess it's not even worth doing that until after the port study tomorrow. Wait wait wait. I suppose I would lean towards getting a new port, but holy crap, I don't think Beth would EVER take that bad boy out. Ever. Ugh. Which is worse? Collapsing veins, or the operating room? Tough call.

I better go to bed. We are supposed to get 7-10 inches of snow in the next 24 hours, so school may or may not be canceled/delayed/early released, which means my program would be open all day. Snow....what's that?

Time to feed the babies.

Nadia doing a little naked eating. Well, half naked.

Awwwwwww...how cute are they?!?

Tired Tater

Just seeing how long until Dion notices this picture....to be continued....

Wednesday is Done

Today seemed to go on and on and on. I might even have to go to bed after this, I am tired. Claire had the right idea this morning when I went into her room to wake her up. This is what she told me.....

"Mommy, the sun isn't up yet, I need to sleep more."

That was the best idea I heard all day long. Today felt like a day of putting out fires. I don't feel like I got a lot done, then on top of it, I had to work an hour late, then as soon as I walked in the door with the girls, I got a call to go back to work, and I did. I had to wait for Dion to come home, so I made dinner for the girls, ate a hotdog off of a fork, and left.

But, on a brighter note, we are going out of town this weekend to my college roommate's home. I can hardly wait! We haven't seen each other in about a year, so I am really looking forward to it. Not to mention that her daughter and Claire are only four months apart in age, so that will be fun.

Why do I eat popcorn? At this moment I am contorting my tongue to try and get the kernels out of my gums. They hurt, but it's such a tastey treat!

I know I have talked about Netflix before, but I am going to push them on you some more. Get it. It is worth the money. You'll watch movies you wouldn't have rented, and some of them won't suck. I would be lying if I said they were all good movies. Some will suck. I would be sad if we had to go back to just renting movies. We watched part of The Longest Yard (the original) and I was pretty impressed. What we saw was pretty good, kind of funny and odd seeing Burt Reynolds with no mustache.

I talked about tax time and how much I LOVE it. Well, I am getting closer and closer to being done with taxes, but I did get a final number on who much we spent (out of pocket) on medical and dental. Are you ready? Drum roll please.....dumdumdumdumdumdum (or however a drum sounds) a little over $12,000. No, not $1200, not $12.00, not $1.200, TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. That could buy a lot of Peeps. I know that insurance pays for so much, but I guess now I know where all of our money has gone. That's $4000 more than last year. We are hoping to keep our bills right around $4000 this year. We'll see. Maybe this weekend I will finish our taxes and get some of that money back.

Well, I think I am going to hit the hay. I have a lot to do tomorrow at work, plus I have to pack for the weekend. Oh crap. I forgot to do some laundry. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow night. Or not.

A Day in the Life of Me at Mayo

Today was treatment day for me. You will be happy to know that I only have 9 more weeks left. A far cry from the 48 weeks when I started this new adventure. Anyway, it was an interesting day at Mayo for a few reasons. Where to start........

I was sitting in the waiting room, feeling quite fidgity for some unknown reason, literally walking around the whole room trying to find a magazine to peruse. I found one that was somewhat interesting, paged through about 5 pages and put it down. I then heard laughter coming from the area in the waiting room where there is a TV. Hmmm. Interesting. What could be on that is making these three people laugh so hard? I decided to meander over there and check it out. America's Funniest Home Videos? Nope. Three's Company? Uh-uh. I am still in awe as I type this when I think about what they were watching.....dramatic pause.......the nature channel. The nature channel. And not even funny moments with animals or something of that nature (Ha! I slid a little joke in there). It was a show documenting these guys underwater trying to get a DNA sample from a shark. It's a slow TV day when you find THAT funny.

When I finally went back I was lucky enough to get an end seat. There are six chairs to each room, three on each side. The middle chair sucks. All you have are the arm rests and it just is a crappy spot. So to the left of me was a newbie. He was there for his first treatment for pancreatic and liver cancer. He was in a pretty good mood, all things considered, but when I heard this little conversation between him and his wife, I got sad.

"Well, you certainly can't go until you complete your Honey Do list" (wife)

"I don't think I will live long enough to make it through the whole list." (husband)

Ugh. How sad. He was not being negative about the situation, he was being realistic. The reality of his type of cancer is a timeline of 6 months to a year. My co-worker's daughter made it 7 months.

The next chair over was occupied by a lifer. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1992. She had a mastectomy and did three years of Tamoxifen (the same pill I am on). 11 years later she found a little lump in her neck, which turned out to be positive for cancer. Seeing as that it was in her nodes, it has spread, but the question was where was the parent tumor? It doesn't just start in your nodes, it has to get there from somewhere. So after scans, a tumor was found behind her reconstructed breast in her lung. Even though it was found in her lung, a test can prove (and did) that it is still breast cancer. 11 years. Some darn cancer cell was dormant for 11 years and something woke it up and got it growing again. Not an uplifting thought for the rest of us, but a reality of the disease. So she is now doing Herceptin (the treatment I am almost done with) for the rest of her life. She was also upbeat and strong. I will quote her too.....

"While you are alive, live."

How true is that? Some days it is easy to forget, but then we meet these people who remind us, and try to get us back on track. I know I was looking death in the face today. When I had my misdiagnosis and was given not so much time to live, all that went through my mind was "Dead man walkin. Dead man walkin." from that the movie of the same name. I felt like a shell, like my soul had already left. I remember getting on the computer one night to one of the online support chat rooms and typing,

"I can't do this! I can't do this!"

Little did I know that I could, and did. Granted the outcome was different after I got the second opinion, or my second chance as I like to call it, but I will never forget those feelings I had in those 2 and a half weeks I had to wait before I could get into Mayo for the second opinion. We were so convinced that the cancer had spread, that I thought the oncologist was nuts when he said he didn't think it was cancer (I have to put in here though that I LOVE my oncologist, he keeps me grounded, he takes me seriously, he makes me laugh, hell, he puts up with me and that in itself has earned him a star in his crown).

So I did my treatment with my port not working only about 3 times. Not too bad. I asked a nurse how long they suggest keeping a port in after treatment is done, and they said a year. A year?!? I guess that is better than the five years my surgeon wants to keep it in, but I am still going to fight to have it out earlier. Here was some of my conversation with my surgeon about this topic....

"A year."

"Good. I agree. It will stay in a year, just in case you need it."

"What would I need it for?"

"Well....."

"What would I need it for?"

And cut. So my point was this, for me, to keep the port in is not only uncomfortable, but I will feel like I am not done with all of this crap until that little demon comes out. How do I move on with that still in my body? I want to think about my future NOT as, "what if I need a port again?" but as, "Thank God that is over and I can move on." And I hate it. I just plain old fashioned hate it. That fight is not over yet, and the winner is to be determined. I'll keep you updated, but we're dealing with two people who don't like to lose. It shall be interesting, but don't mock me if I lose. That's not nice.

Claire's performance as a make-up artist

A nice moment.

And a fine job on herself too.