I was just in the mood to write, but alas, I have nothing to scribe about. I probably do, if I thought a little bit, but you understand that it is the day before Thanksgiving, the last day of the work week, the day before I gain an extra 10 pounds. Well, maybe not 10 pounds, but I am thinking of wear my old maternity pants with the elastic panel. No, I won't do that....maybe.
Have I told you that we belong to the elite group Netflix? It is so awesome. We get 3 movies at a time, for as long as we want (do I sound like the commercial?), which for us varies a bit. Anyway, one of the more recent movies we got was Airplane. What can one say about that movie? I think Dion was a little shocked that I could recite some of the less common lines of the movie. At one point he said "Gosh, I thought I knew a lot of the lines." I do know now though, that when I watched Airplane as a child, that I obviously didn't "get" all of the humor. Even when it was edited for television, I seemed to miss some of the humor. For example, when they said that the two guys were talking jive, I actually thought, as a kid, that they were speaking another language. Ahhhhh.....silly kid. So, I spent a good amount of time laughing at the old movie. Some humor never dies.
Tomorrow Claire's cousin Kaitlyn and her family are coming to visit. Claire and Kaitlyn are about 3 months apart, and love each other to death. Claire proclaimed to our daycare lady today, "My cousin Kaitlyn is coming tomorrow!" To say that she is excited would be an understatement. This weekend is the holiday stroll downtown, so I am hoping that we will have ok weather and maybe my sister-in-law and I can take the girls. I think there's a parade, they light up the downtown Christmas lights, there are carolers dressed up from the past, it could be fun. Or it could not. But there's only one way to find out.
Oh. I supposed I should do an update on my shoulder. On Tuesday, since the port study didn't really tell us anything about my shoulder pain, I was squeezed in to have an ultra sound of my neck, shoulder, and arm. They were on a mission of finding a clot, if there was one, and possibly that is what was causing my pain. Nothing. Nada. Zip. No clot, which is really good, but....Anyway, Beth came into the room to tell me that they found nothing and suggested that maybe it's because I am getting old and getting arthritis. My response to her was to throw the washcloth at her. Old. Whatever. And although she was kidding (kind of) it was still a Sue Flaska mystery on why I was having pain. So I go to Mayo for treatment. I talked to the nurse, who called my oncologist. He said uh-uhhhh to using the port and ok'd the nurse to use my left arm. He wants to find out what is causing the pain before they use the port again. Now, along with my bloodwork, chest X-ray, and bone density test this coming Monday, he has added a CT scan of my neck and shoulder. So instead of being crabby about all of this, I have decided that I will be thankful (thankful...get it? It's almost Thanksgiving...ah! What do you know about humor? Just kidding...you are very funny.) that I have an oncologist who will search high and low to find out what is causing the pain. Arthritis? Broken bone? Cancer? He'll find it. I hope.
My most recent fear...ok, not most recent, but always....is that it is the cancer returning. I keep repeating in my head what I have been told over and over. The type of cancer I had, if it were to recur, would most likely recur within 2 years. I am at month 20 right now. Now I know that it doesn't mean that it will never come back. If any doctor says that to me, I will run the other way. There's no way for ANYONE to know for sure. I know of some woman who were 10 years out and it came back, so I don't want to be fed any crap of you're cured forever. There is no forever. Oh. I got a little side-tracked. So there it is. It's out on the table. I am scared and worried, and will sleep better after Tuesday when I get all of my results. The well used line of "It's probably nothing" is probably what is going through your head. I hate that phrase. If you take anything from me, take this. When that is said to someone who has battled a life threatening disease and is now facing some more issues, we tend to get a little pissed. Now, we understand that it is being said to calm us, or even just to calm the person saying it, but in reality, what is going through my head at least, is this "But it could be something." I think I have said this before, I will never EVER go into another doctor appointment, NOT prepared for the worst. That could be seen as a negative thought, but I don't think it is. I think it is realistic. Like I told the co-worker whose daughter is battling pancreatic cancer with all of her heart and soul, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. That's all we can do. That's all that can get us by. I will NEVER be blind-sided again with a diagnosis. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be sad or scared or angry with whatever I had to face, I would just be ready. My foot will be at the start line, ready to take off running to whatever it is I have to conquer. Not running away, just running to. What is it that I am running "to"? Hell if I know.
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