Brite Hope

What's the Problem?

2011-06-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

Not sure. It has been the longest stretch of not blogging that I think I have ever done. And yet I sit here, trying to stay in the seat, knowing that there are about 5 million other things I should be doing, need to be doing. But I will stick out this uncomfortable feeling and do what I need to do on this handy little laptop of mine.

Our lives have been shifted, to say the least in the past 6 months. The addition for my mom is about completed, she has been living here for about 4 months. After about 2 months I came to the conclusion that she should not be home alone all day. She is having more and more trouble getting around, or I should say, she can't get around. It is quite the process to get her to the car to go to the doctor, and frankly, is exhausting for both of us. Please don't take that as a gripe, because it's not. It's just a lot of work. So doing that, working full time, and caring for my immediate family, something had to give. Dion and I sat down for hours and hours, revamping our budget and finances, and by changing some habits and making some big changes, we have made it so that I could quit my job to try and help my mom get through what we hope to be a rough patch. Now, from what I said it sounds like it was a piece of cake, what we did, but I assure you, it has not been easy. And it won't be. But what it boiled done to was a state of mind. We explained a lot of the money parts to the girls, and they know and understand what we are doing, and why we are doing it. Not to say that there aren't days that they want to get a new toy or such, but hell, there are days when I get pissed because I want something new. But we stay the course. Some days are harder than others, but together we seem to be hanging in there.

Anyway, enough about that. I took my mom to the Spine Center in the cities. She no longer can walk further than about 10 feet. Her spinal cord is being crushed causing a lot of pain and minimal movement for her right leg. She can have surgery to fix it, however, she still has the wound from 6 years ago that just does not want to heal that last part. Thus making surgery a bit riskier, but something they are willing to work with. And so is she.

After that, they need to look at replacing both hips and a knee. I am hoping that this will help her, and understand that she will not be what she was, but at least she will be better than she is now. It's not easy watching your parents get older.

Claire will be going into 3rd grande and Nadia into 2nd next fall. However we are changing districts. The girls are very excited for this change, and after touring the school, we are too. There was not one negative things we found about the district. I am unable to say that about our current one.

This spring Nadia fell off of her bike and spilt her chin (6 stitches) and broke her jaw. The break was very minor and didn't require and surgery...thank GOD!! She was back to her normal self in no time, much to my dismay. She is a rough player and I worried for a long time that she would re-injure or make her injuries worse. She proved me wrong. That kid......

We are going on a family trip next month! Pack your bags we're heading for TEXAS! Yee haw! Why the hell would anyone go to Texas in the summer, you ask? Why, to visit our dear friends who moved there in March. Claire is besties with Alli, and Nadia is besties with Eli, and Sarah and I are Mojito Mammas, and the rest, well, they just have to put up with us. But really, it has been sad around here without our friends. They used to live at the end of our street, and now they live at the end of our country. What the hell? But we are all very excited, to say the least. I am going on record that Eli and Nadia will be married some day. Well I can wish, can't I?!?

Ok. That's it for now. I have to go hunt down one of the cats that got out of the house. SHould be fun. All part of being a mom.

What's Worse?

2011-01-30T15:41:00.000-08:00

I think I made a bad choice. I got the flu inhaled shot 20 days ago. I have been sick for 19. What the heck? Not enough to miss work because of it, but enough to make me grumpy about it. Not much I can do about it I guess, except just say no next year. And forever after that. I am kind of wondering if my Sarcoidosis has played a part in me having such a rough time with this, but who knows? Maybe the radiation has messed up part of my lungs as well.

We are getting closer and closer in being done with the whole addition process. They are working on the little things now, and as it seems we are looking at next weekend to start the moving process with my mom. I was up in her area earlier today and was looking at the sun pouring in through the windows. It was beautiful. I know she will love her area, simply for that. That and she can watch the girls sled down the hill in the backyard just by looking out her window. Yes, this has worked out better than any of us thought it would. I am just feeling the need to get her in here sooner than later. She seems to be in a lot more pain than she has been lately, and I worry quite a but about her. In the past the back surgeon said he wanted her off all pain meds for 3 months prior to him doing surgery. I don't see how that will be possible. Today I mentioned maybe getting a second opinion just to see what another doctor thinks. The plan for now is to try and get the front wound healed, and then go for the second opinion. Something has to change here as she can't keep going in the stage she is in.

I could use a nap. Not that I will get one, I just said I could use one. That and something sweet. And maybe a large win in the lottery. And a bathroom break. Better go.....in more ways than one....hahahah!!

A Rocking Saturday Night

2011-01-22T18:19:00.000-08:00

But not really. In fact the only ones rocking tonight would be Claire and her friend Alli who are doing Just Dance on the Wii. Interesting stuff. Nadia and her friend Eli are upstairs doing lord knows what. They are a lot alike. Almost scary alike. We are having a sleepover with Allie and Eli, who live down the street. A fun group of kids to watch. We'll see what happens at bedtime though.

My mom's carpet was put in yesterday. We are that much closer to her moving in, and she is very excited. Her part of the home looks amazing, and I am excited for her too. There's some odds and ends that need to be done and then it's moving time.

Remember how I said I was sick from the flu shot? I am just starting to lose the cough. Two weeks people. It was almost two weeks ago that this started. What the heck?

I was at Perkins the other day, and I saw the strangest sight. I tried to get a picture of this guy, just to prove what I saw, but I lost the opportunity so I will just have to explain in to you and trust that you will believe what I saw. I had a profile view of a man with a mustache and a beard. He was sitting with a woman, so keep in mind she had a head on view of this guy. As he sat, deep in conversation, I saw something dripping out of his nose which I can only assume was snot. It hung on his mustache and slowly dripped down to where I thought it was going to drip on to his plate. And he just kept talking. And she just kept looking at him, not in awe or disgust, just like a normal conversation with the added effect of snot. I know I furrowed my brow in disbelief as I fumbled for my phone. But after the drip was about an inch long, he wiped it. I didn't see her motion to her own nose in an attempt to tell him he had a little something dripping, so I can only guess he finally noticed that snot was dripping out of his nose. So that was my Perkins adventure, which I missed documenting and posting on Facebook. Sad.

Ok, now I have to do some hairstyles for the girls while the kids all try to agree on one movie to watch. This will be interesting. And probably not productive.

A New Look

2011-01-16T13:08:00.000-08:00

I did not know how hard it would be to pick a new layout and colors and such for my blog. There's a lot to pick from but to find the right one which shows who you are or what you want to be or what you stand for, was tough. I flipped through quite a few pictures and designs and colors and found this one. A simple flower, beautiful in it's own way. Not with a lot of colors, not flashy, just a little touch of nature to remind us of how beautiful things around us really are. Perfect.

As this first month is thinking about coming to an end, I have been thinking as well. Thinking about the direction of my life, my family's lives. Thinking about things that I need to change, keeping in mind that I can not make anyone else change. Not putting so much emotion in to things that are not how I would like them to be, but rather accepting them for what they are, and moving on. I may not be surrounded by all of my friends, as they are currently located all around the world (literally), but I know no matter what I can call on them. I know that they will support me, give me advise, and just, for lack of better terms, be there. And that, my friends, is priceless. Especially when you start to doubt yourself, or things that may have happened. I can count on them to tell me what they think honestly, and they help keep me grounded. Some issues came up and I asked one of my camp friends who was visiting this weekend if I was the one who was not thinking through the situation with an open mind. How amazing to have people that I can trust and talk to openly without being judged.

Anyway, I am so exhausted as of late, and to add to that, I got the flu inhaler on Monday night and now I am sick with a gross cough and horrible headaches. This is the last time I am getting the flu shot. I always seem to get sick after it. All I want to do is sleep and in fact I have dozed off about three times doing this post. Ugh. So enjoy the simplicity of the flower and decide what it means to you. New life? Love of nature? A hint of what's to come? You decide. I already have.

The End of Another Year

2010-12-30T15:20:00.000-08:00

I can't believe this year is almost over. And what better way to end it than with the flu. Ugh. Not so good times, but I am over the hump and will go back to work tomorrow after missing 2 days. I am still a little sore but I think it was from the actual puking process.

I have had the girls home with me today and it was manageable. There were times when I wanted to crawl under my covers in my bed to get away from them, but I didn't. Like when Nadia was bouncing against the couch, or when Claire was yelling in my ear, or when they took over the TV. But then I remember the cards they bought me and signed with their cute penmanship, and the soft teddy bears they picked out and gave to me last night, and every thing's alright. It's not easy on anyone when Mommy's sick. The world sort of comes to a screeching halt as though nothing is capable of happening until said Mommy is healthy again. Why is that? I did manage to clean the kitchen (twice) today. Once from the normal kitchen clean up stuff, then again to pick up all of the play dough gadgets left from the girls. Of course that had to include sweeping up the little bits of dough that were all over the floor. I have a headache, but I really don't want to have to go upstairs to get the pills. I'm tired and crabby and Dion just sent a text that he is running almost an hour late. Fantastic. Good day to have him come home late.

But anyway, this year was kind of up and down for me. I am looking forward to starting a new year, with new hopes and such. I am hoping that I can get some energy back and enjoy things more than I did in 2010.

I have to stop for now, as I have four extra eyes looking over me and reading everything out loud, which may or may not be exasperating my headache. But it is kind of funny listening to my eldest trying to pronounce it. Repeatedly. Can't figure out why my head hurts....

Merry Christmas Eve!

2010-12-24T14:07:00.000-08:00

I think we are setting records in the amount of snow this year. Not too long ago we got about 20 inches, then added another 6 or so, then today added another 4 or 5. Snow snow snow! But that's ok. It is so beautiful outside, and rather peaceful. Which is good. Peaceful is good.

Work is going well. I am still exhausted by the end of the day, which I kind of hoped with even out by now. Not sure what is wrong with me, but it would be nice to be able to stay up past 9 or so again.

The kitchen is almost completed in our house, minus a few touches here and there. It's like being in a different house when we are in our kitchen. It is so nice and beautiful, and very easy to work in. The rest of the addition is coming together, but we still don't know when my mom will be able to move in. I think we are all looking forward to that day, as she hasn't been doing the best as of late. The pain meds barely take the edge off of her pain, and I will just feel safer when she is here and I am able to help her on a regular basis. I know she is looking forward to that too. She has developed an infection in her wound, and I blame the insurance company. They have messed around with getting her infusion approved, which was helping her so much before. They began by denying the medication in the infusion. Now they have approved that, but not the saline. The saline? Really?? I hope it gets straightened out soon so she can get back to the job of healing. Ugh. It's frustrating. More so for her, but frustrating to watch.

Tonight we will do the 5th annual reading of The Night Before Christmas. After the story is done, we always hear Santa's bells outside so the girls know they should get to bed so Santa will come. Works out nice....

Other than that, it has been a day of staying in our pj's, not doing a whole lot of anything. Sounds perfect to me.

By Request of Some

2010-12-12T08:01:00.000-08:00

I have made a change. I had my blog set to private so I could write what I wanted/needed to write. I have decided to change it back to public, but have taken a bunch of posts and set them as drafts so they will be mine and mine alone. This way I can still write what I want to write, and keep them private. So, here I am with a lot to catch up on...

We put Sammie down this fall. She was 13 years old and life was getting hard for her. There was no way that I was going to wait until she was unable to get around and in a lot of pain. I held her after her sedative for a while, smelling her fur, feeling her soft ears, creating memories. Then she was gone. It was a sad day. Very sad. After a few days of being a dog empty house, I began the search for another canine friend. It was needed. Our house was empty. Then I found Jenny. She is a Blue Heeler mixed with maybe some rottie, not sure though. She is 6 years old, and in the few months we have had her, she has become our friend, protector, jester, and companion. She stays with us without having to be on a lead, she listens, she plays with all her toys, she is perfect. I couldn't ask for a better dog.

We are still working on the whole house addition for my mom. Right now the kitchen is being out together. Which is a good thing since Dion's family is coming for the faux Christmas on Thursday. As of right now, we have cabinets. By Wednesday we will have counters, a floor, and appliances. Hopefully. It has been very stressful trying to figure out if this is all going to come together in time. Keeping in mind that all of our previous kitchen stuff is located in our living room. All of it. We have a chest freezer underneath our picture window. we have our old cabinets holding up our microwave which is located right next our recliner. Convenient, really. The fridge is next to the computer, which makes for easy drinking accessibility. Wait, maybe we should keep our kitchen in our living room....

Work is going well. It is exhausting at times, but is going well. I have ten 4-5 year olds which offer entertainment daily. I have them from 7:45-3:45pm. I guess there's a reason I am so tired at night. My boss has given me many compliments, which is nice to hear, and the kids seems to have fun in class.

We got dumped on in the last couple days. About 18 inches of snow. It was so pretty to watch and I was glad we didn't have to go anywhere. Today, on the other hand, feel like we live at the South Pole. The wind chill may get to -30 today. -30!! That's not humane at all! And now the girls can't play outside in all of the fantastic snow!

My mom has been up and down with her health. A few weeks ago I had to call an ambulance for her. I got to her house and she was in so much pain that the home health care nurse suggested I take her in. I didn't feel like I could get her down the stairs by myself so I had to call for help. They gave her morphine during the ride and that helped her a lot. She now has some pain patches and those help too. I am really looking forward to her being here so I can get to her quick and help her fast if needed. I can't count how many times I have gone over to her house because I couldn't get a hold of her. Now I will just go up some stairs.

Ok, I think I have bombarded enough. More to come, at some point.

Where's a Bucket?

2010-08-15T19:07:00.001-07:00

Just so I can vomit into it.........

The Summer is Coming to an End

2010-08-15T18:19:00.000-07:00

Today was a reminder of the fact that summer will be over soon. The weather was so wonderful, a nice break from the horrible humidity we have been having over the last 2 weeks or so. We actually opened up the windows and filled the house with fresh air. Complete sweetness.

Today was my first paid photo shoot of a little girl named Claire. If you look at the top of my page you will see my Flickr pictures, and that is her. She is such a little doll! She was adopted by my friends, and they are anxiously awaiting bringing home Ian next month. He is 8 months younger than Claire. They will be busy busy people. But it was awesome to catch up with Vicki, it's been years since we have seen each other. Well, minus talking on Facebook. She is one of my camp friends, and there's nothing like camp friends!

School is starting next month, and all the supplies are purchased. However, I have to go back to work in 2 weeks, so unbeknownst to my kids, they will have to go back to daycare in 2 weeks as well. I'm keeping that on the down low for now. I know how that is going to play out and it is not going to be pretty. I have enjoyed most of the summer with them, but I am looking forward to having more adult time once I am back in the work force.

Next weekend is my mom's estate sale. All this week is going to be devoted to getting ready for that, starting with getting an ad in the paper tomorrow. My mom asked me to write that up, so I will do it tonight and call in the morning. These sales are a lot of work, and I hope it pays off for her.

We had the cancer walk on Friday. Our team raised $4115 for the event and the rain stayed away, and I am still waiting on the grand total, but I know it is over $140,000. What an event! Our town is one of the highest per capita money raisers for Relay for Life. We are proud. Again, thank you to those who donated to me for this wonderful event. It couldn't happen without you.

I'm thinking of my dad this week as it marks the 2nd anniversary of his death. It's a challenging time of the year as I fight back the thoughts of watching him die. I find myself looking to him for advise, missing what he would offer. We will be going up to the cemetery on Tuesday. The last time we were there the girls had colored pictures for him and we slipped them into his niche. They miss him a lot, and we often talk about death and God and heaven. But mostly we talk about the memories we have of him, and think about ways that we can remember him. It's going to be a rough week. But we will get by. We always do.

The Heat! Oh My God, the HEAT!

2010-08-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

Do you remember that episode from Seinfeld when Elaine is talking about hell and how hot it is there? That is how it is here. It is unbearable outside, even for a few minutes. I am not sure how Kay works on the addition in this heat, but day after day, he is here, working, sweating, drinking water and sweating some more. Today he is getting the wrap around the outside with the goal of getting the windows put in this week. That man is a machine and we are so very lucky to have him. I know I say it all of the time, but it is true. I have never met someone like Kay, and most likely never will. Lucky. That's what we are.

We have the cancer walk this Friday. I'm not sure where our team is at as far as total money raised, but I think we are over $3000. I have another $60 to take in that I have gotten since bank night, and I think Dion has another $250. Sweet. Of course this year they are saying that we are going to get rain (for the 3rd straight year in a row!!), possibly some strong storms. I don't mind walking or hanging out in the rain. What bothers me is the fact that the bags with all the names on them get ruined. That is almost a heartbreak to see. But, we have to remember the goal of the night. And I am looking forward to it, rain, or no rain.

We are refinancing our house to take advantage of the lower interest rate. We had an appraiser come through yesterday, so the days prior to were spent cleaning and organizing, and dang, the house was spot on! It actually echos a little bit in the living room. And now the goal....to keep it this way. However, I can hear four kids upstairs who might make it a little bit of a challenge.

After the appraisal was over yesterday we went out on the river with our friends and docked at a beach about a half hour away, and relaxed. It was wonderful! Just wading in and out of the water, watching the kids play in the sand. It was just what I needed after a couple of stressful weeks. Next week will not be much better as we get ready for my mom's estate sale. Way too much to do.

But, on an exciting note, I am going to the cities on Sunday to take some pictures of a friend's daughter. I hope it goes ok as I am not 100% confident of my abilities. I will see if I can get permission to put them on Flickr so if you would like to see them you can.

Speaking of, I have a few that I need to add to the site while I am thinking of it.

The Shuffle...Please Help

2010-07-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

It's that time again folks. Actually, I am running a bit behind, so you must forgive my urgency. The cancer walk is just around the corner, and like previous years, we are walking it. However, I am in need of some donations to keep our team going. It's a flat donation, nothing by the mile or hour, just whatever you may feel comfortable giving. $5, $10, $20, $100. I do have to say though, that if you are interested in purchasing a luminaria, they are $10, but that can be included in your donation. So say you wanted to honor/remember 3 people and you are donating $50. Then $30 of the donation would come out of the $50. Get it? It's kind of a tricky thing to explain at times, so I hope I did it justice.

Anyway, most of us have been touched by cancer one way or another. You have, simply by reading this blog and knowing that I was diagnosed 6 years ago with breast cancer, and 2 years ago my dad died of Lymphoma. But I am sure you could count on your hands many times over other that have been fighting the cancer battle. And how is it possible for the battle to be fought? By the American Cancer Society. AKA: The Shuffle. We have been walking The Shuffle for the past 9 years, raising money for a good cause that at the time we didn't know we would need.

Please help us help others.....write me at flaskafive@yahoo.com if you are interested in donating. I will email you my home address and together we can help those who really really need it. You guys are the best!

The Deadliest Catch

2010-07-26T19:06:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure why I have such an obsession about the death of Phil. I watch these tough men weep at the lost of their friend, and I weep with them. I can't get enough of the show. The one we watched last night had to do with a documentary of the men who document the crabbers. Ironic sort of. But it was good. To watch Phil write when he couldn't talk that there has to be an end....ugh.....he was such a decent guy. I know that I am acting like I knew him personally, which I didn't, but I just really liked him. He worked side by side with his kids, and demanded that they worked to their highest capability. They didn't get breaks because they were his kids. But you could see how much he loved them, and they him. I wonder what the show is going to be like next season.

We miss you Phil. A lot.

I Never Could Juggle

2010-07-22T21:36:00.001-07:00

I am finding myself getting more and more stressed as time goes on. I sat on the couch a few days ago, wondering how I was going to get everything done that needs to get done. Ironically, on my Laundry List, was laundry. It never ends. Never. It just grows and grows, until one day the laundry room explodes and I have no choice but to do 500 loads of laundry. And that's not even the worst part. Putting it away is another story. But, after tonight, I am happy to say that once again I can see the floor of the laundry room. For now.

I am feeling the pressure of getting stuff done around here and at my mom's house. My sister and I have been the ones packing things up and moving them to storage. My mom gets emotional because she is unable to help. I keep telling her that I can't do what I am doing without her there to direct me on what stays and what goes. And there's a lot of stuff. I spent time in the garage, finding all of the things my dad had stored away.....like 6 of the same screw driver set. And tools I have never seen before. And holiday decorations. Many of them. My dad loved the holidays for the simple reason that he loved to decorate. Halloween was his favorite.

Most of the plywood on the addition is on the addition. unfortunately, there is a section over the existing house that needed a tarp on it. We had strong rain today, and part of the tarp was blown off. That area is located in the laundry room. Hence the laundry getting done today. It got a little wet.

Yesterday I got the dumpster loaded with old siding and other junk ripped off of the house. It was dirty work, but here's how I feel about that. I was sweating. A lot. But I loved it. I love the feel of sweat rolling down my face. It is the sign of a honest, hard day of work. If I could have a job where I did stuff like that all day, not only would I be skinny from sweating all day, but the pain would feel so good. Odd, I know. I need to get back to the gym.

Tomorrow is the last day of the basketball camp the girls are attending. Day one was a challenge. Claire wanted to quit. I wouldn't let her. She wants to take gymnastics (again...she quit that about 2 years ago), but I told her that if she couldn't finish the commitment of basketball, she could not sign up for gymnastics (again...reminder, she quit the first time). It was a rough first day, but she stuck with it, and is actually having a good time. Today she made 8 shots in one minute. Nadia made 3....she is pretty short so the distance to the basket is so high for her. She was happy though, since she only got one yesterday. I originally thought I would take those 2 hours they were at basketball for myself. To do whatever I wanted. Go where ever I wanted. Just me. Alone. Except for the fact that I love to watch them play. I sit in the gym for the 2 hours they are there, and watch, and beam with pride. I can't help myself. It's just that I enjoy watching them play, more than having time to myself.

So that is that. I am getting tired, and to be honest, Wipeout is playing on DVR and well, that show is awesome. Good night, and big balls (if you watch Wipeout, you had to see that coming, right?).

Fran

2010-07-21T19:01:00.000-07:00

It had been a while since I had been to Fran's blog, I am embarrassed to say. Fran was called to heaven last month. Please keep her friends and family in your thoughts and prayers.

She was a fellow breast cancer kid, and it's wrong in so many ways.

So many.

Volcanos!

2010-07-18T10:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went to a wedding of a friend of ours who works at the same company as Dion. It was beautiful. I was talking to another friend there and we discussed that after getting married, going to weddings has a whole new meaning. And it does.

We also talked about the coveted Vegas trip. When we went on our honeymoon, we stayed at the Treasure Island hotel, which was awesome, but next door to us was the Vegas Mirage Hotel. If you have never seen the volcano erupt, you certainly must, and can do so here. The way they were able to set up the lighting and water is so cool! I am so pumped to see it again, but this time take my super awesome camera to take super awesome pictures. They also play music and the water shoots in the sir to the beat. It's so neat! I can hardly wait to see it again. It's pure magic.

The Mirage is a pretty cool place to hang out and hopefully we will be able to. There's so much that I want to see and do, but have to remember that we will only be there for a few days. Being that it is a work trip, we have some things that we have to attend for Dion's work, but who could complain about that? MAN! I wish it were sooner! I have never been good at waiting.

So, while we are there, does anyone have any other suggestions of things we have to see? I know I want to go to the pawn store from Pawn Stars.....I HAVE to meet Old Man and Chumly. HAVE to!! Dion said he won't stand in line with me, so looks like I'm flying solo for that, but dude....totally worth it!

It Makes Me Giggle....

2010-07-09T19:17:00.000-07:00

....that my mom has a Facebook account. Not sure why, but it does. So find her and ask to be her friend! She will get a kick out of it.

So on the agenda today was moving ceiling tresses from the top of our driveway to the bottom. Ugh. I am a tad sore, but we got the job done. The addition is looking pretty awesome. If you're friends with me on Facebook, go take a look in the mobile uploads.

The past few weeks have been about friends and family. I took the girls to my brother and sister-in-laws house. That was about a 6 hour endeavour, including a stop to eat. From there we went to a college friend's house and hung out for the night. It was fun to watch our kids play together for the first time. They all got along really well, which was cool. From there we went to my college roommate's house for the night. Again, a good time. We got back on a Thursday, and were supposed to head to Hayward WI for a little R & R at the company cabins. Claire had a 105 temp in the early early morning. Dion took her in. They tested for strep and mono, negative for both. It was a virus. We didn't go. We held off for a day to see if she got better, and she did enough to go. It was great. The girls went inner tubing for the first time. I sat in the back of the boat, clenching onto one child, watching the other in the water like a hawk. Nadia's saying the whole time?

"FASTER!"

She loved it. Claire liked it, but Nadia loved it. But, at 4 in the morning, the day we were to leave, Nadia was up with a 104 temp. Same thing. A virus. We went home, and shortly there after, Dion had the same thing. I have survived...so far. Fingers are crossed.

Ok, I am watching After the Catch our of the corner of my eye. I have seen this one already, but Phil dying this year has really affected me. It's almost an obsession. I love Catch, and it will never be the same again. So, instead of watching out of the corner of my eye, I will give in and turn off the puter and watch. RIP Phil.

Trying From the Phone Again....Dang it....Still Doesn't Work. Humph.

2010-07-04T20:24:00.000-07:00

Some Fun Changes

2010-07-03T15:02:00.000-07:00

Did you see? Did you see? I found a little time to mess around with my blog and make some changes! Unfortunately, I somehow managed to lose the tickers for the girls and my marriage. Might have to work on that to get them back. But I do like the design, and the fact that there is a link to my Flickr page. Sweet.

One more thing, a while back I wrote about how stem cells are able to be harvested from adults. One of my high school friends who has the type of cancer my dad had, recently was given a stem cell transplant from her brother. Thank God for technology....prayers that the transplant worked.

Ok, off to make more changes to the blog.

And Then it Was July

2010-07-03T14:20:00.001-07:00

Wow....hey June.....where did you go? I can't believe that it's July already! Of course, the weather feels like July. It is hot today! My in-laws have been doing a road trip of sorts, and sent Dion a text saying that it was over 100 degrees in Vegas while they were there. Now THAT is hot. Speaking of Vegas, it will be in a mere 9 months or so that Dion and I will be going. I told him I want to take a trinket to the pawn shop featured in Pawn Stars. How awesome would that be?!?

When Dion and I were in Vegas for our honeymoon, we had a lone $10 bill after winning a little and we decided to put it in a $5 machine. We spun once...lost. We spun again, won $10. We spun again....lost. Hmmm. We spun for a last time.....won $100. Cash out. Thank you very much Vegas. Of course they are coming up with more and more online casinos if you prefer them. From what I have seen you can go to Online Casino Pedia which has all there is to know about online casinos. So if you're into that, then you may want to read up on the Top 10 online casinos just as an FYI. Always good to do some research on things before you do them.

A popular place to visit on the Online Casino Pedia is at the Casino King. I peaked around on there, but also found this video that shows some of the games available. It was pretty cool to see how the games work, and if nothing else, enjoy the music that accompanies it. I felt like I should have been in a spa, the music was so relaxing.

Anyway, I am pretty pumped about going to Vegas. I am sure it has changed a lot since we were there...it always is changing. Dion doesn't like to play the games like I do, but maybe I can talk him into slipping a $10 bill into a $5 machine again. Maybe we will cash out another $100. Or maybe not. It is called gambling after all.....

Is This Heaven?

2010-06-09T20:24:00.000-07:00

That is what Nadia asked me when we got to the top of the hill of the cemetery that my dad is in. She is such a thinker. What led up to us going to the cemetery was last night. I spent about an hour or so at bed time (well, past bed time) trying to comfort my crying daughters who miss my dad. The conversation went up, down, and all around. At one point, Nadia had a complete look of confusion while crying asking,

"How can there be people who do not believe in God? He made them! How can they not love Him?

She was so confused and sad. Claire asked me if after grandpa got to heaven, could he die again? They both pulled the 8 X 10 pictures they have of them and their grandpa off of the dressers and put them in bed with them. It was pretty much a heartbreaking night.

It's hard to believe that he died almost 2 years ago. I have very little memories of that summer. And the memories I have are mostly of him and how his body began to fail him. One night I drove to Rochester to hang out with him in the hospital. He acted mad that I drove an hour to sit in the room with him, but we talked more that night than probably our whole relationship. I asked questions and listened to his answers, not wanting to leave, but knowing I had a family at home who needed me too. I stayed there about 2 hours.

I remember the feeling of when he was cancer free and the horrible feeling shortly there after when the cancer was back in full force taking over his body. And as Forrest Gump would say,

"And that's all I got to say about that."

Damn it cancer! Get out of my life!

Day One? Survived.

2010-06-07T19:03:00.000-07:00

The first official day of summer with the girls is about over and we all have survived. Yay! Today was packed full of not much of anything. I did make a hair wrap for each of the girls, which they seem to like for now. We played outside, went swimming in our friends pool, watched some quality movies like Winnie the Pooh, and played outside some more. I was going to go to my mom's, but I decided that the first day home would be just that.

I am noticing that the summer is rapidly filling up with things to do and places to go. That seems to happen every year. It's not a bad thing, it just is what it is.

I say the day is almost done because as I type this, out of the corner of my eye I see a little 6 year old girl who is trying to take a stand against going to bed. They are having trouble understanding that while they don't have school in the morning, they can't stay up all night. I think she just made her way over to the stairs. She has been a handful as of late, getting that little kindergartner attitude. And just ask either of my girls....I know nothing. They will ask me a question, to which I answer, and then they proceed to tell me that I am wrong. Oh how I don't long for the teen age years.

And now to go give kisses and hugs good night.....

The Office

2010-06-06T18:17:00.000-07:00

Every time that show comes on, I never ever go past the theme song on our DVR. Never. I figured out why. It makes me happy. You see, I started watching The Office when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I knew for those 30 minutes, that I wouldn't have to think of cancer. All I had to do was wonder what prank Jim would pull on Dwight, what dumb thing Michael would say, and why the heck was Pam with Roy? 30 minutes. Not a long time. Unless of course you're afraid you're going to die.

To this day, that theme song means the world to me.

Just thought you'd like to know......

Not a Good Sign

2010-06-06T17:37:00.000-07:00

I find it kind of scary that I am tired after this weekend. It's not like we did anything spectacular, it was pretty quiet actually. I am however, feeling like I could go to bed right now. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out things that I can do with the girls this summer that cost little to no money. It's a challenge I tell you. There are low cost things to do, but you have to drive to get there, which costs money. I am not too sure this whole new job without working in the summer is going to work out for us. But I will try to be positive, try to think of things to keep the girls busy, and try not to buy anything but food and toilet paper. Sounds like a fun summer, huh?

This upcoming week I will be taking the girls to my mom's so I can continue with packing her house up. It is rather overwhelming, trying to get all of this done. She wants it ready by the middle of the month. Yikes. Lots to do. Let alone things that have to get done around here.

But on the home front, the garage is starting to come to life. It is framed and you can actually start seeing what the finished product will be. It's exciting. But at the same time stressful. Well, that and other things going on. But that's for another time. Maybe. I actually think the added stress is why I am tired.

I haven't been able to take many pictures as of late, but when we went to Illinois I was able to take some. You might be able to find me on Flickr and see some of the new ones. I need to get out more though. It's good for my soul.

And I need some good things for my soul lately.

A New Era

2010-06-03T20:10:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it? Tomorrow is Nadia's last day of kindergarten. I'm not quite sure where time went, but it didn't even have the courtesy to let me know. What the heck? My baby doll is no longer a baby. How sad. As a side note though, this little baby doll of mine had two, count them, two head injuries at school this year. She is going to be our broken bone/stitches child. The first head bump was from being pushed outside by a classmate. It was quite the bump. About an inch and a half long, by maybe an inch across. But it was nothing compared to the second one which happened last week. The school called to have me pick her up because she got pale and sweaty after getting into the nurses office. This was was about as big in size, but stuck much further out than the first one. Oh, and it was in the same exact spot as the first one. I talked to the playground supervisor, and she said that Nadia was trying to jump over backpacks and didn't make it. But then she stood up and was holding her head while looking at the scrape on her knee. No tears, not until it was made known to her that she had a good bump. I took her in for this one as it was worse than the first and in the same spot. Everything was ok though. Her big concern, as was with the first one, was if her bangs would cover the bump. They did. Problem solved.

So since I am not working this summer, I am trying to find cheap things to do since I will not have a paycheck as well. I guess we will find out if we sink or swim this summer financially. Not really looking forward to that at all. We'll see......

It seems like this will be a replay of last summer as far as famous people deaths. We are not off to a good start so far with Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper on the list so far. Sad. But in an odd way, intriguing. Is that odd?

Tonight our local theater (play theater, not movie theater) showed The Wizard of Oz. It. Was. Awesome. The girls really liked it and I caught Nadia singing a few times. So cute.There were quite a few people there which was pretty awesome.

Ok, we are watching Deadliest Catch (speaking of stars who passed away). It is almost surreal watching Phil at the helm, knowing that he has died since the filming took place. I wonder how future seasons are going to go. I wonder how everyone is dealing with his death. I don't want this season to end because then the reality of his death is right there in front of you.

Before I close, I have to say a big thank you to Fox for not killing off Jack Bauer. I know that was a couple weeks ago, but sad as it is, I still think about it. I was so worried that they were going to kill him, but they didn't! They didn't! Maybe Jack will be back. I hope so. I love him.

Off I go.....

A Writer Writes About....Everything

2010-05-23T04:34:00.000-07:00

It has been an interesting week. Kind of a long one. And today, at this hour, the humidity is so heavy that I am sure when Nadia gets up her hair will hold curls that some people only wished they had. Since Friday, Claire has been announcing that Sunday (today) will be 90 degrees. Not just announcing, but telling everyone she can, repeatedly. I bet I could go wake her up and ask her what the weather will be like today, and she would say "90 degrees". But the hell if I am going to wake her. Both girls are sleeping, and this is my first alone time in a while. Although I have to say that last night, Nadia was my cleaning helper. She even vacuumed.....keep in mind she is 6. She helped with laundry, cleaning the living and family room, and if Claire hadn't been asleep, I bet she would have put clothes away too. So I can't complain too much about not getting much time alone the past few days.

Dion is coming home from a fishing trip he went on with his college room mate. They have been gone since Wednesday. I am tired. I have kept the girls going non-stop, and here are a few highlights.

I took them to see Shrek in 3D. It took a little bit for Claire to get used to the 3D-ness, but after she did, every once in a while out of the corner of my eye I would see her reaching out trying to touch something. Too cute. Nadia, on the other hand, sat there laughing almost embarrassing loud. Except one time she just expelled a large amount of air through her mouth sounding like a mini machine gun. They liked the movie. We got treats at the theater, Claire got nachos, Nadia got Dots, they shared a fruit punch and I got a soda and popcorn. As it turned out, Claire drank most of the fruit punch, ate most of her nachos and polished off Nadia's dots when Nadia decided to move and eat popcorn with me. Something I should have monitored a little better since about 2 hours after we got home all that junk food made a second appearance in our bathroom sink. Oops. My punishment was having to fish out the chunks that wouldn't go down the drain. Lesson learned.

Prior to going to the movie, we made a stop at Target. Thankfully not in our town as I think it was the most embarrassing purchase I think I have ever made. I will list the items.

1 box of Compound W wart remover
1 bottle of lotion for cracked and dry feet
1 tube of Preparation H
1 box of witch hazel towelettes
1 dog toy

The only things more I needed were condoms, a pregnancy test, and anti-diarrhea medication to make it the ultimate embarrassing experience. Thankfully, I have no need for any of those items. But as far as the other things, sheesh, could it be a more disgusting purchase? I had to throw in the dog toy to add a little "awwww" factor. And because I bought some cat toys the other day and Sammie just looked at me as to say "Where the hell is my toy??" I felt bad. She just kept looking at me people! What was I supposed to do??

So Claire has a wart on the bottom of her swear toe. We have been working and working on that thing, and it has been stubborn I tell you. Slowly, but surely, it has been dissolving. Kinda gross.

It's no secret that I have digestive issues and have dealt with fissures and such, but this new event is, well, not one that I would wish on others. Hmmm....well, actually, I could think of a couple here and there that I would hex with this, but not many. So that's why I had to buy the Prep H and witch hazel towelettes. I am trying everything possible before I go in to the doctor. So hopefully I can home medicate this alien that is trying to escape my body and avoid going in. But, you know, when you have breast cancer, you have to check your dignity at the door. For example, when I had reconstruction, the nipples were added later. The doctor took me in to the bathroom before surgery and handed me those monitors they stick on your chest for your heart and said, "Ok, place these where you want your nipples to be." I looked at him and said, "Ummm...as a male, where do you think they should be?" He stuck them on, and that's where the nipples are to this very day. See? No dignity. Plus also, give birth once and that's the end of that. You can't give birth without your whooha making an appearance. And lord help you if you poop while giving birth (I didn't, I prayed really really hard that I wouldn't. It worked.).

And I have really dry feet all of a sudden for some reason. I hate dry feet. I hate how they feel in my Crocs, and when I put on socks, and it's just yuck. So that's that.

Well, Claire has been sleeping for almost 12 hours, so I imagine she will be up soon, which means Nadia will be up soon, which means free time is almost over. Today we are going to go see a dog that might be of interest to us and take the shelter blankets to donate to them. As part of my Mother's Day gift, Dion gave the green light to add a canine buddy to our mix. I have been searching and searching and it seems like I find one just in time to wave goodbye to it as a new owner picks it up. A day late and a dollar short every time. Well, this one, they called me. So I'm pretty sure no one else has seen the dog yet. We'll see if he is a match. I know he is a border collie mix, like Sammie is, and his name is Cody. We'll see......

Catching Up

2010-05-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

I hate when I can't find the time to do things I love. Writing, taking pictures, sleeping...it all would be so nice. What is even more crazy is that I only work 15 hours a week. How can I not find time? Oh, well, I guess I should take that back. My first job is 15 hours a week, my second one, which is at night, would run another 6-10 hours depending on the week. But, that is over until the fall.

I will say though that things have been busy around here. We have started the process of the addition for my mom to move in. In the past 3 weeks, we have torn down the garage, and watched with awe as they came in with large motorized things and tore up the cement from the garage and dug and dug and dug, then poured footings, the cement wall, and finished up with 19 truck loads of sand to back fill. 19. I kind of feel like we live at the beach with all of the sand that's around. Well, without a body of water. Or shells. Oh hell.....it's nothing like being at the beach. It's pretty much like having an extra large sandbox. Or litter box. Either one.

So along with construction, I have been spending time getting stuff at my mom's house packed up. No small task. I put my foot down when it came to all of the bedsheets she had. I asked her how many sheets she wanted to keep for the spare bed. She said 6 sets. I said she could keep 2. And so on and so on. We are so lucky to have the relationship that we have. I think for many this would be something that would put a big strain on a relationship. We are blessed.

I took my mom to her second infusion of Remicade this past Monday. It's a long process. We got there at 10 and the infusion started at about 11:00am. It takes about an hour and a half. We stayed in the private infusion room. From the moment we walked in the door, I had a sinking feeling. The infusion room we were in was the room where I had my first chemo. It was a horrible experience. My port wasn't working well, it hurt, and just it being the first treatment made it a very nerve racking experience. As the day progressed and actually into the night, I just got crabbier and crabbier. I didn't really know why, until it came to me late that night. I sat in that room facing the office of my first oncologist, looking at the back of her head for most of the time we were there. As it turns out, I still harbor some unpleasant feelings towards that doctor. In my mind I thought about what I would say to her if she talked to me (which she didn't), I thought about all the feelings I had when she told me that I probably wouldn't make it more than 5 years. I thought about my girls not growing up with a mom. Ugh. I just boiled even more when I finally figured out why I was so crabby that night. Why is it so hard to just set myself free from all of that hatred? Why can't I just say it was what it was, and move on? Maybe I will never be at that point. Is that ok? I have no idea. I want to tell myself to just let it go, but then I think about all the people that were affected by what I was told by this doctor. I think about the phone calls I had to make to tell friends and family that the cancer had returned, and it didn't look good. I think about telling Dion that he could re-marry, just not anyone too high maintenance. I think about digging frantically in our safe for my life insurance policy, so financially he would have a little something extra to raise our kids. Ok, I have to stop. I guess it will be quite some time before it does not make my blood boil. And maybe that's ok. In the long run, because of that doctor, I ended up with an oncologist that I love who does the research and gives me honest opinions and who, unlike my other one, can laugh. That is important to me. I met amazing cancer survivors and remained friends with some of them. So, I guess I owe that doctor a thanks. Thanks for telling me that I was dying so I could go get a second opinion which led me to my current oncologist with whom I wouldn't trade for anything.

So there. That's what has been going on around here. Oh, and also, I have 3 more days of work and then I am off for the summer. The first time in about 20 years. I'm not sure what the heck I am going to do. That is territory I haven't covered in many many years. I'm think the girls and I will be hitting the pool many times. Sweet. Plus the whole remodel and such. It will be a summer to remember.

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

It is Mother's Day. I slept until 10:30am, only outdone by Nadia who slept until 11:30am. That's my girl. Claire woke up at 7:30am, that's Dion's kid for sure. And finally it is a nice day....not too cold, and the blasted sun is finally out. Things have been a moving and a grooving at our house. Let's start with the addition.....

It took 3 days for us to take down our garage. We saved as many 2x4's that we could to re-use for the addition. I'm not even sure if I have mentioned the addition yet....hmm....well, it's been in the make for over a year. Trying to figure out ways to get my mom in our house with allowing for private space for all of us. We have gone through so many ideas, but finally got one that stuck. The plan is to put an addition onto the back of our house that will contain two bedrooms, a living room, bathroom, and laundry. But in that process a lot has had to happen. We tore down the garage, and the excavators came and made a big mess in the back yard, and the footings have been poured. Monday the walls will be poured for the basement, and after that, I have no clue. We will be extending our kitchen as well, but I think that craziness will be one of the last things we do so as not to keep our kitchen in disarray for too long. We found cabinets on Craigslist. They are sweet! And many many of them. But as we all know, one cannot have too many cabinets. So that's what's going on in our home.

We have a dog named Sam. She is almost 13 years old. Dion gave her to me as a birthday gift when I turned 23. But now we are faced with choices. She has been peeing in the house. We are now on our second pill for her to see if that helps. They think she has dementia and doesn't know she is peeing in the house. Fantastic. This new pill we have was a little under $30 for 7 pills. Wow. They didn't give me the whole supply of pills because of the cost of them. They want to see if they help first. Ugh. I feel bad for her. Not only does she have the whole pee thing going on, but her teeth are horrible making her breath smell like she eats poop on a regular basis. I'm not sure if she would make it through a surgery to remove her teeth, plus the cost of that is not all that great either. So, we are trying this last pill, and if that doesn't work I'm afraid we will have to put her down. It's not something we want to do. She has been with us so long, but we have to weigh everything out.

I only have 3 more week of work, then I am off for the summer. My new position does not include summer hours, so this will be the test if it's something we can afford. It's a good summer to have off as the whole house project will be going on and I have to get my mom packed up and get her house on the market. No small tasks there....and the girls are excited to not have to go to daycare. I have been working on things for us to do that doesn't cost a lot of money. So, if you would like some visitors this summer....let me know.

OK, have to run. I could spend all day typing. Happy Mother's Day my friends!

Discoveries

2010-05-06T17:38:00.000-07:00

I've had many thoughts lately of death. Not mine, but with it being almost the second anniversary of my dad dying, the recent cancer mets to my friend, more people I know being diagnosed...it never seems to end.

One thing that was mentioned when my dad was fighting his fight was a stem cell transplant. A very controversial topic to many. There is no black and white when it comes to stem cells. How could there be when there are so many emotions involved? Do I believe that people should produce babies for the sole purpose of harvesting stem cells? In no way, shape, or form. But, something that I have recently learned from this stem cell website is that scientists have figured out how to convert adult stem cells into what appears to have the properties of an embryos stem cells. How amazing is that? Of course I am more prone to thinking of cancer patients when it comes to this, like this article about an actress named Lisa Ray but I know stem cells can be used for other people who have medical issues.

In this video there is a lot of good information regarding adult stem cells, not embryonic stem cells. Talking about the medical and science professions making strides. The video is a little lengthy, but certainly worth the time for the education it provides.

Anyway, all we can hope for in this world is finding ways to reduce the suffering, without causing more suffering. I can't imagine being a woman who gets pregnant to donate her embryo. I lost a baby before Claire. The thought of doing that just about makes me sick. So when I saw that there are positive alternatives, I thought, "Right on, Scientists. Right on."

Can you imagine where we will be in another 25-30 years?

My phone won't let me type in the area where I would normally type. A sign I should not write what I am thinking.

2010-04-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

Spring Time Yuck

2010-04-09T12:01:00.001-07:00

I decided yesterday to make an appointment after having a sore throat for the past 2 weeks. Fearing that I had strep, I went in, dragging my feet. But hooray! It's a sinus infection! She asked to look at my throat a second time because of how red it was. Awesome. I picked up my 2 prescriptions, and had a few hours of sleep before I had to get the girls. Unknown to me, one of the pills made me tired. I got the girls home and they were so good! They got their own snacks and played really really well while I slept on and off on the couch. I was looking forward to another day of rest today while the girls were at school, until about 3:30am when Nadia woke up with a 102.6 fever. Then Claire was up at 6am with a 101.6 fever. Thank God I got some sleep yesterday or I might have been in trouble today. I am not at 100%, but the 65% that I am at right now has been enough to care for my little ones.

But I am oh so tired, as Nadia decided that after the meds kicked in at 4:30am, that it was time to talk about everything. Ugh.....chatter chatter chatter....now the girls are snuggling on the couch watching Wow Wow Wubbzy while I type away. Now there's some quality TV.

So, we are off to a great start for the weekend. Jealous?

Mayo and My Mom

2010-03-23T17:38:00.000-07:00

I took my mom to Mayo today for her abdominal wound. While it is healing, it is not healing at a rate that the doctor wants. And yes, it looks better than it did a few months ago, but at this rate, it will take forever. So, to help speed up the process, her doctor wants to start her on an infusion of Remicade. From what I understand, it will go for about 3 months, once a month. Each infusion takes 2-3 hours. It has been used on other patience who have had similar problems, and seemed to help them. Of course keeping in mind that everyone reacts differently, it may or may not be as successful for her. Her wound is measuring about 12 inches long and about 5 inches high, taking up most of her abdomen.

I hope this new treatment works. This is getting ridiculous.

I Just Can't Stop

2010-03-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

All day I have been thinking of my friend Fran and what she and her family are going through. What kind of a deal is it to almost make it to the 5 year mark and have cancer slap you in the face? It's not fair. It's not right. It sucks.

And with these thoughts I cannot help but think of if I were in that situation. My poor family. I don't know how I would be able to stand the thought of leaving them. The thought of my girls growing up without a mother. The thought of my husband trying to raise them alone. I have spent a bit of time today crying about these thoughts. Crying about what Fran is dealing with. Angry that all of this is happening.

The odd thing is that Fran and I have never met. We met through blogland. I found her blog while looking for other breast cancer survivors, and our stories were similar. I have learned through this though that you do not need to meet a fellow breast cancer survivor in person to build a relationship. We build these relationships through reading and writing. We build these relationship complaining about what we are going through. We understand each other simply by being able to relate in areas others just can't.

My heart has been aching all day over this, and I'm sure there is more to come. Fran and Ed had just adopted a beautiful little girl making them a family of four. How does this happen? And why to such good people? Something Fran had said was that she knew God would take care of her either way. Either here or earth, or in heaven. That either way, she wins. Oh to have that strength. I have been going through her blog, back to the beginning. Reading, crying, smiling, crying some more. I just can't stop.

And That is How Fast

2010-03-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

I was trying to catch up on my 800+ emails I have and came across one from a fellow breast cancer bud. She is my age, with kids, and was going to reach her 5 year mark in November. Her blog is in my list of other blogs worth reading.....Welcome to the World of Breast Cancer. It's with a sad heart that I found out her cancer has returned with gusto.

She had just had a clean bill in December. 3 months later it has spread to numerous places. And that is how fast things can change. And that is why I will never feel safe. And that is why I cry for her and her family. The beast will always be there. Damn this cancer. And for my friend Fran, I pray.

And The Countdown Begins

2010-03-12T17:10:00.000-08:00

I mentioned before that we spent our honeymoon in Vegas. What I didn't mention is that after those few days we went to the camp that we worked at to spend a few days there. Vegas is known as the town that never sleeps, and that is true. The strip always has lights on, there is a a line to wait for a taxi, and of course the casinos are hopping. So we went from that extreme to the complete opposite at camp. Total darkness at night. Nothing but crickets chirping, and stars almost as bright as the lights in Vegas. It was awesome.

We are fortunate enough that Dion works for a company that sends you to Vegas after 10 years of employment. And that is what the countdown is all about. In a mere 13 months we will be packing our bags to hit the strip again after 13 years. I can hardly wait! I know that the town will be different than when we went as Vegas is always changing. Now some people think that Vegas is not for them as they do not gamble. I, on the other hand, enjoy the pulling of a slot machine, but I also enjoyed the shows that we saw. Although one was a magic show and I was a little bit nervous about audience participation. Nothing happened. But, I am curious to see what kind of shows will be going on while we will be there, and will be doing some research on shows before we go.

For those of you who may think that Vegas doesn't have much to offer non-gambling people, take a peek at some of the shows they offer. Seriously? Penn and Teller? Sweet! I am so excited to go again! Of course, if you are jealous of the fact that I will be able to do some gaming, you could always do a little online gaming from home.

So anyway, we are pretty stoked to go on the trip and have Dion's company to thank for it. Is it odd that we have started the countdown when it is over a year away? Heck no! It is totally worth the countdown. And when we go, don't bother asking what we did. Because as you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Year Number Six

2010-03-07T08:12:00.000-08:00

Well, it's March. There are a lot of events in this month that make me think. I was diagnosed on March 17th, Nadia was born on March 19th, my dad's birthday is March 22nd, my father in law's birthday is March 26th, and my parents would have been married 53 years on the 30th. Crazy month.

So I am coming up to my 6 year mark for cancer. I had my 6 month check up last month, and failed to post it. Things have been kind of busy in my personal life, and as you can see I haven't even posted anything since January. Egads! Anyway, my check went fine, I was able to surprise my oncologist with a 17 pound weight loss. Rock on. I was also able to surprise him with my ultra low blood pressure. About 2 years ago I topped out at 150/100. Scary high. On my check up it was 110/80. He took it a few times, I think because he couldn't believe his little eyes. Well, they are average sized eyes, I don't want to make him out to be a freak or something. He is anything but that. Except he seems to mass produce children at a high rate of speed. When I started going to him, he had 3 kids. Now he has 6. I always ask him how his 20 kids are when we see him, but he beat me to the punch and walked in the room yelling his wife is pregnant with twins, and immediately laughed at his little joke. Although, by the next time I go see him, it is entirely possible his wife will be pregnant. His youngest is 1, after all.

Now on to Nadia. She will be 6 on the 19th. So a common question for a child who is about to have a birthday is, "what do you want for your birthday". And I did just that. Here are here top 3 answers:

1. A snowmobile (we have never been on a snowmobile)
2. A battery motorized car
3. A new scooter (she got one last year but proceeded to tell me that her feet were getting too big for it.

And that's all she would share with me. Apparently she is all about transportation this year. I will have to address this issue again in the near future. So my baby is going to be 6. Where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday Claire was wiping her poop on Nadia's little head. Ahhh...good times.

Did I ever tell you that we have new neighbors? I guess they are not really new anymore, they moved in last summer. And wow, they are fantastic. If by fantastic, you mean the biggest pains in the world, then yes, fantastic. Ok, a small exaggeration, but they are up there in the make you want to move sense. She is just a witch that starts her yelling at her boyfriend as soon as he walks in the door, which is obvious in the warmer months when windows are open. They had their clunker car parked in the grass all winter, which made for a lovely lawn decoration. And the number one reason why they suck.......their dogs. Now, if you know me, you know how much I love animals. But, when one is a yappy beagle, and one is a barky pit bull mix, well, the line has been drawn. We have left notes for them twice (since of course they don't answer their door) because the damn dogs are kept outside in a kennel and start barking around 6am, 5:30am on bad days. And they bark. And bark. And fight in the little dog house that was built for them. And then bark some more. And the owners do nothing about it. They leave them outside barking to their little hearts content. Ugh. Me no likey.

We also took a little vacation last week to the Dells with our friends who live on the other side of our house. It was a good time, even if the wave pool hurt my arms from the inner tubes, and cut up my feet from the floor. One of my favorite times was going around in the lazy river in a tube with Claire curled up in my lap. Truly a memory maker. Also people watching. Never a dull moment with that. Oh, and we watched The Hangover when the kids went to bed. Oh. My. Lord. It was too funny (but don't watch it if you get offended easily. It's not for the faint of heart). The humor is along the lines of Something About Mary, Old School, Role Models, etc. Anyway, I laughed until I snorted at some parts. So if you like that bad type of humor, watch it. If you don't like that kind of humor, well, then don't watch it. Easy peesy.

My mom and I have spent quite a bit of time at Mayo appointments. Her stomach wound is now about 12 inches long, and 5 inches wide. And while that sounds bad (and it is, I am not downplaying it at all), it is finally starting to heal. We have been going to a dermatologist who has been wonderful and things are starting to look up for her. Not to say that it will be a fast heal because I think it will take quite a bit of time, but at least it is healing. She finally agreed to have a nurse come in to help her with the dressings, which a a peace of mind for me, and the pain seems to be getting a very little bit better. But a little bit is better than nothing.

Ok, that's all for now. I will try not to wait another month an a half before I post again. But I have been mentally busy trying to figure some things out, which seems to be an ongoing process. One of these days I might figure some things out. We'll see. In the meantime, onward.

Mommy and Claire Day

2010-01-31T19:25:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday, Claire suggested that we have a Mommy and Claire day on Saturday. This is what she said,

"We could go out to eat lunch and share a desert, and go to the store to pick out Valentine's Day cards for my class."

Seriously, how could anyone say no to that? So we headed out Saturday and the first stop was a surprise for her. I took her to get her nails painted and have little gems glued on to them. You should have seen her cute little face. She was beaming. She picked out purple nail polish (of course) and little diamond like stones. They turned out very nice and she loves them.

She then picked Perkins as the choice of restaurant, but we skipped the desert as we were both stuffed. We then headed out to Target and got her cards and went to the car wash, and then met up with Dion and Nadia at the movies where he dropped Nadia off with us and the three of us saw Tooth Fairy together. It was a perfect day. One that I have stored away in my memory to pull out when Claire is 35 years old and to relish in.

I tell you, life is good.

Until today when she ran a low fever and we had to cancel plans with our friends. Claire and I were in our room watching a movie and Dion sent a text telling me what Nadia had asked,

"Does Claire feel like beautiful hot or like warm hot?"

Oh. My. Gosh. What's not to love about Nadia?

Ace

2010-01-31T16:37:00.000-08:00

When I was in college I took a psychology class. There were only six of us in that class which allowed for some good discussions and field trips. One of the trips we took was to a theater to see the movie Casino. I really didn't know much about the movie, except that it was long. We were supposed to have taken notes in the movie, but I was so enthralled with, well, everything, that I didn't take one single note. Now, if you have not seen this movie, be advised that there are violent scenes and they are disturbing. But oh the music, and the blasts of color, and the fact the the movie is based on a true story. A little fun fact, the main character's nickname played by Robert DiNiro is Ace in the movie. In real life his nickname was Lefty. What's so interesting about Lefty, is that on the outside it looked like he was living the good life. He ran the Stardust (without a gaming licence, which eventually caught up to him), he had a beautiful wife, kids, and all the money a man could want. That's what people saw. On the inside, he had a best friend that was sleeping with his drug addicted wife, he had people (hired by his best friend) waiting to pop him, and all the money in the world wouldn't take away the pain he had. Here's a picture of Left'y car after the explosion that HE WALKED AWAY from. Life in Vegas in that time period was not what it is now.

One of my favorite things about the movie, besides the music, is watching Lefty's fashion change. In one part of the movie he is drinking from a bottle of some kind of antacid, and his suit literally matches the color of the bottle of his medicine. It's one of the clearest memories I have from the first time I saw that movie. He lived on that stuff. I suppose I would too with the life that he had. You watch as he gets older, his glasses get thicker, but it's still Lefty. I can see how so many people were attracted to him, not necessarily in a romantic way, but he just had that "it" factor. Of course, I am swayed by Robert DiNiro. I would so hang out with him. And maybe he could invite Pesci too, but that might be scary.

Dion and I went to Vegas for our honeymoon. It was his parents gift for us. We stayed in a suite at Treasure Island and now, ironically we live in a town that has a casino named Treasure Island. We spent so much time walking around the city and going to shows. We were a mere 23 years old. So young to wander around that crazy town. Of course, back then we didn't feel so young, but now, that seems like little toddlers. I would love to go back there some day, a little older and wiser (ha...wiser) just to walk around with different eyes than the 23 year old I was. And with my camera. Oh to have my camera in Vegas...can you imagine the shots I would be able to take? Be still my beating heart.

Casino still ranks as one of my favorite movies. It is so messed up, but Lefty was a smart man. And powerful. Or was he? I guess there would be different opinions about that. I only wish that I could go to the Stardust where all of this took place. If you like being able to experience a casino vegas style through the Internet, you can. But if you do that, you have to make sure that it is authentic. You will have to use all the good luck superstitions that exist. Let's see, that would include, tapping the monitor of your computer, maybe rubbing your fingers across the screen, but I wouldn't slap you computer like some people slap their machines. I don't want to be responsible for computers breaking.

Homework For You, If You Dare

2010-01-27T17:41:00.000-08:00

I put a post up on Facebook asking for help, and I am posting it here for those of you who follow me here.

I have a mission for you. In the past when I have gone to my breast cancer check ups, I have sported a cleaver, yet entertaining shirt for my oncologist. Some examples are:

My oncologist is my homeboy

Lost my boobs, not my sense of humor

No they're not real. The real ones tried to kill me

Nice try cancer, but I'm still here

And I did the priceless campaign with my oncologist as the priceless factor. Now I am on a search for a witty shirt to have made for my 6 month check next month. Tap into your creative juices and tell me your most original, funny, cleaver thoughts to be made into a shirt. I need your help here. Nothing inappropriate though as I have to wear it in public. Let's hear it...give me all you've got!

Invasion of Little Girls

2010-01-24T13:41:00.001-08:00

Now, if goes without saying that I truly love my husband. He makes me laugh, he makes me grind my teeth, and he is super duper at making me shake my head. Which was evident this past week when he said,

"Hey, let's have the girls each invite a friend over to spend the night!"

Of course, than one has to wonder about me, since I said, "Yeah, that would be fun!"

For a moment I was taken back to the days of my own sleepovers at friends houses, or when they would sleep over at my house. They were so much fun! We would stay up late and laugh about dumb things, eating junk food all night, relishing in the thought of our faux freedom. We could stay up late. We could watch movies. We could TP the neighbors house. Wait. Never mind. We never ever TP'd the neighbors house. Or the house a few blocks away. Nope. Never.

So yeah, I was in agreement that the girls would have fun, not thinking about when I had sleepovers, I was a wee bit older than the girls are now. That fact seemed to have escaped my mind. But, the invites were out, there was no going back now.

And then we had 2 five year olds and 2 seven year olds jumping around the living room singing along to Alvin and the Chipmunks, and of course the Chipettes. And by jumping around, I mean they have better dance moves than I could ever dream of. I saw hair being twirled around, I saw gyrations, I saw cartwheel attempts, but most of all, I heard singing. And more singing.

There was also watching of The Wizard of Oz with popcorn and juice boxes. We were assured by Nadia that the whole movie was not in black and white, but became more fun when the door of the house was opened in the land of Oz.

There was coloring with markers and crayons, and for some reason the theme of the art work was "The World" which they all drew with lots of concentration.

Then when we tried to get them to all go to bed, it was like playing Whack a Mole. One kid would sit up (they all slept on the pull out couch in the living room), ask for something, we would oblige, they would lay down in time for the next one to pop their head up and ask for something. This went on for about 20 minutes until finally, after 11PM, there was silence from the living room. They all had finally gone to sleep. I proceeded to stay up until after 2:30AM for some reason, and paid the price the next day. Not only did I have to deal with crabby tired children, but they had to deal with a crabby tired mom. It all comes out in the wash.

It Took a While, But....

2010-01-16T15:57:00.001-08:00

If you are interested in seeing some Idol pictures from the concert last summer, go to my flickr page:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/22248031@N06/

and you will see some of the better ones. Keep in mind that I used a point and shoot, and dang, some of them turned out really clear! Enjoy!

Kids......Sheesh

2010-01-10T09:38:00.000-08:00

As I start this blog entry, the Touch and Brush ad is on TV. The girls are dying to get one. Very odd. Why would a kid want a toothpaste dispenser? Nadia just told me that we need to order it today. Strange. Anyway, there is much excitement in the whole world of McDonald's because they have Alvin and the Chipmunk figures. So one day this week we had to go to the store after school and the girls were very patient, yadda yadda yadda, so I said I would take them to McD's for dinner. Now, at the store, the girls spent some of their own money on a bubble gum machine. In the car, Claire said she wanted to be done with her gum. I told her to wait until we got to McD's and she could throw it away there. We pull up, and get out of the car, and I watch as Nadia spits her gum into the garbage and walks through the first set of doors and waits for Claire and I. Now Claire just goes through the door, no gum spitting. Huh. Interesting. I asked her where her gum was and she tells me that it had accidentally fallen out of her mouth onto the floor of the car. I told her to walk back to the car and get the gum (for the record, we were in the first row and I could see her at all times). She came back and put the gum in the garbage. At this point, I pointed my finger in her little face and said, "And if you think for one minute that I believe that the gum accidentally fell, you have got another thing coming." Tears welled up, and she said that she dropped it on purpose. My response?
"Back to the car. We are going home."

Insert mass crying here. We were In. The. Doorway of McDonald's and mean me made them go home. With no McDonald's. I explained to Claire in between her and Nadia's crying, that I will not have a child that lies to me. And yes, this isn't a big lie, but she has been pulling these little lies for a little while, and it needs to stop before it gets to be big huge lies. I told them they would have to earn back going to McD's, and they did another day. Now, I understand that Nadia didn't do anything wrong, but this was a good lesson for her as well. Don't mess with Mommy.

These Hours

2009-12-20T21:45:00.001-08:00

I don't know why I chose these hours at night to start a thought process. Maybe it's the fact that the kids are asleep, Dion is asleep, and all I hear are the sounds of my fingers hitting the keyboard and an occasional animal licking themselves.

Anyway, I am still suffering a little after effects from my test on Friday. I am hoping they pass by tomorrow as I have a lot I need to get done for the holiday. As a side note, I did tell my doctor during the procedure that she was killing me. She wasn't, it just that I'm such a wuss.

Ok, onto a topic that has been keeping me up at night, thinking, wondering, praying. There is a high probability that my father in law has prostate cancer. He has not had a biopsy done, this is just from blood work he had done. I don't think he is going to have a biopsy done. I don't think he is going to do anything about this issue that has come up. What I do know is that we, his family, are having a hard time with this whole situation. As a cancer club member, I am at a loss for words. I cannot wrap my brain around the idea that someone might have cancer, and that they are refusing to do anything (ANYTHING) about it. You know, if he had the biopsy done and decided he didn't want treatment then there's not much we can do about that. But the fact that he is contemplating not even getting a biopsy just blows me out of the water. This is important information for his kids to have. For my husband to have. He has given the excuse that it's a ploy for the doctors to get money out of him, and that he could get an infection from having a biopsy, but Oh. My. God.

What he doesn't seem to understand, dare I say care, about is what this is doing to his family. He said he is going to drink some type of special tea. Tea. And that is going to take care of everything. I look back 5 years ago when my club membership started, and I cannot fathom NOT doing whatever I had to do to live through it. I had kids, a husband, family, that I owed at least trying to make it out alive for. And I did do everything, but one thing that even my oncologist did not recommend.

Every once in a while my girls will sit holding their picture of my dad, crying, telling me how much they miss him. To lose another Grandpa, so soon, would be.....sigh.

Again, this is his right, but that doesn't make it right. It makes it unfair to the rest of us. Maybe we are the ones being selfish, but I don't think so. I think a lot about my dad and the days leading up to his death. Wiping the blood from his mouth from the sores, laying next to him, crying together, picking him up to transfer him to a hospital bed. I see his abdomen bloating from the cancer, I see his eyes sinking deeper into his head, I see him losing the ability to communicate, to go to the bathroom, to show us the sparkle in his blue eyes. So yes, maybe I am being selfish as to not wanting to have to go through cancer taking away another person. And maybe I shouldn't even be writing about this since everything is so hush hush in that family. And maybe, hopefully soon, I will stop being pissed at what he is doing, or not doing, and just accept it for what it is.

But I just don't get it. I guess time will tell as to what is going to happen.

Ugh

2009-12-18T20:10:00.000-08:00

Well I made it through the colonoscopy with normal results, which is good, but it will be a test that I remember for a while. IT HURT! I remember being in pain, and I remember doing some sort of embarrassing whimpering thing. Ugh. Not good. Then to top it off I had a reaction to the so called pain meds they gave me and got a shot of Bennedryl in my IV which knocked me out. I managed to get up and out the door and out to eat, but when I got to my mom's I slept, and slept, and slept until a little after 6pm.

But, I no longer have to do a 5 year countdown. I am free for 10 years!! Whoop whoop! That was good news to me. And so the 10 year countdown begins.....

Prep: The Second Day

2009-12-18T05:11:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh...what better way to start a day at 6am then to be sipping on a nice cold beverage chalk full of a substance that makes you go go go? I can't think of anything else I would rather be doing right now. Oh wait. Yes, yes I can. I will make you a list.

1. Sleeping
2. Eating some of the delicious smelling meat that Dion had for dinner last night
3. Roller skating
4. Sleeping...oh wait, I already said that
5. Sitting in a hot tub
6. Having a beer...I don't care that it's early in the morning. It's something I would rather be doing!
7. Origami. And I am horrible at origami
8. Snuggling with my kids

And that is as far as I can get right now based on the sound my intestines are making. It is a sure sign that things are going to come soon, and we all know what that means.

So I will post later about the end result of my colonoscopy (end result! I made a little funny there and didn't even plan it). Until then, I will be hitting the head.

It's Prep Day Baby

2009-12-17T18:05:00.000-08:00

And if you can't believe that the 5 years has passed since my colonoscopy, just ask my toilet. It will not lie to you that I have been a frequent visitor. So tonight I thought we would walk down the road of "A Day in the Life of Prep". Or should I say, run down the road, because once the prep kicks in, you better be able to move fast.

It all starts with an innocent enough looking bottle of white powder and a prescription bottle containing 4 tiny pills. But since I have done this before, I know better. I know the evil contained in those bottles. I have been dreading this day (and the next) for about 4 years. So if you have never had one of these tests, let me tell you about it.

It started with me mixing the evil into an orange flavored drink whose name has something to do with gators. You can't have red or grape (the best flavors of course) so that left lime (vomit) or orange. I have heard there is a clear watermelon kind, but I didn't find that at a store who name has something to do with what you aim at. Orange it is. I mixed the 64 ounces, and put half in the fridge to sip on tomorrow. That's right, I have a later appointment tomorrow so I get to drink this junk two days in a row.

The rules state that you are to drink 8 oz every 15 minutes until the 32 oz are gone. Doesn't seem too hard I know, but by the end I feared that it was going to come back up, defeating the whole purpose. But it stayed. I even had my lunch of chicken water, and that stayed in me too. After drinking the pure evil, I had to take the four little tiny pills. Looking at them, they don't seem dangerous. They. Don't. Seem. Everything was going well, I felt ok, and then it started. Gurgle. Gurgle. Hmmm. It would appear that my stomach is not happy with the contents. Correction. My stomach was ok, I think it had something to do with my intestines not being happy. Gurgle. Oh oh. Time to make a run for the border. Run! Run damn it! Now if I were a rocket, I would be in space right now. The sheer force of the expelled liquid seriously could launch a person. And just when you think you can't possibly have any more liquid you in, you go again. So that was the first of many times running for the pot. I am very glad that I purchased the flushable wipes. If you remember anything about this, remember that. Do not forget the wipes! You will thank me for it. I promise. Anyway, I am doing ok right now, although I will have to run soon. I am dreading starting this again tomorrow at 6am. That just doesn't seem right.

I am torn at what is worse, doing it all in one day where the launching experience is way more propelling, or splitting it so you have smaller launches for 2 days. I really don't know. I am not looking forward to the IV tomorrow, with all of mt scar tissue in my hand, but I am all for the twilight drugs they give you so as not to remember the whole experience. So here's to a clean colonoscopy, in more ways than one.

And There's the Second One

2009-12-13T07:46:00.000-08:00

Well, actually, the second child made her stomach flu known at 4:30am. I was sleeping with Claire upstairs, Dion was downstairs with Nadia. He heard her crying in the other room, got up and ran into the room, stepping in said stomach flu contents on the floor. Gross. Too bad for him...not a good way to enter a room if you ask me. But on the positive side, she has yet to throw up again (yet.), and seems a little more peppy than Claire was. But that has always been the case with her. Either she would avoid the illness or get a more mild version of it. Let's hope that's the case for this one too. And also let's hope that she is ok by tomorrow so she doesn't have to miss any school. She (and Claire) has already missed 7 days from the whole H1N1 showdown between the family and the virus.

So as I begin this week, which involves a colonoscopy, lets hope that all is well in the Flaska Household.

Go Away Stomach Flu

2009-12-12T20:18:00.000-08:00

It all started like any other normal Friday night. We weren't doing anything (sad, I know). Out of no where, both girls complain about having stomach aches. Hmmm....interesting that BOTH girls are complaining. I sensed anarchy because of not wanting dinner, but only wanting snacks. But we moved on, both girls ate dinner. Both started complaining again. Hmm...even more interesting. Dion takes Claire upstairs to try the potty, Nadia goes to the main floor. I am on the phone with my mom and Dion comes down carrying a bucket of puke. Claire is sick. And sick. And sick. From about 6:30pm to 4:30am she is throwing up every 45 minutes or so. I would give her a teaspoon of water and she would throw it up within the 45 minutes. Ugh. I felt so bad for her. She hasn't thrown up since that last one in the wee hours of the morning, but it was a long night for both of us. Today we have pushed fluids so she doesn't get dehydrated, but she is still feeling punky. She woke up from a nap and really didn't know that she wasn't sleeping anymore. She made no sense and babbled about never leaving our town, and at one point got into the main floor shower and sat down saying she didn't want to leave. Odd.

Now the thing tonight was that she was feeling dizzy and had a headache and she said that Dion and I were talking too fast. It made her cry. We ended up calling the clinic and they thought that maybe she had a migraine, which thinking about it, that made sense as to how she was feeling. We got medicine down her gullet, and now her head is feeling better, but she said that she is feeling funny. Now I think the issue is that she really hasn't eaten much today. So down with applesauce, and now she said she is feeling better.

Really people, is there any better way to spend a weekend? Doubt it.

Time to Catch Up. Again.

2009-12-06T13:38:00.000-08:00

Well, let me think....

I suppose I should start with my mom. We went to Mayo this past Friday to see the new plastic surgeon. I am very happy to report that he is wonderful. I am also happy to report that if we would have stayed with the first surgeon, my mom would probably be in trouble right now. The new surgeon said there was no way he would do a skin graft right now as there is no good skin for them to attach the graft on to. May I remind you that the first surgeon would have already done the graft, and that would have opened up a whole new can of worms for my mom. Anyway, now they gave her a vinegar solution to put on the wounds in hopes of drying them out and letting new skin form. Interesting enough, it already looks better after 2 days. They are hoping that the wounds will close by the end of the month when I take her back. It may work, but with everything that has happened, I am not putting all of my eggs in one basket. So, while she is in a lot of pain, the hope is that this will improve quickly. Fingers crossed. So as of right now, no surgery. The hope is that she will heal completely on her own. If it can't heal completely, they can do a skin graft on a much smaller level. If she does not heal they will get her to a dermatologist to see if she has something wrong with her skin preventing it from healing. So, once again, everything is on hold. I will take her back on the 29th.

I got a voicemail message on my phone from our local clinic. Odd. I didn't recognize the name so I thought I should return the call. I was put on hold and the department was something about wellness blah blah blah. Now I am really interested in what all of this is about. Hold. Hold. Hold. Yes, I know you will be right with me, you have told me for the past 3 minutes you would. Hold. Hold. Then Kim's voice. I gave her my name and she said, "Oh yes, let me find my notes". Interesting. Until she said the following....."Ah, ok, well it says you are past due for your colonoscopy." Shock. Total shock. They hunted me down and did it in a sneaky way. If she would have left that one the message, guess who wouldn't have called back. I know that I am overdue. I have known that since August when I was supposed to have gone for my 5 year. I can't believe 5 years have passed since my last one. It seems like yesterday when I was saying, "Awesome! I still have 3 more years until I have to have that test again!" And now, here we are. Poop.

I feel like there is more, but it must be swimming around in my head somewhere. Maybe it will make an appearance later. Or not. Who knows. .

A Slight Distraction

2009-11-29T13:23:00.000-08:00

Wahhh...and Thanksgiving weekend is almost over. That is rather sad since it went incredibly fast. Almost as fast as a normal weekend. But we were productive, and that's a lot to say.

We got into a little cleaning craze this weekend that included putting up the Christmas tree. That is a story in itself, but I'll go there. I'm not afraid. Last year my thrifty husband decided to purchase a pre-lit tree after the holidays in an effort to save money. Which he did at a whopping $6 for the tree. What we didn't do was take it out of the box before this weekend. We now have a Charlie Brown Christmas tree in our living room. Dion wisely stated, "I guess you get what you pay for". Wise wise man. At night it is rather pretty, with all it's pre-strung lights, and the extra color lights we put on. And the carefully (or randomly) placed ornaments by Claire and Nadia. But once it is daylight, the tree takes on another personality of, well, see through. It let's us observe the pretty wall behind it, which is fantastic. So, if you want to see a pretty tree at our house, you are not allowed to come over until it is dark and the tree in all it's bright glory will dazzle you.

Anyway, I decided to try and purge the living are of most of the toys that mysteriously make their way up from the toy ridden basement. I have the whole downstairs family room set up as a play land for the girls with storage bins etc to hold of the toys. It took me hours to do that months ago, and in a single day they managed to relieve the bins of the bothersome toys and sprawl them out on the floor, which is where most of them have remained since that day. The toys that managed to ease their way upstairs needed to ease their way back down. That was my goal yesterday. Thankfully my neighbors had the kids yesterday while I attempted to gain control of our living room and family room again. I loaded toys up in Rubbermaid's and make umpteen trips up and down the steps. I moved furniture around to dig out numerous Barbie shoes and brushes, some Polly Pockets and their rubbery pants and tiny tiny shoes, various tiny stuffed animals that the girls "had to have" and probably had not seen for 6 months or so. In moving furniture around, I decided to rearrange the furniture. Talk about Pandora's box! Long story short, the living room and the family room have changed, and I like it. Poor Dion. He hates moving furniture around, and more than that, he hates change. He did really well and actually helped me with some of the process. I think he is ok with the change. At least he said he was. The funny part is that the girls haven't even noticed that their toys are not up here anymore. How awesome is that?!?

If there is anyone who can help us with this dog issue, give me a shout. Sammie is 12 years old. She certainly can't hear anymore, as I can come into the house and she does not wake up in the least bit. She is not able to last nearly as long for going outside and I have had to clean up some accidents. And the final thing happened this weekend. I was sitting in my chair and saw her pick something up off of the couch and try to eat it. She spit it back out and I jumped up in case it was something not so dog friendly. Are you ready for this? IT WAS ONE OF HER TEETH!! Ew! Ew! Ewwww!!! And not a shiny white one, if I may add that detail. Ugh. So gross. Claire saw it and grabbed her forehead and turned an odd shade of white. Turns out she is not good with some bodily things. Blood? She comes close to puking. And apparently gross dog teeth join the list of no no's for Claire. Although I can't say I blame her. It was bad. So I brought up to Dion that it may be time for Sammie to go to the pearly gates with unlimited doggie treats. We never did finish that conversation. Dion gave me Sammie as a birthday present when we were dating. She has been with us a long time, but seriously, teeth are falling out and her breath is so bad she can clear a room. I don't know.....any suggestions?

I guess that's all for now. I am typing and watching the Vikings/Bears game....my sweet sweet Favre! He is rocking the Vikings this year (minus that tackle that just knocked him on his butt) so I must go watch.

What I am Hoping is From the Wine

2009-11-22T19:03:00.001-08:00

Ugh. I have had gut rot all day long. I am hoping it is not some sort of flu type thing, but instead from the high quantities of wine that I drank with my friend last night. Ahhh....good times!

I finally made it back to the gym on Friday. I thought I would have a little more trouble with pain etc, but it went really well and felt really good. Somehow, even with missing a month, I have lost a total of 11 pounds. Woot woot!! That was the highlight of my day! Just about 30 more pounds to go before February. Possible? Hell yeah.

I got a phone call from one of my dearest friends Friday night. Her dad died of the same thing my dad did about 3 years ago. Strange how those things work. We talked about a lot of things. Religion, medications, current situations, and it was absolutely wonderful. I finally felt like I was able to talk about some things knowing that she would totally and completely understand where I was coming from. After hanging up the phone, I felt like a lot was taken off of my shoulders. I felt like my thoughts and feelings were confirmed, and I felt like it was the start of a new beginning. Friends are wonderful.

I talked to my mom yesterday and she said she had to tell me before my sister told on her that she fell in the Perkins parking lot. It took my sister and another woman (thank you to whoever that was) to get her up. I asked why she fell. Are you ready for this one? Really...you might want to sit down. She fell over trying to pick up a damn penny. A PENNY! Did you hear that?!? My sister told her she is not to do that anymore and that she will pick up pennies for my mom from now on. I thought that was a little funny though, Cathy offering to pick up pennies. So today, as you can imagine, she was rather sore and was loaded up on pain pills. Dion, the girls, and I took over the makings for dinner and I cooked up the now famous pork tenderloin. It was delicious again, even if I forgot that I needed garlic cloves (WAHHH!!!) and had to cook it with just garlic salt. Could be worse, I suppose. Anyway, we had a great visit, well, Cathy got mad about something, but that's pretty normal anyway.

Now Dion and I are going to catch up on some DVR'd shows, and here's to hoping the gut rot goes away.

Up-ditty Update

2009-11-18T13:46:00.000-08:00

Greetings on this fine fall day. I thought I should give some updates with my mom since I have some new information finally.

I am taking her back to Mayo on Dec 4th to see the new plastic surgeon. They have told my mom that her skin graft surgery will be the following week. As far as how long she will be in the hospital, it really depends on how she is doing. I believe she has to be self-sufficient to go home. So all of that is up in the air, really. I am 98% sure that her wounds are getting bigger, so for this surgery to finally happen is pretty big.

It was a day of non happiness in this house this morning. I thought the girls FPE (remember? Former Place of Employment) fix would get us through a while, but alas, I was wrong. Of course, I have been wrong about a lot of things lately so I guess that is not a surprise. Today Claire turned on the waterworks when faced with the knowledge that she could not go to my FPE. That was fun. If anyone can tell me how to explain to a 7 year old why she can't be with her friends anymore, let me know because I am having a hard time getting her to understand it. She offered some suggestions on how it would be possible, which was kind of cute, but sad at the same time. Ugh. There's not a worse feeling of leaving your kid for school with tears going down her face. It sucks. They were at their home daycare for 5 years, and I had to talk up my FPE to try and make that transition as smooth as possible. And it worked. It went well. So Claire is there for a year and now the carpet has been pulled out from under her. I suppose one can understand why this is not so easy for her.

I have my night job tonight. We are cooking with pumpkins. It should be a good class, but it's hard to go back to work after being home for a couple of hours. All I really want to do is put on some flannel pants and a sweatshirt, but, no can do. In fact, I've got an hour and a half before I have to leave again. High ho, high ho......

I Wish I Had Something to Say

2009-11-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

But I don't. Sorry.

But the Pork Tenderloin Was Good

2009-11-12T17:10:00.000-08:00

The current issue I am dealing with is as follows. Since I no longer need daycare, the girls don't go to my former place of employment (FPE). Now, on a daily basis, they ask why they can't go (ummm we can't afford it) and they get upset and sad. It says a lot for how the program was run, and how much they enjoyed it. They miss the crafts, games, and the friends that they made there, who aren't in their classes so they don't get to see now. Today was an early release day, so I was asked to help get the planned activities for the community going, which I did. But the girls had to stay at my FPE until I did everything that I needed to do, which didn't take too long. The girls were having a blast, and didn't want to leave. They wanted to go play outside, they wanted to go to the gym to play a game, and to be honest, so did I. I miss the kids at my FPE, and I miss the games and the conversations. I love the fact that when I see some of the kids they run up to me and give me a hug. I worked pretty dang hard to build those, and other, relationships, and it has been hard to not be there. But hopefully they got a fix and that will last a little while. Me? I will never get a fix that lasts awhile. If you know me, you know how much I love being with kids, and that will never go away.

So after we got home I started dinner. Yes, the pork tenderloin. I tried a recipe off of the internet and was a little worried how it would turn out as applesauce and soy sauce were in the ingredients. But, I pushed on, sauteing onions and garlic, adding the applesauce etc mixture and cooked it. DANG! It was good! I hope I can find that recipe again. It was mighty fine, if I do say so myself.

I am trying to figure out what I am going to do for the girls holiday pictures this year. I want to get a little more creative, and I have started to plant the seed for the girls on they type of picture I want to try and take. We'll see though. One never knows....

I am taking my mom to Mayo on December 4th to see the new plastic surgeon. There is a slight chance that she could have the surgery in December, but it always seems to change. I went to her house to change her dressing for her this week, and the wounds are getting bigger. Again she bled through the dressings and her binder. I am looking forward to this being done for her sake. What it seems like now is that they are just going to do skin grafts to try and close up the wounds. I still don't understand how the grafts will hold with the hernia she has, but I guess that will be a question for the doctor.

The week that Claire was sick, she informed me that she knew a bad word. I asked her what it was, expecting her to say fart or something like that. Instead, without batting an eyelash, she said, "bitch". I about fell off of my chair. I asked her where she had heard that and she told me that two boys in her class told her that it rhymed with one of their names, which it does. I just didn't expect that at all. As soon as she said the word, I felt like my little girl had lost a bit of her innocence. It was sad, and wrong. Sigh.......

A Sad Day

2009-11-10T07:52:00.000-08:00

Today I volunteer in the girls classrooms. I actually have to go soon to get to Claire's on time, but since I have like an hour to kill I like to go to Blue Moon cafe to just sit and relax. I think I have talked about the atmosphere before. Anyway, I drive by and.....CLOSED. Not just until they open in the morning, but for good.

Like I said, a sad day.

Would I Have Changed How I Did Things?

2009-11-08T12:56:00.000-08:00

I don't know. I'm not really sure if I would or not. Sometimes I think "If only I would have...." and then I stop. ***you should know at this point my thoughts have gone in so many directions. I have typed and deleted many things***

But if I hadn't followed the path that I am on, I wouldn't have what I have. Dion, my girls, my friends. And I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate what I have. I do. But is there more? Would there have been more? I don't know. How could I?

What I do know is that I am not satisfied with what I have. The option of having more kids ripped away from me always plays on my brain, poking at it, laughing at it, making it sad. It's not fair. Now, again, I reiterate, I am very happy with the kids that we have. That is not the point. The point is now it is no longer an option for me. Not by my choice. Maybe if I had made the choice and not cancer, I would feel different. No, I KNOW I would feel different. Ugh.

But, I have talked about the whole baby stealing thing before, and it hasn't changed and never will. So why do I bother? Maybe so I can stop buying pets to fulfill that void. That would be a good thing I think. But really, I don't know why I just cant accept this fact and move on. I am worried that in 15 years, I am still going to be blogging about this topic. In the words of someone I know, why can't I just get over this? I don't know. Otherwise I would be.

Wouldn't it be nice to be one of those people who get paid to do something they love? I need that. I want that. Of course I want to win the lottery and retire, but we all know the odds of that happening. There are so many things I want to do, that never crossed my mind as a college student. I think I went into college with the thought that I just needed to graduate. That was my goal since no one else in my family did. Now, of course, I look back and think, man I was stupid. I should have thought things out more. But I didn't and now here I am. You can bet that I am going to suggest my kids think it through a little more than I did. Already I ask them what they want to be when they grow up. Quite often in fact. Of course, Claire's response is the same every time. A cheerleader. Yikes. :) Not that there's anything wrong with that....

Now you may ask why I don't just go back to school. And I really wouldn't mind doing that, but after getting my first paycheck in my new position....well, yeah, that's not an option. Talk about money shock. Or lack thereof. Oh boy.

Anyway, we spent the day outside today, cleaning out branches and burning them. I smell like campfire. Mmmmmm....of course that takes me back to camp days. And back to camp friends. And camp memories. Those were my golden years. Memories of hanging out by a campfire with 10 middle school girls, and loving it. Memories of hiking in the woods and the back 40. The nature, the laughs, the games, the songs, the kids, the friends. All but just a memory now. As an adult, those things are gone. And that is sad.

So where do I go from here? I'm not sure. I feel kind of stuck. Dare I say trapped? That seems like kind of a harsh word, but sometimes that's how I feel. Like there is so much more I want to do, but can't. Does one just settle with what they have? I really don't know. And at what point is good enough good enough? Maybe at the point I am at.....

A Note to the Virus Who WAS in Our House

2009-11-08T08:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Virus,

Thank you for finally leaving our house. And while you never did settle down with me (I won't take it personally), I am ok with the fact that you have returned to where ever you came from. You have left a little bit of a reminder with us of your long uninvited visit through a cough the both girls have, but that's ok. We can deal with that.

Anyway, I am looking forward to getting back to our normal family routine. Well, if you can call our routine normal.

With Regards,

Sue Flaska

A Note to the Virus in Our House

2009-11-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Dirty Virus,

You have been an uninvited visitor in our house since October 17th. You hung around Dion like you were pals from long ago. You made him hang out with you and miss work, and really provided nothing to the relationship. So you left for a bit. For some reason you came back on October 29th, once again uninvited. This time you thought you would spend some quality time with Nadia, and two days later thought you better hang out with Claire too, so as not to make her jealous. That was very considerate of you, not playing favorites and all.

It was nice of you to spend Halloween with us. We really were hoping you would stay around so we couldn't go trick or treating, so thanks for that. And while we thought that it was about time for you make your exit as you had totally over-stayed your welcome, you just weren't quite ready to leave. You hadn't yet made Claire's temp get close to 105 and while that was a hefty goal, you succeeded. Way to go.

I know Nadia can be rather active so I totally understand why you switched your focus to Claire. She tends to sleep a bit more than Nadia when you visit. I can understand that you needed a break, you know, just a little time to relax and hang out. Claire certainly fit the bill for that. Just when I thought you were getting ready to pack your bags and leave today, you hung around enough to give Claire a headache and a temp of 101.1. Just enough to allow her to hang out with you tomorrow instead of going to school. You must have needed just one more day of quality Claire time.

But now we have got a problem that we need to discuss. I can understand wanting to hang out with my kids. They can be funny and rather dramatic, the offer interesting insight into things. But the buck stops there. I think I can feel you hanging out in my muscles. I am having to use a blanket and put my hood up to keep some of the chills away. I think you are familiar with the chills. I believe they are friends of yours.

So I hate to be rude and all, but Virus, you need to get the hell out. You are not welcome in our house any longer, I don't want to be your host (ess). So please move on and leave us alone. The Flaska's have had their fill of you.

Sincerely,
Sue

Pete and Repeat Were in a Boat....Pete Fell Out, Who was Left?

2009-11-05T13:37:00.000-08:00

Today Nadia had the all clear with a perfect 98.6 temp. Claire was at 100 and then later went up to 101. So everyone knows what that means, right? No free Friday for me as Claire will have to stay home again tomorrow. We were so close!

Nadia handled her first day back well. I thought she may have some issues re-adjusting, but she didn't. She and Claire giggles the whole way home from school. They missed each other, and even can admit that they did. But the separation is good for them (and me).

I have been dragging all day today. Even sometimes having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Isn't that strange? It's not like I am doing a lot at home. In fact, I haven't been doing much of anything. I think I really need to get back to the gym. I think that is why my activity levels have plummeted. Well, that and basically the split shifts I am doing, and the sinus infection. Oh and sick kids, and the stress, oh what the hell. Who am I kidding? I could go on and on I suppose but it wouldn't change any of this.

So today Claire was very intrigued by the Smurfs. Are they making a comeback? I do have to say that some of the content is a little iffy. But they are the Smurfs. I found myself watching them, wishing that I could have their life, where everything is Smurfy and the biggest challenge is keeping away from a creepy dress wearing man and his orange cat with a bite missing from his ear. I could do that. Easily. Although I don't know how keen I would be to living in a one room mushroom. I would definitely have to add on a shroom or two. And screw the white dress. No way. No how. That would have to change. And the shoes. They just look painful.

Anyway, I believe a cat just puked so now I must go clean that up. Oh what a wonderful life.

This is Getting So Old!

2009-11-02T19:45:00.000-08:00

Both girls were home again today and will have to stay home tomorrow too. I thought Nadia was on the upswing, but she spiked again to 102. Poor Claire woke up this morning at 104.8. It has been a long rough day for the Flaska family, and tomorrow doesn't seem like its going to get much better. I just want all of this crap to be over! It's not looking too good right now though. Tomorrow will be a call to the doctor since Nadia has been out for almost a week straight. I keep worrying about dehydration ever since it happened to Nadia last year and she had to be in the hospital. That was horrible!

On the bright side, I got a little bit caught up on laundry today. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to put it all away. Sounds like good times, eh? My goal is that come Friday, my day off, both kids will be back in school and I won't have any other obligations and can enjoy my day off. It seems like the last few weeks that hasn't been possible. Mostly it seems like that because it hasn't been possible.

I am horribly addicted to Facebook and all the evils that go with it. Cafe World? Play it, love it. Farkle? Play it, get mad at it. Chats? Yep, you can find me there. What an evil empire FB has become! But in the way like when you have a bug bite and it hurts to scratch it, but at the same time feels so good. That is Facebook. I would be in Cafe World right now but I know my next dish has to cook for another 5 hours, so I'm good.

We are planning our second annual trip to the dells, but upping the amount of people that go. It will be the four of us, our neighbors family of four, my college room mates family of 3 and Kelsey and possibly her beau. 13 of us! It is going to be awesome! We are getting a 3 bedroom deluxe lodge with a full kitchen. The girls ask every other day how many more days until we go to the dells. Might be a long few months!

I miss the gym. Ok. There. I said it. I miss the gym! I miss the rush it gives me when I am done, I miss the sweat, I miss the ultra clean smell of the towels, I miss my music, I miss my alone time. Another reason that I hope all of this illness stuff goes away soon. I am sure that I have gained everything I lost last month right back. Drats! How frustrating.

Nothing yet from the doctor for my mom. Oh, the city has approved the addition (minus a set of steps from the deck to the ground, but that can be changed) for our house for my mom. It looks like, right now, we will be starting in the spring. Hopefully she will be done with her surgeries (at least one of them) by then. That would be nice.The blueprints are pretty cool. I hope it all works out.

Ok, have to run. That's all for now.....

Laptops. Are. Awesome.

2009-11-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

For quite a few reasons, but look at how many times I have blogged in the past few days. All because of easy access and the fact that I cab get on the Internet rather fast as opposed to our desk top computer which does not work very well. I tried to tell Dion that he should ask for a netbook for Christmas, but he ignored me. I am not sure what that means.

So here we are. Nadia's temp is 99 degrees, down from 103. Claire on the other hand, has gone from 100 to 102. It seems like her body is having a harder time fighting off whatever this is than Nadia's body did. We have the sleeper sofa pulled out and they are resting on that whilst watching Spongebob. I have a feeling that Claire will miss school tomorrow. I have no clue about Nadia as of right now. She has been out since last Wednesday, so it would be nice to get her back into the grove of things.

Anyway, here are some sites for you to check out. One is flickr . If you are interested in looking at some of my pictures, look under flaskafive. I haven't posted anything on my other blog as it takes so much time to upload the pictures, and since I have other locations where I post photos, I have kind of ignored A Different POV. Anyway, here is another site for you....

here. It is the photo club that I am involved in. You can look for me there as Sue F. But also take a chance to look around at the site. It is pretty awesome and has a lot of talented work on it. Way better than my stuff.

I am hoping when things slow down a little that I can get back into taking pictures on a more regular basis. I have missed it. Man! It seems like I have my hands in so many different things that it is hard to keep track of all of it. Pictures, blogging, writing, the gym, and then of course the two jobs, two kids, and a husband. Then we can go even further with my mom, my sister, all of our pets, laundry, cleaning, Facebook (come on! FB takes a lot of time!)....yikes. If only there were a few extra hours in the day and one extra day on the weekend. How great would that be? I would call the day Octoday. And that day would be devoted to only doing my hobby type stuff. Children would have to entertain themselves and for once get all of their own stuff and maybe not even whine. For. The. Whole.Day. Ahhhhh....bliss........

SNAP! Back to reality.

Halloween

2009-10-31T20:09:00.000-07:00

Well, this is one for the books. Both girls had fevers and could not go trick or treating. How much does that suck as a kid? As an adult, not so much minus the fact that the girls got stir crazy and Claire cried for 45 minutes. Other than all of that, it was not too bad.

I always think of my dad for the holidays and how much he loved to decorate for them. Halloween was a big one for him. It's so odd. Growing up I don't remember him being all that in to holidays. He really didn't have a lot of time for them. He sure did make up for it though as his got more and more grand kids. It was like the more grand kids he got, the more decorations he bought and proudly displayed. Sometimes to my moms dismay.

So now here we sit with unused costumes that most likely won't fit next year. Although we did take the girls to the store during trick or treating time to pick out their own candy and find a movie and a toy. That seemed to be a fair trade in their books. Plus, the store was pretty much empty and kind of enjoyable. Kind of.

My stomach is so full. Too full. Dion made a spicy beef and vegetable soup from scratch and it was oh so good...even if it had a little kick to it. I had to drink a bit of milk to counter act the spice. I can still feel it on my tongue.

Ok, I guess that's it for this holiday. It's pretty much over, but I wouldn't mind watching some scary movies. But we'll see. Things tend to not pan out in the night for me. But I am listening to the scanner as I write since I am pretty sure it will be a busy night for the police. It has been so far.

I'm Tired of Sinus Cavities

2009-10-30T18:00:00.001-07:00

I just can't seem to shake this sinus stuff. It's gross, and making me feel like crap, and I just don't like it. But....so goes life.

I took my mom to Mayo again today. Two times this week...I could do the drive in my sleep...but I won't. Anyway, they did some blood work and checked her heart even though she is pretty much cleared for surgery already. Now we are waiting for her general surgeon to find her a non-ass plastic surgeon. I told her to call next week and see if anything has been done about that piece of the pie. I hope for her sake that this happens soon. She is just miserable and in so much pain all of the time. This needs to be done.

Nadia has been out of school since Wednesday with a fever and a cough. Claire joined her today with a fever. The odd thing is that neither of them are acting like they are really sick. I don't get it. I almost wonder why they are home, then I remember oh yeah, fever.

This past week was so busy. I have yet to go to the gym in the past 2 weeks and I actually really miss it! Crazy, huh? Never thought there would be a day that I would say that I missed the gym...but here it is!

I got a new laptop and it is so slick for editing photos, never mind all of the other fun stuff that goes with a laptop. Like for now, for instance. I bought a router, so Dion is on the desktop computer and I am on this, and we both have access to the Internet. Awesome! I think I will be able to do more now that I have this laptop.

Another example, I am going to transfer all of my children's stories I wrote onto here and add to them. I am pretty pumped about that. I have been missing my writing, both on my blog and stories. I have an itching to work on an adult story, but keep stalling on that one. Maybe it will come to me. Until then I will settle for this. Which isn't too shabby.

Here, There, Everywhere

2009-10-25T13:03:00.000-07:00

That is how my brain feels lately. I don't feel like I have all of me in my family, work, home responsibilities, basically everything. I don't feel like I have or am succeeding at anything right now. There are all of these directions that I want to go in, but can't. Have you ever had one of these slumps? What did you do to get out of it?

I am taking my mom to Mayo on Tuesday. I would like to update you buy I don't really know what's going on. She did get an "apology" letter from her ass of a plastic surgeon. Why the quotes? Because he has proved himself not only an ass in person, but in the written language. I told my mom to bring the letter so we can ask if that is really what Mayo supports as an apology. In the meantime, this coming appointment is supposed to be a pre-pp so technically she should have the surgery within the month. We'll see.

There is a coffee shop in town that is for sale. I so wish we could buy it. There is also an appartment included in it. I told Dion he is welcome to visit me as long as he calls first. Hahaha! Seriously though, the atmosphere reminds me of the coffee shop in Friends. I think that's why I like it so much. Its peaceful, relaxing, and I want that. Maybe that's why I like being in there. Its so mellow, unlike every other aspect of my life. I can sit in there and read, relaxing to the soft music, reading books and magazines. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? A little slice of heaven on earth. Hopefully whoever buys it will keep that atmosphere. Damn it! I want it!

I am being summoned to pour some cereal for the kids. Coffee break is over.

Whatever.

2009-10-11T05:44:00.000-07:00

This too shall pass.
What a crock.I should never utter those words again. Things have gone from bad to worse with EVERY aspect of my life. How is that possible? The only real joys in my life right now are my kids, and what few time I have with Dion. And now that is going to get worse because my job has changed. I will be done with my current position in the near future and this is why. I was told this summer that my job was changing. That it would no longer be just what I was doing, but that it would be a combined position of about 4 different jobs in one for an extra 8 hours in the week, and 5 less in the summer as it would go back to just the one position then. That alone spells disaster. I guess it was really unknown how many extra hours I put in during the last month of the summer when all the college kids were gone and there were no extra staff. And there's 5 hours less? Yikes! But because the description had changed the job had to be posted, and I would have to apply and interview for it. Really? Or I could take another position within for 5 hours less a week and no summers. Call it ego, whatever, but besides not wanting to do 4 different jobs with a pitally 8 extra hours, I didn't want to interview for my job. So that leaves me with the other position within. It's quite a pay cut and I am not so sure how we are going to make it financially. We weren't doing so hot already. So basically what I have been trying to do is piece together all these different jobs to try and make ends meet, and really all that is doing is making me a basketcase trying to keep a handle on this schedule. And what was supposed to be a position where I could "spend more time with my kids" has turned in to anything but. Any suggestions? I will no longer have time for my hobbies, my family, or me really and the thought of that sucks. Suckity suck suck sucks!

Things with my mom have gotten worse. She can stand for maybe 5 minutes then is in so much pain that she has to sit. We went to Mayo for her back, they said no way until her wounds are fixed. We went to a surgeon, who sent us to this pompous ass doctor. "but he is one of the best!" One of the best of what? Being an ass? Yep, I agree with that. I am still not sure where we stand with all of this except that I take her back to Mayo on the 27th. So as of now they are looking at November to do a skin graft to close up the wounds. Who the hell knows from there. I am not sure if it will be the hernia or the disk that will be fixed next. I look forward to her being closer so I can help her more, but with my schedule how it is right now, I don't have a lot of time to help her. Thank god Cathy is here and can help he with things.

I hear my kids moving around upstairs. I have about an hour to get ready for doing nursery at church. Better grab my time with them while I can. Lord knows I need to.

A Potluck

2009-08-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

This will have to just be a complete potluck of sorts for a post since I really don't have just one thing to talk about in particular. So here we go.....

This past Monday was the year anniversary of my dad's death. I should have taken the day off of work since I really didn't want to be there, but I had to go on the field trip due to low staffing. In fact, I have to work every day this week....so much for Tuesdays and Fridays off. But anyway, I took the girls up to the cemetery and we hung some things on my dad's nameplate. A butterfly necklace from Claire and a prism from Nadia. When we finally decided to leave, Nadia said to wait, she had to say by to Grandpa. She went up to his nameplate and put her cheek against it, hugged, and said goodbye. Sigh.

I go for my 6 month check next Tuesday. Am I nervous? You know, I am not really sure. Strange. I really just feel kind of blah about it. It's getting old, all of this dealing with cancer crap. I am tired of having it pop up in my brain, I am tired of all the pills that I am on (although I have been quite naughty the past month or so remembering to take them), I think I am just tired in general. And possibly I am getting a summer cold, judging by my sore throat and cough. Blasted.

We are working on some floor plans to add on to our house. It will basically be another house for my my to live in, but since we are in a single residence, it will be connected to our house. We talk again with the guy who drew the plans up next week, and hopefully it will get approved by the city and so forth and so forth. I will feel better when my mom is here with us. She is going to Mayo next month about the bulging disk in her back. So that on top of the open wounds she has (going on year 3 of that mess) she is in rough shape. I took her to the ER last week to try and get her pain manageable. She is now on some heavy duty meds to get her through the days. It has been a very rough time for her, and I wish there was more that I could do to help her.

I have a boatload of pictures to go through, but I know that it would be at least 3 hours worth of work, and I just don't have the time right now to do it so it will have to wait. Which sucks, because I love the process. If only I had a few extra hours in a day, but who doesn't wish that?

I am going to see American Idol on Sept 1st! Woo hoo!! That will be a fun one, I believe. I hope.

And here is the long list of animals that now reside in our house....

1 dog
4 cats
4 mice
1 fish
1 snail
2 frogs
1 guinea pig

And a partridge in a pear tree. Welcome to the jungle (we got fun and games....oh you know you were singing the words).

Some days I don't know if I am coming or going. Actually, it's more than some days. It's pretty much every day. And I don't like it. There will be a little break in my thinking activity, which thank God for that because I would be a mess right about now (at least more than I already am). But then it's back to the grind of wondering, worrying, thinking, and some other feelings that I can't really put into words right now. That is an odd feeling, not being able to put something into words. Or maybe it's the fact that I CAN'T put the words down. Literally. Some have said that a person should do a post and not publish it, then it's off your mind, but not visible for others to read. I haven't done that yet, but maybe now is the time to do that. I have no where else to vent. I can talk to Dion over and over about a particular subject, but won't that get old for him? Unfortunately, the land of blogging is a double edge sword. While it's awesome to have a lot of readers/followers, that also means that the blogger has to be careful in what is said. Which also means that there are restrictions in what I can and cannot write, which totally defeats the purpose of having a blog. For example, I could not say that I would love to punch whomever in the face. It might get back to them and then I would actually have to do it. Or, I could not say that so and so is a big fat loser, even if I wanted to say it. Even if it were true. Ahhhh.....the joys of blogging.

Anyway, some things you cannot change. I know that, but it doesn't make me feel better having that knowledge. I guess we all have choices to make in life. No one said they would be easy, or fair, or fun. But it seems like something is missing. Some spark that I used to have. I honestly don't know who I am anymore, and how scary is that? I have found that I no longer trust people, I have been lied to too many times, I also have found that instead of finding the silver lining, I focus on the grey clouds. They are consistent, the lining is not. I would love to be in love with life again, but life is getting in the way. What the hell? What sense does that make? Not much. I am tired of being let down by humanity, maybe that is why I am so pessimistic now a days. Maybe that is why I don't trust many people any more. Maybe that is why I don't know who I am anymore. Or maybe I should just stop blaming other people and take a good look at myself and see why I am allowing myself to feel this way. Damn it all to hell. I think this is just a rough week. I am going to pull a quote out of my past, and hopefully abide by it.......

This too shall pass.

It has too, or I just may not make it out of here with all of my marbles.

Holy Crap!

2009-07-28T11:31:00.000-07:00

Yikes! It's been almost 2 months since I have said a word. This summer has been kind of crazy busy. Kind of. Ok, it has been one of the busiest summers I can remember! There's been traveling, and parties, and more traveling, and camping, and, and, and, I can't even remember all that we have done so far! What I do know is that I think we have gone out of town for the last time this summer (at least planned) last weekend, but the next few weeks are still full of fun. Next weekend is River City Days, and the weekend after that is.......The Shuffle! The annual cancer walk that I do. Between online donations and cash and checks, I am at about $450 so far. If you are interested in donating, you can go to the American Cancer Society website, find our team (Kjurstin's Krew) find me, Sue Flaska and donate. Donate donate donate! Any amount helps and is welcomed.

I have also been doing some photo shoots for photography club which have been a blast. I pretty much just post on my Flickr site (look for flaskafive) so you can pop over there and take a peek. I have quite a few pictures I need to mess around with on Photoshop, but it takes so much dang time!

Also next month is my last (I think) 6 month visit to my oncologist for a check, and then it's once a year. WOOT!! I will post again when it is closer to the date. For once in my 5 years I don't know the date my appointment is on.

Ok, lots to do.....talk soon!

Busy Bee

2009-05-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

Howdy Doody! I am hoping things might slow down soon so I can post more often. I did manage to get some new pics on my other blog, here so take a peek and enjoy.

Otherwise, in a nutshell.....

My mom was in the hospital for a few days for pneumonia. She is home, and is doing a little better but is still kind of funky. I went to the doctor and found I have uterine fibroids. Not a big deal, but will be watched. Claire is almost done with kindergarten, which blows my mind away. But what does even more than that is my baby is getting ready to start kindergarten. No clue as to where time goes.

I did a photo shoot last weekend for the holiday. I have not posted any of those pictures because they are going to be put up on a website for purchase. It is a fundraiser for our photography club, so take a look and get some if you are interested. http://www.rwphotoclub.instaproof.com/ Search under Field of Honor. They should be uoloaded in a week or so.

That's all for now. Another busy weekend is in process.

Hello Blog Land!

2009-04-30T19:15:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. It's been a while. I have been keeping busy, which is good. I seem to function better that way. But at the same time, other areas in my life (IE: my blogs) tend to have to take a backseat. So, here I am.

Dion has been sick the last few days with strep. No clue as to how he got it and the rest of us (knock on wood) haven't gotten sick. No complaints here though.

I joined the local photography club. It. Is. Awesome. I had my first meeting last week, and signed up to do a photo shoot of pregnant girls. I will post my favorites on my other blog. It was so much fun, and I learned so much just from the afternoon. I am very happy I joined the club.

On the same topic, I am addicted to photography. Totally. It has filled a void that I have had for a while, and it is just plain old beautiful. Have I mentioned that I love it?

This school year is almost over (GASP!) and I am not too sure as to where the time has gone. Can you believe Nadia will start kindergarten next fall?!? Can you believe that I will have 2 days a week all to myself next fall?!? Oh the possibilities.......

Ok, I'm off to post my pictures. Life is good, my friends. Life is good.

Our Computer

2009-04-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

From time to time our computer decides not to work. I'm not sure if sometime soon we will have to buy a new one, but we'll see. Right now it is working, which is good. You can swing over to my other blog, A Different POV to check out some pictures that I have finally been able to get on the site.

Easter is pretty low key this year. My mom went to one of my brother's homes, and we were invited by the neighbors to join them for Easter. It's always a good time when we get together.....that makes it sound like we are never together, which is not the case. We were over there most of yesterday. But the kids, nor the adults, try to kill each other even after spending hours of time together.

Anyway, I am keeping busy with both of my jobs and the kids. And for the first time I was asked to take pictures for someone. Nothing fancy, she just needed pictures with a lot of details, but I LOVED DOING IT!!! Might be something worth looking in to, but, again, it might not. Who knows where life takes us.

I sat down with the girls today to talk about the true meaning of Easter. They were enthralled. It was awesome. From time to time Nadia would like to interject some extra things that may have happened. It's kind of cute.

Ok, have to go get ready for the celebration. Hope your holiday is a wonderful time spent with friends and family.

Time Flies Like An Arrow, Fruit Flies Like a Banana

2009-03-29T17:59:00.000-07:00

That pretty much sums up how random my brain is right now. Nadia is sleeping in my arms and I am absorbing every moment of it I can. In fact, I really have to pee but I really don't want to get out of the recliner.

The thought I had today made me hurt with sorrow. Nadia is now 5. No longer a toddler and almost no longer a preschooler. My days of having those age groups are over. It made me cry to think about.

Tomorrow is my parents 52nd anniversary. Well it would have been, I suppose. I think back 2 years ago when the whole family went to the dells for their 50th. Thank God we did. That was our last family get together. My dad also would have been 73 last weekend. His nameplate has been put on his niche. We went up there on his birthday. Earlier that day I made a picnic in the driveway for the girls. Claire asked if we could have a picnic for his birthday every year.

Dions parents and sister were here this weekend. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. Everything from book clubs to nature's vagina was discussed. Don't ask. We had fun and that's what counts.

Nadia just sat up and said some random things. Just like this post.

She is still fighting a pretty bad cough. One day she will be back to normal.

Ok, my thumb is starting to get sore from the itty bitty phone buttons. We'll catch up again soon. Later!

A Week for the Books

2009-03-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

I am happy that this week is over. Done. Fin. Let's start back with Tuesday, shall we?

The whole day Nadia wasn't feeling herself. She wasn't interested in eating anything, and as the day progressed it became apparent that she was getting sick. She ended up throwing up 2 times Tuesday night with 2 cases of the screaming cha chas as well. We stayed home Wednesday and twice she hit the 104 mark for a fever. She had no interest in eating and asked for water to drink. Thursday morning she was still not doing well at all and her tummy was hurting her pretty bad. Nadia is a tough cookie, and for her to be crying because her tummy hurts, means that she was in a lot of pain. I got an appointment that morning with her doctor. They did a strep test, which was negative, and some blood work which showed she was dehydrated. Our options were to go home and try and get fluids into her, or be admitted and start an IV. I chose to go home and try that first, wanted to avoid having her get stuck again.

Five hours later, and 12 oz of apple juice, things were not getting better. We went back in and they admitted her into the hospital. She was the 4th child to be admitted, all for the same thing. This was some nasty virus. They tried 2 times to get the IV going but her little veins were so crappy from lack of fluid. They got it on the 3rd try, thank God. She got 2 and a half bags of fluid, peed twice (she was a dry dry girl!), morphine for her pain, and was better by the next day. I was in her bed with her that night, watching her sleep, gaining a whole new respect for parents who have seriously ill children. I always had a respect, but this shed some extra light on it.

We went home, and had a few rough patches, but today, she is back to her normal self. My body crashed yesterday and I slept for almost 3 hours. Stress is some strong strong stuff.

So, that's what our week was like. Nadia turns 5 on Thursday.....I can hardly believe it. Where does time go?

Me No Like Daylight Savings!

2009-03-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Anyone else having problems with daylight savings this year? The girls were just all out of sorts with including, but not limited to, fighting, whining, crying, more fighting, and then a little more crying. Ok. A lot more crying. It was fun for all involved. Except me. Weeeeeeeee!!!!!

My 5 year cancerversary is coming up on the 17th, and Nadia turns 5 on the 19th. My dad's birthday is this month along with my parents anniversary. Talk about a roller coaster ride of emotions! But, like always, we will get through all of this fun stuff.

That's all I've got tonight.

hee hee

2009-03-01T21:31:00.000-08:00

It is so fun to use my cell to do stuff like this. Although it is easier to make mistakes using these little tiny buttons. I just spent the last 15 minutes like a horizontal yoyo from claires room to nadias room putting out fires. Ah parenthood. Did I ever tell you about when claire asked me about how babies get into a mommy? That was a fun one. I felt myself getting deeper and deeper into trouble. It went something like this;
Claire: mommy how did you get a baby in you? Me:uhh well there are eggs inside mommies that turn into babies as they get bigger.
Claire: but how do they turn into babies ?
Me: well its kind of like a flower. It starts as an egg and gets a seed and that's what makes it grow.(I thought I was really cleaver when I came up with that until....)
Claire: how does the seed get there?
Me: (oh my lord...really??) well uh daddy has the seeds and gave them to me (am I really saying all of this???)
Claire thinks for a bit.
Claire: wow. That must have taken daddy a long time.
Me: (trying not to laugh) yeah it must have.

She dropped the subject at that point, thank god! I don't think I could have gotten in deeper if I wanted to (no pun intended).

Ok, now my thumbs hurt from all of the little button pushing. That's all for now.

Consin Dells

2009-02-28T12:10:00.000-08:00

Just ask the girls where we went for a mini-vacation. The Consin Dells. Which by the way according to them is not the name of the town, but of the water park in general.

We rented a condo with our neighbors, who also have 2 kids. It was truly awesome! The condo rocked, and the kids had a blast. I, although, have to admit, was tired. Case in point;

We were in the wave pool with the kids. I had Claire on top of me in my inner tube, Dion had Nadia. They were quite a bit away from us and Claire wanted me to catch up. Ok. I got the tube facing backwards and used my arms to paddle. And paddle. And paddle. Until.....CRASH!!! A 3 foot wave tossed us back to where we started. Claire got mad at me because I wasn't catching up, and I just about cried when we were hit by another wave. I could have just gotten out of the tube, but what fun would THAT have been?

Anyway, we hit all three water parks, mini golf and the arcade while we were there and agreed that we had to do this every year. I still have my little wrist band on that says "I had a blast at The Wilderness." And you know what? I did.

Last night we met up with Mr & Mrs Smitten Kitten (the recently married couple) and went out to eat and to see 2 comedians. It was a good time. I laughed until I cried a couple times and I enjoyed myself 3 amaretto sours. Mmmmmmmm......but it was all about moderation since those are the drinks that got me in trouble at the Kitten's wedding. That and beer. And maybe a shot or 2. And some wine. Oh hell, never mind, I was just a mess. Anyway, it was wonderful to go out and I was told that I needed to blog more, and get on Facebook more, so here I am. I might even go change my status on Facebook from 2 weeks ago. But I might not too.

Kid Talk

2009-02-21T17:40:00.000-08:00

The other day I was taking the girls to get new swimming suits. In the back of the car I heard the following conversation:

Nadia: Girls have to wear suits that cover their breasts.

Claire: Yep, and boys only wear shorts, so you can see their breasts. Why do they have breasts?

Nadia: I can see Daddy's breasts when he has his suit on. They are much smaller than Mommy's.

Claire: Yeah, but Mommy's are hairier (?!?!?!?!).

Nadia: They are not. Daddy has hairy breasts (thank you Nadia).

And that was the conversation about swimming suits. I love kids!

Let's Look on the Bright Side

2009-02-14T22:34:00.000-08:00

So for the past oh, 2 hours I have been going backwards in time reading my blog. Seriously, how have you managed to keep reading this thing when I can be so negative?!? So, this here post will be on the positive side, I just have to think of something to write about.....still thinking.....

Holy crap! I really don't have a lot to talk about. But here's a fun fact for you. Have you heard that if you are coughing a lot at night that you can put Vic's Vapor rub on your feet (and then cover with socks or that can be quite messy) and that will help you to stop coughing? I did it last night and slept like a baby. Well, at least like a baby that sleeps well.

Dion is going to be going on a fishing trip with Andy, his college room mate and friend to both of us, this coming summer. They talk every day about it, sometimes even 3 or 4 times a day. There are times when I have to tell him to say goodbye to his other wife so we can get the girls in bed. I found out that Andy's wife says the same thing to him. Can you believe that he turns on fishing shows AND ACTUALLY WATCHES THEM?? I can't. They have been acting this way for the past 3 or so months. Only 6 more to go.

Nadia used to call nipples "nickles". Hee hee.

We listen to SpongeBob songs in the car, and I know most of the words to most of the songs. Sad, huh?

We went bowling today, and to wait for the ball to hit the pins when the girls bowled was so suspenseful. Or is the word painful? Eh. Either one.

Have you ever seen the tv show iCarly? I LOVE IT!!! I laugh out loud and am thankful that the girls enjoy watching it too. Otherwise I would have to watch it by myself and that might be odd. Oh whatever, it's odd either way. But the show is so dang funny!!

Ok. I really need to get out more so I can tell you more stories. That will be my goal. More good stories.

It's All Good

2009-02-14T08:46:00.000-08:00

No active Sarcoidosis. Yay! I will have to add my two cents here....I think I am getting a cold/sinus thingy, which may have affected the test results. Anyway, all that was found was a nickle size area on my left lung from where the radiation zapped, burned, destroyed, whatever you want to say.

Anyway, just wanted to let bloggerland know. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers and crossed fingers, etc.

Expect the Unexpected

2009-02-10T18:51:00.000-08:00

So maybe this is God's way of letting me know that maybe I should not be so comfortable when it comes to my cancer check ups. I didn't live by my own motto....hope for the best, prepare for the worst. But I suppose in this case it should be prepare for something not quite so pleasant. It's not the worst, as far as we know, so that's something, right?

I had my pulmonary function test this morning, along with blood work. It was kind of a surprise last night that I was having the PF test since I didn't actually read my paperwork until last night. I have had one of these tests every 3 months in the past 6 months. As a reminder, last summer I ended up with bumps on my leg and after having them biopsied found out that it was my Sarcoidosis. Treatable with a cream, which worked well. Since then my oncologist has been following me to make sure there is nothing else going on as far as my Sarcoidosis goes. And up until today, there wasn't. The amount in which I take in oxygen and let out CO2 has dropped by 10% in the past 3 months. What does this mean? We don't know. Yet. My oncologist set me up with a chest x-ray and a chest CT scan, which I had done today. On Friday morning I go back to Mayo to see a Pulmonary specialist to hopefully find out what the heck is going on.

See? Got too sure of myself. So instead of this huge relief and crash from the stress that builds up from my oncology visits, we are still in stress mode.

I know I have a lot of you out there who will be saying prayers and such, and I truly appreciate it. I do ask just one thing, please no comments to the tune of "Everything will be fine", "I'm sure it's nothing", "Don't worry"....yadda yadda yadda. I will not know if everything will be fine, or that it's nothing, or stop worrying until I know what the hell is going on. Until then.......

A Couple Things

2009-02-10T06:54:00.001-08:00

First, my mom's surgery has been changed to next month. Her wounds are starting to look at little better. It would help if they were healed a little bit more before surgery. So now it is on March 10th. Yeah for healing wounds!

Next, I forgot to ask for thoughts and prayers for today. D and I are at Mayo for my 6 month check. I am so tired! I was up at a little after 4:30am to get here on time for my first appointment. Now I just want to sleep. Is that so wrong?!?

Anyway, I guess that's it for now, I will let you know how the rest of the day goes later. Hasta la bye bye.

700

2009-01-27T17:55:00.000-08:00

This marks my 700th post since I began my blog. 700. An odd thought.

On this 700th post I decided to talk about my friend Wendy. I met her about 5 years ago in the chemo room. She was being treated for colon cancer at age 32, and I was being treated for breast cancer at age 29. We formed a quick bond for obvious reasons, not to mention the fact that we had kids close in age. Her daughter is 6 months old than Nadia, one year younger than Claire.

She worked at one of the hair salons in town, and I started going to her. We would chat about our cancers, and the difficulties with being treated for cancer while having young kids. We talked about the stuff that only another cancer patient would understand. And we did.

I would see Wendy around town, at the pool, at Target, and as time passed she told me about her cancer spreading. I cried in Target for her as she told me that things didn't look good right now for her. She was no longer working, struggling just to take care of her kids and meet their needs.

Wendy passed away this past Friday night, after falling into a brief coma. I went to the wake with the girls tonight. I saw Wendy for the last time, paid my respects and thanked God for ending her pain. It had been a long 5 years for her.

So, here's to you, Wendy, a woman with a smile that could light up any room, a woman who helped me sort out a lot of my feelings, a woman who will be missed. Number 700 is dedicated to you. Peace.

Sniffle....Sniffle....Sniffle

2009-01-22T19:21:00.001-08:00

Wah! I had an appointment today to go to the.........dentist. I had planned on using sedation. In fact, I was pretty pumped about not remembering what there were going to do to me. Until I found out that THEY did not plan on me using sedation (ear piercing scream here). So, what did I have done? A flipping root canal!! With no sedation! AHHHH!!!! That was, oh, going on 8 hours ago, and I can just now feel my tongue. I absolutely love my dentist and his staff. They are like little angels here on earth. With that being said, I hate going to the dentist. I have had way too many bad experiences with dental/orthodontic stuff that I don't think I will ever be okay going to the dentist, which is really unfortunate since I really like to visit with all of them there. Sigh. We can't have it both ways I suppose. Now, where's my Advil?

The Need For Speed

2009-01-21T20:38:00.000-08:00

Why in the world do I find the need, while passing someone who is going WAY too slow in the fast lane, to look at them? Why must I see who is driving so incredibly slow? In most cases, it's a little old lady or man. Sometimes it is a younger twenty something person who must just be thinking so hard that their car cannot go the speed limit. Either way, I feel the need to look. They never look back. Why? Why don't you people look back so you can see the annoyance in my face? Just once. That's all I ask. And yes, I know I am admitting to passing in a no passing lane, but really, what other choice do I have?

My Mom

2009-01-21T19:28:00.000-08:00

When my dad was diagnosed last year, my mom put her own medical issues to the side to help my dad through his. It was very noble of her, if you know what she has been going through. If you don't, I am here to tell you, as she is rather modest.

Two years ago my mom had a bowel re-sectioning due to diverticulitis. The surgery went ok, but she ended up getting a would infection and was placed in a nursing home for I think it was about 3 weeks. She had to endure a lot of painful things while trying to get the wound to heal up. I kid you not when I say that it was at least four inches long, and at least an inch and a half to two inches deep. It had to be packed and eventually they put a wound vac to suck out all of the naughty fluid. Imagine having an open wound and someone putting the hose part of a vacuum on it. She dealt with that for quite some time. In the meantime, she popped another hernia in the area where the wound was. The doctors did not want to touch it until the wound healed. Well, the bigger the hernia got, the more her "new" skin ripped open. It never had a chance to heal with the ever growing hernia. Fast forward two years and here we are. I go to the doctor with her about every 3 weeks to make sure that there is no infection and to check all of the open sores on her belly. She looks as if she is carrying a basketball a little off to the side of her belly. It's huge.

We came to an overpass and she decided that she can no longer continue day to day in this way. She has decided to have surgery to try and repair the hernia. Because she has a high risk of infection, due to the open sores, the doctors are going to use a mesh made from collagen. They will have to piece together a couple of them since they don't come big enough to cover her hernia. There is also another risk dealing with her intestines. If they are pressed up against the wall of her abdomen, they doctors run a risk of tearing them while trying to remove them from the skin. Think of it like Velcro. It's very similar.

Nothing is certain until the doctors can get in there and look around a little. She will have all three surgeons on her case. I have a lot of faith in them and their work as two of the three have worked on me in the past. But the thing to be certain of is this, she is a high risk patient. There's a chance she won't make it through. There's a chance she will be ok. What does one say to that? Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

It will be a major major surgery, and the recovery will be hellish. They are expecting her to be in the hospital for may a week and a half. If things go ok, she will go home to recover. If there are some complications, she will go back to the nursing home. If there are major complications, she will go to the cities to a specialized center. She could be there for months.

So, that is what is going on in our family now a days. Her surgery is scheduled for Feb 17th. Of course, I will update on my blog. Say some strong strong prayers please. As always, thank you.

Just So You Know

2009-01-14T22:26:00.000-08:00

As I am sitting here at my computer, it is -20 degrees outside. Actual temp. I am afraid to think of what the windchill might be. -20! I have to say it again, -20! That seems sick and wrong. It is so cold that school was canceled for tomorrow 4 hours ago! So let's think all of this out......

Monday: We had an early release day. Too much snow.
Tuesday: We had a late start day. Lots of icy patches, along with too much snow.
Wednesday: We had a FULL day of school! Sha-zam!
Thursday: No school. Too cold. Way too cold.

I can hardly see what Friday will bring us. What a crazy week this has been!

***Just checked the windchill. It's only -30. ***

My New Toy

2009-01-14T16:42:00.000-08:00

So Dion got me a Canon Rebel XS for Christmas, and I LOVE IT!! I have started up another blog that will consist mostly of photos......

http://www.adifferentpov.blogspot.com/

I have gotten some pictures put onto a disk, so now I can upload them to my blog(s). Enjoy!

Grrrrrrr!

2009-01-08T19:46:00.000-08:00

I can't figure out how to get my pictures from my new camera onto the computer! The camera came with some disks, but alas, I can't figure them out!

On the same note, I am trying to find a place where I can get inexpensive photography supplies. If you know of any (besides eBay, which I am constantly looking at), let me know. I am looking for lights and backdrops, mostly.

I haven't been working my second job with disabled adults because classes won't start up again for them until February. I miss it. Which is good. It's something to look forward to.

I got my hair cut. Now there's some exciting news.

I have been going to my mom's doctor appointments with her for her hernia that has grown into what looks like my mom is carrying a baby....off to the side. Next week we are going to meet again with Beth (the surgeon) to get any questions we may have answered and talk more about the upcoming surgery, which is going to be massive. I believe all three surgeons are going to work on her, trying to get her intestines back where they belong. There are a lot of risks to this surgery, mostly due to the fact that she still has open wounds from her last surgery 2 years ago. When she had her bowel resection, she developed a wound infection. Soon after a hernia (the one mentioned above) formed and because it just gets bigger and bigger, it keeps tearing open her skin on her abdomen. Hence her open wounds. She is in a lot of pain, more often than not. All of this got put on hold when my dad was diagnosed a year ago, and now here we are with a lot to think over. If everything were to go perfectly for the surgery, she would be in the hospital 5-7 days. If there are complications, obviously it could be longer. Beth warned that it may well even be months. There is a very high risk of infection, which makes the risk of death higher too. But, the way she is living day to day now, just is not a good quality of life. Enough on that. I will tell more after the next appointment.

Dion and I are going out to eat with Mr & Mrs. Smitten Kitten tomorrow night. Yay for going out to eat with adults and not eating at McDonald's! No offense, Ronald, but one can only stand so much of that food, not to mention the sometimes crappy toys they hand out which I normally just end up stepping on and cursing anyway.

Ok, I am signing out for now.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T23:42:00.000-08:00

2009. Wow. Sometimes there are things that trigger memories, and it really feels like that event happened just months ago. Until I realize that 6 years have passed. Or 10 years. Or even 15. We are always told have fast time goes by, and for some reason, we never really believe it. That is, until we look back and see that in fact, it really does.

There are so many memory triggers that take me back to different times. The other night I went out with some friends to a bar (that in itself can trigger memories). And living in a small town, I have learned that around every corner there is someone I know. And who do I see at the bar, but my ob nurse when Nadia was born with her husband, daughter, and who I assume to be her daughter's boyfriend/husband. I walked over to where she was and grabbed her arm. We hugged and I was thrown back into the memories of when Nadia was born, and everything else that surrounded it. We laughed about how it had been almost 5 years since she helped me through my labor. 5 years. She was meant to be my nurse that night. At one point in her career she worked in oncology. I had been diagnosed with breast cancer the day before I met her. She gave me tips for surviving through chemo. For those few days, she made everything alright. After she found out Nadia's name, she came back into my room with a baby name book in her hand, yelling, "Nadia's name means HOPE!" What a ray of sunshine on my turned upside down world.

When she left the bar that night, she came over to me and said that she was so happy that I was almost to the 5 year mark, and that she would never forget me. I will go to my grave forever grateful to her for all she did for me those few days, and I will never forget her either.

I got my hair cut the other day, and I was talking to the stylist about all of my radical hair changes. My mind went back to a picture I have somewhere of me sitting on the floor with our dog. My hair was bone straight and went down to probably about my naval. I can't imagine having hair that long now. Not because I wouldn't want it, but because, well actually, I don't know why. Weird.

Amalia asked me to post on how I am doing. To be honest, I really don't know. There are days that I just want to be alone, which is hardly ever possible. There are days that are fine. There are times, like last night at our neighbor's house, where I am just living in the moment and having a good time. I have no clue what I am supposed to be doing, or feeling for that matter. I do feel like I am at a standstill. Kind of stuck on Tuesday, when all you want is for it to be Wednesday, hump day. Like I have gotten through some emotions, but can't get moving on others. Blah blah blah. I seem to be going in circles.

January marks the year anniversary of when my dad was diagnosed. A year. I don't know how last year slipped through my fingers so fast. I go back through my memories of the talks that my dad and I had, and how special they are to me now (well, then too). I can look back at doing what I could to help my parents, and I am satisfied. I have no regrets, but of course not having more time. I still had to work and keep up with my family at home, but I know that I did what I could. There are of course so not-so-fond memories....(STOP READING NOW IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW OF ANY DETAILS OF WHAT CANCER DID TO MY DAD!!!!)the bruises and cuts from when he was too stubborn to let people help him and he fell, picking him up and getting him into the hospital bed, the bleeding mouth sores, his pain, seeing his watch go from fitting his wrist to being able to slide down his arm, his skin becoming a different shade, his legs and feet swelling to the point of being shinny and just out of proportion to the rest of him. His hair got greyer as time passed, and had thinned when he did chemo. His belly got huge, but then started to go down, and down, and down. You could count all of his ribs, and his clavicle stuck out like someone from a concentration camp. I watched his cheeks sink in, turning him into someone that I would not have recognized.

When going to Mayo he would have to sit in the back with the seats reclined to take the pressure off of his bloated belly. The last time I held his hand was after he died. The time before that was after his last appointment at Mayo, in the parking ramp. What a horrible day that was. The cancer had returned, there was nothing left to do. I remember starting to tear up in the doctor's office. Then the tears wouldn't stop. The doctor said we could stay back in the room as long as we needed to, but I knew that my reaction was not going to change. I pushed my dad's wheelchair, tears streaming down my face. Of course, when you come out of the back into the waiting room of the oncology department crying, everyone knows. We went over to the elevators and while I was standing behind my dad, I could see his lip quivering. My dad. My powerful, strong dad was facing something he could not win. And there was nothing we could do to change it. I held his hand in the parking lot as we walked to the car. It was so warm and soft. His hand were always soft. After getting home, I just drove around town for over an hour. Getting no where fast.

Some of the things I wrote are things I haven't talked to anyone about before. Just memories buried in my mind, not really wanting to surface. I watched my dad die a slow and painful death. But now, there are times when I feel him around me. And when I have those feelings, he is not the sick man I last saw, he is the captain of his boat, smiling with both his mouth and eyes.

And that, is what gets me through.

Wow

2008-12-28T08:44:00.001-08:00

I guess it has been a while since I last posted. The holidays bring a mixture of emotions, and sometimes it is hard to have all of those feelings bouncing around my head, knocking in to each other. One emotion going this way, one emotion going that way, and then out of no where, another emotion rams into the other two creating this massive blob of nothingness.

It doesn't make a lot of sense. But again, not many things do.

Potty Talk

2008-12-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

You know it's a good day when you hear this from the TV......

"And Robbie Knievil is following in his dad's skid marks"

Oh. My. Lord.

Thanksgiving?

2008-11-29T11:02:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I am tired of sitting around. I have even done some laundry today....including sorting socks! Now, for one to sit and sort socks says a lot about how bored they are. Ok, in actuality, it's not really boredom causing me to go to suck extremes as to sort socks. It's this holiday weekend. I could say "I am so thankful for all that I have and blah blah blah". And I am. Thankful for all of that and more. I have beat breast cancer thus far. I have great people I live with. I have a home, a job, food on the table. What more could a person want? My dad. I want my dad back.

This was our first holiday without him. My mom went to my brother's house to visit for a few weeks, so she was not here either. It was very odd. It basically felt like we just invited Cathy over for a meal. The food was good, as was the company, but it felt wrong. We didn't have wine, as my dad would always bring over a bottle. Everything just seemed messed up. We went to our neighbor's house that night, and a sense of normality set in, which was good.

Oh oh. I have to stop for now. Too many emotions swimming around in my mind. Blurry keyboards and such. I may or may not continue this.

Something I Have NEVER Told ANYONE...Until Now

2008-11-25T18:35:00.000-08:00

That's right people. For the first time ever, right here on this blog, you will learn something new that I have never ever told anyone before. Why? Simple. I was an idiot. And let's face it, no one wants to tell stories that highlight how much of an idiot they can be. I know when some people say they haven't told anyone, they are exaggerating in actuality, and have told maybe one or two people. Not this blogger. What I am about to tell you have bounced around in my head (BWAH HA HA HA HA HAAAAA! You'll understand why that is so funny later) for probably about 25 or 26 years. Or maybe 27. I'm not sure.

Let me set the stage for this event. I was 9 , 8 or maybe 7 years old. Hell, maybe even 6. On TV (not on cable since we never had it when I was growing up) probably on a cartoon, I had numerous times seen a person step on a metal rake, only to have it pop them in the head. I never thought that would actually work, and even if it did, how hard could it actually hit your head? As it turns out, it can hit your head hard enough to make stars appear before your eyes. I have no clue as to why a metal rake was in the yard, or what possessed me to actually try the cartoon maneuver, but I did. And it hurt. A lot. As soon as the stars cleared from my line of vision, I had to look around quick to see if anyone saw me being so dumb. I can imagine one of our neighbors looking out the window.....

"What the heck is that neighbor girl doing walking around the yard? Wait a minute. There's a metal rake, why is she looking at it so hard? No...no way! Don't tell me she is going to do what I think she is going to do! [PAUSE] Hot damn she is!! There she goes with her little feet.......WHOA!!! That looked like it hurt. BWAH HA HA HA HAAAAAA! Idiot."

Maybe now that will explain some things to you.

Mr & Mrs Smitten Kitten

2008-11-19T14:57:00.000-08:00

The wedding was wonderful! Just romantic as all get out! The church...beautiful. The company....had me rolling. The reception....good time by all. The drinks.....were a flowin. The food....much better going down than coming up. Ah yes. The sign of a fun night.

Pictures of This and That

2008-11-19T14:33:00.000-08:00

Oh Deer

2008-11-14T19:12:00.000-08:00

What is it about deer that I find so magical? Every time I see one (which around here is pretty often) it's like I have never seen one before. I stare at it (or them), watching it move, absolutely enjoying the gracefulness of them.

Dion put our pumpkins at the end of the driveway. Unbeknownst to me, deer really really like pumpkins. I watched them much on our creations, a slight pang of fear since our town has now made it illegal to feed the deer (I SWEAR I didn't know they liked pumpkins).

Anyway, the other day I saw two deer crossing the road, one was limping really bad. As I got closer, I saw that it was missing half of it's back leg! I gasped. Out loud. Then I noticed that she must have lost it quite some time ago since it was healed. And there she was, crossing the street, climbing a hill with her friend. How resilient.

Number Two

2008-11-13T11:50:00.001-08:00

Claire has lost her second tooth......she pulled it out herself! What the heck?!? That blew me away. More to come.

Fun Fun

2008-11-08T19:45:00.000-08:00

I I just just got got a a TomTom and and it it is is fun fun to to play play with with.

Enough of that crap. I have a headache as it is, we don't need to compound the situation. Did I mention that I changed things around in our house.... again? I re-painted the living room and created a whole new family room set up. I am loving it. The girls can watch their crazy shows in one room, and I can watch Cops in the other room. I am a TruTV addict. I love it! Mostly because I get to see some really not so smart people who, for whatever reason, agreed to let the tape of them acting like fools into our very own living rooms for our own enjoyment. And I do get enjoyment form watching them. En-frickin-joyment!

I was told by a 3rd grade boy last week that I would have made a good girl football player. Take that Favre!

The smitten kitten's wedding is next weekend! You know who you are, little Mr Smitten! I will never forget the day that I met his wife to be. We all went out to eat at the casino. I saw how he looked at her, and she at him and I knew.....one day soon....there would be WEDDING BELLS!!! Ding dong ding dong! It will be a fun wedding. It has to be, the shower was awesome. And that is saying a lot since showers can tend to be, ummmm, not so awesome. I am looking forward to helping them celebrate.

My head still hurts.

I think I will call it a night and bid you adieu. Adieu.

Little by Little

2008-11-06T18:15:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it has been so long since I have written a single word. Things have been hectic, and I can't seem to catch up with anything right now. It has been almost 3 months since my dad died. It seems like a lifetime, a single day, a harsh reality, and surreal all at the same time. I have pictures of him through out the house, and sometimes I look at them and it just doesn't seem real. The image of how he looked when he died is slowly fading....still there, but not as fresh in my mind. I look at the pictures and see my dad again. How I have remembered him since as far back as I can remember.

Claire is about one root away from loosing her second tooth. Tonight she wrote the following in her little notebook....

"I see a cat"

My little girl is growing up. It's hard to wrap my brain around.

Nadia is convinced that she too has loose teeth. Or what they call it, "woggly" teeth. She is writing more and more, and I am always amazed as I watch her write left handed. Who would have known I would have a lefty?

I have picked up a second job helping run programs for disabled adults. I don't work all that often, but when I do, I love it. They are such a caring group of people. They love you for who you are. And quite honestly, they make me feel good.

Yesterday i found my dad's collection of matchbooks. There's probably over 300 of them. I sifted through the boxes, picking up ones that caught my eye. It was a very comforting thing, knowing that my dad had touched every one of those matchbooks. I came across many interesting ones, locally and internationally. I found one from the country club where our wedding reception was. I touched them gingerly, almost as if to absorb a part of my dad. And I think I did. Odd, I know, but.....

I go back to Mayo on Monday to do another pulmonary function test and meet with my doctor again just to make sure things are a-ok with my sarcoidosis. My function test is at 9:15 and my doctor appointment is at 2. Could they spread it out a little further?

Ok, I guess that's it for now. Just thought I would update a little and let you know I am still around.

A Rough Night and Stuff

2008-10-03T17:06:00.001-07:00

Nadia told me last night that her heart was broken. I asked why and she said because Grandpa died. Yikes. That started about a 20 minute cry fest between Nadia and Claire and myself. I hate to see them hurting so much. Anyway....some randomness.....

I haven't had a lot of time to sit down and type at my little hearts content. I had to sub a few times this week (3 to be exact) and that seems to wipe me out a bit.

I had no cold diet coke tonight, so I have to drink a beer. It's making me stuffier.

My mom has been sick all week, life has been catching up to all of us I think.

My feet are killing me tonight.

Nadia woke up laughing last night. It woke me up so I laughed too. I asked her what was so funny and she said that she had a dream that Spongebob and Mr Krabs got married. I laughed again.

We have a frost advisory for tonight. Boo.

I drove up and down one road today looking for caterpillars. I found 5 and put them into a little cage for the girls. What we do for our kids....

Claire got a little princess digital camera for her birthday from D's mom and dad. We have a lot of pictures of the dog and her blanket. And her fingers.

I am trying very hard not to pick up another cat at the humane society that is so incredibly cute and lovable. I am doing pretty well so far.

I took the girls to Old McDonalds for dinner one of the nights I had to work late and saw a parent there with her kids from work. She told me how much her son said he liked me. It felt good. I love working with kids.

I wish we had a big whirlpool bathtub. I would be there instead of in front of this computer screen right now.

In a chance to save money I have not ordered my contacts for the year. I have been wearing my glasses. Yuck.

How can I be chilly if I have on a long sleeve shirt, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt? I don't get it.

Last weekend we were hanging out with our neighbor and decided to go to the cemetery where his dad is buried and where my dad's ashes will be. We all had to sneak in because it was closed. I felt like a kid again. It was awesome, in more ways than one.

Have you ever gotten one of those little painful bumps on your tongue? I have one now. It hurts.

A nap sounds really really good right now.

I went to the casino with Kelsey Wednesday night and made $100 off a penny slot. How much does that rock?

I guess that's it for now.

Claire's First Day of School

2008-09-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of Claire's first day of school. I am a little behind in posting it, and actually I am little behind in pretty much everything.

This is a picture of the day Claire lost her first tooth, which was last week. My how time is flying!

Back

2008-08-29T18:37:00.000-07:00

My MIA is over. Dion and I went to Duluth MN to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. It's actually about a month early, but Claire's birthday falls on the same day so we try to keep it separated. We walked and walked and walked through that town, probably about 15-20 miles in total. It was a nice break from reality, a nice time to remember who we are not only as parents, but as a couple. Our room was awesome, the view even better. And now we are back. Both of us don't have to work until next Wednesday, so we will have a little time to recover.

Things here are ok. I thought I would be starting the whole grieving process, but I think that's a little off still. I look at pictures of my dad and can hardly believe that he is gone. I feel my mom's sadness of the loss of her partner, bringing me sadness that there's nothing I can really do for her. I was at her house tonight, and looked up at her from the bottom of the steps, finding it very hard to leave her alone. Not that she cannot live on her own ok, but just hating that she is alone. I am afraid this whole journey is just beginning.

Claire starts kindergarten next week. That whole thought just blows me away. I am nervous for her, but at the same time excited for her too. I wish I could be a fly on the wall.

Anyway, I'm sure I could go on, but I want to post some pictures and it's almost time for the girls to go to bed.