What I Want

I want so bad to be able to be positive about re-checks. I want to go in with a huge smile on my face, with no fear, with the confidence of a superstar, and mean it. Instead, I go in acting like I have no fear, all the confidence in the world, but still, with a smile on my face. It never really gets bad until I get the dang paper work from Mayo to fill out. I haven't done that yet since my appointment is about a month and a half away. I haven't filled it out because it asks if there is anything that you want to talk to your doctor about. What if I fill it out now, but a week before I go in I have these headaches that won't go away, or the pain I have in my hip is worse, what if I miss telling the doctor something because I filled out the paperwork early? Nope, I have to wait.

I can feel myself slipping a little closer each time. Like I am almost ready to accept that I just may be ok. But, when I get to that point, where I am so close, fear grabs me by the shoulders and says....

"Remember? Remember when you were so confident? Do you remember what happened?

And while it turned out to not be cancer returning, it was enough to scare me into never getting that comfy. But I really really want to. I just don't know how.