This weekend starts the first of many busy weekends. That is how I can tell that summer has begun. It certainly is not because of the weather. The beauty of Minnesota is that you just never know what you are going to get day to day. It has been in the 80's for quite some time now, but as I look at my Weather Bug icon, it says that it is a mere 54 degrees this chilly morning. No wonder I had to don fleece pants and a sweatshirt. It's cold!
This afternoon we have a wedding to attend. It is the twin sister of the wedding we went to last summer. Can you imagine that whirlwind?!? Yikes. My only hope is that I still fit into one of the dresses I bought last year. That is my first issue. It could be interesting. Not in the least bit funny, but interesting. The other fun fact that I get to deal with today is that I have a slight sunburn on my chest and I am at the itchy stage. I really just want to rip my skin off in hopes that it will dull the itchiness. That is my second issue. I will attempt to keep my hands off of my chest in church, but I can't promise it at the reception.
Here is a huge issue we have in this house. I took the girls to have their pictures done professionally for Father's Day and we have gotten the proofs via email. How does one decide when there are 35 great pictures of these girls? Besides the fact that we might have to sell our first born to pay for the pictures.
"See? Here's a picture of Claire. Isn't it nice? Too bad we couldn't keep her, but we'll always have this photo."
We have to make some decisions pretty soon though. We just have to.
Next weekend Dion is going to Wisconsin to go to a baseball game with his dad, brother, and sister too, I think. I will be flying solo. The question of the hour is what will I do to the house while he is gone? The options are endless, but I think painting is going to be on the list. It'll just be a matter of what I am going to paint. Those options are not endless, but I have a few. The weekend after that I am taking the girls down to their cousins house for her birthday party. They should have a good time, they usually do. I am curious to see if Dion does anything to the house while we are gone. Ok. Scared is a better word. He threatened last time, but didn't do anything. Although this time he won't have the girls to watch, so you never know.
Well, I survived the first week of summer at work, I cannot say the same thing for the little pool in our backyard. I have a feeling that the crappy kids up the road had something to do with the death of our pool. I find it odd that the little spout that you use to blow up the palm tree was ripped off. I don't imagine that squirrels like to do those types of things, but I guess there could be one special one in the group.
"Mom! Scooter Squirrel is trying to eat a plastic pool again!"
But I have to admit that I am leaning more towards the crappy kids. There's a sketch on Saturday Night Live that Cheri Oteri used to do. Her character was named Mrs Daveckio. Her conquest in life was to take the neighbor kids toys if they landed in her yard. Every time we go for a walk we have to step around the crappy neighbor kids toys that they leave on the sidewalk. I always mumble about it since we have to move the stroller around them too, and Dion always calls me Mrs Daveckio. I bet he doesn't find as much humor in it now that our pool is popped. Darn kids. So I had to go buy a new pool, which the girls love, but by God if those bratty kids even come near our yard, I might have to break out our paintball guns. I know, I know....Mrs Daveckio.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Friday, June 09, 2006
Excuse me, I Would Like to Trade Today in For a New Day Please
Today has been a long long looooong day. It has been the kind of day that has made me want to run away for a little bit. They type of day where I would rather have been at work than dealing with the happenings in this house. A day that made me wish I could drink at 8AM. A day that made me absolutely, positively, without a doubt, crazy. You ever had one of those days? It sucks.
We could talk about the fact that Nadia pushed a screen out of our bedroom window, or that she emptied all of her clothes from her dresser onto the floor last night, all the while being naked since she took her pull-up off too. So that is what greeted me when I went into her room this morning. Then we can talk about how she would not, under any circumstances, stay in her chair for lunch. She ended up not getting lunch and I took her to her room for a nap. That turned out to be about 45 minutes worth of a nap. But she had to stay in her room because I had to deal with Thing 1, (Claire) who did not take a nap at all today. But she did manage to break the Swiffer, put one of the cats into her laundry basket with the top on, crawl under our bed when she was supposed to be napping, filled the main floor bathroom sink with foaming soap, slammed her door a total of about 30 times, and managed to tick Thing 2 (Nadia) off about 50 times.
You know, other than that, it's been a wonderful day.
We could talk about the fact that Nadia pushed a screen out of our bedroom window, or that she emptied all of her clothes from her dresser onto the floor last night, all the while being naked since she took her pull-up off too. So that is what greeted me when I went into her room this morning. Then we can talk about how she would not, under any circumstances, stay in her chair for lunch. She ended up not getting lunch and I took her to her room for a nap. That turned out to be about 45 minutes worth of a nap. But she had to stay in her room because I had to deal with Thing 1, (Claire) who did not take a nap at all today. But she did manage to break the Swiffer, put one of the cats into her laundry basket with the top on, crawl under our bed when she was supposed to be napping, filled the main floor bathroom sink with foaming soap, slammed her door a total of about 30 times, and managed to tick Thing 2 (Nadia) off about 50 times.
You know, other than that, it's been a wonderful day.
My Eyes!! My Eyes!!
I am not sure if this topic will ever be not funny to me. It's just one of those things that makes me laugh, and I really have no control over it.
Yesterday we took a group of kids to our local pool for work. It was a beautiful day, sunny, in the low 80's, just perfect, even though I didn't put sun block on my feet and now they are burned. Anyway, you see all kinds of people when you go to a public place such as the pool. All these kids, from infants to teens. Looking at all of these teenage girls in their little suits, little do they know that their bodies will be going on a ride and those little suits just may not be an option for them down the road. Pop out a couple of kids and let me know how things are going. Bitter? Yeah, a little, but it's my own fault.
Anyway, we were down to the last hour or so at the pool before we had to round up the group when THEY walked in. Walked is not the word actually. Saunter, stroll, meander, strut, any of these words will do. There were two of them. One was probably in his 70's, the other looked to be in his 20's. The older wore a nice and simple black Speedo. Speedo. He was wearing a Speedo. There was a lot of grey hair involved, covering a lot of his 70-ish year old body, front and back. A lot. One might have thought he was wearing a sweater, but he wasn't. Just a little black Speedo. Now the younger partner in crime was wearing a variation of the Speedo that the rest of us picture in our minds. Don't worry, it was just as tight, but more like little shorts. Little little bright red shorts. Wow. I don't imagine that they were from town as since we live in a small community, someone would know who they were and I just can't imagine wearing that in an environment where someone would know you.
But maybe that's what they do. Some people collect stamps, some collect fancy cars, some people write, some people garden. Maybe these guys go town to town wearing their Speedos making bets on who can get the most stares. There would be the tricky part. Do you stare at the grey sweater guy or the younger short shorts guys? It's really a toss up. But then short shorts guys pulled out all the stops. He knew how to win this town's challenge. He got up from their spot in the corner. We all watched to see what he was going to do. Our eyes followed him to the water slides. No way. There's no way he was going to go down one of them, was he? We lost sight of him behind the slides. Now there's two to choose from. The pretty pinkish purplish one, and the big yellow one. The yellow one you need an inner tube to go down it. Mental visual...
Arms flailing, a shrill "Weeeeeeeee!!!!!!!", a flash of red.....yikes!
"Nope, he's going down the pink one, he didn't get a tube." my high school worker told me.
Interesting. Scarey, but none the less interesting. So we waited. Then we saw it. A flash of red and a splash. He went down the slide, and as soon as he popped up to the surface, another worker of mine did this.....
"Whoo hoo!"
I looked over at her, my eyes opened wide, and she laughed. We watched him swim over to the side and push himself out of the pool. Luckily the tight red suit stayed in place. Next it was sweater guys turn. Was he going to go down the slide too? Nope, he did a little jump into the water, waded around for a bit, then used the ladder to get out. Pretty uneventful. I think the award should go to the first guy. There was more adventure, a splash and even a whoo hoo yelled out. How do you compete with that?
So there you have it. We left shortly after the show, but I can still see them in my mind, and yes, I can still laugh about it. If people don't want me to laugh they should really stop wearing Speedos. That's all there is to it. Pretty simple, huh?
Yesterday we took a group of kids to our local pool for work. It was a beautiful day, sunny, in the low 80's, just perfect, even though I didn't put sun block on my feet and now they are burned. Anyway, you see all kinds of people when you go to a public place such as the pool. All these kids, from infants to teens. Looking at all of these teenage girls in their little suits, little do they know that their bodies will be going on a ride and those little suits just may not be an option for them down the road. Pop out a couple of kids and let me know how things are going. Bitter? Yeah, a little, but it's my own fault.
Anyway, we were down to the last hour or so at the pool before we had to round up the group when THEY walked in. Walked is not the word actually. Saunter, stroll, meander, strut, any of these words will do. There were two of them. One was probably in his 70's, the other looked to be in his 20's. The older wore a nice and simple black Speedo. Speedo. He was wearing a Speedo. There was a lot of grey hair involved, covering a lot of his 70-ish year old body, front and back. A lot. One might have thought he was wearing a sweater, but he wasn't. Just a little black Speedo. Now the younger partner in crime was wearing a variation of the Speedo that the rest of us picture in our minds. Don't worry, it was just as tight, but more like little shorts. Little little bright red shorts. Wow. I don't imagine that they were from town as since we live in a small community, someone would know who they were and I just can't imagine wearing that in an environment where someone would know you.
But maybe that's what they do. Some people collect stamps, some collect fancy cars, some people write, some people garden. Maybe these guys go town to town wearing their Speedos making bets on who can get the most stares. There would be the tricky part. Do you stare at the grey sweater guy or the younger short shorts guys? It's really a toss up. But then short shorts guys pulled out all the stops. He knew how to win this town's challenge. He got up from their spot in the corner. We all watched to see what he was going to do. Our eyes followed him to the water slides. No way. There's no way he was going to go down one of them, was he? We lost sight of him behind the slides. Now there's two to choose from. The pretty pinkish purplish one, and the big yellow one. The yellow one you need an inner tube to go down it. Mental visual...
Arms flailing, a shrill "Weeeeeeeee!!!!!!!", a flash of red.....yikes!
"Nope, he's going down the pink one, he didn't get a tube." my high school worker told me.
Interesting. Scarey, but none the less interesting. So we waited. Then we saw it. A flash of red and a splash. He went down the slide, and as soon as he popped up to the surface, another worker of mine did this.....
"Whoo hoo!"
I looked over at her, my eyes opened wide, and she laughed. We watched him swim over to the side and push himself out of the pool. Luckily the tight red suit stayed in place. Next it was sweater guys turn. Was he going to go down the slide too? Nope, he did a little jump into the water, waded around for a bit, then used the ladder to get out. Pretty uneventful. I think the award should go to the first guy. There was more adventure, a splash and even a whoo hoo yelled out. How do you compete with that?
So there you have it. We left shortly after the show, but I can still see them in my mind, and yes, I can still laugh about it. If people don't want me to laugh they should really stop wearing Speedos. That's all there is to it. Pretty simple, huh?
Thursday, June 08, 2006
My Choice? Out The Window
Well folks, it's about time that you climbed aboard the bitter train with me and head off to the city of Hostility with a layover in the town of Resentful. Whooo whooooooo (please make the universal sign for a train by balling your fist and pumping it up and down while making the train noises. We are going for the full effect here)! Why all the negativity, you ask? Simple. It all boils down to one word. Well, actually two I guess. My PORT! Or as Dion calls it, my Wal-Port. He seems to think that it has been purchased at Walmart and that is why it works so well (can you sense the sarcasm?). Here is the latest....
I went to Mayo on Tuesday to get my study shot and to have my port flushed for the first time since ending Herceptin. Now, for you non-cancer readers, the port was used for treatment, but if a person is done with whatever they are using the port for, you still have to maintain it. And you do that by having it flushed with saline and then injected with Heparine to help prevent clots. And yes, they use needles to do so. Anyway, I have always had a problem with my port, sometimes they couldn't get blood out of it and all of the time it was positional. I had to do funky things like wave my hand in the air to get it to work sometimes. So there I would be, sitting in my chair and this is the scene that would play out....
Me, minding my own business, getting my treatment, when all of a sudden.....beep beep beeeeeep....beep beep beeeeeep....Commence flailing of right arm with minor vulgarities. Good. It worked. For about 3 minutes. Beep beep beeeeeep! Shut up! (yes I yelled at my IV. Many times.)
Now imagine 51 weeks of this. Every week. All the beeps, all the arm waving, all of the frustration. Sometimes I did find that sweet spot where it would infuse the whole 30 minutes without beeping. Those days were few, but so wonderful. Ok, back to Tuesday....
As stated above, I had issues with my port so I wondered how my first flush would be after not using it for a month. Do you remember the date on Tuesday? 6-6-06....interesting. I did not have high hopes of things going well, but I did not expect the following.
The nurse followed the procedure of prepping my port to get the needle in it. She started to infuse and it felt like little bubbles followed along my collar bone. It was an odd feeling, but I had that happen two or three times before. After injecting all that had to be injected in me, the nurse pulled the needle out of my port and I looked down to see saline flowing out of the hole the needle left behind. Not dripping. Flowing. So much so that my shirt got wet. The nurse said she had never seen that before. Great. I'll tell you something, I am getting tired of hearing that phrase. So she decided to try to infuse it again. This time, the skin under my port swelled with saline and leaked again when the needle was pulled out. Well, well, well. I had two nurses looking at my port, and they came to the conclusion that something just wasn't right. I was off to have a chest xray done. Lovely. They thought my port was broken. Again. Except if you remember right, after the port study was done I found out it wasn't broken after all. Just a little moody. Like me.
I talked to my oncologist who said the following. And I quote,
"It's broken. Just take it out. You don't need it, so take it out. It won't work anyway so just have it taken out. Take it out."
After his little "take it out" speech was done, I replied with the following. And I quote,
"So are you trying to tell me to take it out?"
Silence. A little giggle and then, "Yes. Take it out."
So here's the part that is frustrating to me. I wasn't ready to have the port removed. It was one of the only things that I had control over, and I wanted to savor that feeling. I wanted the port removed on MY terms, not the ports. I wanted to pick and choose when I had it removed, not be forced to do it now. I am not ready yet. But, regardless of me being ready or not, I have an appointment next Thursday to have it removed. Dang it. That is another reason why I was procrastinating. I know from the first port that it is removed by walking my little butt (ha ha...little butt....) into the office, getting into the reclining chair, having the area numbed and opened and the thing is pulled out. Pulled out! I get shivers just thinking about it. Just a little bit of drugs. That is all I would need to get through the event without getting pale (or in my case, even more pale) and feeling like I was going to fall out of the chair. I have a week to get my brain all worked up in a frenzy. And ladies and gentlemen, that just rocks.
I went to Mayo on Tuesday to get my study shot and to have my port flushed for the first time since ending Herceptin. Now, for you non-cancer readers, the port was used for treatment, but if a person is done with whatever they are using the port for, you still have to maintain it. And you do that by having it flushed with saline and then injected with Heparine to help prevent clots. And yes, they use needles to do so. Anyway, I have always had a problem with my port, sometimes they couldn't get blood out of it and all of the time it was positional. I had to do funky things like wave my hand in the air to get it to work sometimes. So there I would be, sitting in my chair and this is the scene that would play out....
Me, minding my own business, getting my treatment, when all of a sudden.....beep beep beeeeeep....beep beep beeeeeep....Commence flailing of right arm with minor vulgarities. Good. It worked. For about 3 minutes. Beep beep beeeeeep! Shut up! (yes I yelled at my IV. Many times.)
Now imagine 51 weeks of this. Every week. All the beeps, all the arm waving, all of the frustration. Sometimes I did find that sweet spot where it would infuse the whole 30 minutes without beeping. Those days were few, but so wonderful. Ok, back to Tuesday....
As stated above, I had issues with my port so I wondered how my first flush would be after not using it for a month. Do you remember the date on Tuesday? 6-6-06....interesting. I did not have high hopes of things going well, but I did not expect the following.
The nurse followed the procedure of prepping my port to get the needle in it. She started to infuse and it felt like little bubbles followed along my collar bone. It was an odd feeling, but I had that happen two or three times before. After injecting all that had to be injected in me, the nurse pulled the needle out of my port and I looked down to see saline flowing out of the hole the needle left behind. Not dripping. Flowing. So much so that my shirt got wet. The nurse said she had never seen that before. Great. I'll tell you something, I am getting tired of hearing that phrase. So she decided to try to infuse it again. This time, the skin under my port swelled with saline and leaked again when the needle was pulled out. Well, well, well. I had two nurses looking at my port, and they came to the conclusion that something just wasn't right. I was off to have a chest xray done. Lovely. They thought my port was broken. Again. Except if you remember right, after the port study was done I found out it wasn't broken after all. Just a little moody. Like me.
I talked to my oncologist who said the following. And I quote,
"It's broken. Just take it out. You don't need it, so take it out. It won't work anyway so just have it taken out. Take it out."
After his little "take it out" speech was done, I replied with the following. And I quote,
"So are you trying to tell me to take it out?"
Silence. A little giggle and then, "Yes. Take it out."
So here's the part that is frustrating to me. I wasn't ready to have the port removed. It was one of the only things that I had control over, and I wanted to savor that feeling. I wanted the port removed on MY terms, not the ports. I wanted to pick and choose when I had it removed, not be forced to do it now. I am not ready yet. But, regardless of me being ready or not, I have an appointment next Thursday to have it removed. Dang it. That is another reason why I was procrastinating. I know from the first port that it is removed by walking my little butt (ha ha...little butt....) into the office, getting into the reclining chair, having the area numbed and opened and the thing is pulled out. Pulled out! I get shivers just thinking about it. Just a little bit of drugs. That is all I would need to get through the event without getting pale (or in my case, even more pale) and feeling like I was going to fall out of the chair. I have a week to get my brain all worked up in a frenzy. And ladies and gentlemen, that just rocks.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Lost, In More Ways Than One...
Today was the first day of our summer program, which is always kind of crazy. My neighbor works at a school in Wisconsin, and she has told me many times that I have the wrong kind of school job, and that I need to find one that has the summers off. I am starting to get it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being with the kids in the summer, but it is such a hectic time, and stressful, to say the least.
I took the girls to my parents house today to visit with Grandpa (Grandma is in WI). They had a good time and were pretty good for the most part. I decided to call Dion to see if he wanted to meet for dinner, and he did. I suggested Kings, which if you are ever in town you really ought to go there for their burgers. I have been there 3 or 4 times, but Dion has never been there before, so I thought he'd love it. He was pretty excited, and I believe he would have loved it if it were open on Mondays. Poor Dion. So back to town we went and tried a place called Bayview, which also has great burgers. And cheap. I guess they are too cheap though because they were closed too. Ok. Next! I suggested going to a new cafe down the road. Keep in mind that we were in different cars since Dion was coming from work. We drive down to the cafe. Closed. I gave up. We went to McDonald's (or Old McDonald's, as Claire calls it) and ate there. What a bust.
Tomorrow I am off to Mayo-land to get my monthly shot and to have my port flushed. Woo hoo! I can hardly wait for that one! I am pretty excited though to see some of my favorite Mayo staff, and maybe go to Sam's Club or something to at least try to be productive. I can't believe I ended treatment a month ago. I don't know where time has gone, but more than that, I haven't had the crash that I was expecting where treatment ended. At least not yet. I suppose there's time for those shenanigans still. I know that I have my check coming up in August, and a part of me wants to do it tomorrow. I want to know how things are going, if there are any changes. But every time I go into that office, the same thing is told to me...
"Everything looks great!"
But is that day coming when I am told something different? And do I even waste time worrying about that? I had a co-worker ask me today if I was going to get my port out soon. It's very hard to explain this to non-cancer people. I like to think of myself as a spiritual person, someone who believes in God and faith, who trys to follow the WWJD idea as much as I can. But when it comes to cancer, I lean more on the superstitious side. There's a little part in my that feels as soon as I get this port out, I am going to need it again. And isn't it even funny that I can't even write what I am thinking? I write "I am going to need it again" instead of saying "As soon as I get this port out, the cancer will return". There. I said it. Now I have probably jinxed myself, but so be it. Maybe I will live on the edge and not wear my lucky underwear to my check up appointment. Maybe I will let my guard down when I have testing done with the knowledge that it's gone and I am fine. Maybe I will not fear everything within my body but embrace it for what it really is...nothing. Maybe I will go to all of my appointments without Dion since there will be nothing to find anyway. Maybe I will find the purpose as why I was spared and get on with my life. Maybe. But probably not.
I took the girls to my parents house today to visit with Grandpa (Grandma is in WI). They had a good time and were pretty good for the most part. I decided to call Dion to see if he wanted to meet for dinner, and he did. I suggested Kings, which if you are ever in town you really ought to go there for their burgers. I have been there 3 or 4 times, but Dion has never been there before, so I thought he'd love it. He was pretty excited, and I believe he would have loved it if it were open on Mondays. Poor Dion. So back to town we went and tried a place called Bayview, which also has great burgers. And cheap. I guess they are too cheap though because they were closed too. Ok. Next! I suggested going to a new cafe down the road. Keep in mind that we were in different cars since Dion was coming from work. We drive down to the cafe. Closed. I gave up. We went to McDonald's (or Old McDonald's, as Claire calls it) and ate there. What a bust.
Tomorrow I am off to Mayo-land to get my monthly shot and to have my port flushed. Woo hoo! I can hardly wait for that one! I am pretty excited though to see some of my favorite Mayo staff, and maybe go to Sam's Club or something to at least try to be productive. I can't believe I ended treatment a month ago. I don't know where time has gone, but more than that, I haven't had the crash that I was expecting where treatment ended. At least not yet. I suppose there's time for those shenanigans still. I know that I have my check coming up in August, and a part of me wants to do it tomorrow. I want to know how things are going, if there are any changes. But every time I go into that office, the same thing is told to me...
"Everything looks great!"
But is that day coming when I am told something different? And do I even waste time worrying about that? I had a co-worker ask me today if I was going to get my port out soon. It's very hard to explain this to non-cancer people. I like to think of myself as a spiritual person, someone who believes in God and faith, who trys to follow the WWJD idea as much as I can. But when it comes to cancer, I lean more on the superstitious side. There's a little part in my that feels as soon as I get this port out, I am going to need it again. And isn't it even funny that I can't even write what I am thinking? I write "I am going to need it again" instead of saying "As soon as I get this port out, the cancer will return". There. I said it. Now I have probably jinxed myself, but so be it. Maybe I will live on the edge and not wear my lucky underwear to my check up appointment. Maybe I will let my guard down when I have testing done with the knowledge that it's gone and I am fine. Maybe I will not fear everything within my body but embrace it for what it really is...nothing. Maybe I will go to all of my appointments without Dion since there will be nothing to find anyway. Maybe I will find the purpose as why I was spared and get on with my life. Maybe. But probably not.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
A Day Late and a Dollar Short
Dion calls me crazy sometimes. Ok, mostly it is only when I take the girls to the grocery store with me. And yes, that can get a little hairy, but all in all they do a good job. Claire even walked beside the cart with me while Nadia rode. Impressive for this little devil of mine. She has been known now and again to dart off in what seems to be five different directions at one time. But this day, she was pretty good.
We finally get into line, and at this point I knew I am testing the God's of good behavior, so I need to be extra careful. I need to keep an eye out for all of the fun little toys at the check-out, for the candy in the shape of a baby bottle, for the product that looks like a juice box, but in reality is a box of bubbles. What company in their right minds would make a product like that? As an adult I would not be surprised if I drank it, that is how much it looks like a juice box. How dumb. Anyway, I tend to get a little impatient while waiting in line. And this was no exception.
The girl in front of me had less than a handful of items that she placed on the conveyer belt and kept right by her side. I thought that was kind of odd, but figured since she was on her cell phone she didn't want to lose track of where her items were. But the thing that got my goat was she stood at the end of the belt, making it impossiblefor me to start unloading my cart. Now, keep in mind that I still have thie girls with me, and I am fighting the good fight in the isle of items that look like one thing, but really are another. Seriously, why not make a lighter look like a sucker, if we are going to start doing stuff like that. Or how about matches shaped like french fries? I think I am on to something here....
I have an item in my hand which happened to be a box of spinach, , and cheese dip (oh my lord it rocks my world!) and I start to move it back and forth, trying to push her forward with my "fan". It doesn't work. I mutter "Move..." under my breath, but I had forgotten that she was on the phone and couldn't hear me anyway. The girls are getting restless, great, and I am stuck waiting on phone girl to buy her three things. Which by the way, what was she buying that she had to keep next to her side? What was so personal that it could not take a trip up the black conveyer belt without her? What was......oh...ohhhhhhhh!!!! Now I understood everything. You see, she had her three little items stacked neatly on top of each other, praying that one hid the other, but forgetting that there is writing on the side of most packages. And yes, I read them.
On top was a nice little box of vitamins, not your average daily vitamin, but one of those more focused vitamins. I wouldn't know the kind since I don't believe in vitamins anyway, but that's a different story. Under the package of vitamins was well, a box of, "protection", and under that was an EPT test. Huh. Seems to me if you are buying the third item, it is a little late for the second item. But maybe that's just me. Maybe it was hopeful wishing on her part, maybe she was saying, "If I just pass this test I promise to use item two from now on". And then I wondered who she was talking to on the phone. Was it "him"? Was she explaining how she was so crafty in her product placement that no one knew?
"Never fear! I bought vitamins!"
But she finally moved forward so I could start putting my items on the belt. And that was the last I saw of her. I wonder if she passed her test or not......
We finally get into line, and at this point I knew I am testing the God's of good behavior, so I need to be extra careful. I need to keep an eye out for all of the fun little toys at the check-out, for the candy in the shape of a baby bottle, for the product that looks like a juice box, but in reality is a box of bubbles. What company in their right minds would make a product like that? As an adult I would not be surprised if I drank it, that is how much it looks like a juice box. How dumb. Anyway, I tend to get a little impatient while waiting in line. And this was no exception.
The girl in front of me had less than a handful of items that she placed on the conveyer belt and kept right by her side. I thought that was kind of odd, but figured since she was on her cell phone she didn't want to lose track of where her items were. But the thing that got my goat was she stood at the end of the belt, making it impossiblefor me to start unloading my cart. Now, keep in mind that I still have thie girls with me, and I am fighting the good fight in the isle of items that look like one thing, but really are another. Seriously, why not make a lighter look like a sucker, if we are going to start doing stuff like that. Or how about matches shaped like french fries? I think I am on to something here....
I have an item in my hand which happened to be a box of spinach, , and cheese dip (oh my lord it rocks my world!) and I start to move it back and forth, trying to push her forward with my "fan". It doesn't work. I mutter "Move..." under my breath, but I had forgotten that she was on the phone and couldn't hear me anyway. The girls are getting restless, great, and I am stuck waiting on phone girl to buy her three things. Which by the way, what was she buying that she had to keep next to her side? What was so personal that it could not take a trip up the black conveyer belt without her? What was......oh...ohhhhhhhh!!!! Now I understood everything. You see, she had her three little items stacked neatly on top of each other, praying that one hid the other, but forgetting that there is writing on the side of most packages. And yes, I read them.
On top was a nice little box of vitamins, not your average daily vitamin, but one of those more focused vitamins. I wouldn't know the kind since I don't believe in vitamins anyway, but that's a different story. Under the package of vitamins was well, a box of, "protection", and under that was an EPT test. Huh. Seems to me if you are buying the third item, it is a little late for the second item. But maybe that's just me. Maybe it was hopeful wishing on her part, maybe she was saying, "If I just pass this test I promise to use item two from now on". And then I wondered who she was talking to on the phone. Was it "him"? Was she explaining how she was so crafty in her product placement that no one knew?
"Never fear! I bought vitamins!"
But she finally moved forward so I could start putting my items on the belt. And that was the last I saw of her. I wonder if she passed her test or not......
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
The Art of illness
It was a long hot hot hot weekend. Nadia recovered from her yuckiness right in time for Claire to get it, and she recover right in time for me to be run over by a Mack truck. I have had 2 migraines in life, and this was as close to having number 3 as I have been. You would be right if you suggested that I dipped into the good stuff to get me through, because I did. I had to. I had tried sinus stuff, but my head hurt worse when I woke up. Sinus stuff.....it's a cruel joke on me.
After everyone was healthy, we spent some time outside. But only a few hours a day since we were close to 100 degrees. 100. That's pretty hot. But what I do find a little funny is that Dion complains in the winter about how cold it is, then when it gets hot, he complains about that too. Poor Dion. He says that he would love to live in Hawaii, but I think it would be too hot for him. He needs to live somewhere where it is about 70 degrees all year long. I, on the other hand, would miss the seasons changing. Quite the conundrum.
Tonight Carol and I will be going to see "Cats" in the cities after having dinner somewhere. We haven't talked about where we are going to eat yet. Anyway, we saw this musical, lord, over 20 years ago I guess. I know I was in middle school, and I am pretty excited to go see it again. But right now, I am starving, so I have to go find something to eat...more to come.....
After everyone was healthy, we spent some time outside. But only a few hours a day since we were close to 100 degrees. 100. That's pretty hot. But what I do find a little funny is that Dion complains in the winter about how cold it is, then when it gets hot, he complains about that too. Poor Dion. He says that he would love to live in Hawaii, but I think it would be too hot for him. He needs to live somewhere where it is about 70 degrees all year long. I, on the other hand, would miss the seasons changing. Quite the conundrum.
Tonight Carol and I will be going to see "Cats" in the cities after having dinner somewhere. We haven't talked about where we are going to eat yet. Anyway, we saw this musical, lord, over 20 years ago I guess. I know I was in middle school, and I am pretty excited to go see it again. But right now, I am starving, so I have to go find something to eat...more to come.....
Friday, May 26, 2006
Some Things Really Won't Ever Change
We ended up taking Nadia to the doctor after another full day of having a high fever. Can you even believe that they did a test for strep? My little baby is old enough to get strep tests done! The initial report came back negative, but they are also doing it the old fashioned way, as my doctor called it, and letting it sit in it's little petri dish. Hopefully we won't get a call today. But our doctor did say that her little throat bled a little when he did the swab test. Yikes! No wonder she doesn't want to eat or drink anything. She did manage to "force" down some chocolate pudding this morning :)
Last night I had to go into work for an inservice about blood borne pathogens and a section on sexual harassment. How they paired those two subjects up, I have no clue. But the guy that does the Right to Know part has been doing it since I started here, if not longer. He knows his stuff inside and out. But let me tell you, even pros have slips of the tongue, and even adults such as I, can't control the laughter. I tried. I drank some water, snorted a little, and eventually gained my composure back. What could be so funny about an Employee's Right to Know speech? How about this.....
He was talking about first aide, and what if you happen across someone who has a major head injury? Well, first you call 911, no question about it. A head injury deserves 911. If I had a major head injury I would hope that someone around would call 911 for me. Ok. That is settled. So where is the "funny" in that, you ask? There isn't. It's what he said next that made me feel like a teenager back in health class. And I quote......
"After you call 911, grab your PP and run."
Grab your what? Did we bypass the ending and move onto the sexual harassment section? Why would one want to grab THAT and run? Run where? To the bathroom? Then what do you do with it? It seemed a little odd to me, until I figured it all out. Don't worry folks. He wasn't saying that we should grab our privates and run, although that would make for an interesting scene for the EMT to happen upon. He was referring to our "Personal Protector", also known as our PP. OK, ok, call me immature, call me a child, call me whatever you want, but it was damn funny. Maybe it was one of those things that you "had to be there", which I am happy that I was able to be there to witness it and pass it along via this blog. You know you'll tell this story to someone, you don't fool me.......
Last night I had to go into work for an inservice about blood borne pathogens and a section on sexual harassment. How they paired those two subjects up, I have no clue. But the guy that does the Right to Know part has been doing it since I started here, if not longer. He knows his stuff inside and out. But let me tell you, even pros have slips of the tongue, and even adults such as I, can't control the laughter. I tried. I drank some water, snorted a little, and eventually gained my composure back. What could be so funny about an Employee's Right to Know speech? How about this.....
He was talking about first aide, and what if you happen across someone who has a major head injury? Well, first you call 911, no question about it. A head injury deserves 911. If I had a major head injury I would hope that someone around would call 911 for me. Ok. That is settled. So where is the "funny" in that, you ask? There isn't. It's what he said next that made me feel like a teenager back in health class. And I quote......
"After you call 911, grab your PP and run."
Grab your what? Did we bypass the ending and move onto the sexual harassment section? Why would one want to grab THAT and run? Run where? To the bathroom? Then what do you do with it? It seemed a little odd to me, until I figured it all out. Don't worry folks. He wasn't saying that we should grab our privates and run, although that would make for an interesting scene for the EMT to happen upon. He was referring to our "Personal Protector", also known as our PP. OK, ok, call me immature, call me a child, call me whatever you want, but it was damn funny. Maybe it was one of those things that you "had to be there", which I am happy that I was able to be there to witness it and pass it along via this blog. You know you'll tell this story to someone, you don't fool me.......
Thursday, May 25, 2006
I Forgot a Couple of Things
Which in and of itself is INSANE! I can't believe that I forgot to mention the best show on TV (ok, maybe not, but it's entertaining to say the least).....American Idol. What a show! I wasn't expecting to see all of the celebrities that performed with the AI contestants. It was awesome, the variety of performers, the quality of their performances (well, most of them. I wasn't quite sure of what was going on with Toni Braxton and Meatloaf), the in general huge-ness of it all. It seemed like a party that was going to go on all night long, and probably did. And my man Talyor was the vote of our AI, which rocks. He had a few star moments last night, having nothing to do with his singing, but his character. It was nice to watch.
The other thing that I think is worth mentioning is the following. Dion and I decided on having Chinese food the other night, which we love. And oh my lord, it was very very good. It always is though. Anyway, of course the best moment of the night is when you can get your fortune out of the little cookie. Mmmmm...cookies......mmmmm....fortunes.....where can you go wrong? Where? I'll tell you where. This is what Dion and I got for fortunes....
Dion's: "Financial hardship in your life is coming to an end"
Well hell! That's wonderful news! How long have I been complaining about our lack of funds? That rocked! I could hardly wait for my fortune. Maybe it will say that I will win lots of money that very same day! Or maybe someone famous will stumble across my blog and ask to pay off our house and medical bills. Or how about even just opening a bottle of soda that has instant win games and have ME be an instant winner?!? There are so many ways that we could get out of our financial hardships, one has got to fall into our laps. I take my fortune cookie, and with lots of tenderness, I crack open the cookie, looking for the white rectangle that holds the key to all of our financial burdens. The little white piece of paper that will change our lives as we know it. The little white rectangle is our salvation. I unfold the paper slowly, to savor every moment, holding my breath, and I read,
"Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today."
What? What the hell does that mean? Why is there the word "elephant" on my fortune? How is that a fortune in the first place? Maybe this is a translation issue. Maybe when going from Chinese to American it lost it's meaning. That has to be what happened. Let's be realistic about this, I don't have access to an elephant, and even if I did, the hell if I would kiss it on it's lips. Why would anyone do that to an elephant? What happened to my lucky fortune of not having to worry about money again? I was tempted to go to the zoo and find an elephant to kiss, in spite of what my fortune said. I was going to try reverse psychology, maybe by kissing an elephant, riches would be bestowed upon me. Or it would just taste like peanuts. I am betting on the latter.
There you have it. Those were our fortunes for the night. Dion gets rich, I avoid elephants. I think I want a refund on my cookie.
Update
I thought you all should know that one of Dion's bonus checks was given to him the Firday after I wrote this original post. I, like I was told, did not kiss an elephant. Those crazy fortunes....
The other thing that I think is worth mentioning is the following. Dion and I decided on having Chinese food the other night, which we love. And oh my lord, it was very very good. It always is though. Anyway, of course the best moment of the night is when you can get your fortune out of the little cookie. Mmmmm...cookies......mmmmm....fortunes.....where can you go wrong? Where? I'll tell you where. This is what Dion and I got for fortunes....
Dion's: "Financial hardship in your life is coming to an end"
Well hell! That's wonderful news! How long have I been complaining about our lack of funds? That rocked! I could hardly wait for my fortune. Maybe it will say that I will win lots of money that very same day! Or maybe someone famous will stumble across my blog and ask to pay off our house and medical bills. Or how about even just opening a bottle of soda that has instant win games and have ME be an instant winner?!? There are so many ways that we could get out of our financial hardships, one has got to fall into our laps. I take my fortune cookie, and with lots of tenderness, I crack open the cookie, looking for the white rectangle that holds the key to all of our financial burdens. The little white piece of paper that will change our lives as we know it. The little white rectangle is our salvation. I unfold the paper slowly, to savor every moment, holding my breath, and I read,
"Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today."
What? What the hell does that mean? Why is there the word "elephant" on my fortune? How is that a fortune in the first place? Maybe this is a translation issue. Maybe when going from Chinese to American it lost it's meaning. That has to be what happened. Let's be realistic about this, I don't have access to an elephant, and even if I did, the hell if I would kiss it on it's lips. Why would anyone do that to an elephant? What happened to my lucky fortune of not having to worry about money again? I was tempted to go to the zoo and find an elephant to kiss, in spite of what my fortune said. I was going to try reverse psychology, maybe by kissing an elephant, riches would be bestowed upon me. Or it would just taste like peanuts. I am betting on the latter.
There you have it. Those were our fortunes for the night. Dion gets rich, I avoid elephants. I think I want a refund on my cookie.
Update
I thought you all should know that one of Dion's bonus checks was given to him the Firday after I wrote this original post. I, like I was told, did not kiss an elephant. Those crazy fortunes....
The Things I Sometimes Do
Well, today I am home with the girls since Nadia has a fever close to 103. Wonderful. This is not really how I like to use up my comp time, but I am sure this is not how Nadia likes to spend her time either.
I find myself doing some strange things, not that that would surprise anyone. Every time I turn on the computer, I have a few sites that I have put into my favorites that I look at every day. My Sisters In Survivorship online support group, which I have been laying low with lately, but check daily. Sometimes it gets overwhelming, and I need a break. Sometimes I check eBay, sometimes I play games, sometimes I look at our scarey bank account, and I always look at my favorite blogs. In fact, I have quoted one blog in particular called Cancer,Baby. I don't even remember how I came across it, but I would check it every day. Cancer, Baby writing always made me laugh and cry, so I tried to keep up with her blog. I would check and check and sometimes there would be something new, but most of the time I waited. Every once in a while there would be a post made on behalf of CB by her friend, which I always appreciated. Until the final post. It had been weeks. And there it was, CB had died. I was so sad for the loss of such a person, but glad that she was no longer suffering. http://cancerbaby.typepad.com/cancerbaby/ if you are interested. But here's the odd thing that I find myself doing every day since. I still go to her site and look. I read those words over and over, almost in denial, but I know better. And even more than that I know that that could be any one of us cancer people. I know that we walk a very fine line, balancing between the world of cancer, and the world of not, trying not to fall on either side of the fence.
I was talking to my mom the other day and she was voicing her concern over not being able to help me anymore now that treatment is done. Her want (and need) to help, to try and ease the burden that cancer has put on my family and she mentioned "survivor's guilt". I found that very interesting since I had only heard that term used by us cancer people when one of us dies. The guilt that we have survived (thus far) and another person has become a victim. I had never thought about survivors guilt in the context of non-cancer people. I learned a new thing that day, but more importantly, my eyes were opened a little bit more than they had been before. This cancer stuff can be so tricky. You don't know if you are coming or going, staying or leaving, surviving or just managing. I guess it is different every day, depending on how I am feeling and what is going on around me.
I go back to the doctor in August for my check. I have come to not like the graduation process, the opposite, of course, of what you would expect. These checks are little safety nets, they allow us to walk across with a quicker step in our feet, knowing that it will be there if we fall. Now, deep down I know that it is a false sense of security, because I know if the cancer were to come back, before they would find anything, I would probably have symptoms first. And by then.....well, the medical field is a science, that's true, but unfortunately our bodies don't always conform to how science conducts itself.
I don't even know if I am making sense anymore. Forgive me, I have been up since 5:15 with the girls, and the Diet Coke really isn't doing what it should at this point. I better go though and make sure everything's kosher around the house, and make it through another day.
I find myself doing some strange things, not that that would surprise anyone. Every time I turn on the computer, I have a few sites that I have put into my favorites that I look at every day. My Sisters In Survivorship online support group, which I have been laying low with lately, but check daily. Sometimes it gets overwhelming, and I need a break. Sometimes I check eBay, sometimes I play games, sometimes I look at our scarey bank account, and I always look at my favorite blogs. In fact, I have quoted one blog in particular called Cancer,Baby. I don't even remember how I came across it, but I would check it every day. Cancer, Baby writing always made me laugh and cry, so I tried to keep up with her blog. I would check and check and sometimes there would be something new, but most of the time I waited. Every once in a while there would be a post made on behalf of CB by her friend, which I always appreciated. Until the final post. It had been weeks. And there it was, CB had died. I was so sad for the loss of such a person, but glad that she was no longer suffering. http://cancerbaby.typepad.com/cancerbaby/ if you are interested. But here's the odd thing that I find myself doing every day since. I still go to her site and look. I read those words over and over, almost in denial, but I know better. And even more than that I know that that could be any one of us cancer people. I know that we walk a very fine line, balancing between the world of cancer, and the world of not, trying not to fall on either side of the fence.
I was talking to my mom the other day and she was voicing her concern over not being able to help me anymore now that treatment is done. Her want (and need) to help, to try and ease the burden that cancer has put on my family and she mentioned "survivor's guilt". I found that very interesting since I had only heard that term used by us cancer people when one of us dies. The guilt that we have survived (thus far) and another person has become a victim. I had never thought about survivors guilt in the context of non-cancer people. I learned a new thing that day, but more importantly, my eyes were opened a little bit more than they had been before. This cancer stuff can be so tricky. You don't know if you are coming or going, staying or leaving, surviving or just managing. I guess it is different every day, depending on how I am feeling and what is going on around me.
I go back to the doctor in August for my check. I have come to not like the graduation process, the opposite, of course, of what you would expect. These checks are little safety nets, they allow us to walk across with a quicker step in our feet, knowing that it will be there if we fall. Now, deep down I know that it is a false sense of security, because I know if the cancer were to come back, before they would find anything, I would probably have symptoms first. And by then.....well, the medical field is a science, that's true, but unfortunately our bodies don't always conform to how science conducts itself.
I don't even know if I am making sense anymore. Forgive me, I have been up since 5:15 with the girls, and the Diet Coke really isn't doing what it should at this point. I better go though and make sure everything's kosher around the house, and make it through another day.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
As Of Late
Yesterday I was able to do direct care with the kids in my program. I didn't know how much I had missed them. I was able to do a little catching up with them, asking about the count down until the last day of school, finding out what was new in their lives. It rocked. I played Uno with a handful of them as we got closer to closing time, and laughed like I haven't at my job, as of late. They have a way with me, that reminds me of why I do what I do, for the most part. It gets lonely working my shift, stuck in my little office with not a lot of contact with anyone, unless I need to make a trip to the office for whatever reason. So any time that I get to spend with the kids is priceless. They are able to fill a void that I have yet been able to put my finger on. Anyway.....
I had to call Dell today to order some more ink for our printer. I don't know how many times I told the lady that all I needed was one package of blank ink. One. Not two, not two and two color ink jets, no, I didn't need the "special" paper that apparently is all that will work in our printer (odd, the paper I have works fine). And for the love of God why, every time I go to order things from them, do they insist that I live at my parents address? STOP IT! I have them over and over our address. I have told them that probably my parents have an account with them too since they also have a Dell computer, but I assured her that I did not live with them. I have my own address, as strange as that concept may be. JUST MAIL ME THE DAMN INK! Ok. Whew. Got that out of my system.
We got a little pool for the girls and that is up and running in our backyard. To say that they love it would be an understatement. Unfortunately, they also love to go from the pool to the sandbox and vise versa. We seem to be building a little lake in our backyard, complete with a slide and plastic play things. No sea weed, as of yet. Wait. Does all of the grass floating around count as sea weed? Ah, sure. Why not?
I love American Idol (don't judge me) and tonight is the final night. I think it is on for 10 hours or something. But I do have to say that I am still on the bitter train (woo woo) because of Chris being voted out. He's my new boyfriend. Hot tamale. But, since he is gone, I am on the Soul Patrol bandwagon, and am proud to say that I have been since day one, I just liked Chris a tiny bit better. Hot tamale. But my vote (ok, about 20 of my votes) went to Taylor last night. Yes, I am a nerd who calls in and votes, but to my defense, I only started doing that this year. I need a life. Why am I so in love with this show? Simple. Because they can do what I could never do in a million years. And guess what? I love the musical Cats, too. In fact, my mom and I are going to go see it next week, and I can hardly wait.
So, with that, I will upload a few pictures of our backyard lake and then I have to go get the girls. I love comp time.....
I had to call Dell today to order some more ink for our printer. I don't know how many times I told the lady that all I needed was one package of blank ink. One. Not two, not two and two color ink jets, no, I didn't need the "special" paper that apparently is all that will work in our printer (odd, the paper I have works fine). And for the love of God why, every time I go to order things from them, do they insist that I live at my parents address? STOP IT! I have them over and over our address. I have told them that probably my parents have an account with them too since they also have a Dell computer, but I assured her that I did not live with them. I have my own address, as strange as that concept may be. JUST MAIL ME THE DAMN INK! Ok. Whew. Got that out of my system.
We got a little pool for the girls and that is up and running in our backyard. To say that they love it would be an understatement. Unfortunately, they also love to go from the pool to the sandbox and vise versa. We seem to be building a little lake in our backyard, complete with a slide and plastic play things. No sea weed, as of yet. Wait. Does all of the grass floating around count as sea weed? Ah, sure. Why not?
I love American Idol (don't judge me) and tonight is the final night. I think it is on for 10 hours or something. But I do have to say that I am still on the bitter train (woo woo) because of Chris being voted out. He's my new boyfriend. Hot tamale. But, since he is gone, I am on the Soul Patrol bandwagon, and am proud to say that I have been since day one, I just liked Chris a tiny bit better. Hot tamale. But my vote (ok, about 20 of my votes) went to Taylor last night. Yes, I am a nerd who calls in and votes, but to my defense, I only started doing that this year. I need a life. Why am I so in love with this show? Simple. Because they can do what I could never do in a million years. And guess what? I love the musical Cats, too. In fact, my mom and I are going to go see it next week, and I can hardly wait.
So, with that, I will upload a few pictures of our backyard lake and then I have to go get the girls. I love comp time.....
Monday, May 22, 2006
Floating in La La Land
I have had a hard time getting motivated to write lately. I know a lot of it has to do with being done with treatment, so I guess I will focus on my feelings about that topic.
So here I am in La La land, wondering what to do with myself. The first week after being done with treatment I found myself finding things that were for sure the cancer returning. Somewhere in my little brain the thought of "what if Herceptin was just holding it at bay this past year" began swimming around. The idea that there is cancer still there, but Herceptin kept it under control, has passed through my thoughts more than once. I would love to pull a little lever and turn those thoughts off, but as I gobble Tylenol for a headache (it's gotta be cancer), as I take a breath and feel a pang in my lung (it's gotta be cancer), as I look a little spot on my leg and pick at it a little bit (it's gotta be cancer), I can't control these thoughts and fears.
In fact, I have never felt so out of control since being diagnosed. At least then there was a plan of attack. At least then there was the outpouring of support at every corner we turned. At least then we didn't have to worry about our finances, we were pretty stable. Now, well, I can't say the same thing. Everything in my world is upside down. I am trying to get used to my new body, but find myself hating it more and more, not only for the fact that it just isn't me anymore, but for what it represents. I am tired of the aches and pains that cancer has brought to me, totally aware that it will only get worse as I get older.
Claire saw my hip to hip scar from reconstruction today and asked me what happened. How do I explain to a 3 year old what my body has gone through? I stumbled along, and really don't think that I answered her, which isn't fair, but I didn't know what to say. Nadia sees my hip incision that is still healing from my last adventure, and says,
"Mommy.....ohhhhhhh"
It breaks my heart, but I know the really tough part is to come. I have been toying with the idea of quitting the study I am in. One is for financial reasons, but also I don't know who the real new me is yet, and I don't think I will until the study is done, or until I quit it. I know all of the stories about menopause and how it effects women, so I can't tell those emotions apart from my real emotions. I hope that the emotions and feelings I am having now is not the real new me, and is the menopause. I have had some pretty dumb thoughts floating around in my head lately, so dumb that I couldn't even write about them if I wanted to, so I didn't.
I think I need to find something that makes me happy. Something that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning, instead of snoozing for an hour. Something that makes me smile, and proud, and honored to be a part of. Something worth doing.......something......
So here I am in La La land, wondering what to do with myself. The first week after being done with treatment I found myself finding things that were for sure the cancer returning. Somewhere in my little brain the thought of "what if Herceptin was just holding it at bay this past year" began swimming around. The idea that there is cancer still there, but Herceptin kept it under control, has passed through my thoughts more than once. I would love to pull a little lever and turn those thoughts off, but as I gobble Tylenol for a headache (it's gotta be cancer), as I take a breath and feel a pang in my lung (it's gotta be cancer), as I look a little spot on my leg and pick at it a little bit (it's gotta be cancer), I can't control these thoughts and fears.
In fact, I have never felt so out of control since being diagnosed. At least then there was a plan of attack. At least then there was the outpouring of support at every corner we turned. At least then we didn't have to worry about our finances, we were pretty stable. Now, well, I can't say the same thing. Everything in my world is upside down. I am trying to get used to my new body, but find myself hating it more and more, not only for the fact that it just isn't me anymore, but for what it represents. I am tired of the aches and pains that cancer has brought to me, totally aware that it will only get worse as I get older.
Claire saw my hip to hip scar from reconstruction today and asked me what happened. How do I explain to a 3 year old what my body has gone through? I stumbled along, and really don't think that I answered her, which isn't fair, but I didn't know what to say. Nadia sees my hip incision that is still healing from my last adventure, and says,
"Mommy.....ohhhhhhh"
It breaks my heart, but I know the really tough part is to come. I have been toying with the idea of quitting the study I am in. One is for financial reasons, but also I don't know who the real new me is yet, and I don't think I will until the study is done, or until I quit it. I know all of the stories about menopause and how it effects women, so I can't tell those emotions apart from my real emotions. I hope that the emotions and feelings I am having now is not the real new me, and is the menopause. I have had some pretty dumb thoughts floating around in my head lately, so dumb that I couldn't even write about them if I wanted to, so I didn't.
I think I need to find something that makes me happy. Something that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning, instead of snoozing for an hour. Something that makes me smile, and proud, and honored to be a part of. Something worth doing.......something......
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